NBA Player's Minutes "Just Right"; Doesn't Want Any More Or Any Fewer

Detroit, MI (Dec. 29) - In a refreshing change from the whining typically engaged in by NBA players regarding the amount of minutes they play, Detroit Pistons guard Rip Hamilton says his amount of playing time is "just right" and doesn't want to play any less, or any more.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it," Hamilton said after practice yesterday.

Hamilton averages 33:44, which he says couldn't be any better.

"If I play any more than 34 minutes, I get fatigued," the energetic Hamilton said, referring to his frenetic style of running through screens and moving without the ball. "But if I play less than 33 minutes, I don't feel like I'm in rhythm. So everything's just right."

Pistons coach Michael Curry said that when he took the job last July, he was informed of Hamilton's strict regimen and tiny window of optimum minutes.


Hamilton's minutes are right where they should be, and should never change, lest the All-Star guard convulse or collapse


"Oh yes, I was quite aware of it," Curry said after being informed of Hamilton's comments yesterday. "So we hired a special 'minutes coach' who keeps track of Rip's playing time."

The narrow margin of sixty seconds -- to ensure that Hamilton's minutes stay between 33:00 and 34:00 -- is still somewhat of a challenge, though.

Just last week, in a tight game against Oklahoma City, Curry had to pull Hamilton from the game in the middle of a fastbreak. A couple weeks prior to that, Hamilton was inserted into a blowout win over Washington with only 3.3 seconds remaining, to push his minutes played to 33:02.

"It's not always easy," Curry admitted, "but that's what Rip is comfortable at."

The last time the Pistons played Hamilton for longer than 34 minutes, in early December against the Knicks (he played 34:15), Hamilton went into convulsions and had to be removed during the next stoppage of play. In New Jersey earlier this season, Hamilton played just 32:21 and collapsed in the team shower afterward.

Curry says that he plans on playing Hamilton for 33:40 tonight against Orlando, "God willing."

Just in case, team doctors are standing by.

Oklahoma City Wants To Return Thunder To Seattle, But Is Still Looking For Receipt

Oklahoma City, OK. (Dec. 1) - Struck by a nasty case of buyer's remorse, the city of Oklahoma City wants to return the NBA's Thunder back to Seattle, but as of this morning hadn't located the receipt the league says is necessary to complete such a transaction.

"No ticky, no washy. That's pretty much what the league is telling us," said Oklahoma City councilperson Renee Wilgard yesterday. "The season is less than sixty days old, so we're still within the window of returns. But if we don't find the receipt, all [the NBA] will give us is league credit."

The Thunder, formerly the Seattle Supersonics, are 2-16 and only Saturday broke a 14-game losing streak.

"They (the NBA) said we could return the Thunder within 60 days," Wilgard said, "but that we would need the receipt. Well, you can't keep EVERY receipt you get! I hope to talk to the manager."

NBA spokesman Frank Meagher said that the league will "cheerfully refund" Oklahoma City's $45.4 million relocation fee, but that without a receipt, "our hands are tied."

"The city is entitled to league credit for 180 days," Meagher explained. "Meaning that they could spend the money elsewhere within the league. But a cash refund is impossible without that receipt."

Wilgard said she "thinks" fellow councilperson Andrew Schmidt "put the receipt in his glove box", but that hasn't been confirmed.

"Maybe Andy still has it in there. Or possibly (city treasurer) Cindy (Kohn) might have it. She's pretty good about that kind of stuff," Wilgard said.

Meagher said several NBA employees have verified that when the deal was consummated, a hand written receipt was slipped inside a bag of complimentary NBA souvenirs that was given to Schmidt at the time of the transaction. Also, Meagher said, a more "official" receipt -- "printed from a computer and everything," was mailed to city hall the next day.

Wilgard thinks that the league should soften their return policy in this situation.

"We've spent quite a bit of money with them," she said. "And we're honest people. It's not like we just tried the Thunder out to impress people then want to return them."

Meagher says if the league bends its rules here, everyone will want to do it. He added that the NBA is "still going round and round" with the New York Knicks about returning Stephon Marbury.

Wilgard says she might try to say that the Thunder were already broken, to defeat the return policy.

"We could always just say that they were like this when we got them," she said. "But like I say, we're honest people. I wish they would just make this one exception."

NBA Rookie Dreams Of Being Intentionally Fouled Someday

Minneapolis, MN (Nov. 3) - Minnesota Timberwolves rookie power forward Kevin Love has many challenges ahead of him. But first on his list is to, one day, be intentionally fouled.

"I've been a Shaquille O'Neal fan ever since he entered the league," Love said yesterday after practice. "I can't even imagine, sometimes, being like him -- getting fouled on purpose because of piss-poor free throw shooting. To be the center of attention like that...wow!"

Love says he works with T-Wolves coaches frequently, trying to lower his free throw percentage to a point that starts to "make some noise" around the NBA.

"To me, if I'm not going to be sought out on the floor by the other team during crunch time so that my brick free throws are a factor, then I don't want to be in the league," Love added. "It's as simple as that."


Timberwolves rookie Kevin Love, practicing to be a poor free throw shooter in high school

Love says that all the accolades and championships he may garner would be great, but would "pale in comparison" to being a player that other teams constantly send to the free throw line late in games.

"I mean, that's where it's at," Love explained. "Shaq can't play forever."

Love says his research -- and his agent -- tells him that there really is no one anointed as O'Neal's successor when it comes to intentional hacking.

"It's wide open, as far as I'm concerned," Love said. "It's all there for the taking. Whomever is able to bring their free throw percentage at or below fifty percent is going to be that 'don't go-to guy' late in games."

To that end, Love has drastically changed his mechanics at the free throw line, adopting a one-handed, unsteady, "girly" way of shooting.

"Kevin kind of took Shaq's signature, horrible mechanics and added his own twist to it," says T-Wolves assistant coach Dean Cooper. "It's a style that really shouldn't be very successful, at least not with any consistency. Kevin really should be one of the kids we watch as being the next Shaq when it comes to fouling on purpose."

Love says he's eager to finally meet O'Neal in person. What would he say to the future Hall of Famer?

"Thank you," Love said. "I'd thank him for paving the way for the younger big men, like me, who have no intention on ever being a good free throw shooter."

Bad Economy Forces NBA To Charge For Foul Shots

New York, NY (Oct. 28) - Citing itself as another victim of a sluggish economy, the NBA announced yesterday that, effective immediately, it would be eliminating free throws.

Starting with tonight's regular season openers, players whistled for fouls will be charged a "nominal" fee for every foul shot taken as a result of their infractions.

"The NBA hasn't charged for foul shots since the league's inception in 1946," said league spokesman Mark Harrison. "We think that's pretty good. But these trying economic times have begun to effect us as a league, too. That means looking for other revenue streams."

The free throw has been a basketball institution since the sport's beginning. Harrison said he appreciates the shot's history, but "that and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee. Correction: that and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee, nowadays."

Under the plan, hastily arranged amidst the release of the league's third quarter numbers, which showed a severe lack of basketball-generated revenue during games -- that is, revenue not tied to concession or beer sales -- every foul shot awarded before a team is in the penalty situation will come at a cost of $2.00 to the fouling player. After the penalty (fifth team foul in a quarter and beyond), each foul shot will cost the offending player $3.00.

Harrison said this would add anywhere from $50-60 into the NBA coffers per game. Multiplied by the 1,230 games played in a season league-wide, this amounts to anywhere between $61,500 and $73,800 per season.




"That's some change," Harrison said.

When reporters challenged him, wondering how $70,000 could make much of a difference in a league whose players salaries are in the millions, Harrison snapped, "Oh, so I guess you're all economy experts now, huh? Why don't you fix this financial crisis, economy experts?"

Early response to the elimination of free throws has been mixed.

"That's fine, but what about the guys on the bench?," wondered little-used Detroit Pistons guard Arron Afflalo. "We don't have the dough that the big dogs do, and we're the ones who commit the most fouls, per minute played. This sounds like trickle-down economics at its worst."

But Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James had another viewpoint.

"I'm tired of getting hacked all the time, man. Maybe now, those guys will think twice about bothering me as I go in for a layup," he said. James also scoffed at the notion that the fee is too small to make a difference. "NBA players are cheap. Trust me," he said.

The plan will also include cash registers on press row, complete with debit/credit card machines for convenient, on-site payment of fouling fees. To cushion the blow, Harrison said, each player will be allowed to choose which funny cartoon character appears on his Foul Card, ranging from Scooby Doo to Porky Pig. Fees will be collected after every quarter, with ball boys being assigned the additional duty of swiping all players' cards through the machines.

Harrison said that, depending on the success of the new fouling fees program, the league might consider charging TV analyst Bill Walton for every inane, self-contradicting thought that spills out of his mouth. Harrison said that such a move is attractive because of its "unlimited potential as a moneymaker."

LeBron James Threatens To Send Cavs Teammates To Summer League Without Any Dinner

Cleveland, OH. (Jul. 18) - Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James, unhappy with the commitment his teammates showed last season to the game of basketball, along with being "disappointed" in them lately, has told his fellow Cavs that he "won't hesitate" to send them to the Summer League, warning them, "don't think that I won't."

"Now, I've had just about enough of this," James said to a group of Cavaliers players who were laughing and frollicking during a loosely-organized scrimmage yesterday in downtown Cleveland. James informed the group -- which included Daniel Gibson, Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, and some rookie free agents -- that he was "sick and tired" of their carefree attitude, and that if they think he won't make good on his threats to banish them to NBA Summer League, then they "have another think coming."

James became annoyed when Gibson and Szczerbiak abandoned their set offensive play and began simply throwing the basketball at each other in an improvised game of Dodgeball. Then, as James scolded the two players, Wallace crept up behind James and mimicked him, making funny faces and rolling his eyes.

"Maybe y'all need some Summer Leaguing," James said, which temporarily quelled the situation. But minutes later, some rookie free agents began giggling uncontrollably, which got the rest of the team laughing. That's when James announced that the scrimmage was over with and ordered everyone to "put your head down" and observe "quiet time." All seemed fine until an unidentified player farted, which started everyone laughing again.

James then pretended to call the Summer League and make reservations for his teammates, but then added that next time he "wouldn't be fooling around. I have the Summer League on speed dial. I mean it!" James also indicated that any Summer League assignments would be fulfilled without the benefit of dinner.

Hulk Vows He Will Smash If Celtics Don't Win NBA Finals

Los Angeles, CA. (Jun 12) - The Incredible Hulk, flanked by throngs of Boston Celtics fans and supporters decked in green, issued an ominous threat to NBA officials and anyone else who would be unfortunate enough to get in his way if the Celtics didn't emerge as league champions.

"Celtics..must...win..whole thing," Hulk said in his familiar halting, Neanderthal-like tone. "If Celtics no win, it make Hulk want to SMASH," he added, pounding his powerful fist, driven by his 224-inch biceps, onto the top of a nearby UPS truck, collapsing the vehicle instantly.

Longtime Hulk observers said that this is the first time the genetically-modified creature, whose legal name is Bruce Banner, has ever openly thrown his support to any professional sports team.

"Clearly, it's the whole green thing," said Celtics fan Rodney Banner (no relation). "Everyone knows about the Hulk's affinity for green. So it makes sense."


The Incredible Hulk makes his way to the podium prior to his impromptu meeting with reporters yesterday outside the Staples Center


Sources say the Hulk became enthralled with the Celtics after a late-season game against the Philadelphia 76ers in Boston -- a game that was halted for nearly 30 minutes due to a rampage by the Hulk during the third quarter in the arena.

"Banner was at the game, and became enraged at beer prices," confirmed the source. "Before friends could escort him out of the arena and out of harm's way, he transformed," the source said, referring to Banner's unique trait of turning into the 35-foot tall, menacing green monster whenever he becomes very angry. It was during this incident, the source said, that the Hulk noticed all the green being worn in the crowd.

"From then on, he's been behind the Celtics," the source added.

Bruce Banner, aware of the Hulk's like of the Celtics, regularly watches games, in case a well-timed transformation occurs -- hoping that the sight of the Celtics on TV might calm the beast.

In addition to his warning remarks yesterday outside the Staples Center, the Hulk said, "Kevin Garnett...he a brute that cannot...WILL NOT...be stopped. No can stop Garnett...no can stop Paul Pierce...," he said before emitting a spontaneous loud roar. Then he added, "Lakers better not THINK of winning O'Brien Trophy...that make Hulk VERY mad!"

At that point, the Hulk kicked over a small TV production truck and ran away at speeds estimated at being over 100 m.p.h.

WNBA Allowed To Play Another Season As Long As They "Clean Up After Themselves"

New York, NY. (Jun. 2) - The National Basketball Association has apparently allowed the womens version, aka the WNBA, to play its 11th season -- as long as it "cleans up after itself and promises to put everything back the way they found it", according to NBA management.

"Look, it's only fair," said NBA spokesman Larry Lariviere as he announced that the WNBA has, indeed, begun another season. "All that we require is that if the WNBA is going to use NBA arenas, that they pick up after themselves. Is that too much to ask?"

Plastic signs with "Your mother doesn't work here" and "I'm not your maid", with the NBA logo on them, have begun to appear in WNBA locker rooms.

Just Saturday, New York Liberty coach Pat Coyle was scolded for "all this tape!" and "how many times have I told you where the basketballs go?" after a team practice, by NBA Director of Building Operations Charles Pugh.

"He (Pugh) was pretty pissed," Coyle admitted of his dressing down. "I thought the tape had been thrown out, but I think Ashley Battle missed the trash can," Coyle sighed.

The NBA has apparently told the WNBA that, in 2008, it will take a "zero tolerance" approach when it comes to building maintenance.

"If we've told them once, we've told them a thousand times: when you're done with the Gatorade jugs, dump them down the drain in the utility room. I mean, HELLO?," added Lariviere. "And if I hear of one more rolled up program wedged between seats I'm going to scream."

Other edicts include making sure the lights get turned off, no car left in the parking lots overnight, and putting the dry erase markers in their proper places.

"Simple stuff," said Lariviere. "It's nothing more than we'd ask of ourselves."

The WNBA will be re-evaluated in about a month, at which time, Lariviere said, it will be determined if the womens league is "taking all this seriously, like their big brother does."

Until then, the games will continue -- as long as that one storage closet doesn't get left open for the "billionth" time.

Report: Hollywood Celebrities Have Never Watched More Than 5 Minutes Of Any G**damned NBA Game They Get Dragged To

Los Angeles, CA. (May 30) - Nearing the peak of the NBA season, a report has been released which reveals that the Hollywood actors and actresses that are seen at NBA games watch "less than five minutes" and are mainly there to be photographed and seen on TV.

"I can't say that I'm shocked," said NBA public relations spokesperson Mandy Crittendon. "This report, while disappointing, kind of confirms our suspicions."

The report, commissioned by the NBA and done by CelebTrak, a Los Angeles-based research group that specializes in what celebrities do in their free time, says that only actors Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman actually watch the games. The others watch an average of 4 minutes and 44 seconds of actual game action.

"The breakdown of the 48-minute NBA game for these celebrities is this: 4:44 watching the game, 21:07 turning to their left or right and speaking into the ear of the person next to them, :10 spent looking up at the scoreboard to see their image on the screen, and the remaining 21:59 is spent in a limousine commuting to the game or carousing in the parking lot," said CelebTrak chief Gordon Sankauer. "We're sorry to report this, but this is the result of three years of hard work."

Sankauer said that Nicholson and Hoffman, longtime fans of the Los Angeles Lakers and New York Knicks, respectively, spend an average of 44:13 watching the game -- easily by far the most of any celebrity. In fact, Sankauer said, Nicholson even coaches some of the game for the Lakers while Phil Jackson meditates.


Lakers fan and sometimes-coach Jack Nicholson tells Derek Fisher to shoot during Thursday's Game 5 against the Spurs


Nicholson was, as usual, in attendance during Thursday's Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals as the Lakers tussled with the San Antonio Spurs, coaching the last two minutes of the first quarter and about three minutes midway thru the third quarter.

"Jack's a player's coach," said Lakers star Kobe Bryant. "He just lets us do our thing. He says he prefers not to be over-directed as an actor, so why should he over-coach?"

Nicholson did, however, indicate that he wanted a time out last night, which Bryant called -- pretending that it had been asked for by Jackson, in the interest of "not making a big deal out of anything so we don't have to deal with it right now."

Some celebrities, like actress Cameron Diaz -- who was at last night's Lakers game -- confessed to "not even knowing who was playing" and openly wondering "how long do we have to stay?" and "can we pleeeease leave now?"

"KG Got To Win On Road," Garnett Says

Cleveland, OH. (May 16) - Boston Celtics star hulk, Kevin Garnett, is in a life-or-death struggle with winning a playoff game on the road, sources say.

"Got to...win...on...road," Garnett said with a grimace after practice yesterday as he strained to bust out of the chains that team personnel had placed him in, in order to bottle up his energy. "KG got to win on road," he said, a faraway look in his eyes, the pupils of which were dilated.

Garnett was carried by six beefy security guards off the court and placed in his bonds, which included ankle irons and chains connecting his ankles to his wrists. After bucking violently for several minutes, Garnett was then given an injection, which calmed him.

The Celtics are 7-0 at home and 0-5 on the road going into tonight's Game 6 against Cleveland in the Eastern Conference semi-finals.


Garnett, moments before being placed in restraints and under 24/7 guard


Garnett, acquired last summer from Minnesota in order to bring the Celtics back to championship status, teamed with Ray Allen and Paul Pierce to lead Boston to the NBA's best record this season. But the playoffs have been a different story.

So the decision was made after Game 5's Celtics win to keep Garnett in constant restraint until game time in Cleveland. He's watched 24/7, and is fed intravenously.

"Losing on road make KG want to SMASH!," Garnett said during one of his few moments of consciousness.

Celtics coach Doc Rivers would only say, "In the playoffs, everyone's a little more uptight. KG will be fine. I'm confident that he'll emerge from his restraints a much more focused, better player for us on the road."

At press time, Garnett was drifting in and out of consciousness and banging his head against the wooden board that he's been strapped to.

"KG want to HURT LeBron. Win on road must be happen for KG and Celtics," he said over and over.

Larry Brown Already Bored With Bobcats Job

Has inquired into Spurs coaching vacancy, even though there isn't one

Charlotte, NC. (May 7) - Mercurial basketball coach Larry Brown, hired less than two weeks ago by the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats, is already "bored" with the job and has asked about a similar role with the San Antonio Spurs.

"It would be great to get back to San Antonio -- a place where I had some of the best years of my life," Brown said in a prepared statement -- although the words "San Antonio" had been typed in over a whited out space, where "Indiana" and "Detroit" had once been typed and erased. Brown coached the Spurs in the late-1980s, early-1990s.

Brown says the Spurs' 0-2 hole in their playoff series with the New Orleans Hornets gave him pause.


Brown is ready to move on -- again


"It may be time to make a move there," Brown said in the statement. "(Spurs coach) Gregg Popovich is a good friend of mine, but this is a results-oriented business. If they (the Spurs) would like to talk to me, I'm willing to listen," Brown added, saying that he could "be in San Antonio in three hours" if given the job in time for Game 3 of the series.

Brown also addressed his new job with the Bobcats.

"Coming back to North Carolina, where I also had some more of the best years of my life, hasn't been as fulfilling as I would have hoped," the statement said. Brown played at the University of North Carolina. "Maybe it's time for the Bobcats and me to part ways -- to be fair to them as well as to me."

Sources say Brown "simply thinks the team isn't any good", and that the chance to coach a title contender like the Spurs would be "too good to pass up."

When reminded that the Spurs job is not open, one source said, "That's because Larry Brown wasn't a candidate. Let's see what happens now, once the Spurs see Larry's available to them."

Popovich is expected to coach the Spurs in their Game 3 matchup with the Hornets on Thursday, despite Brown's interest in the job.

Donnie Walsh Politely Rejects Isiah Thomas's Request To Act As A Reference

New York, NY. (Apr. 28) - Just days after being asked not to talk to New York Knicks players for fear of having a bad influence on their feelings about the next coach, former coach and current employee Isiah Thomas was dealt another blow over the weekend.

Thomas was denied the use of current boss and front office veteran Donnie Walsh as a reference for any future job searches, sources say.

"I'd really rather you didn't," witnesses say Walsh politely told Thomas when asked if Isiah could use the new Knicks executive as a professional reference. "OK?"

To solidify his position on the matter, Walsh then changed his mobile phone number and didn't give Thomas the new number.

"I still think Isiah can be a productive contributor to the Knicks," Walsh said in a statement to answer the reference rumors. "What that may be, I have no idea at this time. I'm sure there's something around here he can do." Then, addressing the reference issue head on, Walsh's statement said, "Isiah is free to use whomever he wants as a reference, of course. But some references might not be too happy about it. I might be one of them, but I'm not confirming that."

Thomas, who lost his job as team president when the Knicks hired Walsh, then lost his coaching job after the season ended, has been hanging around Madison Square Garden, waiting for Walsh to give him something to do, according to the sources.

"They pass each other in the hall, and it's so uncomfortable," one Knicks employee said. "Isiah kind of nods his head, and Walsh pretends he dropped something and looks toward the floor. The other day they both ended up in the men's room, and Walsh left before washing his hands. At least I hope he usually washes his hands."

Thomas, according to friends, will abide by Walsh's wishes, and will instead use Knicks Chairman James Dolan as a reference. At press time, it was unclear if Dolan has been informed of Thomas's intentions, or if Thomas plans on disclosing the move to Dolan.

The Orlando Magic and Toronto Raptors Apparently Playing Each Other in the Playoffs

Toronto, ON. (Apr. 25) - Rumors continue to persist in this Canadian city that the National Basketball Association entry from Toronto, nicknamed the Raptors, are engaging in some sort of a post-season tournament against their counterpart from the southern Florida city of Orlando -- whose team is nicknamed the Magic.

"That's what I keep hearing," said Toronto resident Mitch Basham, who was among a small gathering of curious people who were congregating outside the Air Canada Centre, as word spread that the Raptors, who play at the Centre, might indeed be participating in the NBA playoffs. "I mean, I was having lunch in the park and I overheard a bunch of people talking about the Raptors and Magic. So naturally I thought there was some kind of cool magic show with reptiles going on," Basham added. "But then I find out it's basketball. Is this true?"

League officials wouldn't confirm nor deny the rumors.

"The Raptors, like every one of our franchises, is a valued member of the NBA," a statement from the NBA read. "Confirmation of the teams participating in this year's playoffs was distributed last week. I urge you to consult that document."

According to sources close to the NBA, the Magic and Raptors had already played two games in Florida before traveling north to continue their alleged series of games in Canada. The sources indicated that the Orlando team won both games in the States, and that the Raptors turned the tables last night in Toronto. Other sources say that the Raptors are NOT, in fact, in the playoffs, and that the rumors to the contrary are "baseless."

Basham said that an "obnoxious, big guy" wearing a Raptors jersey breezed by him outside the Air Canada Centre, yelling, "Raptors Rule!" -- and that the man yelled something indistinguishable when Basham asked him what he meant by that.

"Could that be confirmation of this thing with that Orlando team?," Basham wondered aloud to reporters.

The "deep throats" in the NBA say that a fourth game between the Raptors and the Magic will be held in Toronto "any day now."

Celtics, Pistons To Open Playoffs Against Some Team Or Another

New York, NY. (Apr. 7) - The two best teams in the NBA's weak Eastern Conference, the Boston Celtics and the Detroit Pistons, are each poised to begin the playoffs in twelve days, being matched up against some sort of bottom-feeding, wretched ballclub.

"I really don't care who we play," said Celtics forward Paul Pierce yesterday. "In fact, I don't know if I'll even bother learning their name," he added, saying that all he might look at it is the other team's jerseys, just so he knows who not to pass the ball to.

The Celtics have a league-leading 61 wins with six games remaining; the Pistons have 55. The two lowest seeds, who the Celtics and Pistons will play, are both horrendous teams who ought to kiss the court that they're even in the playoffs.

"They say upsets can happen," said Pistons guard Chauncey Billups before snickering derisively. "I don't know, man....I don't know," he added before breaking into convulsive laughter. Then, after composing himself, Billups said, "This is the best time of the year; when we in the East get to wipe the floor with teams who should be in the lottery."

The potential opponents of the Celtics and Pistons include the Toronto Raptors, the Atlanta Hawks, and the Philadelphia 76ers. But reports indicate that maybe even the New Jersey Nets, the Indiana Pacers, and the Chicago Bulls are still mathematically alive for a playoff berth. Sources say league officials are "crunching the numbers" to see who truly is the least pathetic two teams from among this scum-sucking group. There's even been talk, sources say, of these teams pooling their resources and forming two teams from their rosters who might be able to push the Celtics and Pistons to a fifth game in a best-of-seven series.

Meanwhile, the Celtics tuned up for their first round romp by practicing blindfolded, while the Pistons worked on defensive drills while hogtied.

Rockets' McGrady Goes On Profanity-Laced Rant After Finding Out Team's 22-Game Winning Streak Hasn't Done Much To Improve Its Playoff Positioning

Houston, TX. (Apr. 4) - Prancing around the locker room yesterday, waving his arms and making a range of faces from annoyance to anger to disdain, Houston Rockets star Tracy McGrady ranted about the team's no. 6 playoff seeding, despite a recent 22-game winning streak.

"We won 22 straight! Twenty-two f***ing games in a row! Twenty-f***ing-two!! Think about that for a moment. We won 22 G**damn games in a row! And we STILL don't have a f***ing home court advantage in the first G**damn round? F***!!," McGrady screamed, as stalked the locker room maniacally, going from teammates to reporters, sometimes directly into their faces.

"Holy s**t! This is BULLs**t!," McGrady continued, at one point taking a dry erase marker and writing a big "22 wins in a row" on the white board, then adding the words "home court" in a circle, which he then drew a line through, like one of those international symbols. "Look at this! Does this add up? Does this look right to you? HELL NO!," he added before throwing the marker across the room.

McGrady then started banging his balled up fists against his forehead, chanting, "Makes no F***ING sense! Makes NO f***ing sense!" before pacing back and forth, making a series of guttural, animalistic sounds.

As others in the locker room stood frozen with fear and/or confusion, McGrady held up the sports section, opened it up to where the NBA standings were printed, and said, "Y'all watch what I think of this!" and began wadding the page into a ball. He then shoved it into his mouth, chewing and swallowing it.

"Yehmmf righghm!! Righmm hemrmem!" he shouted as he ingested the standings page, pointing to his mouth as his eyes flashed and his eyebrows moved up and down mischievously.

The Rockets are 49-25 and would have to win their division to secure home court in the first round. They're currently three games behind the front-running New Orleans Hornets.

It's unclear if McGrady's outburst would motivate his teammates, as most of them had slipped on headphones and were listening to their iPods by the time his four-minute display was over with.

Guy Down The Aisle At Clippers Game Just Got Up AGAIN, Others In Aisle Report

Los Angeles, CA (Mar. 14) - Ticketholders in row 24, section 214A at the Staples Center have reported "that guy down the aisle just got up AGAIN," forcing everyone to stand up to let him through.

The complaint comes with 5:22 left in the third quarter of the Los Angeles Clippers' game against the Golden State Warriors.

"That guy...I can't believe he's getting up AGAIN," an exasperated Gary Collins, 34, told friends.

The guy, some overweight, clumsy dude in his 30s, has gotten up "way too many times" to suit the other ticketholders in his aisle.

"I can see a couple times, you know for going to the bathroom or getting something to eat or whatever, but this guy is like, off the charts!" according to Diane Friesen, 41, who's attending the game with her husband and two children.

The ticketholders think the guy might have "some sort of condition or something."


Looking up at the scoreboard, that guy gets up again


"Maybe he can't hold it," said Kyle Overton, sitting three seats to the guy's left. "But at the same time, he only came back with something to drink once. So I don't know."

Witnesses say the guy came back once with popcorn and a soft drink, once with a game program, and several times with nothing at all.

"All I know is, he's so f***ing big that when he comes by, it's not enough to just stand," said Collins. "You have to like, turn your body and squeeze yourself against your seat to let the dude through. And even then, his elbows and gut rub against you.

"He's like the jack-in-the-box from hell," Collins added.

The fans in the guy's row "can't wait" for the game to be over, or for him to "kiel over in the bathroom or something", in order for their game-long nightmare to end.

Kobe Bryant: It's "Cute" That Lakers Still Think He Needs Teammates

Los Angeles, CA (Mar. 3) - Moments after leading his Los Angeles Lakers to a 108-104 overtime victory over the Dallas Mavericks, scoring 52 points, superstar Kobe Bryant said yesterday that it's "cute" how management still thinks he needs talented teammates surrounding him.

"They're so naive. It's actually kind of endearing, and cute," Bryant said of the team's repeated attempts to provide him with top-shelf talent. "But that's OK. Bless their heart, but I'm fine, really. As long as I get the ball all the time and y'all get out of my way, you can have as many great players out there with me as you want. It won't change things."

The Lakers added Pau Gasol from the Memphis Grizzlies in a trade last month, a move Bryant termed as "adorable."

Bryant took 27 shots yesterday to Gasol's 14, and played 51 of 53 minutes against the Mavericks, to Gasol's 44.

"That was nice," Bryant said of the Gasol trade, "but they shouldn't have gone to all that trouble."


Bryant (right) smiles at the cuteness of the ultimately unnecessary efforts of Gasol (left) in a recent game


In yesterday's thriller, Bryant scowled whenever a teammate dared to touch the ball, at one point even taking the ball from Derek Fisher's hands and swatting him on the back of the head in a blatant act of scolding.

Coach Phil Jackson called Bryant's performance, "Selfish, boorish, bullying, and disgusting." But he then quickly added, "Which is exactly what this team needs right now."

Fisher, after the game, dismissed reporters who suggested that Bryant's public head-swatting was inappropriate.

"I lost my mind for a moment, man," Fisher said when describing the incident. "I was nearly 22 feet from the hoop, which I KNOW is Kobe territory. I should have given the ball up. No question. My bad. It'll never happen again."

Bryant added that future attempts by management to add, "quote-unquote 'missing pieces'," in his words, would be met with his derision -- but also empathy.

"I forgive them, for they do not know what they do," Bryant said.

Dwyane Wade Thinks This Entire Season Is A Long Episode Of Punk'd

Miami, FL. (Feb. 24) - Friends of Miami Heat's Dwyane Wade say that the NBA superstar is convinced that this season is simply a drawn-out practical joke for an upcoming "Punk'd" special to air this spring.

"He's just waiting for Ashton Kutcher or one of the members from Outkast to yell out, 'PUNK'D!' as soon as the buzzer goes off at the end of the last game of the season," one friend told reporters. "He keeps saying there's no other explanation for it."

"Punk'd", an MTV show, would place celebrities in practical joke situations, often in full view of the public. The final episode aired in May 2007, but Wade thinks MTV is reviving the show for a special hour-long version to air sometimes after the NBA Finals.

Wade's Miami Heat are 9-44 and have lost 26 out of their last 27 games. Shaquille O'Neal was traded to the Phoenix Suns a couple weeks ago, a move that Wade says is simply part of MTV's storyline.

"Here's the deal: Dwyane thinks the season will end, he'll be Punk'd, then Shaq will return to the Heat next season," another friend disclosed. "He thinks coach Pat Riley, the fans, his teammates, the league, and every athlete in every sport and every recording artist of all genres are in on the prank."

Wade, the friends report, keeps saying things like, "Aww, man -- this is a GOOD one!," whenever the Heat lose another game, despite him pouring in dozens of points every night.

"Last week, after yet another loss, Dwyane kept going up to teammates and saying, 'Y'all got me good.' Of course, they had no idea what he was talking about -- which just fueled his belief that they were just putting on."

When the Shaq trade was announced, Wade told friends that it "was obvious that MTV will stop at nothing" to propagate the prank.

"They traded Shaq? Man, they're SERIOUS at 'Punk'd'. This is dope," Wade was quoted as saying.

Wade is eager to finish the season and hug Kutcher and the other co-conspirators, then take everyone out for "a real expensive dinner", at which Wade is expected to reveal that he became aware of the prank "months ago" -- hoping to get the last laugh.

Nets, Mavericks Try To Hammer Out New Kidd Deal, Then Say "Just Screw It"

East Rutherford, NJ (Feb. 18) - The New Jersey Nets and Dallas Mavericks, after trying for several days to consummate a trade involving Nets point guard Jason Kidd, have scrapped the whole thing.

"Screw it. Just screw it," a visibly agitated Nets GM Rod Thorn said as he rushed to his car yesterday, sighing heavily and rolling his eyes.

The trade for Kidd, originally announced last week, fell through when Devean George, one of the Mavericks players involved, exercised a clause in his contract that voided the deal. Ever since, the two sides have been trying to come up with another exchange.

"You know what? I tried to do the right thing, and ... whatever," Thorn said as he plowed through reporters on his way to his vehicle. "I'm done. If you want Jason Kidd traded, do it your own Goddamn self. Son of a bitch."

Thorn then slammed the car door and sped off.

Mavericks GM Donn Nelson said, "It just wasn't working out. We took George out of the mix, then tried to put in Adrian Dantley, but Adrian's status as being retired for over 10 years nixed that offer. Then the Nets said they'd take Dantley, as long as we took Micheal Ray Richardson, but that didn't seem like much of an improvement, so we said no. Then we offered to not sign Jerry Stackhouse after the Nets bought out his contract in 30 days, but I couldn't actually say that without grinning, which killed that. Then we started to ask ourselves, do we REALLY need Jason Kidd? I mean, is it worth all this hassle?"

Kidd says he still would welcome a trade to the Mavericks.

"DUH," he said after practice. "S**t, I'd welcome a trade to the freaking Washington Generals at this point," Kidd said in reference to the long-time straight men to the Harlem Globetrotters. "That little s**t Devean George. Why, I'd like to ...," Kidd added, balling his right hand into a fist and smacking it into his left palm several times.

Thorn, according to sources, reportedly told Nelson to "bite me" when talks broke down Saturday night, before slamming the phone down.

"They can kiss my New Jersey ass," Thorn said of the Mavs, according to the sources.

Area Man: "These Beer Prices Are Outrageous!"

Seattle, WA. (Jan. 28) - Seattle-area Supersonics fan Dominic Renetta is disgusted with the prices of beer at Key Arena, according to sources close to the 34-year-old design engineer.

"He was in line with me," said friend and fellow fan Andy Maloney yesterday. "And then I heard him kind of go, 'Sheesh', and 'You've gotta be kidding me.' The next thing I know, Dom's not in line anymore."

Maloney said that the two Sonics fans sidled up to a concession stand late in the first quarter of a recent game against the Golden State Warriors, ostensibly to purchase beer.

"I was getting thirsty, so I said to Dom, 'Wanna beer?' He said 'Sure,' and we headed for the stand," Maloney explained to reporters outside his suburban Seattle home.

But the planned malt and hops beverage purchase that Renetta hoped to make with Maloney never happened.

Instead, Maloney said, when he found Renetta back in his seat after Maloney made his purchase of the $6.75, 14-oz. beer, "I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Those prices are outrageous,' and he spent the rest of the quarter, and most of the second, complaining about the concession prices."

Maloney said Renetta's tirade extended beyond just the Key Arena concessions.


Dominic Renetta


"When Dom gets going, he starts including things that we aren't even talking about. Before long, he's bitching about everything from the quality of public restroom toilet paper to having something stuck in his teeth," Maloney said, shaking his head and sighing.

Maloney said he offered to buy Renetta a beer, but he was rebuffed.

"He told me I could keep my money, but he did thank me for the offer."

Refusing to give up on finagling a beer for his friend, Maloney then suggested a 10-oz. cup for $4.50, but that was met with a disgusted wave of Renetta's hand.

"So he settled on a Coke at halftime," Maloney said.

Renetta chafed at paying $3.50 for the 16-oz soft drink, but was calmed when he was told the soda came with a souvenir Sonics cup that he could keep.

"But then, before you know it, he's complaining about why they don't offer souvenir cups with beer," Maloney said. "I'm telling you, he can be f**king annoying."

Other sources close to Renetta say that he's considering writing a letter of complaint to Key Arena concessions manager Dwight Leonard.

"Stay tuned," one of the sources said of Renetta's plans.

Maloney rolled his eyes when told of the planned letter.

"Whatever," he said.

We're Still In NBA, T-Wolves To Announce At Press Conference

Minneapolis, MN (Jan. 16) - The NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves have called a press conference for 3:00 this afternoon, and it's expected that it's to announce that they are still, indeed, in the league.

"Indications are, from good sources, that the Timberwolves plan to announce that they still exist," said NBA observer and analyst Tim Legler this morning.

The Timberwolves are rumored to be 5-32 this season, though their existence has been questioned.

"Has anyone actually SEEN the Timberwolves play this season?" asked TNT analyst Mike Fratello. "I know I haven't, and I don't know anyone who has. Frankly, I'm eager to see the press conference, because I find that 5-32 record to be highly questionable. No team can be that bad in today's watered down NBA.

"If they exist, as they purport, then they have some explaining to do," Fratello added.


The last known Timberwolves logo


The Timberwolves, according to hardcore NBA fans who swear it's true, are supposedly led in scoring by someone named Al Jefferson, who allegedly has a 20.2 PPG average. But again, those who claim to have seen Jefferson perform this season in an NBA game are difficult to track down.

"The last I heard of the T-Wolves was back in spring 2007, just before they traded Kevin Garnett," says an NBA executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "Show me some hard evidence of their having been in the league since then, and I'll look at it. But until then, I simply don't believe it. I'm sorry."

At the press conference, sources say, the alleged team's owners are expected to support their claims by showing game tapes from actual contests played this season. But already the source of those tapes are coming into question.

"I heard that one of the tapes has the players' names blurred out, like in an episode of 'COPS,' and that one of the Lakers players in the footage looks like Elden Campbell," a source said. Campbell played for the Lakers in the late-1990s. "So I have my doubts overt the authenticity of this supposed footage."

A woman who answered the phone yesterday at the last known number for the Timberwolves said everyone had "stepped out for a moment", but that she would take a message. When pressed as to whether the team actually existed, the woman said she didn't speak English, and hung up.