Friday, November 30, 2007

Torre Expresses Interest In Having A-Rod, Posada, Jeter, Clemens, Abreu, Rivera, Matsui, Cano, Pettitte Join Dodgers

Los Angeles, CA (Nov. 30) - New Dodgers manager Joe Torre has told reporters that he would be open to having Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter, Roger Clemens, Bobby Abreu, Mariano Rivera, Hideki Matsui, Robinson Cano, and Andy Pettitte join him in Los Angeles in 2008.

"Just think of it," Torre said yesterday, "it'd be like getting the old gang back together!"

Torre, who became Dodgers manager after 12 seasons in New York with the Yankees, sat in his new office with his feet up, nursing a Scotch-and-water as he waxed nostalgic about his time in the Bronx.

"Yeah, it was good times," Torre said, swirling the ice cubes in his drink. "We did some good things there." Then he looked out the window, returned to his drink, and added, "I'm gonna miss those guys."

When asked if his feelings were because of the tight bond he formed with his players on a personal level, Torre shook his head.

"No, because they're pretty f***ing good players!" Torre said as he poured more Scotch into his glass, eschewing water this time.

"Damn! Why can't we get those guys? We'd be soo much better," Torre added, his voice becoming increasingly more whiny the more he spoke.

Dodgers manager Ned Colletti, when told of Torre's comments, took them in stride.

"Joe's having buyer's remorse perhaps," Colletti said with a shrug. "I'll talk to him, after he sobers up a bit."

Torre insisted the addition of Rodriguez, Posada, Jeter, Clemens, Abreu, Rivera, Matsui, Cano, and Pettitte would "make my job ten f**ing times easier," and that the Dodgers should "put their money where their mouth is" and do "whatever it takes" to secure those players for him.

"I didn't come here to lose," Torre said, his eyes getting glassy. "I know those players. I know what they're capable of. Get them and I promise you we're a playoff team."

When told that the Dodgers' budget almost certainly couldn't sustain such a talented group all at once, Torre scowled and went "Psssshhhh," waving his hand dismissively.

"Oh, I can't afford it!," Torre said in a mocking voice, as if speaking from the team's perspective. "Well, boo-f***ing-hoo!"

Torre ended the impromptu press gathering by finishing his bottle of Scotch and slumping, the thud of his head hitting the desk signaling the end of the discussion.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Bulls Stunned To Learn That Regular Season Started Three Weeks Ago

Chicago, IL (Nov. 28) - Sheepish and contrite, Chicago Bulls coach Scott Skiles and his players expressed genuine surprise today that the NBA regular season actually began several weeks ago.

"You have GOT to be kidding me," Skiles said after his 3-10 team's practice. "Well, color me red-faced. This is terribly embarrassing ... please excuse me," Skiles added before quickly gathering his players at center court to tell them of their misunderstanding of the schedule.

Skiles admitted that he was "a little surprised" that the pre-season, which actually ended in late October, was still going on. Turns out he was terribly misinformed.

"Our info had the regular season starting in early December," Skiles said after breaking the news to his stunned players. "I simply don't know what to say. Our bad."

The Bulls, who won on Tuesday in what they believed to be the exhibition season finale, lost 10 of their first 13 games by playing uninspired, careless basketball -- both hallmarks of pre-season play.

"I swear to you on a stack of bibles that I thought the regular season started next week," guard Kirk Hinrich said after Skiles dropped the bombshell. "Sh*t, if I had known that, I would have gotten my jump shot around a long time ago!"

Kirk Hinrich drives against the Pistons earlier this month in what he believed to be a meaningless exhibition game

Bulls GM John Paxson took complete responsibility for the gaffe, calling it a "stain" on the Bulls franchise.

"The buck stops with me," Paxson said. "I must have grabbed November with October when I flipped my calendar," he added, trying to explain away the mixup. Paxson said that, from now on, he would use one of those big desktop calendars where you have to rip the month off, saying it would be less likely for him to skip a month with such a calendar.

The Bulls have been booed at home by their fans this season, all of whom assumed their basketball team knew the regular season was well underway.

"They were dull, listless, and pretty much pathetic," said fan Darrell Pittman of Elgin, Illinois. "But they've been like that a lot in seasons past. I guess I just took it for granted that they knew the season started.

"Geez, that's pretty f***ing stupid, don't you think?"

Skiles, after learning of his team's tardiness in beginning regular season play, tried to make up for lost time by asking Ben Wallace twice to leave practice if he didn't want to be there, suspending Ben Gordon for a game two weeks ago, and jousting with a Chicago reporter about a loss on November 12.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Dolphins Demand Recount After Monday Night's Close Loss

Miami, FL (Nov. 27) - The winless Miami Dolphins, encouraged by their close match with the powerful Pittsburgh Steelers last night on "Monday Night Football," have called for the NFL to do a recount of the 3-0 final score.

"It just seems too close to call," a weary and damp Miami coach Cam Cameron said after the game, which was played in horrendous weather conditions. "It was raining so hard and the field was in such bad shape, how can the officials be that confident that they got the final score right?"

The Steelers, according to the official result, won on a 24-yard field goal with seventeen seconds remaining. But Cameron wasn't buying it.

"I could barely see the ball," Cameron said of the apparent game-winning kick. "Besides, even if it WAS good, who's to say that we didn't pick up a few points along the way? In fact, my assistants upstairs swore that we scored a touchdown late in the third quarter.

"I still think there are some more points out there for us, if the officials would just count them again."

The Dolphins, 0-11, are trying to avoid being the league's first winless team since the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

"I can't believe they're just going to let the Steelers walk away with that razor-thin win," complained Miami-area sportswriter Dan LeBatard. "Neither team could get much going, thanks to the field conditions. You mean to tell me that the officials are 100% certain that the Dolphins didn't score at least three points themselves?"

NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said that recounts are against league policy.

"Never happened, and not gonna happen," Aiello said.

Sports psychologist Dr. Frederick Warren said that the Dolphins' pleas for a recount are a normal reaction to such a result.

"It's completely in line for them to feel that way," Dr. Warren said. He added that he watched the game and has some empathy for the Dolphins.

"I must admit, I thought I saw the Dolphins tackle Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for a safety just before halftime," Dr. Warren said. "So that would make the score even closer, 3-2. I think a recount would be appropriate under those circumstances."

Cameron said that if the NFL refuses his request, he would have no other choice than to protest by "setting myself down on the floor and holding my breath while kicking and balling my fists."

When told of Cameron's threat, Aiello said, "Fine. Still no recount."

Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin said, diplomatically, "Let's just say that I have complete confidence in the scoring process that this league was founded upon."

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Favre To Seriously Consider Retirement Every Week During Packers' Playoff Push

Green Bay, WI (Nov. 25) - Buoyed by his success, and that of his team's, which is following yet another offseason of retirement questions, Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre announced yesterday that he will seriously consider hanging up his spikes every week thru the rest of the season and into the playoffs.

"It's clear that this keeping everyone on the edge of their seat every year is paying dividends," Favre said, two days after another brilliant performance on Thanksgiving Day. "So I'm going to build it into my weekly routine."

Favre said that every Monday, he'll speak pessimistically about coming back for the Packers' next game, citing his age (he's 38) and family concerns. Tuesday is the players' day off. On Wednesdays, according to the plan, coach Mike McCarthy will tell the media that he REALLY hopes Favre suits up for "one more week." On Thursdays, Favre will hear pleas from upper management and his teammates not to retire. On Fridays, fans will be encouraged to e-mail the team and call sports talk radio, talking in almost suicidal tones about what life without Favre would be like. Finally, every Saturday, Favre says he'll announce that he's coming back for "another shot at a championship."

"Why fix what's not broken?" McCarthy said of Favre's plan. "The uncertainty over Brett's return has worked wonders for us in 2007," McCarthy said, referring to his team's unlikely 10-1 start. "So I can't wait to have that tension in the air every week, from now until, hopefully, Super Bowl XLII."

Favre's teammates were wide open to the new plan.

"I think it's great," said receiver Greg Jennings. "I can't wait for that pall to be cast over the team Monday morning, when Brett starts talking retirement. I miss that feeling."

"I know he's a big family man," said receiver Donald Driver, warming up for the weekly casting of doubts. "So I know that will play a big part as to whether he plays against the Cowboys," Driver added about the Packers' next game. "We need him, big time. But he needs to do what's right for Brett Favre."

Favre will continue to use the threat of retirement thru the remainder of the season and into the playoffs, to keep his team sharp

Favre kicked his new plan off by hinting to reporters as soon as the team plane landed from Detroit that he's played his last NFL game.

"That was the way I'd like to go out," he said of his four-TD pass performance on Thanksgiving, which included 20 straight completions at one point. "I mean, if I WERE going out, which, to be honest, I haven't decided yet."

When pressed, Favre added, "I'll let y'all know Monday. I'll have more to say then. Right now I just want to spend the rest of the weekend with my family, who I love, and who I'd love to spend more time with -- including on fall Sundays. But we'll see."

NFL analyst John Clayton of ESPN praised Favre for his comments.

"Perfectly executed," Clayton said of Favre's cryptic words. "It's classic Brett Favre. He displays his love for the game, but also tells us how much his family means to him. He really nailed it again -- as always."

When asked what he thought Favre's words meant, Clayton said, "I have to think that Brett may have played his last game. But then again, I'm not sure. Hard to tell. I guess we'll find out soon enough. That's what's so great about Brett Favre -- you never know if he's going to retire or not. Brilliant."

McCarthy says he will plan for the Cowboys as if Favre will stay unretired.

"There's really no other way to do it," the coach said. "Until Brett tells me, for sure, that that's it, then he's my quarterback."

Cowboys coach Wade Phillips said, "If Brett Favre lines up behind center against us, then football fans the world over will not have seen the last of an icon. But is he's not there, then he's had a Hall of Fame career. I can say with all sincerity that it's been a joy to compete against him -- not to use the past tense. Damn! Why doesn't he just make up his dad-gummed mind?"

Friday, November 23, 2007

MLB Launches Recruitment Campaign To Replenish "Dangerously Low" Supply Of Hard-Nosed, Backup Catchers

New York, NY (Nov. 22) - Citing its supply of hard-nosed, backup catchers as being "dangerously low," Major League Baseball unveiled a new recruitment campaign designed to replenish the dwindling number of second-string backstops.

"If you're a catcher low on actual baseball talent but with a never-say-die attitude, we want to take a look at you," Commissioner Bud Selig said in announcing the aggressive new campaign.

MLB screened for reporters a new 30-second commercial that it hopes will lure catchers who have no chance of ever being a consistent starter into the life of a hard-nosed backup. Entitled "Every Team Needs A Second Catcher," the campaign's TV spot features today's current crop of hard-nosed backups waxing eloquent about the joys of their job.

"I thought my career was over when I realized I couldn't hit better than .220," says Todd Pratt, a career backup. "But then I decided my lack of baseball skills wouldn't stop me from realizing my dream," Pratt continues in the spot, which includes fellow backups talking about the benefits of their lot in life.

Some of the things cited in the campaign that MLB hopes will successfully solicit new members to the hard-nosed backup catcher brotherhood are: playing only once every nine days (keeps body fresher longer); anything you contribute offensively is a bonus; fans appreciate the way you hung in there gamely in that last collision at the plate; and hot chicks will still find you attractive, because they can be duped into thinking that you're the starter and an All-Star-caliber player.

"We know this country is positively crawling with marginally-talented, hard-nosed catchers who hit for sh*t but aren't afraid to get their uniforms dirty," Selig said. "And now we make this public plea: we need you in Major League Baseball, and soon."

The ranks of hard-nosed backup catchers began declining in the late-1990s, according to a report released by Selig.

"Unfortunately, gone seem to be the days of the likes of Bill Plummer, Duffy Dyer, and Marc Hill," catching analyst Mitch Hunter said in the wake of Selig's announced recruitment campaign. "The 1970s were the 'Golden Era' for hard-nosed backups. For some reason, MLB has been unable to keep this awful yet necessary category of player adequately stocked. This campaign may seem desperate, but it is what it is."

Baseball, according to its latest research, is running dangerously low on mostly untalented, yet hard-nosed backup catchers like the Tigers' Vance Wilson, shown tagging out someone who's a far better player than he is

Hunter pointed to Detroit Tiger Vance Wilson's season-long elbow injury in 2007 as a huge blow to the hard-nosed backups' relevance to baseball. "Wilson is a throwback," Hunter said of the Tigers backstop, who Hunter praised for his "questionable hitting talent but seemingly excellent defensive skills and his ability to give the impression that he works well with pitchers." Hunter said that baseball can "ill afford" to lose someone of Wilson's mediocre stature next season.

The campaign will focus itself on the low minor leagues and junior colleges, and might even expand to the high school level, depending upon how serious the dearth of hard-nosed backup catchers is deemed.

Also named as "concerns" but not urgent -- at this time -- are MLB's supply of scrappy, good field/no hit middle infielders, spot pitching starters, and thinking man's players. Also being monitored are players' managers and "guys who just want to win."

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Area Music Fan Totally Confused, Disillusioned By Utah Jazz Name, Logo

Salt Lake City, UT (Nov. 21) - Local music fan Stuart Ferency is reportedly "confused and disillusioned" about the use of the word "jazz" in the name and logo of his city's National Basketball Association franchise.

"I don't know what to make of it," Ferency said as he left his neighborhood Media Play, having just bought some John Coltrane and Count Basie CDs. "A friend asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to go see the Utah Jazz play, and I was intrigued," Ferency, a self-described non-sports fan, said. "So we go the the concert -- or what I thought was a concert -- and there's all this basketball going on."

Ferency said after nearly an hour of the offending sport, he asked his friend "when the music is going to start."

Stuart Ferency returns home after a perplexing hour of watching the Utah Jazz play basketball; he had thought he was attending a concert

After some initial laughter from the friend that turned into an uncomfortable, nervous chuckle once he realized Ferency was serious, Ferency shook his head and left the arena.

"I'm thinking of suing for false advertising," he said as he skidaddled to his Ford Focus.

Ferency's friend and basketball game accomplice, Sean Gilbert, said he tried to explain to Ferency the Jazz's history.

"I was like, 'Dude, this is our BASKETBALL team'," Gilbert said when reached by phone yesterday evening. "I could tell he was confused. So I told him of how the Jazz came to Utah."

But after only 30 seconds of his explanation, Gilbert stopped.

The Utah Jazz logo, which has confounded many

"Even I couldn't believe it, to be honest with you," he said.

The Jazz were known, more appropriately, as the New Orleans Jazz from 1974-1979, before the franchise moved to Salt Lake City. Yet the team kept the name Jazz, even though Salt Lake City isn't known for music at all, let alone jazz.

Then there was the matter of the logo, according to Gilbert.

"I tried like five times to start a sentence describing the logo," Gilbert said, "but it was pretty much useless trying to validate that sorry ass piece of sh*t design," he added of the logo, which splays the word "jazz" across snow-covered mountains.

"When was the last time you made a connection between jazz and freaking mountains?," Gilbert said. "No wonder the dude was trippin'," he said, referring to Ferency.

Gilbert's troubles don't end with Ferency.

"I have a little cousin who lives in Minnesota," Gilbert said. "And he's been asking me why they call the hockey team 'the Wild.'


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Doctors Have No Idea What Tommy John Surgery Was Called Before Tommy John

Press Conference in chaos; reporter killed

Atlanta, GA (Nov. 20) - A press conference discussing the latest MLB pitcher to have Tommy John surgery was stopped in its tracks when the question arose as to what the surgery was called before Tommy John came along.

"Gosh, you know what? I don't know!," noted arm surgeon Dr. James Andrews said, rubbing his chin. "Huh!"

"Wow," added Dr. William Henderson, who shared the podium with Dr. Andrews. "That's an EXCELLENT question.

"I'll...I me get back to you on that," Dr. Henderson said.

The doctors were discussing surgery on the Cardinals' Cris Carpenter, which involves taking a ligament from one's leg and attaching it to the arm. It's been known as Tommy John surgery ever since John had it in 1974.

But when a reporter asked, innocently, "What did they call the surgery BEFORE it was done on Tommy John?," the press conference careened out of control.

Loud murmurs were heard as Drs. Andrews and Henderson fumbled their way thru clearly made up answers that they didn't even bother to complete.

"I think we just saw medical science set back about 33 years," said journalist Phil Morris, who was covering the press conference for the New England Patriots Journal of Medicine.

"What a turn of events!," said reporter Sylvia Hertel of the Baseball Science Digest. "The doctors were completely bamboozled. This is just a mind-boggling development in the area of arm surgery."

The reporter who asked the question, tentatively identified as Stephen Boullabaise of Surgery Today Magazine, was wrestled to the ground by security before being tasered, pepper sprayed, choked, cuffed with plastic ties, and garrotted. He was later tortured and killed, which saddened the man for whom the surgery was named.

"A shame," Tommy John said of Boullabaise's death. "From now on, I guess reporters who are killed will be known as having Stephen Boullabaise discipline."

Monday, November 19, 2007

Bored Patriots To Take Rest Of Schedule "Two Games at a Time"

Foxboro, MA (Nov. 19) - Eschewing the time-honored tradition of playing games one at a time, the unbeaten, powerful New England Patriots announced after yesterday's 56-10 trouncing of the Buffalo Bills that they will play their remaining six games two at a time.

"We just want to get this 16-0 season over with," quarterback Tom Brady said moments after throwing five TD passes against the Bills. Brady spoke as he changed from his football uniform directly into his street clothes, telling reporters that "I showered before the game, so I'm cool."

The Patriots are 10-0, are averaging 41.1 points per game, and consistently beat the crap out of every team they play. The only exception was their much-ballyhooed game against the Indianapolis Colts -- when the Pats had to appear interested in the fourth quarter for the first time all season.

Citing the Colts game as a "wake up call", Patriots coach Bill Belichick implored his team to have no mercy on the Bills, opening up a 42-7 lead before the National Anthem.

"That was key," wide receiver Randy Moss said of the pre-game offensive explosion. "That enabled us to get caught up on some personal matters during the game. You know, the typical stuff you have to deal with during the week of Thanksgiving."

Brady threw three of his TD passes while text messaging his family members about last-minute holiday grocery shopping and answering e-mails from his blog. Moss, who smartly used the time between plays to choose a stuffing recipe, also multi-tasked when he scored his four touchdowns -- telling his mother that the number of TDs he scores would equal the amount of pies she should make.

But the Patriots were restless after the game, leading to Belichick's declaration that the remaining six games on his team's schedule would be completed in three weeks, instead of the customary six.

"All this anticipation, I'm sick of it," the coach said, in reference to matching the 1972 Dolphins as the NFL's other unbeaten, untied team in the modern era. "Let's just do it, already. Cripe!"

"It'll be nice to have most of December off," added Brady. The Patriots will complete their perfect season with a doubleheader sweep over Miami and the New York Giants on Dec. 9. "It'll provide more time for shopping and putting up decorations."

Bills coach Dick Jauron, who was admitted to a local psychiatric ward for trauma after the game, said thru a spokesman that "all those who chose to oppose the shield must yield," referring to Brady, who Jauron likened to Captain America.

The Patriots, under their new paradigm, will defeat both the Philadelphia Eagles and Baltimore Ravens next Sunday.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Bonds Boasts To Friends That He'll Get Into Federal Prison On The First Ballot

San Francisco, CA (Nov. 17) - Slugger Barry Bonds has told friends that he fully expects to be inducted into federal prison on the first ballot.

"He is confident that he's a first-ballot prisoner," a source close to Bonds told a California radio station. "Barry doesn't think his indictment should have an asterisk next to it."

Bonds was indicted Thursday on multiple counts of perjury and other charges too creepy to think about, relating to his taking performance-enhancing drugs. He could face up to 30 years in prison if convicted.

"He (Bonds) thinks the charges, and the grand jury's opinion of them, speak for themselves," said Bonds' childhood friend Max Platkin. "At this point, he'd be very disappointed if he was forced to wait for a second ballot before his prison induction."

Bonds has wondered privately about his prison acceptance speech, and what he'll say, friends report.

"Obviously, he'll make some bullsh*t reference to Willie Mays," says one friend, referring to Bonds's Godfather. "Then I suppose he'll thank the fans of San Francisco, and then of course, he'll trash the media."

Bonds has already said that he'll go into prison as a Giant. He played his first seven seasons in Pittsburgh, but has spent the last 15 in San Francisco.

According to friends, Bonds wants to be inducted into prison as a steroid-filled hulk (as a Giant) rather than a drug-free beanpole (as a Pirate)

"He can't wait to see that plaque hanging in the cell block," another friend said. "And it will depict him in a Giants cap, no question."

Bonds, sources say, bristled at suggestions that his indictment is tainted in some way by the fact that he's an African-American.

"His exact words were, 'This indictment is NOT tainted. Not at all. Period', " the source said.

Bonds, a free agent, intends to play baseball in 2008, despite his imminent prison induction.

"The Bay Area would be great, meaning Oakland," Platkin said. "That would be conveniently located to Alcatraz, which would be terrific for Barry and his family."

Platkin added that Bonds "would only be vindicated" if he's not elected into prison on the first ballot.

"That would just make his point -- that the media and writers have persecuted him. To go into the federal penitentiary on the first ballot would be Barry's way of saying, 'Gotcha' ," Platkin said.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Golf Scientists Discover 19th Hole

Greens fees, total pars likely to increase

Geneva, Switzerland (Nov. 15) - Calling it the most significant news in the history of golf since the invention of the ball washer, scientists who specialize in the sport have discovered a 19th hole, a development which is sure to change the sport's landscape forever.

"November 14, 2007 will be known as the date that ushered in a new era of golf," an elated Dr. Manheim Steemrohler said at a press conference in front of the Golf Institute for Technology (GIT).

Dr. Steemrohler said that the discovery occurred by accident.

"We were working on a study as to whether golf balls hit out of the sand experience significant blunt-force, aerodynamic trauma, when Dr. (Heinrich) Bubler made the discovery, thanks to a high-powered telescope and extremely sensitive, time-stop photography," Dr. Steemrohler said, speaking for a team of 11 golf scientists.

The 19th hole, the doctor said, exists in a "parallel area between time and space," and every golf course in the world has one.

When pressed for explanation in layperson's terms, Dr. Steemrohler said, "You wouldn't understand."

Dr. Manheim Steemrohler demonstrates some of the equipment used to find golf's new 19th hole

Later, Dr. Bubler spoke to reporters gathered in front of the doctor's country club as he headed out to play a "quick 19", in his words.

"Basically, this new discovery means a few things. Number one, par for most courses will now be 75 or 76. Second, it will take approximately nine minutes longer to play a full round of golf. And last, but not least, I'll make lots of money."

Noting that there's still considerable confusion over the exact location of golf's new hole, Dr. Steemrohler assured reporters that information about that part of the discovery will be released within the next several days. But a source close to the golf scientists said the 19th hole would be typically found "within 55 yards of the 18th green, off to the right," and will only be able to be detected with special, very expensive, fancy-shmancy scientific equipment for "at least five years."

The hope is, within the industry, that when the 19th hole becomes more accessible to public courses and "real people", greens fees and cart fees can be increased.

"Typical," said golfer Dwayne Benson of the industry's goal as he finished the soon-to-be-atypical 18 holes at a Harrisburg, Pa. public course yesterday on a balmy fall day. "This news is less than 24 hours old and already the greed and money-grubbing has begun."

A spokesman for golf's Lord, Tiger Woods, said, "Lord Woods is encouraged about anything that's for the good of the sport that he owns and operates. He's confident that this 19th hole will mean that he can win tournaments by even wider margins than he is currently."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Cubs Announce Date Of Next Year's Playoff Elimination In Fan-Friendly Move

Chicago, IL (Nov. 14) - The Chicago Cubs, acknowledging that today's baseball fan is "busier than ever," announced yesterday that the team will be eliminated from playoff contention next September 4th.

"We feel we owe it to our fans so they can get on with their lives," team spokesman Larry Charlie said at a press conference. "It's part of our 'fans first' philosophy. Now they know that they're free to look elsewhere for fun after September 4th, 2008."

Charlie said the Cubs will be mathematically eliminated with a walk-off home run in Pittsburgh.

"With 'fans first', we feel it's not only good enough to announce the date of elimination, but the manner in which it will happen. So now everyone is prepared."

The Cubs made the playoffs in 2007, but were swept in the NLDS by Arizona.

"We regret what happened in '07," Charlie said. "We realize making the playoffs was a major inconvenience to our fans, who are used to having Octobers free. Being swept just prolonged the inevitable. We've learned from our mistake."

Charlie said the fan-friendliness wouldn't end with the playoff elimination date.

"We will be sending our season ticket holders the dates of our most gut-wrenching losses in '08," he said. "On of the highlights will be a blown eight-run lead in the ninth when the Padres visit Wrigley Field May 22nd."

Other special dates, Charlie said, include an error-filled loss to Philadelphia on April 24th, a rain-shortened loss to Los Angeles on June 4th, and a come-from-behind win over Arizona in late August that will give fans false hope.

"We hope this makes up for the debacle last season," Charlie said.

Charlie added that the 2009 team will be awash with painful rebuilding.

"Anything for our fans' convenience."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Police End Tense Standoff Between Kobe Bryant And Phil Jackson's Ego

Los Angeles, CA (Nov. 12) - Police rushed to the Los Angeles Lakers' practice at the Staples Center this morning after frantic 911 calls indicated a tense standoff was developing between star player Kobe Bryant and coach Phil Jackson's ego.

"I'm pleased to report that the situation is now under control," deputy police chief Andrew Horton said in front of the arena's main entrance, which just minutes before was stormed by dozens of police officers and SWAT personnel.

Bryant (top) and Jackson's ego (above) clashed at Lakers practice today

Trouble arose, Horton said, when Bryant -- the mercurial star who has requested a trade, or maybe not -- challenged Jackson's ego after Bryant was ordered to "do a few laps" following lackadaisical play in practice.

Bryant, according to witnesses, flew into a rage and asked Jackson's ego to "take it outside," accusing the coach's psyche that serves as the organized conscious mediator between Jackson and reality of "dissing" Bryant.

"Jackson's ego, which is as large as the day is long, took exception," a Lakers beat reporter said. "I thought Kobe and Jackson's metaphysical and psychological inner soul were going to come to blows. It was nasty."

Bryant and Jackson's ego quickly barricaded themselves behind opposite ends of the bleachers surrounding the court.

"We tried to get them together, but both sides were dug in," Lakers spokesman John Black said.

Horton said police responded when team psychiatrists, always on duty during practice and games, failed to bridge the gap, despite several attempts and emergency therapy sessions with both parties.

That's when Dr. Thomas Frye, longtime Lakers "shrink", called out, "Call 911! Call 911!"

"Upon arrival, we found Mr. Bryant pacing nervously behind a basketball rack," Horton said. "Coach Jackson's ego was, at that time, not more than ten feet away."

Horton called the situation "very tense."

The scene was defused when Horton's men did two things: calmed Jackson's ego by promising that everyone still thinks he's a great coach, no matter what; and by gently rocking Bryant until the tired star fell into a peaceful slumber.

Still, team officials plan on keeping a close eye on this situation.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Washington Generals Player Calls For Investigation Into Globetrotter Games

Washington, D.C. (Nov. 11) - A member of the Washington Generals basketball team, calling his team's 565-game losing streak to the Harlem Globetrotters "suspicious", has called for an independent investigation into the matter.

"It just doesn't seem possible," forward Jerry Phelps said from his Georgetown home, "that one team could lose that many in a row to the same team."

Phelps cited certain concerns such as the Globetrotters' ball control "antics", intimidation of referees, and distractions like "fake buckets of water and such" that the team uses with crowd members.

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but they seem to not play all that fair," Phelps said as he popped in a videocassette for his visitor. On it was a clip of the Generals' latest loss to the Trotters, a 102-88 beating last week.

"See? That's what I'm talking about," Phelps said as he pointed to Trotters guard Slapsy Davis dribbling between Phelps's legs and then returning to bounce the ball off Phelps's head, deflecting it to Trotters teammate Rooster Pickens for an easy layup.

Phelps then zoomed thru the tape, stopping to show other examples of his concern, such as Davis's half court hook shots and a 45-second game of keepaway, in which no Generals player came close to even tipping the ball while the Trotter players yelled, chanted, and whooped as they gaily threw the ball amongst themselves while the song "Sweet Georgia Brown" played over the PA system.

"And what's with that song?," Phelps wondered aloud. "Every time they play that damn thing, I cringe."

Jerry Phelps, as a Westminster Warrior in 1999

Phelps was particularly shaken as the tape showed a play where Davis pulled Phelps's shorts down while a Trotter teammate stole the ball and led a fastbreak, which was finished by Trotter Gordie Honeysuckle's slam dunk -- made possible for the 5-foot-2 guard thanks to a conveniently located mini-trampoline placed just past the free throw line.

"I'm pretty sure that's against the rules," Phelps said about the trampoline, adding that the Generals never seem to be the beneficiaries of such amenities.

Phelps has played for the Generals since 2000, when he graduated from tiny Westminster College in the Baltimore area.

"They (the Generals) promised me a lot of playing time," Phelps said. "I thought it was strange that every game was against Harlem, but I was starting and playing a lot.

"But we haven't won -- and that's starting to be suspicious to me."

Phelps added that the crowds seem to always be against his Generals.

"The Globetrotters have fans all over, I'm finding out," he said. "Everywhere we play, it's like 90-10 in favor of them. That's getting old, too."

But it's the losses that eat at Phelps, and the manner in which they occur.

"A few months ago, we managed to stay in the game," he related about the Generals' 99-98 loss at the Kentucky State Fairgrounds. "But with a few seconds left, Slapsy heaved the ball from 3/4 court, and I swear a second ball appeared from nowhere and dropped thru the hoop."

Phelps lamented that he, unfortunately, has no tape of that controversial ending.

Despite his concerns, Phelps plans on being in uniform next Wednesday when the Generals face the Globetrotters in Amarillo, Texas.

"Every game I think, 'Maybe this will be the night we get a win'," Phelps says as he tries to twirl a basketball on his finger with no success whatsoever.

"But damn, they get all the breaks."

Friday, November 9, 2007

Spurned Mattingly Prime Suspect In Series Of Convenience Store Robberies

Reportedly ID'd by witnesses/baseball fans

Bronx, NY (Nov. 9) - Former Yankees coach Don Mattingly, presumably distraught over not getting the team's managerial job, is the prime suspect in a string of recent convenience store robberies, police say.

"There's no one else, really," police Lt. Dan Gibbons said outside the Stop-and-Go store on Staten Island, which was robbed of about $300 Wednesday night.

Mattingly had interviewed for the Yankees' skipper job after the resignation of Joe Torre. He portrayed himself as the front-runner, but the team hired broadcaster and former Florida manager Joe Girardi -- himself a former Yankees coach -- instead. Mattingly, thru his agent, didn't try to hide his anger and disappointment.

"I'm more of a G--damned Yankee than he is," Mattingly said thru his agent, a family member, and someone over for dinner at the family member's house, shortly after the team introduced Girardi. "I mean, come on -- Joe Freaking Girardi? He was a mediocre catcher, for God's sake. Compare our numbers. Christ!"

In the days after losing out to Girardi -- the 2006 NL Manager of the Year -- Mattingly grew more and more distraught, sources close to him said.

His mental and emotional state have apparently led him to robbing convenience stores. Five robberies have been reported since October 30.

"The suspect's modus operandi is consistent," Gibbons said. "He walks in, wearing a Yankees cap pulled low over his head, and a Yankees warm-up jacket. He pretends to purchase chewing tobacco, then pulls out a small pistol and announces a holdup."

But the announcement's manner is what is leading police to Mattingly, along with eyewitness descriptions of the robber.

"The suspect says, 'Now robbing you -- number 23!' Then he produces the gun."

Mattingly wore #23 as a Yankee player from 1982-95.

Friends of the spurned Mattingly say his feeble attempts to conceal his identity and his announcements mean he wants to get caught.

"Clearly, it's a cry for help," said former teammate Dave Righetti. "Don wants to get caught. Police need to arrest him so he can get the help he so desperately needs."

"This is what happens when you give a Yankee job to a non-Yankee," said Mattingly supporter Bruno Magli, a longtime Yankees fan from Yonkers. "I'm all behind Mattingly. I hope he never gets caught. He's like a bandit now. It's cool."

Gibbons said police hope to flesh out Mattingly by luring him into town with a phony opportunity to manage the crosstown Mets.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Area Youngster Snaps Seven-Year Electric Football Win Drought

Akron, OH (Nov. 8) - One of sports' longest-ever losing streaks has come to an end as Harold Milkins finally won an Electric Football game after 124 games and nearly seven years of frustration. But the end didn't come without some controversy.

"Awesome! It's about f***ing time!" is how the 15-year-old Milkins described his disputed, 14-13 victory over friend Richie Harris at Milkins's house after school yesterday.

But Milkins's victory was only sealed after Harris's 25-yard field goal attempt at the final buzzer failed when his "triple threat" kicker's leg didn't move far enough to touch the foam football. Harris asked for a re-try but Milkins, who doubles as the referee during home games, wouldn't allow it, invoking the "too bad, so sad" discretionary viewpoint.

"I win! I win!" Milkins said, as he leaped out of his chair, inadvertently knocking the card table and the football game to the floor, scattering the tiny ceramic, molded football players all over the carpet.

It was Milkins's first-ever Electric Football win -- a game he's been playing since age eight.

Surrounded by his little brother and a kid from down the street who was unidentified, Milkins pumped his fist repeatedly and yelled "See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!" to Harris, 14, as Harris hurried out of the house without talking to reporters.

Harold Milkins smiles after snapping his 124-game Electric Football losing streak

Commenting about the game's final play, Milkins shrugged and said, "I don't care. Not my fault that his kicker didn't work. Maybe he didn't snap the leg back far enough. Not my problem."

The game was close all the way. Milkins, using the Dallas Cowboys in their white jerseys, and Harris, countering with the Pittsburgh Steelers in their black and golds, played a nip-and-tuck contest. Neither team could mount much of a rushing game, with both running backs consistently running out of bounds, joining their blockers and opposing defenders on the sidelines.

There was another dispute in the third quarter, when Milkins turned the game's speed control up during his punt return, hoping to get his ball carrier to the end zone before running out of bounds. But Harris yelled "What the f***?" and pulled the plug out of the wall. The two combatants then compromised and gave Milkins a first down at Harris's 15-yard line. Two plays later, Milkins hit one of those guys who looks like a wide receiver with a nine-yard pass from the "triple threat" QB.

Action in the trenches during Harold Milkins's 14-13 win over Richie Harris in yesterday's controversial Electric Football match

Harris scored on a 25-yard sweep for a 6-0 lead in the first quarter, when his ball carrier -- the guy who looks like a running back -- fortuitously ran around right end when it looked like he, too, was headed out of bounds. The PAT failed when Harris's kick bounced off the plastic upright.

Milkins looked like he was headed for his 125th straight loss when Harris fired a 30-yard strike to one of those guys with his arms outstretched in the second quarter. This time the kick was good, and Milkins trailed, 13-0.

Milkins, trailing 13-7, got the winning score early in the fourth quarter when a 93-yard, 25-play drive ended with a "running back" punching it in from three yards out. The kick was good and Milkins had a 14-13 lead. That's how it stood until Harris and his "triple threat" QB engineered a clock-chewing, 66-yard drive that stalled, setting up the controversial FG try.

Milkins said he would celebrate his first-ever Electric Football victory with a spirited session of Madden '08 and a bag of Double Nacho Cheese Doritos. After being interviewed, Milkins's brother dumped a small bottle of Gatorade over his head. Then the two brothers collapsed onto the floor in hugs and giggles, accidentally breaking several of the players.

"S***!" Milkins said.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Notre Dame To Field All Walk-Ons Against Air Force

South Bend, IN (Nov. 7) - Inspired by the movie "Rudy", Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis announced that his roster will be filled entirely with never-say-die walk-ons when the Fighting Irish take on Air Force this Saturday.

"We have a group of 65 young men whose dream it is to play football for Notre Dame University," Weis said after running the collection of dreamers thru a non-grueling, 15-minute practice. "Well, I'm proud to give them their chance, this Saturday."

"Rudy" was the story of Rudy Ruettiger, a walk-on who eventually lived his fantasy and appeared in a game for Notre Dame.

Weis said the regular players would "sit this one out," and watch from the stands. In order to satisfy NCAA rules, Weis suspended every player for "conduct detrimental to the team."

To make it official, Weis listed the detrimental conduct as "being 1-8."

"This will be the feel-good story of the year," predicted longtime ND booster Sean O'Hallaran, at a local pub that shares his last name. "When those 65 ragamuffins take the field ...," O'Hallaran continued, before becoming overcome with emotion.

Weis said the roster would be divided this way: 23 pre-med students, 17 theatre majors, 11 alumni with college eligibility left (including one 42-year-old plumber), 7 resident advisors, 5 ROTC members, and 2 undeclared majors whose names are Rudy.

"Just to be safe -- and authentic," Weis explained about the two Rudys.

Weis acknowledged that he would have to cut the playbook down dramatically in order to provide a "comfort level" for starting quarterback Elliott Nusbaum, a 37-year-old ND alumnus and South Bend dentist. Despite his medical degree and dental license, Nusbaum has two weeks of eligibility remaining, due to a technicality.

"I like Elliott's arm," Weis said of the dentist, "but he's not very mobile. In fact, he's damn near a statue in the pocket. But by God, I like that man's attitude."

Weis heaped praise on his group of eager but mostly untalented players.

"Rudy's story was one of perseverance and the triumph of desire over ability," the coach said, his voice raising. "He couldn't play a lick, but oh how he tried. I've got 65 men who probably couldn't win an intramural game of flag football, but they'll give me everything they've got."

Weis said he plans on adding about 25 more walk-ons later in the week, in anticipation of losing scores of players due to horrific, gruesome injuries.

"There's no limit as to how many we can dress for home games," Weis explained. "So I think we'll dress 90 on Saturday, just to be safe."

Weis said Air Force might be confused by the scalawag ND roster, which would play into his team's hands.

"They (Air Force) won't have any film on these men, don't forget," Weis said.

That's not totally accurate. There does exist some home movies of Nusbaum as a 16-year-old high school junior, in some mop-up quarterback duty. Weis felt compelled to turn the movies over to the Air Force coaches, "Just to keep my conscience clear," he said.

According to Notre Dame officials, the walk-ons will be presented with their "authentic" uniforms at a special pep rally on campus Friday night. Ruettiger will be in attendance and will address the crowd.

"I get to live a dream," Nusbaum said via phone as he worked on an impacted molar.

But the new Fighting Irish QB is taking his unexpected opportunity seriously.

"Coach let me take home some film (of Air Force)," Nusbaum said. "I think they might bite on a pump fake."

Monday, November 5, 2007

Bobblehead Faces Are All Me, Jersey Man Says

West Orange, NJ (Nov. 4) - In a development that could rock the bobblehead industry to its core, a New Jersey man has admitted that his likeness has been used for every single bobblehead doll ever produced.

"It's why they never look like the person they're supposed to depict," said Andrew Malone, 28, who purportedly sold his likeness to several of the major bobblehead manufacturers, beginning in 1999, when he was just 20.

According to Malone, he was approached by an industry agent who saw him walking his dog in an East Orange park in the summer of '99.

"He told me I had the perfect bobblehead face -- round, plump, and generic in expression," Malone explained in an exclusive interview. "And he said I could make a lot of money in royalties if I would agree to sell my face, essentially."

Malone did just that, and his head was cast into a mold -- a mold that, he says, has been used to produce "millions" of bobblehead dolls, supposedly of various sports and entertainment stars.

Malone (above) claims to be the model for all bobbleheads, like the ones on top

"All they do is change the hair and skin and eye color, and of course, the uniform. Sometimes they have to stretch the head or make it more round. But it's my face," Malone said.

He appears to not be afraid of the repercussions of his admission.

"I've made my money," Malone says. "I just can't stand seeing all these fans being duped any longer. Especially the kids."

Not surprisingly, Malone's comments were met with sharp and swift rebuttal by at least one bobblehead manufacturer.

"Total nonsense," says Artie Hankins, owner of Bobble Cast, based in Connecticut. "This Malone kid is just looking for his 15 minutes of bobblehead fame."

However, Hankins did acknowledge that bobblehead dolls struggle with their likenesses.

"It's an art in development," he says. "We're still trying to get it right."

Not so, according to Malone.

"It's my face. Period. Anything they try to feed you is baloney."

Friday, November 2, 2007

Non-Disgruntled Fan Calls Sports Talk Radio Just To Say Hi

Philadelphia, PA (Nov. 2) - Sports talk radio was reeling yesterday upon the news that a caller dialed a Philadelphia station and had no agenda, harbored no ill will, and didn't want to complain about any of the city's teams.

"I...need a few moments," a clearly shaken Mark Syphers, co-host of Philadelphia's "Syphers and Jenkins" afternoon drive time show on WGFR-AM, said to his listeners after 28-year-old Eagles fan Jeremy Moore's phone call.

Moore called and said he enjoyed listening to the show. Syphers then waited for the expected complaint, beef, or unsolicited suggestion to help fix the Eagles.

But instead, Moore simply announced his fondness for the show and said, "So I just wanted to say Hi and I'll keep listening."

Syphers thought the call was a put-on.

"I told the guy, 'Dude, it's OK. You can tell me what you really want to say.' But he kept insisting all he wanted to do was tell us how much he liked our show.

"His demeanor was pleasant, upbeat, and completely free of ill will," Syphers continued, still plainly stunned, even some three hours later. On the air in the moments after Moore's stunning call, Syphers announced, in a halting voice, that there would be an extended commercial break while he gathered himself.

News of Moore's call spread like wildfire through the sports talk radio industry.

"I hope this is just a fluke," said Elliott Bernstein, programming manager at KTRS radio in Seattle, an all-sports station. "The thing we're most afraid of in the business is a rash of 'copy cat' callers. There are a lot of nuts out there."

Moore, reached at his home later, offered little explanation for his brazen act, which has only added to the frustration and lack of closure by those in sports talk radio.

"Yes, the Eagles are struggling," Moore said, "but I just decided to call on a whim. Honestly."

Moore then denied accusations that his nice, bitch-free phone call was rehearsed and planned.

Syphers warned others that calls similar to Moore's will not be tolerated on his program, and he urged other hosts to issue the same edicts.

"He could have at least suggested a Phillies trade or poked some fun at the 76ers. But no -- this guy was calculating. He had absolutely no intention of being negative in any way, shape, or form. He sure fooled our screeners, I'll say that much."

But Moore said all he told the screener was, "I just want to tell Mark 'Good show.' Apparently the screener thought that was a euphemism for something sarcastic."

Industry analysts predicted screeners and producers will clamp down on any phone call that even hints at being not negative, as a result of the breach that allowed Moore to get on the air without anything bad to say.

Syphers said that he lost his own ability to second-guess and mock for "several hours" while he struggled to process Moore's 22-second call.

"I'll tell you what," Syphers said, head shaking. "If I EVER take another phone call like that it will be too soon."

Moore apologized for all the "hub-bub", but that gesture only served as insult to the industry's injury.

"Great. It's not bad enough that he called and was nice on the air," an e-mail to Syphers's station read. "Then he apologizes! This guy's sadistic!"