Area Man Attends Ballgame, Doesn't Care If He Ever Gets Back

Kansas City, MO (Aug. 12) - Kansas City Royals baseball fan Martin Pierson continues to remain at Kauffman Stadium, nearly 48 hours after the conclusion of Sunday's game against the Minnesota Twins.

"Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack!," Pierson demanded from stadium employees who tried to remove him yesterday, more than 18 hours after the Twins' 4-1 victory over the Royals on Sunday afternoon. "Then we'll talk."

But then, after team officials were encouraged that Pierson would leave if provided with the requested snacks, the 28-year-old fan threw another wrinkle into the situation.

"I don't care if I EVER get back," Pierson said, apparently referring to his suburban Kansas City home.

Pierson, who, according to his ex-girlfriend, is a musician, attended Sunday's game with his brother-in-law Phillip Mooney and his nephew, Skip. But Pierson had driven separately, and told Mooney and his son that he would be "along in a minute." Mooney told police that the plan was for Pierson to follow Mooney home for a post-game meal.













Pierson on Monday at Kauffman Stadium -- about 24 hours after the Royals' loss to the Twins on Sunday afternoon


"But he never showed up," Mooney said, according to transcripts of his interview with Kansas City police.

Mooney, when reached by reporters last night, said that Pierson was enjoying himself, "as usual", and nothing seemed amiss.

"The only thing that was odd was when he said, 'If the Royals don't win, it's a shame', " Mooney said of Pierson's cryptic comments in the eighth inning, the Royals trailing by three runs. "Because Martin is a die-hard Royals fan. But he said it casually, and with almost a twinkle in his eye."

When Skip Mooney, 5, asked his uncle why Royals catcher John Buck was headed back to the dugout, the bat in his hands, Pierson said, "Because it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old ballgame," according to the elder Mooney, after Buck had struck out in the sixth inning.

Police said they hope to remove Pierson from the stadium in time for the Royals' next home game, August 22 against Detroit, but it wasn't clear how they would accomplish that without using force.

"He's actually a nice guy," said police spokesman Leonard Hoffman. "I hope he just leaves on his own volition. But boy, he can pack down the peanuts and Cracker Jack."

Families Of Four Call For Cap On Costs Of Going To A Game

Washington, D.C. (May 5) - The nation's Families of Four held a press conference and a rally in the capital yesterday, calling for governmental controls over the "cost of going to a game."

"As you know, a Family of Four is one of this country's most precious, time-honored institutions," said Larry Millbrew, a 44-year-old husband and father of two girls. "And today, the Family of Four is under siege; the costs of going to a game are simply outrageous and Congress MUST step in," Millbrew said as he spoke in front of Washington's new baseball stadium, Nationals Park.

Approximately 4,000 Families of Four marched down Pennsylvania Avenue before boarding charter buses, which took them to Nationals Park. Families of Four of every color, income class, and religion participated, according to Millbrew, who helped organize the event. Those Families of Four with small children were provided with special, motorized strollers.

According to the latest research from Dynamic Marketing, which specializes in the costs of various events for Families of Four, the average baseball game costs a Family of Four approximately $275. This figure includes tickets, parking, soft drinks, hot dogs, a game program, and "some stupid souvenir of some sort that your kids are sure to bug you about as you walk out of the stadium." This dollar amount is up from $269, the average from 2007 -- an increase of over two percent.


Larry Millbrew and his Family of Four pose in a recent photo


"I'm the head of a typical Family of Four," Millbrew said, "and I'm doing all I can to help my family cut costs. To think that I might have to settle for one hot dog and that my daughter, Regina, might have to do without food at all so I can afford a freaking beer is simply unacceptable."

Others at the protest echoed Millbrew's sentiment.

"First, you have to buy your kids some stupid ass s**t," said 38-year-old engineer Frank Craft. "You know that, right off the bat. And they're gonna want to stuff their face with food. You know that, too. Last year I had to spring for a $5 G**-damn ice cream novelty thing, which nearly cut into my bratwurst budget. It's out of control."

Analysts say Families of Four are used as the nation's barometer for how much things cost because "it sounds good. Rolls off the tongue," says Dr. Allan Kurtzenbaum, who works for Dynamic Marketing. "Family of Three seems too small. And Family of Five is just plain odd-sounding," he explained.

Other Families of Four who turned out for the protest made thinly-veiled threats.

"There are other things we can spend our hard-earned money on," said homemaker Vera Vasquez. "Like going to the movies."

When told of how much it costs a Family of Four to attend a movie, including $15 for a bucket of popcorn and a medium soda, Vasquez vomited.

"God, we're screwed," she then said.

Area Woman Overcome As Husband Proposes Divorce On JumboTron Scoreboard

Atlanta, GA. (Apr. 16) - In the end, she couldn't say no.

Suburban Atlanta woman Melanie Hudson was unable to resist the creativity of her estranged husband, Richard, and agreed to a divorce, in front of 16,000+ fans at Philips Arena during last night's Orlando Magic-Atlanta Hawks game.

"Melanie, Will You Divorce Me?", read the message flashed on the JumboTron scoreboard during a timeout in the second quarter. As the fans cheered and chanted, "YES! YES!", Melanie turned to the man she's been married to for six years and separated from for three months and, tears welling, cried, "I WILL!" before flinging herself into the arms of her friend, Gabrielle Malvais. Richard Hudson was then seen pumping his fist as the crowd roared.

"It was soooo sweet," gushed fan Cynthia Betters, who was sitting several rows behind the unhappy couple. "To think that that woman, Melanie, had been suffering through a bad marriage for so long, then to have her dreams come true, in front of all these people ...," Betters said before being overcome with emotion.


Overcome with emotion, Melanie Hudson cries on the shoulder of friend Gabrielle Malvais after estranged husband Richard's divorce proposal flashed on the scoreboard at Philips Arena


Melanie Hudson, who friends say has been threatening an end to her marriage for "several years now", agreed to attend the Hawks game with her soon-to-be-ex only under the condition that she be allowed to bring Malvais, and that they drive separately, along with the stipulation that Richard leave the arena with six minutes left in the fourth quarter, and that he not know where Melanie parked. After satisfying those demands, Richard satisfied one more.

"He nudged her and pointed to the scoreboard," Malvais told reporters. "Melanie scowled at him, because another condition was that he not touch her. But he pointed again, and when she finally turned her head upward and saw the letters in lights, she lit up brighter than that darn scoreboard!"

After Melanie emphatically agreed to the divorce to the cheering crowd, Richard Hudson then produced pre-drawn up divorce papers that he had picked up from his attorney's office on the way to the game.

"It was a complete surprise. He really pulled it off," Malvais added.

The non-fairy tale marriage will officially end this Friday, when the paperwork is filed.

Neither Melanie nor Richard Hudson were available for comment, under a gag order.

Small Picket Fences Being Swiped At Alarming Rate; Sports Fans To Blame

Peoria, IL (Feb. 15) - Small picket fences are being stolen and sold on the black market at rates never seen before, a national institute reports.

The Harrison Group, a non-profit organization that tracks sports-related crimes, says that the fences are being plucked from homes and gardens across the country and ending up in sports crowds around the nation.


Lord knows where that piece of fence came from


"They're being used, in combination with handmade and stolen D's from area signs, to make the sign for 'defense' at sporting events," says Harrison Group spokesman Donna Beltaire. "It's becoming pandemic. Soon it may be epidemic. Or vice-versa. I forget which is worse."

Beltaire said the Group's study included the 12 months from February 2007 to January 2008.

"What we found was an increase of nearly 77% in reports of picket fence robberies," she said at a press conference yesterday. "Our intelligence shows the fences being cut into sections then sold in the black market, where they end up in fans' hands."

Beltaire said most fans who come upon the fence sections have no idea the sections are "hot."

"They're usually told that the person who's selling the sections owned the fence, making the transaction seem legitimate in the buyer's eyes. But 99% of the time, the seller bought the fence sections from an unscrupulous individual."

Yes, that means that there are those who are fencing fences.

"It's just another sad commentary," Beltaire said.