Friday, May 30, 2008

Report: Hollywood Celebrities Have Never Watched More Than 5 Minutes Of Any G**damned NBA Game They Get Dragged To

Los Angeles, CA. (May 30) - Nearing the peak of the NBA season, a report has been released which reveals that the Hollywood actors and actresses that are seen at NBA games watch "less than five minutes" and are mainly there to be photographed and seen on TV.

"I can't say that I'm shocked," said NBA public relations spokesperson Mandy Crittendon. "This report, while disappointing, kind of confirms our suspicions."

The report, commissioned by the NBA and done by CelebTrak, a Los Angeles-based research group that specializes in what celebrities do in their free time, says that only actors Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman actually watch the games. The others watch an average of 4 minutes and 44 seconds of actual game action.

"The breakdown of the 48-minute NBA game for these celebrities is this: 4:44 watching the game, 21:07 turning to their left or right and speaking into the ear of the person next to them, :10 spent looking up at the scoreboard to see their image on the screen, and the remaining 21:59 is spent in a limousine commuting to the game or carousing in the parking lot," said CelebTrak chief Gordon Sankauer. "We're sorry to report this, but this is the result of three years of hard work."

Sankauer said that Nicholson and Hoffman, longtime fans of the Los Angeles Lakers and New York Knicks, respectively, spend an average of 44:13 watching the game -- easily by far the most of any celebrity. In fact, Sankauer said, Nicholson even coaches some of the game for the Lakers while Phil Jackson meditates.

Lakers fan and sometimes-coach Jack Nicholson tells Derek Fisher to shoot during Thursday's Game 5 against the Spurs

Nicholson was, as usual, in attendance during Thursday's Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals as the Lakers tussled with the San Antonio Spurs, coaching the last two minutes of the first quarter and about three minutes midway thru the third quarter.

"Jack's a player's coach," said Lakers star Kobe Bryant. "He just lets us do our thing. He says he prefers not to be over-directed as an actor, so why should he over-coach?"

Nicholson did, however, indicate that he wanted a time out last night, which Bryant called -- pretending that it had been asked for by Jackson, in the interest of "not making a big deal out of anything so we don't have to deal with it right now."

Some celebrities, like actress Cameron Diaz -- who was at last night's Lakers game -- confessed to "not even knowing who was playing" and openly wondering "how long do we have to stay?" and "can we pleeeease leave now?"

Friday, May 23, 2008

Momentum Tired Of Being Fought Over, Spoken For

Los Angeles, CA. (May 23) - Making a rare public appearance, Momentum emerged near the Staples Center to air some beefs with surprised reporters yesterday.

"I'm tired of athletes speaking for me," a visibly agitated Momentum said. The impelling force, constantly fought over by sports teams, has had enough. "Everyone says they 'have' me or that I've 'swung' in their direction. How do they know? Really -- how the hell do they KNOW?"

Momentum also chided the TV and radio announcers.

"They may be the worst, actually," Momentum said, decked out in its geophysical form. "Who's got the momentum? Oh, better not lose the momentum! Oh, that call could have changed the momentum! God, they're such bleating asses!"

Momentum (above) appears unannounced to decry treatment of itself

The infinitesimal change in a varying quantity; an increment or decrement, added that he has no idea how the infatuation with his whereabouts and direction got started.

"But it's got to stop," he said. "I'm living in a fish bowl here, and I'm tired of it."

Momentum did add, however, that he's never been associated with the Los Angeles Clippers, Detroit Lions, or the Italian Army -- and rejects any hints to the contrary as being "offensive."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Town Hall Meetings To Decide Tense Hockey Race

Detroit, MI. (May 21) - This blue-collar midwestern city will soon be the focal point of a convention of ice hockey enthusiasts who will converge to help decide the championship of the National Hockey League (NHL) via a series of Town Hall meetings.

Delegates representing the Western Conference of the NHL have begun arriving, ostensibly to throw their support behind the Detroit Red Wings, assuming they vote along conference lines. Delegates representing the Eastern Conference, expected here tomorrow, are expected to back the hockey club from Pittsburgh, named the Penguins. But as it goes with conventions of this type, nothing is certain.

"I've seen these things tilt the opposite way that you think," said western delegate Sam Robbins of Aurora, OH, who says he's leaning toward the Red Wings. "But who knows? Maybe something will happen during these meetings to change my mind, and the minds of others."

Delegate Sam Robbins, with the stage of Saturday's town hall meeting in the background

Beginning Saturday evening at 8:00, delegates will be in attendance as personnel from the Red Wings and Penguins take the stage in the city's historic Joe Louis Arena to engage in a lively discussion about why their team should be crowned as champion and thus presented with the Stanley Cup, the symbol of NHL supremacy. Meeting 2 is set for Monday night at the arena in Detroit, with the scene shifting to Pittsburgh for Meeting 3 next Wednesday. The cities are sharing in the hosting of the town hall meetings in the interest of fairness. Analysts predict that it may take as many as seven meetings to declare a winner.

"But if renegade attempts are made to crash the meetings, as has been rumored, by a contingent from Philadelphia and another from Dallas, then all bets are off," Robbins said. The teams from those two cities are recognized by their supporters as being worthy championship candidates as well, though it's doubtful whether they'll be seated in the meetings.

The town hall meetings will be moderated by NBC's Tim Russert and Mike Emrick, along with longtime hockey essayist Barry Melrose.

"It'll be our jobs to make sure the teams answer the hard questions that hockey observers want answered," said Russert, who's said to be "boning up on" such issues as which team has more secondary scoring and better penalty killers.

Penguins up-and-coming leader Sidney Crosby has been attracting the young vote, while such Red Wings veterans as Chris Chelios and Kris Draper appeal to an older, more conservative sector. Melrose can't wait.

"This is the matchup all the hockey pundits wanted to see," Melrose said in a conference call attended by three other people. "Some say it would be best if the Red Wings and Penguins joined forces to form a 'dream team,' but I don't think either team would be satisfied with second banana status," Melrose added. "I say let them fight it out at the meetings."

Attendance will be ensured with promises of free food and drink by way of vouchers handed out at street corners, fast food restaurants, and your daughter's school.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Tampa Bay Rays F**king Everything Up

Tampa, FL. (May 19) - Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon held an informal press conference before yesterday's game to apologize to the baseball world -- especially the fans in Boston and New York -- for his team, in his words, "f**king everything up" in the standings.

"I really don't have any excuses," Maddon said before the Rays' game in St. Louis. "I never would have dreamed this would happen -- mostly mistake-free baseball filled with timely hitting and decent pitching. At least not for this long of a stretch, anyway."

The Rays, who've never come close to a winning season in their 11-year existence, are 25-19 and are only one game behind Boston in the AL East Division.

But Maddon's players were quick to come to their manager's defense.

"Hey, we lose as a team and we win as a team," said pitcher James Shields, who is REALLY f**king everything up with his terrific starts. "You can't point the finger at Joe. He's not the one moving runners from first to third or getting a big strikeout to end an opponent's rally. I know it's easy to blame one man rather than 25, but fair is fair. I mean, look at me. I didn't go out there in my last start trying to throw a one-hit shutout. But stuff happens, you know?"

Maddon said he "has run out of things to say" to the media about the Rays' start, which is completely turning the division and, by extension, the entire league upside down.

"Well, that's just great," said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon when told of Maddon's remarks. "He has no clue? He can't give us even a HINT of what the hell is going on down there? Terrific."

Maddon said that he would address his team before its next game.

"Obviously we need a little wake-up call," Maddon said about his team's tardiness in playing mediocre, Tampa-like baseball. "Maybe a meeting will do the trick. Tell the folks in Boston and New York to just bear with me here."

Friday, May 16, 2008

"KG Got To Win On Road," Garnett Says

Cleveland, OH. (May 16) - Boston Celtics star hulk, Kevin Garnett, is in a life-or-death struggle with winning a playoff game on the road, sources say.

"Got," Garnett said with a grimace after practice yesterday as he strained to bust out of the chains that team personnel had placed him in, in order to bottle up his energy. "KG got to win on road," he said, a faraway look in his eyes, the pupils of which were dilated.

Garnett was carried by six beefy security guards off the court and placed in his bonds, which included ankle irons and chains connecting his ankles to his wrists. After bucking violently for several minutes, Garnett was then given an injection, which calmed him.

The Celtics are 7-0 at home and 0-5 on the road going into tonight's Game 6 against Cleveland in the Eastern Conference semi-finals.

Garnett, moments before being placed in restraints and under 24/7 guard

Garnett, acquired last summer from Minnesota in order to bring the Celtics back to championship status, teamed with Ray Allen and Paul Pierce to lead Boston to the NBA's best record this season. But the playoffs have been a different story.

So the decision was made after Game 5's Celtics win to keep Garnett in constant restraint until game time in Cleveland. He's watched 24/7, and is fed intravenously.

"Losing on road make KG want to SMASH!," Garnett said during one of his few moments of consciousness.

Celtics coach Doc Rivers would only say, "In the playoffs, everyone's a little more uptight. KG will be fine. I'm confident that he'll emerge from his restraints a much more focused, better player for us on the road."

At press time, Garnett was drifting in and out of consciousness and banging his head against the wooden board that he's been strapped to.

"KG want to HURT LeBron. Win on road must be happen for KG and Celtics," he said over and over.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

MLB To Change "Ejected" To "Coxed"

New York, NY. (May 14) - In an effort to properly recognize Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox and his status as the most-ejected manager in major league history, baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that, effective immediately, the term "being ejected" will now be referred to as "getting Coxed."

"It's the least we can do," Selig said at a press conference yesterday. "Bobby Cox is one of the biggest whiners and bitchers in baseball history, and this office feels we need to acknowledge that.

"So, effective immediately, I've asked all Major League personnel -- from umpires to broadcasters to our night watchman -- to refer to the act of a manager or player being asked to leave a game as 'getting or being Coxed'," Selig said.

Cox gets Coxed recently

Cox, who's been Coxed from nearly 150 games in his career, became emotional as he discussed the honor prior to last night's Braves game.

"It really took me by surprise," Cox said in the dugout. "I mean, to know that all of my crybaby antics and tantrums are now being etched into baseball history in this manner ...," Cox added before getting choked up.

Umpire Doug Eddings, who's Coxed Cox five times in his career, said, "It's a fine and appropriate tribute to one of the game's biggest assholes. Good for him."

Cox, in the third inning, thanked Eddings for his comments as he argued a close play at first base, before telling the arbiter to "Go f*** himself." Cox was promptly Coxed shortly thereafter.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Doctor: Carl Pavano Likely Needs To Be Destroyed

New York, NY. (May 12) - A visibly shaken team doctor for the New York Yankees says that often-injured pitcher Carl Pavano will "likely" need to be destroyed, thus ending, in tragic manner, the righthander's career.

Pavano, 32, who signed a huge free agent contract with the Yankees in 2005 after some good seasons in Florida, hasn't been completely healthy since arriving in New York, always with arm trouble of some sort. And his elbow has worsened -- apparently to the point of no return.

"I really don't see much hope," said Yankees team physician Dr. James Meadows after Pavano's latest setback, in which x-rays and an MRI revealed that Pavano's right elbow is "virtually gone" -- the only remnants being a "few small bones and half a ligament."


"Even his 'funny bone' is gone," Dr. Meadows said with a sigh.

Meadows said his recommendation is that Pavano be "put out of our -- I mean, HIS -- misery and destroyed." Meadows cited a major league pitcher's inability to keep from using a bad elbow for the reasoning behind the recommended euthanasia.

"We really can't expect him to keep his elbow inactive for the 12-16 week period necessary for rehab," Meadows told reporters, his voice hushed and his eyes moist. "Pitchers like Carl are very prone to want to move around and use the elbow, for things like eating, putting on clothes -- things of that nature. Euthanasia is really the only alternative."

Pavano only pitched in two games in 2007 after missing all of 2006. He has been trying to get healthy enough to pitch this season, but hasn't been able to throw pain-free in nearly three years.

"We regret Dr. Meadows's conclusion, but we respect it," said acting Yankees managing partner Hank Steinbrenner. "Our condolences go to Carl's family and all those who enjoyed watching him pitch."

Steinbrenner added that Pavano will be buried beneath the infield of the team's new stadium, set to open in 2009.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Local Man Still Trying To Think Of That One Player's Name

Scottsdale, AZ. (May 9) - Local baseball fan Charles Lucas still hasn't thought of the name of that player he was referring to in a recent story he was relating to friends, according to reports.

"God, it's on the tip of my tongue!," Lucas cried in despair as he was forced to halt the telling of the anecdote in front of several friends at a birthday party last Sunday. Lucas, friends say, was in the middle of telling a story about a game he went to once as a teen between the Oakland A's and Milwaukee Brewers -- a game in which this one player (the one Lucas can't think of, dammit!) made an incredible catch, only to forget how many outs there were, allowing runs to score anyway.

"He (Lucas) was really sucking us into this story," said friend Bob Huffmeyer, who was present when Lucas launched into the anecdote, which started with Lucas saying, "That reminds me of this game I went to when I was in eighth grade." Then, anxiety struck as Lucas couldn't think of the player's name. "At first we thought he was just going to tell the story anyway, you know, finish it," Huffmeyer said. "But every time he started to continue, he'd go right back to trying to remember the player's name. It got to be very distracting."

Lucas, in a photo taken at the fateful party last Sunday, trying to think of that player's name

Eventually, according to Huffmeyer, the friends began dispersing -- leaving to refill beer cups or grab another plate of nachos. Only a couple returned, and when they saw that Lucas was still agonizing over not recalling the player's name, they too wandered off, leaving Lucas to stew.

"I felt sorry for him, but I was like, 'Dude, it's no big deal; just tell us what freaking happened'," said another friend, Lance Moore. "I was kinda pissed, to be honest. He got us all interested and then he freaks out when he can't remember the guy's name. Who cares? It's what happened that counts, isn't it?"

As of late last night, according to sources, Lucas had yet to remember the player's name, despite opting for such devices as putting it out of his mind for awhile, hoping that it would come to him "out of the blue"; going through the alphabet, hoping that a certain letter would jar his memory; and even purchasing (for $49.95) a Baseball Encyclopedia, and perusing rosters for the A's and Brewers in 1981, when Lucas was "pretty sure" the game occurred. The encyclopedia purchase has helped, sources say; Lucas is "almost positive" that the player is either Brewers OF Ben Oglivie, Gorman Thomas, or Thad Bosley. Lucas "thinks" he can eliminate Thomas because he's "got a feeling" that the player was black; Thomas is white.

Lucas says that if he can't think of the player's name by the weekend, then he will "kill myself; just absolutely kill myself. Damn, why can't I think of it?!"

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Larry Brown Already Bored With Bobcats Job

Has inquired into Spurs coaching vacancy, even though there isn't one

Charlotte, NC. (May 7) - Mercurial basketball coach Larry Brown, hired less than two weeks ago by the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats, is already "bored" with the job and has asked about a similar role with the San Antonio Spurs.

"It would be great to get back to San Antonio -- a place where I had some of the best years of my life," Brown said in a prepared statement -- although the words "San Antonio" had been typed in over a whited out space, where "Indiana" and "Detroit" had once been typed and erased. Brown coached the Spurs in the late-1980s, early-1990s.

Brown says the Spurs' 0-2 hole in their playoff series with the New Orleans Hornets gave him pause.

Brown is ready to move on -- again

"It may be time to make a move there," Brown said in the statement. "(Spurs coach) Gregg Popovich is a good friend of mine, but this is a results-oriented business. If they (the Spurs) would like to talk to me, I'm willing to listen," Brown added, saying that he could "be in San Antonio in three hours" if given the job in time for Game 3 of the series.

Brown also addressed his new job with the Bobcats.

"Coming back to North Carolina, where I also had some more of the best years of my life, hasn't been as fulfilling as I would have hoped," the statement said. Brown played at the University of North Carolina. "Maybe it's time for the Bobcats and me to part ways -- to be fair to them as well as to me."

Sources say Brown "simply thinks the team isn't any good", and that the chance to coach a title contender like the Spurs would be "too good to pass up."

When reminded that the Spurs job is not open, one source said, "That's because Larry Brown wasn't a candidate. Let's see what happens now, once the Spurs see Larry's available to them."

Popovich is expected to coach the Spurs in their Game 3 matchup with the Hornets on Thursday, despite Brown's interest in the job.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Families Of Four Call For Cap On Costs Of Going To A Game

Washington, D.C. (May 5) - The nation's Families of Four held a press conference and a rally in the capital yesterday, calling for governmental controls over the "cost of going to a game."

"As you know, a Family of Four is one of this country's most precious, time-honored institutions," said Larry Millbrew, a 44-year-old husband and father of two girls. "And today, the Family of Four is under siege; the costs of going to a game are simply outrageous and Congress MUST step in," Millbrew said as he spoke in front of Washington's new baseball stadium, Nationals Park.

Approximately 4,000 Families of Four marched down Pennsylvania Avenue before boarding charter buses, which took them to Nationals Park. Families of Four of every color, income class, and religion participated, according to Millbrew, who helped organize the event. Those Families of Four with small children were provided with special, motorized strollers.

According to the latest research from Dynamic Marketing, which specializes in the costs of various events for Families of Four, the average baseball game costs a Family of Four approximately $275. This figure includes tickets, parking, soft drinks, hot dogs, a game program, and "some stupid souvenir of some sort that your kids are sure to bug you about as you walk out of the stadium." This dollar amount is up from $269, the average from 2007 -- an increase of over two percent.

Larry Millbrew and his Family of Four pose in a recent photo

"I'm the head of a typical Family of Four," Millbrew said, "and I'm doing all I can to help my family cut costs. To think that I might have to settle for one hot dog and that my daughter, Regina, might have to do without food at all so I can afford a freaking beer is simply unacceptable."

Others at the protest echoed Millbrew's sentiment.

"First, you have to buy your kids some stupid ass s**t," said 38-year-old engineer Frank Craft. "You know that, right off the bat. And they're gonna want to stuff their face with food. You know that, too. Last year I had to spring for a $5 G**-damn ice cream novelty thing, which nearly cut into my bratwurst budget. It's out of control."

Analysts say Families of Four are used as the nation's barometer for how much things cost because "it sounds good. Rolls off the tongue," says Dr. Allan Kurtzenbaum, who works for Dynamic Marketing. "Family of Three seems too small. And Family of Five is just plain odd-sounding," he explained.

Other Families of Four who turned out for the protest made thinly-veiled threats.

"There are other things we can spend our hard-earned money on," said homemaker Vera Vasquez. "Like going to the movies."

When told of how much it costs a Family of Four to attend a movie, including $15 for a bucket of popcorn and a medium soda, Vasquez vomited.

"God, we're screwed," she then said.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Yankees' Girardi Feels "Left Out" That No Real Speculation About His Job Security Has Started Yet

New York, NY. (May 2) - Despite a sluggish start and being swept at home by the also slow-starting Detroit Tigers, New York Yankees first-year manager Joe Girardi's job security has yet to be aggressively discussed, a development that has Girardi feeling "left out," according to friends.

"Everyone knows that you're not TRULY a Yankees manager until you've had your job threatened by radio show callers and sports columnists," said Anthony Pellagrino, a close friend of Girardi's since childhood. "And that hasn't really happened yet, and Joe can't understand why."

Girardi, hired last fall to replace longtime skipper Joe Torre, who resigned under pressure, is puzzled why a 14-16 start and the inability to consistently beat crappy teams like Tampa Bay and Baltimore hasn't made him a lightning rod yet.

During a recent loss, Yankees manager Joe Girardi desperately looks toward the Steinbrenner suite for any signs of disgust

"The other day, he was like, 'What does a guy have to do around here to be a whipping boy?'," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "I think he would wear his job being threatened as a badge of honor," Jeter added. "And, sadly, the media and fans seem to be patient with Joe, which hurts him."

Girardi reportedly was looking forward to the maelstrom and media circus that a slow start would put him in the center of, but he's complained to friends that "Torre was never treated this well" in the past several years. The Yankees haven't won a World Series since 2000.

"The thing about Joe is, he's at his best when you tell him he can't do something," Pellagrino said. "And it bothers him that nobody has really started to tell him that yet. He's getting restless, I can tell you that."

Girardi was the 2006 NL Manager of the Year with Florida, but fell out of favor with management and was fired anyway -- a situation that whetted his appetite for the perils of managing in New York.

"He was proud of being fired in Florida, because he did things his way," Pellagrino said. "So when he took the Yankees job, he told me, 'Just wait till you see how much abuse I can take.' "

But media and fan outcries for Girardi's head have been few and far between.

"He's bitterly disappointed," Pellagrino said. "He thought Yankees fans and the media were tougher and more callous than this.

"He's disillusioned."

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner's son, Hank, who's been taking a more active role in running the ballclub, has offered Girardi nothing but encouragement, according to sources.

"Joe now feels like he was sold a bill of goods," Pellagrino said.