Woods: I Also Played U.S. Open With A Broken Arm, A Damaged Pelvis, And Other Internal Injuries

Aspen, CO. (Jun 25) - Adding to his legend, Tiger Woods revealed yesterday that in addition to winning the U.S. Open with a badly injured left knee, he also played with an assortment of other injuries, ranging from a broken arm to internal bleeding.

"Whenever you'd see me grimace, it could have been for any number of reasons," Woods told reporters as he began a summer of rehabilitation in this Colorado resort town. "My knee? Possibly. But there were other things. Other, very bad things," Woods said, his voice dropping and turning menacing.

Woods then listed his ailments -- the ones bothering him at the Open two weeks ago.

"A broken right arm," he said. "Yeah, I broke it. It was a clean break. I suffered it earlier in the week, playing with my daughter. Hurt like hell, especially on tee shots."


Woods somehow manages to laugh with Rocco Mediate after the 2008 U.S. Open, despite a broken arm, a damaged pelvis, a Charley Horse, an asleep foot, internal bleeding, severe headaches, blunt force trauma, and a kidney stone


Woods continued, looking around, not making eye contact with reporters as he listed off his physical problems.

"I was in a minor traffic accident the day before the Pro-Am and messed up my pelvis pretty bad," Woods added. "Then, sometime during the second round, a fan's umbrella jabbed me in the side, and that evening I had some pain. Turns out I had internal bleeding."

Woods wasn't done. He added severe headaches, blunt force trauma to his left shoulder, a "pretty bad" Charley Horse, and said his right foot "fell asleep" while waiting to tee off at no. 16 during the fourth round. "That was worse than you think," Woods said.

Woods said that, given his maladies, that it was "a no-brainer" to skip the rest of the season with knee surgery.

"Gives me time to recover from everything else. Kill nine birds with one stone."

With that remark, Woods added a kidney stone to the list, saying, "I almost forgot!"

Philanthropic Tiger Woods Feted For Giving Masters To South African Player

New York, NY. (Apr. 18) - Hailed as "just another great act by a great man", Tiger Woods was honored yesterday for his benevolence in donating the 2008 Masters tournament to little-known South African golfer Trevor Immelman.

"Your generosity in sharing just a tiny portion of your vast golf wealth is certainly appreciated," PGA Honorary President Roger Warren told Woods at a press conference held at the newly-opened PGA Experience in Manhattan. "It's wonderful to see you helping out those less fortunate."

Woods was cited for his sandbagging during last weekend's Masters, when, despite proclaiming he would win the tournament several weeks ago, Woods hung back and allowed Immelman to be this year's Cinderella story.

"Tiger Woods showed what kind of a person he truly is," Warren said as Immelman flanked him, wearing the green jacket that is customary of all Masters champions -- a jacket that he would not be wearing without Woods's assistance. "There was every indication that we were going to see yet another late round charge by Mr. Woods to pull out victory from the jaws of defeat. But he decided instead to take that victory and hand it to Mr. Immelman. A real class act."

Woods explained the reasoning behind his decision -- made, he said, overnight between rounds three and four.

"I certainly could have won this year's Masters, and I had every intention of doing so," Woods said as he looked at Immelman, who nodded submissively. "As you all know, few things get my juices flowing better than coming from behind and stealing everyone's thunder at a major. But then I looked at Trevor when I got to the course Sunday morning, and he just looked so scared and unsure of himself. That's when I thought, 'Let the kid have this one.'"


Woods explains his decision to donate the 2008 Masters to Trevor Immelman


So Woods put on a mini-rally, coming from six shots back to creep within three before "pulling back on the reins", as he put it.

"I scared the poor guy half to death," Woods said, smiling, as Immelman chuckled nervously. "But in the end, I know I did the right thing."

Woods added that, despite several requests from other golfers, he may not donate any more tournaments in 2008.

"I can't say yes to everyone," Woods said. "I maybe should have said no this time, but Trevor didn't ask. This was a donation from the heart. Anything else, going forward, would be too contrived."

Woods and Immelman then embraced, at which point Immelman began sobbing, repeatedly saying "Thank you" as cameras clicked madly.

Tiger Woods Announces 2008 Victory Tour Dates

Orlando, FL. (Mar. 17) - Moments after winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational with a dramatic, 25-foot birdie putt for his fifth straight PGA Tour victory, Tiger Woods revealed the dates of the remainder of his 2008 wins.

"I shall win the Masters again," Woods said after reporters hushed. "Then I will win the following tournaments," he added, pulling a small piece of paper from his back pocket.

"The Byron Nelson Championship in Irving, Texas," Woods said, looking up at reporters after mentioning each tournament. "The Players Championship in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. The Stanford St. Jude Classic in Tennessee. The U.S. Open in San Diego. The Buick Open in Grand Blanc, Michigan." Woods cleared his throat, said, "Mmm...pardon me," before continuing. "The AT&T National in Bethesda, Maryland. The British Open in Lancashire. The PGA Championship at Oakland Hills in Michigan."


Woods pumps his fist, on his way to yesterday's planned win at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, which he announced would happen back in January


When it was pointed out that the 2008 victory schedule meant he would be capturing the Grand Slam, Woods simply nodded and said softly, "That's correct."

Woods announced that beyond the PGA, he wasn't sure which tournaments he would win, explaining that his personal schedule hadn't been made that far out.

Woods said that details of his victories, such as by how many strokes, under what conditions, and whether he would need to come from behind in any of them, would be revealed "soon."

"Meanwhile, I just want to enjoy this walk-off win, which if you remember, I announced in a press release back in January," Woods added.

With that, Woods left, refusing to accept the trophy from Palmer, explaining that "it's just going to go downstairs and get lost in all the clutter."

Golf Scientists Discover 19th Hole

Greens fees, total pars likely to increase

Geneva, Switzerland (Nov. 15) - Calling it the most significant news in the history of golf since the invention of the ball washer, scientists who specialize in the sport have discovered a 19th hole, a development which is sure to change the sport's landscape forever.

"November 14, 2007 will be known as the date that ushered in a new era of golf," an elated Dr. Manheim Steemrohler said at a press conference in front of the Golf Institute for Technology (GIT).

Dr. Steemrohler said that the discovery occurred by accident.

"We were working on a study as to whether golf balls hit out of the sand experience significant blunt-force, aerodynamic trauma, when Dr. (Heinrich) Bubler made the discovery, thanks to a high-powered telescope and extremely sensitive, time-stop photography," Dr. Steemrohler said, speaking for a team of 11 golf scientists.

The 19th hole, the doctor said, exists in a "parallel area between time and space," and every golf course in the world has one.

When pressed for explanation in layperson's terms, Dr. Steemrohler said, "You wouldn't understand."


Dr. Manheim Steemrohler demonstrates some of the equipment used to find golf's new 19th hole

Later, Dr. Bubler spoke to reporters gathered in front of the doctor's country club as he headed out to play a "quick 19", in his words.

"Basically, this new discovery means a few things. Number one, par for most courses will now be 75 or 76. Second, it will take approximately nine minutes longer to play a full round of golf. And last, but not least, I'll make lots of money."

Noting that there's still considerable confusion over the exact location of golf's new hole, Dr. Steemrohler assured reporters that information about that part of the discovery will be released within the next several days. But a source close to the golf scientists said the 19th hole would be typically found "within 55 yards of the 18th green, off to the right," and will only be able to be detected with special, very expensive, fancy-shmancy scientific equipment for "at least five years."

The hope is, within the industry, that when the 19th hole becomes more accessible to public courses and "real people", greens fees and cart fees can be increased.

"Typical," said golfer Dwayne Benson of the industry's goal as he finished the soon-to-be-atypical 18 holes at a Harrisburg, Pa. public course yesterday on a balmy fall day. "This news is less than 24 hours old and already the greed and money-grubbing has begun."

A spokesman for golf's Lord, Tiger Woods, said, "Lord Woods is encouraged about anything that's for the good of the sport that he owns and operates. He's confident that this 19th hole will mean that he can win tournaments by even wider margins than he is currently."