Monday, January 28, 2008

Area Man: "These Beer Prices Are Outrageous!"

Seattle, WA. (Jan. 28) - Seattle-area Supersonics fan Dominic Renetta is disgusted with the prices of beer at Key Arena, according to sources close to the 34-year-old design engineer.

"He was in line with me," said friend and fellow fan Andy Maloney yesterday. "And then I heard him kind of go, 'Sheesh', and 'You've gotta be kidding me.' The next thing I know, Dom's not in line anymore."

Maloney said that the two Sonics fans sidled up to a concession stand late in the first quarter of a recent game against the Golden State Warriors, ostensibly to purchase beer.

"I was getting thirsty, so I said to Dom, 'Wanna beer?' He said 'Sure,' and we headed for the stand," Maloney explained to reporters outside his suburban Seattle home.

But the planned malt and hops beverage purchase that Renetta hoped to make with Maloney never happened.

Instead, Maloney said, when he found Renetta back in his seat after Maloney made his purchase of the $6.75, 14-oz. beer, "I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Those prices are outrageous,' and he spent the rest of the quarter, and most of the second, complaining about the concession prices."

Maloney said Renetta's tirade extended beyond just the Key Arena concessions.

Dominic Renetta

"When Dom gets going, he starts including things that we aren't even talking about. Before long, he's bitching about everything from the quality of public restroom toilet paper to having something stuck in his teeth," Maloney said, shaking his head and sighing.

Maloney said he offered to buy Renetta a beer, but he was rebuffed.

"He told me I could keep my money, but he did thank me for the offer."

Refusing to give up on finagling a beer for his friend, Maloney then suggested a 10-oz. cup for $4.50, but that was met with a disgusted wave of Renetta's hand.

"So he settled on a Coke at halftime," Maloney said.

Renetta chafed at paying $3.50 for the 16-oz soft drink, but was calmed when he was told the soda came with a souvenir Sonics cup that he could keep.

"But then, before you know it, he's complaining about why they don't offer souvenir cups with beer," Maloney said. "I'm telling you, he can be f**king annoying."

Other sources close to Renetta say that he's considering writing a letter of complaint to Key Arena concessions manager Dwight Leonard.

"Stay tuned," one of the sources said of Renetta's plans.

Maloney rolled his eyes when told of the planned letter.

"Whatever," he said.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Satan Arrives In Denver To Collect Rockies Debt

Denver, CO. (Jan. 21) - Acknowledging that he's calling in his marker rather early, Satan -- The Devil himself -- showed up in Denver today to collect on the deal he made with the Colorado Rockies last September.

"It's time to pay the piper ... that would be me," the Keeper of the Netherworld told reporters as he stepped into a waiting limousine near the Denver airport. Satan, witnesses say, arrived in Denver not by plane, but by "suddenly appearing" from beneath the ground. After tucking his red tail into the plush limo, Satan, a.k.a. Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, and Baphomet, said he would be paying a visit to Coors Field, "the site of one of my greatest sports pacts."

Satan said that, under the agreement he made with the foundering Rockies last summer, he would enable them to catch a fire "that would be hot as Hell itself" and make it to the World Series. But the team was only willing to trade its soul, and not that of the people of Denver -- or else they would have won the Series, according to him.

"They did not have the gonads to take that extra step," Satan said before being whisked away to an undetermined location. "But I'm still pleased. Those are 25 more souls for me."

Satan explains to reporters why he's collecting on his deal with the Colorado Rockies so soon, just before being whisked away in a limousine

Sources close to Satan say that the reason he's wanting to collect on his deal just months after making it is a simple matter of demand.

"There's a great need for more souls down there," the source said. "The demand is exceeding the Devil's supply. Or else he'd give the Rockies a bit more time."

The Rockies were baseball's darlings after rallying from near playoff extinction by winning 14 of their last 15 games, then sweeping the Philadelphia Phillies and Arizona Diamondbacks in the postseason.

The deal ended there, and the Boston Red Sox dispatched them in the World Series in a four-game sweep.

In other Satan-related news, the sources said that the Devil was close to a deal with New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas, in which Thomas would rally his team into the playoffs and keep his job for one more year. The two sides have agreed in principle, the sources say, and sometime after the All-Star break, the Knicks will catch fire -- literally and figuratively.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

We're Still In NBA, T-Wolves To Announce At Press Conference

Minneapolis, MN (Jan. 16) - The NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves have called a press conference for 3:00 this afternoon, and it's expected that it's to announce that they are still, indeed, in the league.

"Indications are, from good sources, that the Timberwolves plan to announce that they still exist," said NBA observer and analyst Tim Legler this morning.

The Timberwolves are rumored to be 5-32 this season, though their existence has been questioned.

"Has anyone actually SEEN the Timberwolves play this season?" asked TNT analyst Mike Fratello. "I know I haven't, and I don't know anyone who has. Frankly, I'm eager to see the press conference, because I find that 5-32 record to be highly questionable. No team can be that bad in today's watered down NBA.

"If they exist, as they purport, then they have some explaining to do," Fratello added.

The last known Timberwolves logo

The Timberwolves, according to hardcore NBA fans who swear it's true, are supposedly led in scoring by someone named Al Jefferson, who allegedly has a 20.2 PPG average. But again, those who claim to have seen Jefferson perform this season in an NBA game are difficult to track down.

"The last I heard of the T-Wolves was back in spring 2007, just before they traded Kevin Garnett," says an NBA executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "Show me some hard evidence of their having been in the league since then, and I'll look at it. But until then, I simply don't believe it. I'm sorry."

At the press conference, sources say, the alleged team's owners are expected to support their claims by showing game tapes from actual contests played this season. But already the source of those tapes are coming into question.

"I heard that one of the tapes has the players' names blurred out, like in an episode of 'COPS,' and that one of the Lakers players in the footage looks like Elden Campbell," a source said. Campbell played for the Lakers in the late-1990s. "So I have my doubts overt the authenticity of this supposed footage."

A woman who answered the phone yesterday at the last known number for the Timberwolves said everyone had "stepped out for a moment", but that she would take a message. When pressed as to whether the team actually existed, the woman said she didn't speak English, and hung up.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Romo Blames Distraction Of Jessica Simpson Not Being In Attendance For Playoff Loss

Irving, TX (Jan. 14) - Firing back at critics who blamed an earlier poor performance on the presence of maybe-girlfriend Jessica Simpson in the stands, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was quick to blame Sunday's 21-17 loss to the New York Giants in the NFC Divisional playoffs on Simpson's absence.

"Not having Jessica here to distract me was, ironically, a distraction," Romo said in the locker room. "All I could think about was that she wasn't here to distract me. And now you see what happened."

Then Romo added to the critics, thru reporters, "You happy now?!"

Simpson, shown here distracting Tony Romo by not being in Texas Stadium yesterday

Simpson being in the crowd has been blamed for two lackluster Romo games in the past, and she was advised by the Cowboys to stay away from Texas Stadium on Sunday. That strategy apparently backfired.

"If there's one thing more distracting than a beautiful blonde bombshell in the crowd rooting you on," Romo said, "it's NOT having a beautiful blonde bombshell in the crowd rooting you on."

Cowboys management swiftly responded to the Giants loss by mandating that, beginning next season, at least 40,000 fans in every game at Texas Stadium be blonde bombshells, strategically located throughout the stands.

When told of the plans for next season, Romo said, "Really? Cool!"

Friday, January 11, 2008

Rice Admits To Not Using Steroids, Hopes It Will Help His Hall Of Fame Case

Cooperstown, NY (Jan. 11) - Retired slugger Jim Rice showed up at the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday, armed with a detailed confession that he did not take any steroids, human growth hormone, or any banned substances during his playing career -- hoping that coming clean about his cleanliness will sway voters on next year's ballot.

Rice missed Hall inclusion by only a few percentage points this year.

Jim Rice, shown at a minor league game last summer, waves with a hand that injected nothing unusual or illegal into his body

"I'm hoping that by coming out and admitting, once and for all, that I put nothing into my body that I didn't know about will exonerate me," Rice said in the shadow of the Hall's front steps. "I am finally going to come clean, including all the non-gory details. My freedom from steroids and other substances has been a burden on me that I am finally able to remove."

Rice, who hit 382 home runs, had 1,451 RBI and a career BA of .298 in an era that spanned from 1974-89, has missed Hall election by slim margins in recent years. He's convinced that his being less-than-forthcoming about being steroid-free has contributed to voters' skittishness about his qualifications.

"I've never fully disclosed how clean I was," Rice said as he signed autographs and occasionally glanced wistfully at the Hall of Fame building. "That was obviously a mistake."

Baseball proprietor Bob Costas sympathized with Rice, but expressed pessimism about the former Red Sox player's chances to get elected.

"I think it's wonderful that Jimmy Rice is finally telling all about how he abided all laws and rules that baseball had," Costas said. "Clearly we needed confirmation of what we already believed to be true, and this (written confession) provides that." Still, Costas added, "I think some voters are put off by the fact that Rice took this long to set the already straight record straight. If he had confirmed our non-suspicions earlier, he might already be enshrined in this great Hall -- one that I hope to be inducted into someday. Maybe I could go in as some sort of keeper of the game. What do you think?," Costas said as reporters shut off their recorders.

Regarding Rice, writer Peter Gammons, who covered Rice throughout his career in Boston, said, "Jim Rice's acknowledgement of our lack of fear of how he conducted himself off the field comes too late. It's sad that he chose to ignore something that we weren't talking about all these years. I wish him well."

Rice isn't about to give up hope, though.

"Maybe this is the first step," he said. "By finally providing baseball with the real story of how I stayed clean, maybe I've creaked a few closed doors open. There's always next year."

With that, Rice trodded into the Hall, prepared to submit his14-page document that he called a "tell-all", which identifies no one as substance users, details how the clean players stayed that way and why, and gives an insider's look at his baseball law-abiding life.

"Keep me in your thoughts," Rice said.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Archie Manning Ruins Nice Dinner With Friends By Showing Home Movies Of Son Eli's Playoff Win

New Orleans, LA (Jan. 8) - Former NFL quarterback and proud father Archie Manning ruined a "perfectly nice" evening with friends when he broke out home movies of son Eli's playoff win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, sources say.

"We were enjoying a nice, quiet evening -- had just finished dessert," a dinner party-goer said under condition of anonymity. "Then he (Archie) pulls out his video camera and says, 'Look at the video I shot at the game yesterday.' "

With that, the elder Manning began showing every single snap of Eli's performance, which was his first-ever playoff victory.

"And he was making constant comments," the party-goer said, his eyes rolling. "I was like, 'Dude, we get it -- you're proud. Now let's go back to watching Family Guy.' But he was all gushing and sh*t. It was very annoying."

Manning, according to other attendees of the "smallish" gathering, plugged the video camera into the 51-inch TV in the family room, where everyone was located, and positioned himself "strategically" by the entrance way so no one could leave during the almost 60-minute long display.

"The camera angle was totally lousy, too," another source said. "He wasn't even around the 50-yard line. It was more like 20-yard line, and some of the time there was some guy's head in the way. I mean, he's Archie Manning -- couldn't he get a better seat?"

Archie Manning re-enacts one of son Eli's completions after having bored dinner guests with home movies of Sunday's Giants-Bucs playoff game

Throughout the screening, which was described by various people as "tortuous", "insufferable", and "f**king ridiculous", Manning would tell everyone why Eli's particular decision or play was a good one. If there was an incompletion, sources say, the elder Manning would rail at the offensive line, or blame the receiver.

"It was never his precious Eli's fault," an attendee said. "It was always, 'Well, you can't expect him to make a play when he's being harassed', or 'You gotta catch that ball -- this is the NFL.' I had trouble keeping down my meal."

After their ordeal, the party-goers said there was an awkward silence as Manning put away his camera.

"Some people were like, 'That was cool', but mostly we just looked at each other. Some had glassy eyes," a source said.

"One thing's for sure," the source continued, "I'm never getting sucked into another dinner party invite at HIS house again."

Manning then tried to get a game of Scattergories going, but guests were putting on their coats.