Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Bud Selig Confused, Thinks 'World Baseball Classic' New Menu Item At Wendy's

New York, NY (Mar. 4) - Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, according to sources, spent nearly ten embarrassing minutes at a midtown Manhattan Wendy's restaurant, trying to locate the "World Baseball Classic" on the menu.

"Where is it?," Selig asked testily as he scanned the lighted menu behind cashier Jennifer Dooley.

"Where's what, sir?," Dooley said, according to her recounting of the conversation to reporters.

"That....'World Baseball Classic'," Selig replied, according to Dooley.

When Dooley expressed confusion, Selig persisted, insisting that Wendy's had a new menu item named after the national pastime in a nod to the upcoming baseball season. Dooley again contradicted that notion, and Selig became hostile, asking to speak to the manager.

"I assured him that no Wendy's restaurant -- anywhere -- has such a menu item," afternoon shift manager Dennis Crowley told reporters. "He had some people with him, and they just kind of rolled their eyes at me," Crowley added, also stating that after several minutes of Wendy's personnel trying to convince Selig that the 'World Baseball Classic' was not a menu item, Selig's handlers led him away.

A source close to Selig said that MLB office personnel then whisked Selig to a private office, where he was briefed about The World Baseball Classic tournament about ready to take place.

Once the concept of the WBC tournament sank in, the source said Selig gave a big nod and said, simply, "OHHHHH."

Then, Selig added, "HUH."

Friday, February 13, 2009

Favre: I Actually Retired Last November; Couldn't You Tell?

New York, NY (Feb. 13) - Quarterback Brett Favre expressed surprise that he had to formally announce his second retirement yesterday, telling reporters that he thought everyone knew he had quit last November.

"Wasn't it obvious?," Favre said with a derisive smirk. "I mean, look at the numbers."

The New York Jets went 1-4 over their last five games in 2008, with Favre throwing more interceptions than touchdown passes.

"I retired after our 11th game last year," Favre said, shrugging and making bemused faces. "What's the big news here? OK, you want an announcement? I retire. There," he said before turning to a bystander and rolling his eyes.

Former Jets coach Eric Mangini, now with Cleveland, corraborated Favre's assertion.

"Yeah, Brett retired when he said he did," Mangini said. "He announced it in the john while we were taking a piss after practice. He said, 'Coach, I'm done.' Then he shook off and left."

Mangini said he kept starting Favre, despite his retirement, because "that's the way Brett wanted it. He didn't want a big long tour or anything. He just wanted to end like all old quarterbacks do -- with shitty numbers and a gross degradation of skills."

Favre added yesterday that his performance in the Jets' final five games, post-retirement, should have made it "obvious to everyone" that he had hung up his spikes for good.

"Geez, I thought y'all would have caught on," he said, continuing to express amazement at the stupidity and lack of observation from the media. "I can't believe I have to spell it out for you. I quit, OK? Christ!"

New Jets coach Rex Ryan said that, while he hadn't spoken to Favre yet, he's hopeful that he can talk the 39-year-old out of retirement again.

"I'd love to have Brett back," Ryan said. "It's just not the NFL without Brett Favre haphazardly throwing the football all over the Goddamned field and breaking his own team's spirit.

"I'm looking forward to gouging my own eyes out over his reckless play," Ryan added in a statement released by the team.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

MLB To Play First Annual Summer Classic At Staples Center

New York, NY (Jan. 8) - In a nod to the National Hockey League's successful Winter Classic games, played outdoors in football and baseball stadiums, Major League Baseball announced that it will hold the First Annual Summer Classic -- a game between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox at Madison Square Garden.

The game, to be played on June 29th, will be the first in an annual series of games played in various arenas and stadiums throughout the country.

The Yankees and Red Sox will each wear throwback uniforms, and MSG will be converted into a baseball stadium for the day, albeit an oddly configured one.

Because of MSG's limitations, the left field foul pole will only be 188 feet from home plate, but the right field pole will be 375 feet away. Straightaway center field will be 245 feet, and the power alleys in left and right will be 225 feet and 266 feet away, respectively. To compensate, 75-foot high walls will be constructed, extending from the left field pole to right-center field.

In addition, the game will feature balls made of a heavy, clay-like substance, and the pitcher's mound will be 40 feet from home plate, instead of the traditional 60 feet, six inches.

Also, right-handed hitters will be forbidden from pulling the ball into left field, and any ball that hits the overhead scoreboard will be considered an out.

"This is what America is all about," said commissioner Bud Selig as he announced the unprecedented event. "We would be remiss if we didn't completely reconfigure our boundaries and squeeze a baseball park into a hockey and basketball arena for our loyal fans."

The Garden will be fitted with 35 tons of infield and warning track dirt and gravel, along with 22,000 square feet of Field Turf, a transformation that Selig said would take "just a few weeks."

Because of the remodeling, MSG will only be able to seat about 9,000 fans for the game. Tickets, Selig said, would be available on the Internet the morning of the game only.

Legendary former Knicks players Willis Reed and Patrick Ewing, plus former Rangers stars Rod Gilbert and Jean Ratelle, will each throw out ceremonial first pitches.

Yankees players are looking forward to the Summer Classic already.

"I used to watch Knicks games at Madison Square Garden a lot as a kid," said newly-signed pitcher CC Sabathia. "And I used to wonder what it would be like to one day play a baseball game there as a member of the Yankees. Now my dream will come true."

"It'll be awesome," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "Playing in Yankee Stadium was an honor, but to step into the batter's box near the very same spot where Ewing and Reed used to put up their jump shots -- well, that's pretty amazing."

Selig also said that at the seventh inning stretch, the Knicks' dancing team will perform, some tumblers will do some things involving mini-trampolines, and that both teams will have a morning "bat around" the day of the game.