Bud Selig Confused, Thinks 'World Baseball Classic' New Menu Item At Wendy's

New York, NY (Mar. 4) - Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, according to sources, spent nearly ten embarrassing minutes at a midtown Manhattan Wendy's restaurant, trying to locate the "World Baseball Classic" on the menu.

"Where is it?," Selig asked testily as he scanned the lighted menu behind cashier Jennifer Dooley.

"Where's what, sir?," Dooley said, according to her recounting of the conversation to reporters.

"That....'World Baseball Classic'," Selig replied, according to Dooley.

When Dooley expressed confusion, Selig persisted, insisting that Wendy's had a new menu item named after the national pastime in a nod to the upcoming baseball season. Dooley again contradicted that notion, and Selig became hostile, asking to speak to the manager.

"I assured him that no Wendy's restaurant -- anywhere -- has such a menu item," afternoon shift manager Dennis Crowley told reporters. "He had some people with him, and they just kind of rolled their eyes at me," Crowley added, also stating that after several minutes of Wendy's personnel trying to convince Selig that the 'World Baseball Classic' was not a menu item, Selig's handlers led him away.

A source close to Selig said that MLB office personnel then whisked Selig to a private office, where he was briefed about The World Baseball Classic tournament about ready to take place.

Once the concept of the WBC tournament sank in, the source said Selig gave a big nod and said, simply, "OHHHHH."

Then, Selig added, "HUH."

MLB To Play First Annual Summer Classic At Staples Center

New York, NY (Jan. 8) - In a nod to the National Hockey League's successful Winter Classic games, played outdoors in football and baseball stadiums, Major League Baseball announced that it will hold the First Annual Summer Classic -- a game between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox at Madison Square Garden.

The game, to be played on June 29th, will be the first in an annual series of games played in various arenas and stadiums throughout the country.

The Yankees and Red Sox will each wear throwback uniforms, and MSG will be converted into a baseball stadium for the day, albeit an oddly configured one.

Because of MSG's limitations, the left field foul pole will only be 188 feet from home plate, but the right field pole will be 375 feet away. Straightaway center field will be 245 feet, and the power alleys in left and right will be 225 feet and 266 feet away, respectively. To compensate, 75-foot high walls will be constructed, extending from the left field pole to right-center field.

In addition, the game will feature balls made of a heavy, clay-like substance, and the pitcher's mound will be 40 feet from home plate, instead of the traditional 60 feet, six inches.

Also, right-handed hitters will be forbidden from pulling the ball into left field, and any ball that hits the overhead scoreboard will be considered an out.

"This is what America is all about," said commissioner Bud Selig as he announced the unprecedented event. "We would be remiss if we didn't completely reconfigure our boundaries and squeeze a baseball park into a hockey and basketball arena for our loyal fans."

The Garden will be fitted with 35 tons of infield and warning track dirt and gravel, along with 22,000 square feet of Field Turf, a transformation that Selig said would take "just a few weeks."

Because of the remodeling, MSG will only be able to seat about 9,000 fans for the game. Tickets, Selig said, would be available on the Internet the morning of the game only.

Legendary former Knicks players Willis Reed and Patrick Ewing, plus former Rangers stars Rod Gilbert and Jean Ratelle, will each throw out ceremonial first pitches.

Yankees players are looking forward to the Summer Classic already.

"I used to watch Knicks games at Madison Square Garden a lot as a kid," said newly-signed pitcher CC Sabathia. "And I used to wonder what it would be like to one day play a baseball game there as a member of the Yankees. Now my dream will come true."

"It'll be awesome," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "Playing in Yankee Stadium was an honor, but to step into the batter's box near the very same spot where Ewing and Reed used to put up their jump shots -- well, that's pretty amazing."

Selig also said that at the seventh inning stretch, the Knicks' dancing team will perform, some tumblers will do some things involving mini-trampolines, and that both teams will have a morning "bat around" the day of the game.

Red Sox Hire Stephen King To Write Rest Of ALCS

Boston, MA. (Oct. 14) - Frustrated with their inability to shoo away the Tampa Bay Rays in the American League Championship Series, the Boston Red Sox have struck a deal with horror story author and longtime Red Sox fan Stephen King to pen the remainder of the best-of-seven series.

The series, which the Rays now lead, 2-1, thanks to a 9-1 win in Game 3 in Boston, will now head for a bone-chilling, gripping climax that "only Stephen King can provide," according to Red Sox spokesman Matt Stewart.

"It's going to be something you'll never forget," Stewart said this morning at team headquarters. "There'll be internal struggles set as a backdrop to some pretty freaking scary plot devices," Stewart said, referring to King's script, which is "in process."

The best-selling author got the hurry-up call in the sixth inning of Game 3, instructed by Red Sox owner John Henry to "whip something up" in time for tonight's Game 4. Sources close to King said that the writer was up all night working on the treatment for the script of the rest of the series.


Red Sox fan and horror writer Stephen King does some research for his new ALCS project, set to debut tonight on Fox Sports


Insiders indicated that Rays outfielder B.J. Upton and rookie third baseman Evan Longoria will make a bad turn and wander into a dark, desolate part of the Tampa Bay clubhouse, where they will meet a "grisly yet ironic demise." The sources also told reporters to look for a crazed, deranged Red Sox fan who "will stop at nothing to further his agenda", as well as a subplot featuring Red Sox slugger David Ortiz's relationship with a female friend "careening out of control." Several different players, wives, girlfriends, and team officials will all have their lives intersect during the climactic Game 7 -- a game in which spectators will not be allowed admittance after the fourth inning.

King has told insiders that his vision for the rest of the series includes some of the games being played in thunderstorms and in the woods.

"This will be the Red Sox's best ALCS ever," Stewart crowed of King's involvement in the outcome.

Any Ray player or official, or umpire, who tries to interfere with King's version of the rest of the series will be captured and confined to a bed by Kathy Bates, Stewart said.

King's vehicle, titled Stephen King's ALCS: No Rays Of Light, will open at 8:07 p.m. tonight on Fox Sports.

Cubs Panicked That They Might Reach World Series

Chicago, IL (Sept. 30) - Owners of the best record in the National League, and therefore considered the favorites to win the league pennant, the Chicago Cubs are "panicked" that they might actually reach the World Series for the first time in 63 years.

"The Cubs have always been able to look around lately, when they've made the playoffs, and see a far superior opponent within the National League," said ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips. "So, it's never really been a question as to whether they'd make the World Series, because there was always a team much better than them in the post-season."

But now, Phillips says, the Cubs are faced with a cold reality.

"I'm hesitant to say this, but the Cubs are the odds-on favorites to make it through the NLDS and NLCS and represent the league in the Fall Classic," Phillips, a former GM of the New York Mets, added.

That prospect, according to sources close to the ballclub, has the Cubs "panicked" and "reeling."

"Look, they've always been the adorable Cubs -- the team who never has a shot, even when they make the playoffs," said a baseball insider who requested anonymity because he's afraid no one would know who he was anyway. "And that was a comfort level for them. Now you have the prospect of the Cubs actually being in the World Series, and for many in that organization, that's simply too terrifying to comprehend."

The Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908 -- 100 years exactly.

"There's a lot of pressure," said Phillips, "to keep that streak alive. There are millions of Cubs fans all over the United States who revel in the fact that their team is the nation's 'Lovable Losers.' Well, how can they be that anymore, if they even qualify for the World Series."

And if they win it?

"Christ almighty," Phillips said.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella assured his team around the All-Star break "not to worry", and that he was "pretty sure" some other team would get hot and supplant the Cubs as post-season favorites in the NL, the source said.

"But then everyone else gets dysfunctional and you have that G**damn West division, who can't get a champion with 85 wins to save its soul, and those f***ing Mets, who collapse like a house of cards every September...," a Cubs front office employee was overheard telling Piniella the other day.

"Great job, Lou! NOW what?," the employee told Piniella in a sarcastic tone.

As a result of their new front runner status, the Cubs hierarchy is set to huddle today to figure out "a way out of this mess," according to the source.

Some proposed suggestions include firing Piniella and replacing him with Cindy, the bartender at the Hangge Uppe on Rush Street; letting the Cubs' opponents supply their own pitcher when they bat; and simply not showing up for any of the games -- among other ideas.

Regardless, the Cubs are "kicking themselves" for getting into this mess, the source said.

"It just wasn't supposed to turn out this way -- not with Joe Torre in the league now," the source said, referring to the Dodgers manager who came over from the Yankees. "The Cubs were supposed to be playoff fodder."

The source added that "heads will roll" within the Cubs organization following this "unacceptable debacle."

Jeter: New York Yankees Looking Forward To Nice, Quiet October At Home With The Family

New York, NY (Sept. 16) - The New York Yankees, tired and homesick after 13 consecutive years in Major League Baseball's playoffs, are looking forward to a "nice, quiet" October at home with the family, according to captain Derek Jeter.

"The pursuit of another World Series championship has just gotten to be too much work," the star shortstop told reporters gathered around the batting cage before yesterday's game. "I tell you, it'll be nice to cozy up by the fire, make some hot cocoa, and watch the playoffs on television. Yes sir."

Jeter said the years and years of October baseball has "taken a toll."

"There are things in life more important, you know? Sometimes you need to put things into perspective. Just today I was reading about a family whose wireless Internet hookup died, paralyzing them. No YouTube, no IM'ing for them. That's when I thought, 'Here I am, worried about making the damn playoffs, when those folks are wondering how backlogged their e-mail IN boxes are getting.

"Shame on me," Jeter said.


Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter smiles as he talks about "vegging out" with a box of Oreo cookies and watching the playoffs on TV this October


Jeter added that the Yankees decided, in early July, to just "get away from baseball" for awhile, in effect conceding the division championship and wild card spot.

"I'd say just before the All-Star break, we all kind of looked at each other in the clubhouse and said, with our eyes, 'Do we REALLY want to do this again?' It was kind of a cool moment. No words were said. Then we hugged, and everyone got real emotional," Jeter said, adding that after the hugs, the players gathered on the floor, "Indian style", and shared with each other the things they could accomplish, given a baseball-free October.

"It was very heartwarming, to hear things like how Bobby Abreu wants to finally get at that loose cupboard handle in the kitchen, and how Mariano Rivera has longed to go to Oktoberfest in Germany," Jeter said. "Now, we can -- thanks to our resolve and focus to not qualify for the playoffs, at any cost."

Jeter added that he's "looking forward" to the team's mathematical elimination, which is only days away.

"It'll be like a huge weight off our shoulders," he said. "Then we can actually say, 'We did it. We kicked the playoff habit.'"

Yankees acting managing partner Hank Steinbrenner was unavailable for comment regarding Jeter's words, but was reportedly seen chewing on a table leg in his office.

Sacrifice Bunt Hailed As Another Example Of LaRussa's "Genius"

St. Louis, MO. (Sept. 11) - Although it had no bearing on the outcome of the game, and therefore did not prevent the Chicago Cubs from defeating the St. Louis Cardinals, a sacrifice bunt called for by Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa Wednesday night was roundly hailed as the latest example of the longtime skipper's "genius."

"Just when you think you've got the hang of this managing thing, Tony does something like that to remind you why he's Tony LaRussa and you're not," Cubs manager Lou Piniella, himself a veteran manager but not as smart as LaRussa, said in the aftermath of the game, won by the Cubs, 4-3.

The brilliant move came in the bottom of the eighth inning with the Cardinals trailing, 4-1. Sensing his team's offensive sluggishness, LaRussa called for what some baseball observers have described in various terms as a move that was "bold," "daring", and "damn-the-torpedoes" when he signaled for a bunt to be laid down by pinch-hitter Brian Barden.

Runners were on first and second with one out when LaRussa, through a series of hand gestures that the observers said were "dizzying yet precise", signaled for Barden, a 27-year-old just called up from the minors, to execute the bunt.

"I didn't think the bunt was coming because there was already one out," Piniella said afterward, simultaneously admitting his lack of baseball intellect when compared to LaRussa's. "Because even if it was successful, there'd be two outs and they (the Cardinals) hadn't done well in two-out situations all night," Piniella added, further illustrating his stupidity when his mind is up against LaRussa, who has infinite baseball brain power.

Barden squared to bunt as the Busch Stadium crowd gasped. The first pitch from Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly was high and outside. Undaunted, LaRussa again went through a series of gestures, adding such wrinkles as gently tugging his left earlobe, brushing his fingers across his chest, and tapping his nose intermittently.

"That stuff had me reeling," Piniella said of the gestures and non-verbal signals. "I look at Tony and he's doing all this stuff," Piniella said as he tried, futilely, to mimic the gestures to reporters, "and I'm thinking, something bad is about to happen to us, and by extension, to me personally."

The second pitch from Lilly, who appeared slightly rattled, was delivered. Barden again squared to bunt, but then, at the last moment, pulled his bat back even though the pitch was a perfect strike.

"I almost threw up," Piniella said of LaRussa's apparent strategy of having Barden alternately showing bunt and reneging.

Finally, on Lilly's third pitch, which was simply lobbed to the plate because the left-hander was too discombobulated to throw anything else, Barden laid down the bunt, which was described by witnesses as being "good."

Cubs catcher Geovany Soto was able to shake himself from his stupor -- an act that Piniella called "courageous beyond belief" -- and leapt from his catcher's crouch. Soto then pounced on the dribbling baseball, picked it up, and threw to first baseman Derrek Lee, who some say had a "stunned, faraway look" in his eyes, but who was still able to catch the throw from Soto.


The incredibly smart LaRussa weighs the effects of his thinking, moments before terrorizing the Cubs with a sacrifice bunt in the 8th inning of Wednesday's game



The bunt, successful, put runners on second and third with two outs.

"If this was football or basketball, I'd have called a timeout," Piniella said. "You know, to gather ourselves and to make sure we didn't lose our composure."

Instead, Piniella wanted to at least go to the mound to talk to Lilly and his infielders, but found himself "anchored to the bench with fear."

"I simply could not move. I was truly helpless at that point," Piniella said, his voice wavering, clearly not soothed by his team's eventual victory.

Lilly managed to gather himself to face the next batter, Cesar Izturis, and despite his "heart pounding out of his chest", according to Lilly, the pitcher retired Izturis with a flyball to center field.

"My legs were like spaghetti when that inning was over with," Piniella said, a shaky hand reaching for a post-game cup of water. "I'm sorry," he added, excusing himself from his office, leaving reporters to their own devices.

LaRussa, according to team spokesman Louis Harrison, had no comment about the bunt.

"Tony doesn't talk about why he does things, mainly because none of you would understand anyway," Harrison said. "You're all dumb. Baseball dumb."

Too intimidated mentally to argue, the group of reporters all nodded knowingly. One was heard saying, "That's why LaRussa's a genius and we're the idiots writing about him."

Nationals, Padres To Split Upcoming Three Game Series In Half

Washington, D.C. (Sept. 9) - The last-place Washington Nationals and the equally-as-last-place San Diego Padres have decided to not play their upcoming three-game series in Washington, agreeing instead to award each other 1-1/2 victories in the standings.

"If you can think of one good reason why this series should be played, I'm all ears," said Nationals General Manager Jim Bowden yesterday as he spoke to reporters in the team parking lot, between mouthfuls of a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese. When that statement was met with silence, Bowden raised his eyebrows and said, "What? Cat got your tongue?"

Sources close to the negotiations said that Nationals and Padres executives held a "two or three minute" conference call Monday and "pretty much decided right away" to take the weekend of September 19-21 off, when the Padres are scheduled to visit the Nationals.

The execs cited several reasons for the cancellations, including "the games don't mean s***"; "who really cares?"; and "we've all got tons to do around the house, with school just starting". Bowden himself, it was reported, expressed a desire to "take in some football" and "not feel guilty about it," as he would if his team was playing that weekend.

Nationals star Ryan Zimmerman, when reached in the same parking lot moments after Bowden drove off, seemed willing to go along with the decision.

"I don't know much about it. I hear we're going to be assigned some stats, so I might hit a home run or two while I'm golfing," Zimmerman said with a chuckle, referring to the plan to "play" the three-game set using the electronic video game "MLB 2008" and putting it into "auto mode."

In the standings, each team will receive 1-1/2 victories. That part of the plan needs MLB approval, though.

"We in the MLB offices really couldn't care less if the Nationals and the Padres play," said spokesman Jeff Treadwell. "But the one-and-a-half wins each thing, we have to think about. Won't that look obvious, and kinda stupid?"

The Nationals and Padres each sport 56-88 records and are deeply burrowed in last place in their respective divisions.

As for the fans who hold tickets for the games, Bowden said, "They will be reimbursed for their costs." Sources say the reimbursement will likely come in the form of Nationals souvenirs and coupons to local retail outlets, and that efforts to reach out to those who hold tickets will begin "soon." When asked how many fans will be affected by the cancellations, the source said, "Gosh...hundreds."

Amidst Tampa Bay Rays' Turnaround, Pittsburgh Pirates To Change Name To "Rates"

Pittsburgh, PA. (Sept. 4) - Buoyed by the success of the Tampa Bay Rays following their name change, the Pittsburgh Pirates announced that, next season, the team will be known as the Rates.

The Rays, who had been known as the Devil Rays since their debut in 1998, dropped the "Devil" portion of their name and changed uniforms. The team is now enjoying its first winning season ever, and is destined to make the playoffs.

"As steeped in tradition as the Pirates franchise is, that does not mean that we are not willing to change with the times," Pirates spokesman Kenneth Franklin said in announcing the change. Franklin added that the team's colors would change from the age-old black and gold to a more "modern" combination of Sky Blue, black, and Sea Foam.

"We're pleased to announce that, beginning with the 2009 season, the Major League Baseball team in Pittsburgh will be known as the Pittsburgh Rates," Franklin said, reading a prepared statement at a press conference in the lobby of the team office. "We are dropping 'Pi' from our name, in keeping with the 21st century baseball fan's desire for sleeker, more streamlined nicknames."

The Pirates have not qualified for the playoffs since 1992, and have not had a winning season since '92, either. They hope to reverse those trends with the new name.

Franklin said the name wouldn't be pronounced with a long "a", is in "prime rates", but would be in keeping with the second syllable of "Pirates", thus meaning the new name will be pronounced "Rets," with a short "e".

"Rhyming with 'bets'," Franklin explained.

The team's logo will also change, as the franchise will part ways with the familiar Pirate, or Buccaneer, and change to something that is "to be announced."

"First, we need to determine exactly what a 'Rate' is, and how it should be portrayed," Franklin said.

He said the team will hold a contest, soliciting fans' visions of what a Rate is.

Early rumors indicated that the decision on a new logo has already been made, negating the need for a contest. Sources say the contenders are: an image of Gone With the Wind hero Rhett Butler; a rat; dollar signs; Willie Stargell; and a python.

Local Man Rooting For Yankees To Make Playoffs Just So He Can See Them Lose In Them

Findlay, OH. (Aug. 28) - Baseball fan and Findlay resident Matt Garces, according to friends and family, desperately wants the New York Yankees to qualify for the playoffs, hoping beyond hope that the storied franchise can make up a seven-game deficit in the season's final weeks.

The reason? So Garces can see the Yankees "go down" in the post-season.

"The Yankees haven't missed the playoffs since 1994," Garces told his brother, Mark, the other day at dinner. "They haven't won the World Series since 2000. I love it when the Yankees make the playoffs and lose. It rocks," Mark Garces told reporters of his 24-year-old brother's remarks.

Mark Garces, 22, said that Matt's sentiments are that "it's just not the playoffs without the Yankees in it, under-achieving and being upset by a weaker opponent." Mark said his brother reveled in last season's charge, in which the Yankees played superbly after the All-Star break and made the playoffs as the American League Wild Card. Then, to Matt's delight, the Yankees were eliminated by the Cleveland Indians in the Divisional Series, 3-1. The year before that, Matt threw a party after the Detroit Tigers beat the Yankees, 3-1, in the ALDS.

"He just hates the Yankees so much," Mark said. "It goes back to when he was a kid and we went to an Indians game, and the Yankees won in extra innings. That, plus, well, who DOESN'T hate the Yankees, outside of New York?"


Matt Garces, shown during his 2006 party after the Yankees lost to the Tigers in the playoffs


Mark Garces says that his brother is in "scoreboard watching mode", tracking the Boston Red Sox -- who lead the Yankees for the Wild Card spot -- and going through all sorts of rituals, hoping the Red Sox will lose and the Yankees can overtake them.

"He was up all night yesterday, crafting a crude Mike Lowell voodoo doll," Matt's father Richard confirmed. "He now has voodoo dolls of almost all the Red Sox starting position players. In September he'll work on the pitching staff."

Richard Garces says that Matt holds no ill will against the Red Sox.

"It's not an anti-Boston thing, just a pro-Yankee thing -- until the playoffs," Matt's father said.

Mark said that his brother has gotten "accustomed" to seeing the Yankees fail in the playoffs and/or World Series, and considers the team's fall failures of recent years "comfy and cozy."

"Matt says that it just won't be fall without the Yankees crushing their fans' hopes in the playoffs," Mark said. "That, and he hates Rudy Giuliani."

"That's another story," Richard Garces said of the Giuliani thing, rolling his eyes. "You don't want to hear it."

Yankees, Red Sox To Merge, Form "Mega Team"

New York, NY. (Aug 6) - Realizing that their nearly century-long rivalry has become counter-productive, MLB's New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox announced that they will merge by the end of 2008 and become a more fan-friendly "mega team".

"It's time to bring out the peace pipe," said Red Sox owner John Henry, flanked at a press conference in front of MLB offices in Manhattan by Yankees vice chairman Hank Steinbrenner. "After many long, hard years -- indeed, decades -- of trying to best each other, we felt that our forces are much more powerful and intimidating when joined," Henry added.

"So it is with great pleasure that I announce to you the formation of the New York/Boston Yankee Sox," Henry said as a crowd of pre-selected well-wishers applauded and cheered.

Steinbrenner echoed Henry's sentiments.

"Why get at each other's throats when we can just slice those of our competitors?," Steinbrenner wondered aloud.

Under the merger, the Yankee Sox will play half their home games at Fenway Park in Boston, and half at the new Citi Park in New York, which is set to open in 2009. They'll combine rosters, coaches, and even ushers.

"It's an amicable joining -- 50/50, right down the line," Henry said. Current Yankees manager Joe Girardi will skipper games played in New York, while Red Sox manager Terry Francona will take the reins in Boston games. Current star players like Alex Rodriguez, David Ortiz, and Derek Jeter "will just have to come up with some sort of schedule" as far as who plays which games at which positions, Henry said. But Henry conceded that the merged roster will be "a joy" for Girardi and Francona to manage.

"Now, Joe or Terry can rest Jason Varitek at catcher and play Pudge Rodriguez," Steinbrenner said. "Or remove Mike Lowell for a pinch-hitter, which could be Jason Giambi.

"The possibilities are endless."

Henry said the idea for joining forces came out of an innocent phone call he placed to Steinbrenner after a recent Yankees-Red Sox game.

"I had had a few, I admit," Henry said, chuckling. "But I just said to Hank, 'Even I'm sick of the Red Sox and the Yankees. Why don't we shake things up a bit?' It just took off from there."

Steinbrenner, himself admitting to having had "3 or 4" gin and tonics by that time, suggested a merger.

"I don't know if he was serious or not, but I said, 'F**k yeah -- why not?', " according to Henry.

The next day, the two men met at a Starbucks "about halfway" between New York and Boston, and scribbled the preliminary plan on a "small, college ruled notebook" that Henry had brought, "just in case."

Henry shared the scribbled notes with reporters, holding it up then passing it around. On it were randomly scrawled words such as "Red Yankees?"; "Bosyork?"; "New Boston?"; "red pinstripes?"; and "TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION", which was written in bigger letters and followed by several exclamation points.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement that read, in part: "Major League Baseball, while saddened that the famed Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is now a thing of the past, is nonetheless eager to see this new 'mega team' formed by this merger. Mergers are becoming more of the norm in today's society, and we urge baseball fans to embrace this new partnership. If nothing else, it'll make it easier for those fans who hate both the Yankees and the Red Sox -- since now they'll only have to spend their energy hating one team."

Selig's office admitted, however, that the merger might have a short-term affect on television ratings, as there will no longer be anymore Yankees-Red Sox games to televise. However, there is early talk of airing great Yankees-Red Sox games of the past.

Also announced was a combining of the two storied franchises' histories -- with re-worked tales of Babe Ruth and Ted Williams fishing together in the mid-1940s being "worked on" currently. Future stories will include hilarious, wild antics of Billy Martin, Mickey Mantle, Bobby Doerr, and Johnny Pesky carousing together in alcoholic stupors.

To bring the American League back up to 14 teams, MLB announced that the Tampa Bay Rays would be broken up into two teams -- the Tampa Devils and the Bay Rays. That suggestion was also made by Henry and Steinbrenner, the news of which didn't surprise baseball analysts. At press time, Henry was trying to make that change effective as soon as next week, or at least before the end of the regular season.

MLB Player Wishes Team Would "Just Trade Me and Get it Over With Already"

Cleveland, OH (July 28) - Cleveland Indians infielder Jhonny Peralta so believes that he is the next to be traded by the team that he has taken to wandering around the clubhouse before every game, pacing and muttering that he wishes the team would "just do it already."

"Jhonny truly believes he is next," affirmed teammate Grady Sizemore. "He thought he was next before they traded Casey (Blake), but now he's convinced."

The Indians traded Blake to the Dodgers over the weekend.

Teammates have tried to allay his fears, but Peralta cannot be soothed. Even manager Eric Wedge tried to calm him, but to no avail.

"I told him that we have absolutely no thoughts of trading him," Wedge told reporters during batting practice yesterday, as Peralta criss-crossed the field, asking teammates, and reporters, if they've heard anything new. "But he won't have any of it. He just tells me, 'You're just saying that.'"

Peralta has taken to sneaking a peek at General Manager Mark Shapiro's blackberry whenever he can, and has been caught trying to open company e-mail on employees' laptops, all with the belief that every e-mail, every text message, contains details of a trade involving him.

"God just do it!," Sizemore said Peralta screamed in the showers after Saturday night's game. Sizemore added that Peralta then yelled, "I can't TAKE it anymore!"

The non-waiver trading deadline is Thursday afternoon.

Teammates and club officials aren't certain just how Peralta got it into his head that he is on the trading block.

"I didn't say anything -- I don't THINK," said traveling secretary Mike Hodges. "God...I...maybe it was when I made that joke a week or so ago about cleaning house here. I'm so sorry that Jhonny took it this far. It was just a joke!"

Others tried to offer theories, ranging from "he's just paranoid" to "that damned Internet" to "he must have gotten it from Satch", referring to longtime equipment manager Satch Sanders, 77.

"Everyone knows that Satch is like the Associated Press around here," said a club employee who requested anonymity. "Maybe the old coot said something and Jhonny took it the wrong way."

Regardless, Peralta has taken to not speaking to the media anymore, until, he says, "the trade freaking happens."

"Then I'll have plenty to say," he said on Saturday.

An Internet poll on the team's website says that if Peralta is on the trading block, it's "because he spells his first name like an idiot."

Struggling Konerko To Start Swinging When Chatter Instructs Him To Do So

Chicago, IL. (Jun 30) - Chicago White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko, struggling all season to keep his batting average above .200, announced that he's trying a new tactic.

"Whenever I'm told to swing, I'll swing," Konerko told reporters gathered around the batting cage prior to yesterday's interleague game against the crosstown Cubs. "That includes infielders who are making some chatter, and any fans who I can pick up chanting in the stands."

Konerko referred specifically to the age-old mantra of "Hey batter, batter, batter, batter -- SWING!" and said that he's willing to take that advice now.

"I've tried just about everything else," said the 32-year-old Konerko, currently batting .215 and set to return from the disabled list this week. "I've tried hypnotism, smearing hot peppers on my socks, and kissing a photo of Jessica Alba," Konerko said. "All without any real success.

"What's the worst that could happen"," he reasoned.

Konerko said he got the idea from watching a rerun of the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which includes a scene with Ferris's friend Cameron shouting the mantra at a Cubs game.

"Then it hit me: does anyone ever really swing when that's said?," Konerko asked reporters. "When I was in Little League, no one ever did. I think it's about time someone did. And that someone is going to be me."

Konerko then took batting practice, but not before rubbing teammate AJ Pierzynski's head and licking his ear, explaining the odd behavior as another way of breaking out of his slump -- something that Pierzynski said was news to him.

No One In Yankees Organization Has Heart To Tell George Steinbrenner That Tampa Bay Rays Have Better Record

New York, NY. (Jun 23) - New York Yankees principal owner George Steinbrenner, in seclusion due to poor health, has been mercifully withheld from the news that the Tampa Bay Rays have a better record and are in second place behind the Boston Red Sox.

"We just don't see the point" in bothering Steinbrenner, 77, with the troubling scenario, said Mary Steinbrenner, one of George's nieces. "It would only...make things worse."

The elder Steinbrenner has left the day-to-day running of the team mostly to son Hank.

The Rays are currently 44-31, 1 1/2 games behind the Red Sox. The Yankees are 41-35, five games out. And three-and-a-half games behind the usually poor Rays -- which is unheard of in late June.

Aides to the patriarch Steinbrenner say that he is shown sports pages from the early-2000s, and is told that the team has reacquired such former stars as Paul O'Neill, Bernie Williams, and Tino Martinez -- or that they've been coaxed out of retirement.

"Sometimes we just run videotaped highlights from 2001," Mary Steinbrenner said, "and tell my uncle that they're from last night or something."

But the biggest secret the family and aides are keeping from the elder Steinbrenner is the fact that usually terrible Tampa Bay has risen to second place, ahead of the history-rich Yankees.

"That would be the killer blow," one aide said. "It might just shove the old coot over the edge," he added on condition of anonymity.

The move to shield Steinbrenner from the Tampa Bay news had old-timers recalling other similar moments, like the Kennedy family withholding news of John's death from father Joe in 1963, and elderly Vancouver Canucks owner Seymour Knox not being shown the team's new gold and black and brown uniforms in 1979.

Longtime Stalker Of Minor League Players Losing Hope That He'll Get Called Up To "The Show"

Portland, OR. (Jun 17) - For veteran baseball player stalker Vernon Harrison, time is running out -- on his dream, on his goals.

"It's not easy to see everything you've hoped to attain crumble away," he says with a sigh.

Harrison, 57, has been stalking ballplayers since the early-1980s, but has never risen above stalking players at the AAA level. And he fears he may never get that opportunity.

"You beat around the bushes for as long as I have, and you see others move to the next level, it's hard NOT to think, 'That should be me,' " Harrison says as he focuses his powerful binoculars on Portland Beavers center fielder Les Gorensen during the sixth inning of a recent game. The observing of Gorensen, and the subsequent moving down to a closer seat when he takes his position in the on deck circle so a "decent" photo of the player can be snapped, is all prelude to the following home of Gorensen after the game, which will be accompanied by the placement of a twisted wreath of baseball memorabilia and obsessive rants on Gorensen's doorstep.

But Harrison feels "tapped out" when it comes to stalking minor league players.


Veteran baseball player stalker Vernon Harrison


"I'd love to send chilling notes to Ryan Howard or Chipper Jones thru an unsuspecting clubhouse attendant," Harrison says of his aspirations to stalk big league players. "But I might have to accept the fact that it's just not in the cards.

"It's mainly who you know, not WHAT you know," a bitter Harrison added.

According to the latest research, stalkers of athletes is at an all-time high, and that means the pie gets cut into that many more slices. Which means veterans like Harrison get edged out by younger, "luckier" stalkers.

"The dudes who could be my son -- those are the ones they like now," Harrison said, referring to the ASS -- Athletes Stalkers Society -- which determines which minor league stalkers will be granted home addresses, phone numbers, and contacts of big league personnel who can be compromised in order to better stalk prey. Harrison is a cautionary tale -- the one of the has-been stalker who never got the call-up -- and there are others like him.

"Vernon Harrison's story is, unfortunately, not an isolated one," said ASS director Charles Palmer. "It's all about timing. And, frankly, time is running out on the Vernon Harrisons of the world. It's a shame, because Vernon really is a good stalker. He did quite a number last year on Perry Simmons of the Southern League's Montgomery Bears -- even drawing a restraining order in the process, and getting physically removed from the players-only parking lot on one occasion. But he's 57. All the MLB stalking jobs are going to men half his age.

"It's a shame, but it's the harsh reality," Palmer added.

Harrison, though, isn't going to just "mail it in" while he continues to work the minor league circuit.

"Look," he says, displaying Gorensen's girlfriend's photo. "She's gonna get a dead rat in the mail.

"I'm still giving it 100%. Maybe that call will come, after all."

Randolph: Take This Job & Shove It -- MAYBE

New York, NY (Jun 16) - Embattled New York Mets manager Willie Randolph stormed into the office of General Manager Oscar Minaya yesterday and told his boss what he could do with his job -- only to rescind moments later.

"I won't be left twisting in the wind anymore!" Randolph yelled to Minaya, according to sources who put their ears against the door. Then, moments later, Randolph added, "I mean, unless that's for the good of the team."

Then, seconds after that, Randolph flip-flopped again.

"You wanna fire me? FIRE ME! I don't give a s***!"

But then he quickly added, "I mean, I GIVE a s***, I just don't...I'm tired of...look, just...how about if I just go now?"


A visibly confused Mets manager Willie Randolph, shown minutes after his almost-tirade in GM Oscar Minaya's office


Randolph then emerged from Minaya's office as the sources yanked themselves away from the door abruptly and pretended to engage in other Mets business.

Randolph's future with the Mets has been in question all season as the team has languished below .500, after being predicted to be a World Series contender. Speculation over Randolph's job status is beginning to take its toll, as yesterday's combination outburst/about face indicates.

"This situation has gone on long enough," Randolph told reporters gathered outside Minaya's office. "I can't manage this way. I mean, I probably CAN manage this way if the situation DOESN'T change, but I'd rather it change, because I'd prefer NOT to manage this way.

"You know, if circumstances warrant that. I guess what I'm saying is, all things being equal, I'd PREFER not to manage this way," Randolph added to his meandering comments.

Minaya utilized his office's trap door to slide down an underground tunnel, which carries him directly into the driver's seat of his car at speeds of over 25 mph. He was thus unavailable for comment, as the trap door had just swung shut when reporters entered his office.

Cubs Fans: No, Really -- What Have You Done With Our Team?

Chicago, IL. (Jun. 9) - Long-suffering fans of the Chicago Cubs have indicated that they're tired of this little practical joke that's being played out and would like to know -- SERIOUSLY -- what has happened to their team.

"OK, it was cute for awhile, but this has gone on long enough," said fan Jeremy Spachtel, 36, of Evanston, Ill. yesterday. Spachtel spoke tiredly of the 2008 Cubs and their NL-leading record of 40-24. "It's like, we get it -- ha-ha, wouldn't it be funny if the Cubs led the league -- but enough, already! Let's just bring our real team back and get back to normal."

Spachtel is just one of a growing number of Cubs faithful who are weary of the season-long joke being played on them and their emotions.


Cubs fans want a return to normalcy as soon as possible, as depicted here


"This is getting really repetitive and monotonous, all this winning," said Richard Gruber, a Cubs fan since "the Ernie Banks days" who's been waiting for the revelation of the joke's source and punch line since "early-May." Gruber said that he, like a lot of Cubs fans who've rooted for the team through decades of losing baseball, doesn't particularly care for the joke.

"It's like when they pretend some ugly girl is pretty and they make a big deal over how 'beautiful' she is, when it's so obvious that she isn't. I mean, after awhile doesn't that just make fun of the ugly girl? I think so. So all this winning Cubs baseball -- it's only making cruel fun of our suffering," Gruber added.

The Cubs, led by manager Lou Piniella, have combined clutch hitting, good defense, and decent pitching along with a confident attitude to leapfrog over everyone in the National League. And their supporters say enough is enough.

"Who are they kidding?" asked celebrity fan and actor Bill Murray. "I'm in the comedy business and I know that the cardinal sin of comedy is drawing a joke out too long. This is a classic example. Bring back our lovable, bumbling Cubs!" Murray said at an impromptu gathering outside Wrigley Field, flanked by fellow actors Jim Belushi and George Wendt.

Cubs spokesman Jim Gerrity said that the current edition of the team is "genuine" and that "no joke is being played out -- honest."

But Gruber isn't convinced. "Look, the fact that they came out with that statement is, in of itself, a joke. Now they're just f***ing with us."

Perhaps Spachtel said it best.

"It's just not funny anymore. Period."

Tampa Bay Rays F**king Everything Up

Tampa, FL. (May 19) - Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon held an informal press conference before yesterday's game to apologize to the baseball world -- especially the fans in Boston and New York -- for his team, in his words, "f**king everything up" in the standings.

"I really don't have any excuses," Maddon said before the Rays' game in St. Louis. "I never would have dreamed this would happen -- mostly mistake-free baseball filled with timely hitting and decent pitching. At least not for this long of a stretch, anyway."

The Rays, who've never come close to a winning season in their 11-year existence, are 25-19 and are only one game behind Boston in the AL East Division.

But Maddon's players were quick to come to their manager's defense.

"Hey, we lose as a team and we win as a team," said pitcher James Shields, who is REALLY f**king everything up with his terrific starts. "You can't point the finger at Joe. He's not the one moving runners from first to third or getting a big strikeout to end an opponent's rally. I know it's easy to blame one man rather than 25, but fair is fair. I mean, look at me. I didn't go out there in my last start trying to throw a one-hit shutout. But stuff happens, you know?"

Maddon said he "has run out of things to say" to the media about the Rays' start, which is completely turning the division and, by extension, the entire league upside down.

"Well, that's just great," said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon when told of Maddon's remarks. "He has no clue? He can't give us even a HINT of what the hell is going on down there? Terrific."

Maddon said that he would address his team before its next game.

"Obviously we need a little wake-up call," Maddon said about his team's tardiness in playing mediocre, Tampa-like baseball. "Maybe a meeting will do the trick. Tell the folks in Boston and New York to just bear with me here."

MLB To Change "Ejected" To "Coxed"

New York, NY. (May 14) - In an effort to properly recognize Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox and his status as the most-ejected manager in major league history, baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that, effective immediately, the term "being ejected" will now be referred to as "getting Coxed."

"It's the least we can do," Selig said at a press conference yesterday. "Bobby Cox is one of the biggest whiners and bitchers in baseball history, and this office feels we need to acknowledge that.

"So, effective immediately, I've asked all Major League personnel -- from umpires to broadcasters to our night watchman -- to refer to the act of a manager or player being asked to leave a game as 'getting or being Coxed'," Selig said.


Cox gets Coxed recently


Cox, who's been Coxed from nearly 150 games in his career, became emotional as he discussed the honor prior to last night's Braves game.

"It really took me by surprise," Cox said in the dugout. "I mean, to know that all of my crybaby antics and tantrums are now being etched into baseball history in this manner ...," Cox added before getting choked up.

Umpire Doug Eddings, who's Coxed Cox five times in his career, said, "It's a fine and appropriate tribute to one of the game's biggest assholes. Good for him."

Cox, in the third inning, thanked Eddings for his comments as he argued a close play at first base, before telling the arbiter to "Go f*** himself." Cox was promptly Coxed shortly thereafter.

Doctor: Carl Pavano Likely Needs To Be Destroyed

New York, NY. (May 12) - A visibly shaken team doctor for the New York Yankees says that often-injured pitcher Carl Pavano will "likely" need to be destroyed, thus ending, in tragic manner, the righthander's career.

Pavano, 32, who signed a huge free agent contract with the Yankees in 2005 after some good seasons in Florida, hasn't been completely healthy since arriving in New York, always with arm trouble of some sort. And his elbow has worsened -- apparently to the point of no return.

"I really don't see much hope," said Yankees team physician Dr. James Meadows after Pavano's latest setback, in which x-rays and an MRI revealed that Pavano's right elbow is "virtually gone" -- the only remnants being a "few small bones and half a ligament."

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"Even his 'funny bone' is gone," Dr. Meadows said with a sigh.

Meadows said his recommendation is that Pavano be "put out of our -- I mean, HIS -- misery and destroyed." Meadows cited a major league pitcher's inability to keep from using a bad elbow for the reasoning behind the recommended euthanasia.

"We really can't expect him to keep his elbow inactive for the 12-16 week period necessary for rehab," Meadows told reporters, his voice hushed and his eyes moist. "Pitchers like Carl are very prone to want to move around and use the elbow, for things like eating, putting on clothes -- things of that nature. Euthanasia is really the only alternative."

Pavano only pitched in two games in 2007 after missing all of 2006. He has been trying to get healthy enough to pitch this season, but hasn't been able to throw pain-free in nearly three years.

"We regret Dr. Meadows's conclusion, but we respect it," said acting Yankees managing partner Hank Steinbrenner. "Our condolences go to Carl's family and all those who enjoyed watching him pitch."

Steinbrenner added that Pavano will be buried beneath the infield of the team's new stadium, set to open in 2009.

Local Man Still Trying To Think Of That One Player's Name

Scottsdale, AZ. (May 9) - Local baseball fan Charles Lucas still hasn't thought of the name of that player he was referring to in a recent story he was relating to friends, according to reports.

"God, it's on the tip of my tongue!," Lucas cried in despair as he was forced to halt the telling of the anecdote in front of several friends at a birthday party last Sunday. Lucas, friends say, was in the middle of telling a story about a game he went to once as a teen between the Oakland A's and Milwaukee Brewers -- a game in which this one player (the one Lucas can't think of, dammit!) made an incredible catch, only to forget how many outs there were, allowing runs to score anyway.

"He (Lucas) was really sucking us into this story," said friend Bob Huffmeyer, who was present when Lucas launched into the anecdote, which started with Lucas saying, "That reminds me of this game I went to when I was in eighth grade." Then, anxiety struck as Lucas couldn't think of the player's name. "At first we thought he was just going to tell the story anyway, you know, finish it," Huffmeyer said. "But every time he started to continue, he'd go right back to trying to remember the player's name. It got to be very distracting."


Lucas, in a photo taken at the fateful party last Sunday, trying to think of that player's name


Eventually, according to Huffmeyer, the friends began dispersing -- leaving to refill beer cups or grab another plate of nachos. Only a couple returned, and when they saw that Lucas was still agonizing over not recalling the player's name, they too wandered off, leaving Lucas to stew.

"I felt sorry for him, but I was like, 'Dude, it's no big deal; just tell us what freaking happened'," said another friend, Lance Moore. "I was kinda pissed, to be honest. He got us all interested and then he freaks out when he can't remember the guy's name. Who cares? It's what happened that counts, isn't it?"

As of late last night, according to sources, Lucas had yet to remember the player's name, despite opting for such devices as putting it out of his mind for awhile, hoping that it would come to him "out of the blue"; going through the alphabet, hoping that a certain letter would jar his memory; and even purchasing (for $49.95) a Baseball Encyclopedia, and perusing rosters for the A's and Brewers in 1981, when Lucas was "pretty sure" the game occurred. The encyclopedia purchase has helped, sources say; Lucas is "almost positive" that the player is either Brewers OF Ben Oglivie, Gorman Thomas, or Thad Bosley. Lucas "thinks" he can eliminate Thomas because he's "got a feeling" that the player was black; Thomas is white.

Lucas says that if he can't think of the player's name by the weekend, then he will "kill myself; just absolutely kill myself. Damn, why can't I think of it?!"