tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40677796860021043082024-03-06T04:23:22.810-05:00Spoiled SportsAnyone can give you real sports news. Those sites are a dime a dozen. But where do you go for the fake stuff?
Here you'll find, just about every day, sports "news" -- if only it were true.
Spoiled Sports is now on the Net, ready to ruin your appetite for real sports news -- forever.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.comBlogger142125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-60132677280535922872009-03-04T10:23:00.002-05:002009-03-04T10:58:36.884-05:00Bud Selig Confused, Thinks 'World Baseball Classic' New Menu Item At Wendy's<strong>New York, NY (Mar. 4) - </strong>Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, according to sources, spent nearly ten embarrassing minutes at a midtown Manhattan Wendy's restaurant, trying to locate the "World Baseball Classic" on the menu.<br /><br />"Where is it?," Selig asked testily as he scanned the lighted menu behind cashier Jennifer Dooley.<br /><br />"Where's what, sir?," Dooley said, according to her recounting of the conversation to reporters.<br /><br />"That....'World Baseball Classic'," Selig replied, according to Dooley.<br /><br />When Dooley expressed confusion, Selig persisted, insisting that Wendy's had a new menu item named after the national pastime in a nod to the upcoming baseball season. Dooley again contradicted that notion, and Selig became hostile, asking to speak to the manager.<br /><br />"I assured him that no Wendy's restaurant -- anywhere -- has such a menu item," afternoon shift manager Dennis Crowley told reporters. "He had some people with him, and they just kind of rolled their eyes at me," Crowley added, also stating that after several minutes of Wendy's personnel trying to convince Selig that the 'World Baseball Classic' was not a menu item, Selig's handlers led him away.<br /><br />A source close to Selig said that MLB office personnel then whisked Selig to a private office, where he was briefed about The World Baseball Classic tournament about ready to take place.<br /><br />Once the concept of the WBC tournament sank in, the source said Selig gave a big nod and said, simply, "OHHHHH."<br /><br />Then, Selig added, "HUH."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-12493678233915800252009-02-13T11:48:00.004-05:002009-02-13T12:12:10.011-05:00Favre: I Actually Retired Last November; Couldn't You Tell?<strong>New York, NY (Feb. 13) - </strong>Quarterback Brett Favre expressed surprise that he had to formally announce his second retirement yesterday, telling reporters that he thought everyone knew he had quit last November.<br /><br />"Wasn't it obvious?," Favre said with a derisive smirk. "I mean, look at the numbers."<br /><br />The New York Jets went 1-4 over their last five games in 2008, with Favre throwing more interceptions than touchdown passes.<br /><br />"I retired after our 11th game last year," Favre said, shrugging and making bemused faces. "What's the big news here? OK, you want an announcement? I retire. There," he said before turning to a bystander and rolling his eyes.<br /><br />Former Jets coach Eric Mangini, now with Cleveland, corraborated Favre's assertion.<br /><br />"Yeah, Brett retired when he said he did," Mangini said. "He announced it in the john while we were taking a piss after practice. He said, 'Coach, I'm done.' Then he shook off and left."<br /><br />Mangini said he kept starting Favre, despite his retirement, because "that's the way Brett wanted it. He didn't want a big long tour or anything. He just wanted to end like all old quarterbacks do -- with shitty numbers and a gross degradation of skills."<br /><br />Favre added yesterday that his performance in the Jets' final five games, post-retirement, should have made it "obvious to everyone" that he had hung up his spikes for good.<br /><br />"Geez, I thought y'all would have caught on," he said, continuing to express amazement at the stupidity and lack of observation from the media. "I can't believe I have to spell it out for you. I quit, OK? Christ!"<br /><br />New Jets coach Rex Ryan said that, while he hadn't spoken to Favre yet, he's hopeful that he can talk the 39-year-old out of retirement again.<br /><br />"I'd love to have Brett back," Ryan said. "It's just not the NFL without Brett Favre haphazardly throwing the football all over the Goddamned field and breaking his own team's spirit.<br /><br />"I'm looking forward to gouging my own eyes out over his reckless play," Ryan added in a statement released by the team.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-29288180368080088732009-01-08T13:23:00.002-05:002009-01-08T14:12:57.726-05:00MLB To Play First Annual Summer Classic At Staples Center<strong>New York, NY (Jan. 8) - </strong>In a nod to the National Hockey League's successful Winter Classic games, played outdoors in football and baseball stadiums, Major League Baseball announced that it will hold the First Annual Summer Classic -- a game between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox at Madison Square Garden.<br /><br />The game, to be played on June 29th, will be the first in an annual series of games played in various arenas and stadiums throughout the country.<br /><br />The Yankees and Red Sox will each wear throwback uniforms, and MSG will be converted into a baseball stadium for the day, albeit an oddly configured one.<br /><br />Because of MSG's limitations, the left field foul pole will only be 188 feet from home plate, but the right field pole will be 375 feet away. Straightaway center field will be 245 feet, and the power alleys in left and right will be 225 feet and 266 feet away, respectively. To compensate, 75-foot high walls will be constructed, extending from the left field pole to right-center field.<br /><br />In addition, the game will feature balls made of a heavy, clay-like substance, and the pitcher's mound will be 40 feet from home plate, instead of the traditional 60 feet, six inches.<br /><br />Also, right-handed hitters will be forbidden from pulling the ball into left field, and any ball that hits the overhead scoreboard will be considered an out.<br /><br />"This is what America is all about," said commissioner Bud Selig as he announced the unprecedented event. "We would be remiss if we didn't completely reconfigure our boundaries and squeeze a baseball park into a hockey and basketball arena for our loyal fans."<br /><br />The Garden will be fitted with 35 tons of infield and warning track dirt and gravel, along with 22,000 square feet of Field Turf, a transformation that Selig said would take "just a few weeks."<br /><br />Because of the remodeling, MSG will only be able to seat about 9,000 fans for the game. Tickets, Selig said, would be available on the Internet the morning of the game only.<br /><br />Legendary former Knicks players Willis Reed and Patrick Ewing, plus former Rangers stars Rod Gilbert and Jean Ratelle, will each throw out ceremonial first pitches.<br /><br />Yankees players are looking forward to the Summer Classic already.<br /><br />"I used to watch Knicks games at Madison Square Garden a lot as a kid," said newly-signed pitcher CC Sabathia. "And I used to wonder what it would be like to one day play a baseball game there as a member of the Yankees. Now my dream will come true."<br /><br />"It'll be awesome," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "Playing in Yankee Stadium was an honor, but to step into the batter's box near the very same spot where Ewing and Reed used to put up their jump shots -- well, that's pretty amazing."<br /><br />Selig also said that at the seventh inning stretch, the Knicks' dancing team will perform, some tumblers will do some things involving mini-trampolines, and that both teams will have a morning "bat around" the day of the game.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-45275443231262675602008-12-29T18:24:00.003-05:002008-12-29T18:42:52.556-05:00NBA Player's Minutes "Just Right"; Doesn't Want Any More Or Any Fewer<strong>Detroit, MI (Dec. 29) </strong>- In a refreshing change from the whining typically engaged in by NBA players regarding the amount of minutes they play, Detroit Pistons guard Rip Hamilton says his amount of playing time is "just right" and doesn't want to play any less, or any more.<br /><br />"If it ain't broke, don't fix it," Hamilton said after practice yesterday.<br /><br />Hamilton averages 33:44, which he says couldn't be any better.<br /><br />"If I play any more than 34 minutes, I get fatigued," the energetic Hamilton said, referring to his frenetic style of running through screens and moving without the ball. "But if I play<em> less </em>than 33 minutes, I don't feel like I'm in rhythm. So everything's just right."<br /><br />Pistons coach Michael Curry said that when he took the job last July, he was informed of Hamilton's strict regimen and tiny window of optimum minutes.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.halfcourt.info/A55B25/HalfCourt.nsf/Rip_Hamilton_01.jpg" /><br /><strong>Hamilton's minutes are right where they should be, and should never change, lest the All-Star guard convulse or collapse</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><br />"Oh yes, I was quite aware of it," Curry said after being informed of Hamilton's comments yesterday. "So we hired a special 'minutes coach' who keeps track of Rip's playing time."<br /><br />The narrow margin of sixty seconds -- to ensure that Hamilton's minutes stay between 33:00 and 34:00 -- is still somewhat of a challenge, though.<br /><br />Just last week, in a tight game against Oklahoma City, Curry had to pull Hamilton from the game in the middle of a fastbreak. A couple weeks prior to that, Hamilton was inserted into a blowout win over Washington with only 3.3 seconds remaining, to push his minutes played to 33:02.<br /><br />"It's not always easy," Curry admitted, "but that's what Rip is comfortable at."<br /><br />The last time the Pistons played Hamilton for longer than 34 minutes, in early December against the Knicks (he played 34:15), Hamilton went into convulsions and had to be removed during the next stoppage of play. In New Jersey earlier this season, Hamilton played just 32:21 and collapsed in the team shower afterward.<br /><br />Curry says that he plans on playing Hamilton for 33:40 tonight against Orlando, "God willing."<br /><br />Just in case, team doctors are standing by.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-23602124020146156392008-12-22T13:16:00.003-05:002008-12-22T13:34:16.882-05:00NHL To Hold Some Sort Of Outdoor Event Thingie<strong>Chicago, IL. (Dec. 22) - </strong>Curious onlookers have been gathering in recent days near Wrigley Field as quite a lot of activity, very unusual for this time of year, has been taking place around the ballpark.<br /><br />Sources theorize that the goings-on have something to do with the National Hockey League, believe it or not.<br /><br />"I saw some trucks with 'NHL' on them," said Dennis Coleman, 36, who works as an accountant near the stadium, as he stopped for a moment to look at workers moving in and out of the ballpark, usually dormant around Christmas time. He said he was on his lunch break.<br /><br />Coleman and others who refused to be identified said that they heard the NHL was planning to "put something on" inside Wrigley.<br /><br />"If you ask me, it looks like something pretty big," one onlooker said. "All these trucks and stuff."<br /><br />Whatever it is, it clearly will be happening outside, which confused many North Side residents who passed by.<br /><br />"Who the f*** would want to be at Wrigley Field NOW?," one man said. "It's five freaking degrees out. I mean, Jesus H. Christ!"<br /><br />Rumors then quickly spread that the activity was in preparation of an outdoor NHL event, perhaps even a game.<br /><br />"You gotta be sh****** me," a local beat cop said. "A GAME? Outdoors? In December?"<br /><br />A financial planner who would only reveal his first name, Robert, went on his BlackBerry and did some quick research as he waited for the El train.<br /><br />"New Year's Day! Outdoor game! Blackhawks and Red Wings!" he shouted as he got onto the train.<br /><br />That information left the dozen or so gawkers in disbelief.<br /><br />Phone calls placed to the NHL offices in New York were met with a recorded greeting that said the league would be back "after the holidays."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-18211755452724998622008-12-12T14:22:00.002-05:002008-12-12T14:42:22.111-05:00Lions To Peyton Manning: OH NO, OH GOD....NO!!!<span style="font-weight: bold;">Indianapolis, IN. (Dec. 12) - </span>The 0-13 Detroit Lions showed up at the Indianapolis Colts' practice facility today in advance of their game here on Sunday and laid themselves at the feet of Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.<br /><br />Grabbing onto Manning's ankles, Lions head coach Rod Marinelli began screaming in anguish.<br /><br />"Peyton, NOOOO! OH GOD, NOOOO. PLEASE don't!!," Marinelli said, begging the Colts' star QB to not seriously hurt his football team.<br /><br />Lions players then quickly joined Marinelli, sobbing uncontrollably and openly praying that Manning would "show even the tiniest amount of pity" and try to limit his touchdown passes to "no more than six" on Sunday.<br /><br />Lions linebacker Paris Lenon led the impromptu prayer session, calling his teammates to kneel down, within several feet of Manning. At that point, Lenon began a prayer that lasted nearly three minutes and beseeched Manning to "look inside himself and find compassion" for the winless Lions, who are listed as "bajillion" point underdogs.<br /><br />As Manning tried to shake Marinelli from his leg, Lions players converged, hugging Manning and otherwise trying to lay hands on him. All the while, Gregorian chants were heard from a portable CD player brought along by Lions PR man Bill Keenist.<br /><br />Colts players were said to be too awestruck by the spiritual plea to interrupt it.<br /><br />Manning himself eventually ceased his resistance and bowed his head, holding his hands up and murmuring a prayer of his own. Sources say Manning's prayer was a direct wish that the Heavenly Father have mercy on the souls of the Lions' defensive backs. In the prayer, the sources said, Manning told the Holy Spirit that how much punishment he inflicts on the Lions secondary was out of his hands and instead "in God's."<br /><br />Marinelli was finally extricated from Manning's leg and then collapsed from emotion. He was then led away on a stretcher.<br /><br />Colts head coach Tony Dungy, a longtime friend and colleague of Marinelli's, expressed sadness after the incident, which interrupted Colts practice for about 15 minutes.<br /><br />"Brother Rod isn't heavy. It's a long, long road," Dungy said. "With many winding turns. That leads us to where? Who knows where?"<br /><br />Then Dungy added, "Rod's a great competitor. I'm sure he'll have his team ready on Sunday."<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-13137218851332632992008-12-08T17:17:00.005-05:002008-12-09T11:40:12.466-05:00Area Man Named Greg Thinks Dan Dierdorf Talking To Him<span style="font-weight: bold;">Landover, MD. (Dec. 8) - </span>Friends say that 47-year-old truck driver Greg Philemon enjoys watching NFL games broadcasted by analyst Dan Dierdorf because he's convinced Dierdorf is referring to him whenever he uses the name "Greg" on the air.<br /><br />Dierdorf works for CBS and is partnered with play-by-play man Greg Gumbel.<br /><br />Still, Philemon's friends say that he "can't be convinced otherwise" that Dierdorf is speaking to him and not broadcast partner Gumbel.<br /><br /><img src="http://images.sportsline.com/images/cbs/sports/talent/Dierdorf_bio.jpg" /><img src="http://images.stltoday.com/stltoday/resources/michaelrickert.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Greg Philemon (above) is convinced he's the "Greg" mentioned in NFL broadcasts by Dan Dierdorf (top)<br /><br /></span><br />"It's kind of sad, really," says long time Philemon friend Robert Maloney. "Greg subscribed to <span style="font-style: italic;">NFL Sunday Ticket </span>on DirecTV just so he can make sure he never misses a Dierdorf game."<br /><br />Maloney said that Philemon began believing Dierdorf was speaking to him "about three years ago."<br /><br />"We were all at Ricky's house," Maloney said, referring to mutual pal Richard Meminger, "and the Colts-Bengals were on <span style="font-style: italic;">Sunday Ticket. </span>And it was a Gumbel-Dierdorf game. All of a sudden Dierdorf says 'Greg' and starts talking about the play. So Ricky kids and says, 'Hey, Philemon -- Dierdorf's talking to you!' We were pretty toasted."<br /><br />But apparently, Philemon took Meminger's words to heart, and said, "He IS?"<br /><br />"We all kind of looked at each other," Maloney said.<br /><br />What started out as a curious remark by Philemon to his friends turned into an all-too-real belief.<br /><br />"Greg...is convinced....that Dan Dierdorf is talking to him," Maloney said, sighing.<br /><br />Maloney added that Philemon now even responds to Dierdorf.<br /><br />"He'll say things like, 'Thanks, Dan', or 'No kidding?', or 'Good point.' He has these conversations with Dierdorf throughout the game. Just last week, he bragged that 'Dierdorf told me that the Colts like to run three wides on first down inside the 20 yard line.'<br /><br />"I didn't have the heart to tell him that Dierdorf was saying those things to Greg Gumbel, and NOT him," Maloney added sadly.<br /><br />This Sunday, Philemon is looking forward to "another Sunday with Dan," according to Maloney.<br /><br />"That's what he calls it: 'another Sunday with Dan.'"<br /><br />Philemon couldn't be reached for comment, as he was out Christmas shopping, which sources say includes "picking up something for Dan."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-91847235971310113422008-12-01T13:28:00.004-05:002008-12-01T13:57:13.392-05:00Oklahoma City Wants To Return Thunder To Seattle, But Is Still Looking For Receipt<span style="font-weight: bold;">Oklahoma City, OK. (Dec. 1) - </span>Struck by a nasty case of buyer's remorse, the city of Oklahoma City wants to return the NBA's Thunder back to Seattle, but as of this morning hadn't located the receipt the league says is necessary to complete such a transaction.<br /><br />"No ticky, no washy. That's pretty much what the league is telling us," said Oklahoma City councilperson Renee Wilgard yesterday. "The season is less than sixty days old, so we're still within the window of returns. But if we don't find the receipt, all [the NBA] will give us is league credit."<br /><br />The Thunder, formerly the Seattle Supersonics, are 2-16 and only Saturday broke a 14-game losing streak.<br /><br />"They (the NBA) said we could return the Thunder within 60 days," Wilgard said, "but that we would need the receipt. Well, you can't keep EVERY receipt you get! I hope to talk to the manager."<br /><br />NBA spokesman Frank Meagher said that the league will "cheerfully refund" Oklahoma City's $45.4 million relocation fee, but that without a receipt, "our hands are tied."<br /><br />"The city is entitled to league credit for 180 days," Meagher explained. "Meaning that they could spend the money elsewhere within the league. But a cash refund is impossible without that receipt."<br /><br />Wilgard said she "thinks" fellow councilperson Andrew Schmidt "put the receipt in his glove box", but that hasn't been confirmed.<br /><br />"Maybe Andy still has it in there. Or possibly (city treasurer) Cindy (Kohn) might have it. She's pretty good about that kind of stuff," Wilgard said.<br /><br />Meagher said several NBA employees have verified that when the deal was consummated, a hand written receipt was slipped inside a bag of complimentary NBA souvenirs that was given to Schmidt at the time of the transaction. Also, Meagher said, a more "official" receipt -- "printed from a computer and everything," was mailed to city hall the next day.<br /><br />Wilgard thinks that the league should soften their return policy in this situation.<br /><br />"We've spent quite a bit of money with them," she said. "And we're honest people. It's not like we just tried the Thunder out to impress people then want to return them."<br /><br />Meagher says if the league bends its rules here, everyone will want to do it. He added that the NBA is "still going round and round" with the New York Knicks about returning Stephon Marbury.<br /><br />Wilgard says she might try to say that the Thunder were already broken, to defeat the return policy.<br /><br />"We could always just say that they were like this when we got them," she said. "But like I say, we're honest people. I wish they would just make this one exception."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-41464497135014699772008-11-25T11:28:00.002-05:002008-11-25T12:09:57.046-05:00Lions To Join Big 3 In Bailout Plea<span style="font-weight: bold;">Detroit, MI. (Nov. 25) - </span>The NFL's Detroit Lions, 0-11 this season and 31-92 since 2001, will venture to Capitol Hill on December 2 in an effort to be included in the Big Three automakers' bid for a government bailout.<br /><br />"The Lions have been a part of Detroit for almost as long as the Big Three," said Lions chief operating officer Tom Lewand. "And not once have we asked Congress for help."<br /><br />Lewand said the Lions' existence in the NFL should not be imperiled.<br /><br />"Well, look at all the joy and wins we've provided other teams in the league, number one," he said.<br /><br />According to sources, Lions representatives will fly to Washington along with the chairmen of Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors. On Capitol Hill, as the Big Three present their business plans going forward, the Lions will make a push for a $1 billion loan, designed to enable them to hire competent executives, "legitimate" NFL players, and marketing gurus who will spin the team's piss-poor record this decade.<br /><br />Senator Chris Dodd (D-Ct), who chairs the Finance Committee, was leery of yet another bailout plea.<br /><br />"When will it end?," Dodd said. "The Detroit Lions are a part of the fabric of the NFL, but it might be best for them to go under, reorganize, then come back with a plan for recovery. We can't just give them a blank check."<br /><br />Lewand countered Dodd's comments.<br /><br />"What fan will buy tickets to see a football team in bankruptcy? What about the season ticket holders? How can they be assured that their investment is protected?"<br /><br />Football observers differ on the necessity of the Lions in the NFL.<br /><br />"I say let them fail and let's move on," said Jay Glaser of NFL.com. "They're a joke and they make the whole league look silly. This has been going on for a long time, and they're only now asking for help? Clearly they were in denial."<br /><br />But Chris Mortensen of ESPN disagreed.<br /><br />"Look, every league needs a doormat," Mortensen said. "For every Gallant, you need a Goofus. If nothing else, the Lions offer comic relief for a battle-torn country, and wins for every other team in the league. Why kill the smiles they offer?"<br /><br />Mortensen says he's in favor of a bailout, but that Lions executives must take "severe" salary cuts, and retool themselves for the future.<br /><br />"I'd like to see better scouting, drafting, and coaches with a clue," Mortensen said. "I want to see them succeed, but they'd better not be back in Washington five years from now asking for another handout."<br /><br />Dodd said that it was ironic that the Lions were asking for help now.<br /><br />"We were just about to start legislation prohibiting them from continuously ruining the sacred American holiday of Thanksgiving," Dodd said.<br /><br />The Lions host the 10-1 Tennessee Titans on Thursday in the traditional Thanksgiving Day game, a tradition that, thanks to the Lions, "Actually destroys far more appetites than it encourages," Dodd said.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-26262349460877506922008-11-17T16:49:00.002-05:002008-11-17T19:16:16.985-05:00Donovan McNabb Thinks Eagles And Bengals Get To Play Again<span style="font-weight: bold;">Cincinnati, OH (Nov. 17) - </span>In the wake of the Philadelphia Eagles' 13-13 tie with the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb expressed some confusion over the NFL rules regarding tie games.<br /><br />At first, McNabb indicated that he didn't know the game would end in a tie after the 15-minute overtime session failed to produce a winner, believing that the game would continue ad infinitum, like a playoff game. But even after being explained that rule, McNabb quickly showed that he still had difficulties grasping the whole idea of tie games.<br /><br />"So...we play again, right?," McNabb asked reporters. "I mean, that don't just end in a tie, right? We play [the Bengals] again...right?"<br /><br />McNabb moved through the locker room, asking various players if they thought the tie meant that the Eagles and Bengals will have a rematch.<br /><br />When everyone he asked assured him that the game was indeed a tie and nothing more, McNabb wasn't satisfied.<br /><br />"Aww, man -- no way! Quit pulling my leg. Really, seriously -- when do we play them again? Next week? At the end of the season? When?"<br /><br />Again, McNabb was told that the game would be officially recorded as a tie.<br /><br />"Really? I could have sworn that we get to play them again," McNabb said, aghast. He then walked away from reporters, muttering, "A tie...that's some s**t."<br /><br />Earlier, McNabb had queried reporters about several other matters, including why punt returners could raise their hands and not be tackled; why the clock stops on certain plays, wondering why they were always plays that ended up out of bounds; and why "there aren't any points given out for a touchback."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-67457672375549068392008-11-10T11:12:00.003-05:002008-11-10T11:43:10.897-05:00Report: 88% Of Dolphins Fans Think Team's Coach Is Tony Soprano<span style="font-weight: bold;">Miami, FL. (Nov. 10) - </span>The surprising Miami Dolphins, just one year removed from finishing 1-15, are 5-4 and are one of the surprises in the NFL. But a recent report revealed that nearly 90 percent of the team's fan base thinks it's all due to new head coach Tony Soprano, of the HBO hit show <span style="font-style: italic;">The Sopranos.<br /><br /></span>"It's rather shocking," said Richard Lieberthal of the Hansley Institute, which did the study. "Almost nine out of ten fans we polled -- and we polled about 5,000 -- think the Dolphins are coached by Tony Soprano. And they give a huge amount of credit both to president Bill Parcells for hiring 'Soprano', and to 'Soprano' himself, of course."<br /><br />The Dolphins' real coach is Tony Sparano, hired by Parcells last January.<br /><br />But the fans clearly are enamored with Soprano, the fictional character played by James Gandolfini, and some samplings of their comments recorded during the study reflect that.<br /><br />"The Dolphins needed toughness, and they got it with Soprano," one fan said. "There's no better motivator than the threat of being whacked after practice."<br /><br />Lieberthal said that not only do the fans think Soprano is the coach, they encourage their team's coach's "connections" to organized crime.<br /><br />"There seems to be a tolerance of what they think is a pipeline to the Mafia in Miami," Lieberthal said. "And after the recent losing, Dolphins fans "welcome any perceived advantage that having a coach with mob connections brings", he added.<br /><br />Lieberthal said the study also indicated that nearly 65 percent of Dolphins fans believe that Soprano's assistant coaches, or "lieutenants", recruited draft choices by "any means necessary", including kidnapping players' family members and sending them dead rats in the mail. But, Lieberthal said, more than 90 percent of these people also believed these tactics to be "acceptable", considering the Dolphins' recent record.<br /><br />Fans also believe that banished defensive end Jason Taylor "went for a ride", and has been replaced with an impostor in Washington.<br /><br />Lieberthal said that over 70 percent of fans believe some of the Dolphins' wins this season have come because of bribes, paid by Soprano and his lieutenants to game officials. Again, these bribes are supported, according to the study.<br /><br />Despite the winning, Dolphins fans are also looking ahead to a time when the losing might return.<br /><br />"Nearly three out of every four fans think that if Soprano doesn't take the Dolphins to the playoffs by 2009 at the latest, then his family should be killed," Lieberthal said.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-57820364556097039102008-11-03T11:38:00.003-05:002008-11-03T12:00:39.591-05:00NBA Rookie Dreams Of Being Intentionally Fouled Someday<span style="font-weight: bold;">Minneapolis, MN (Nov. 3) - </span>Minnesota Timberwolves rookie power forward Kevin Love has many challenges ahead of him. But first on his list is to, one day, be intentionally fouled.<br /><br />"I've been a Shaquille O'Neal fan ever since he entered the league," Love said yesterday after practice. "I can't even imagine, sometimes, being like him -- getting fouled on purpose because of piss-poor free throw shooting. To be the center of attention like that...wow!"<br /><br />Love says he works with T-Wolves coaches frequently, trying to lower his free throw percentage to a point that starts to "make some noise" around the NBA.<br /><br />"To me, if I'm not going to be sought out on the floor by the other team during crunch time so that my brick free throws are a factor, then I don't want to be in the league," Love added. "It's as simple as that."<br /><br /><img src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/arash_markazi/03/02/on.scene/p1_love.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Timberwolves rookie Kevin Love, practicing to be a poor free throw shooter in high school</span><br /></span><br />Love says that all the accolades and championships he may garner would be great, but would "pale in comparison" to being a player that other teams constantly send to the free throw line late in games.<br /><br />"I mean, that's where it's at," Love explained. "Shaq can't play forever."<br /><br />Love says his research -- and his agent -- tells him that there really is no one anointed as O'Neal's successor when it comes to intentional hacking.<br /><br />"It's wide open, as far as I'm concerned," Love said. "It's all there for the taking. Whomever is able to bring their free throw percentage at or below fifty percent is going to be that 'don't go-to guy' late in games."<br /><br />To that end, Love has drastically changed his mechanics at the free throw line, adopting a one-handed, unsteady, "girly" way of shooting.<br /><br />"Kevin kind of took Shaq's signature, horrible mechanics and added his own twist to it," says T-Wolves assistant coach Dean Cooper. "It's a style that really shouldn't be very successful, at least not with any consistency. Kevin really should be one of the kids we watch as being the next Shaq when it comes to fouling on purpose."<br /><br />Love says he's eager to finally meet O'Neal in person. What would he say to the future Hall of Famer?<br /><br />"Thank you," Love said. "I'd thank him for paving the way for the younger big men, like me, who have no intention on ever being a good free throw shooter."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-32331316356269792712008-10-30T13:38:00.002-04:002008-10-30T14:05:50.718-04:00Detroit Lions "Encouraged" After Pass In Practice Gains 20 Yards<span style="font-weight: bold;">Allen Park, MI. (Oct. 30) - </span>The winless Detroit Lions expressed guarded optimism after a pass in yesterday's practice from quarterback Dan Orlovsky to receiver Calvin Johnson gained a "good" 20 yards.<br /><br />"It might have been more -- like maybe 22, 23 yards," said head coach Rod Marinelli. "But it was a good 20 yards, for sure."<br /><br />After a succession of passes resulted in drops, interceptions, or just plain being thrown nowhere near a receiver, Orlovsky yelled, "Let's try one more!" before fading back in the pocket. He then let loose with a "pretty decent" spiral, according to Marinelli, which was slightly behind Johnson. But the second-year receiver, in an effort praised by those who saw it as "top notch", "brilliant", and "amazing", managed to catch it despite the pass's less-than-perfect location.<br /><br />Though the pass came in "non-contact drills", meaning that no defenders were on the field at the time, the Lions released a statement in which the team said it was "encouraged" by the pass completion.<br /><br />"This afternoon in practice, quarterback Dan Orlovsky completed a 20-to-25 yard pass to receiver Calvin Johnson. While we are encouraged by this achievement in the offense's development, there is still much work to do," the statement said.<br /><br />After a series of chest bumps, high-fives and hugs, some of the offensive players dumped a bucket of Gatorade over Marinelli's head.<br /><br />Practice, however, was extended moments later when the field goal unit failed to execute a snap. But Marinelli pointed out that punt returner Mike Furrey fair caught a punt "without incident", and that the team would keep "working hard."<br /><br />When asked about his team's chances this Sunday at Chicago, Marinelli said, "Let's just see if we can do a damned handoff first, then come talk to me."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-28212859547687954782008-10-28T10:59:00.002-04:002008-10-28T11:25:39.290-04:00Bad Economy Forces NBA To Charge For Foul Shots<span style="font-weight: bold;">New York, NY (Oct. 28) - </span>Citing itself as another victim of a sluggish economy, the NBA announced yesterday that, effective immediately, it would be eliminating free throws.<br /><br />Starting with tonight's regular season openers, players whistled for fouls will be charged a "nominal" fee for every foul shot taken as a result of their infractions.<br /><br />"The NBA hasn't charged for foul shots since the league's inception in 1946," said league spokesman Mark Harrison. "We think that's pretty good. But these trying economic times have begun to effect us as a league, too. That means looking for other revenue streams."<br /><br />The free throw has been a basketball institution since the sport's beginning. Harrison said he appreciates the shot's history, but "that and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee. Correction: that and a <span style="font-style: italic;">dollar</span> will get you a cup of coffee, nowadays."<br /><br />Under the plan, hastily arranged amidst the release of the league's third quarter numbers, which showed a severe lack of basketball-generated revenue during games -- that is, revenue not tied to concession or beer sales -- every foul shot awarded before a team is in the penalty situation will come at a cost of $2.00 to the fouling player. After the penalty (fifth team foul in a quarter and beyond), each foul shot will cost the offending player $3.00.<br /><br />Harrison said this would add anywhere from $50-60 into the NBA coffers per game. Multiplied by the 1,230 games played in a season league-wide, this amounts to anywhere between $61,500 and $73,800 per season.<br /><br /><img src="http://news.bbc.co.uk/sportacademy/bsp/hi/basketball/rules/scoring/img/free_throw_line.gif" /><img src="http://how-to-box.com/boxing/files/images/dollar_sign.jpg" /><br /><br /><br />"That's some change," Harrison said.<br /><br />When reporters challenged him, wondering how $70,000 could make much of a difference in a league whose players salaries are in the millions, Harrison snapped, "Oh, so I guess you're all economy experts now, huh? Why don't you fix this financial crisis, <span style="font-style: italic;">economy experts</span>?"<br /><br />Early response to the elimination of free throws has been mixed.<br /><br />"That's fine, but what about the guys on the bench?," wondered little-used Detroit Pistons guard Arron Afflalo. "We don't have the dough that the big dogs do, and we're the ones who commit the most fouls, per minute played. This sounds like trickle-down economics at its worst."<br /><br />But Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James had another viewpoint.<br /><br />"I'm tired of getting hacked all the time, man. Maybe now, those guys will think twice about bothering me as I go in for a layup," he said. James also scoffed at the notion that the fee is too small to make a difference. "NBA players are cheap. Trust me," he said.<br /><br />The plan will also include cash registers on press row, complete with debit/credit card machines for convenient, on-site payment of fouling fees. To cushion the blow, Harrison said, each player will be allowed to choose which funny cartoon character appears on his Foul Card, ranging from Scooby Doo to Porky Pig. Fees will be collected after every quarter, with ball boys being assigned the additional duty of swiping all players' cards through the machines.<br /><br />Harrison said that, depending on the success of the new fouling fees program, the league might consider charging TV analyst Bill Walton for every inane, self-contradicting thought that spills out of his mouth. Harrison said that such a move is attractive because of its "unlimited potential as a moneymaker."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-49018864139241300622008-10-21T09:40:00.003-04:002008-10-21T09:52:24.057-04:00Chad Ocho Cinco To Change Number To 86<span style="font-weight: bold;">Cincinnati, OH. (Oct. 21) - </span>Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco, formerly Chad Johnson, has changed his uniform number to 86, according to team officials.<br /><br />"Eighty-five's not workin', ya know?," Ocho Cinco told reporters who gathered at his locker after the change was announced. "We don't got no wins, man."<br /><br />The Bengals are 0-7.<br /><br />Johnson earlier this year changed his name, legally, to Ocho Cinco in honor of the Spanish pronunciation of his uniform number, 85. When asked what this means now that his number is 86, Ocho Cinco stopped applying his underarm deodorant, gazed off into the distance for several seconds, then scowled.<br /><br />"Aww, man! Damn!," he screamed, tossing the deodorant onto the floor.<br /><br />Ocho Cinco was then seen scrambling toward his car, mumbling something about "calling my damn lawyer again."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-48785737016436959282008-10-14T10:45:00.003-04:002008-10-14T11:12:12.449-04:00Red Sox Hire Stephen King To Write Rest Of ALCS<span style="font-weight: bold;">Boston, MA. (Oct. 14) - </span>Frustrated with their inability to shoo away the Tampa Bay Rays in the American League Championship Series, the Boston Red Sox have struck a deal with horror story author and longtime Red Sox fan Stephen King to pen the remainder of the best-of-seven series.<br /><br />The series, which the Rays now lead, 2-1, thanks to a 9-1 win in Game 3 in Boston, will now head for a bone-chilling, gripping climax that "only Stephen King can provide," according to Red Sox spokesman Matt Stewart.<br /><br />"It's going to be something you'll never forget," Stewart said this morning at team headquarters. "There'll be internal struggles set as a backdrop to some pretty freaking scary plot devices," Stewart said, referring to King's script, which is "in process."<br /><br />The best-selling author got the hurry-up call in the sixth inning of Game 3, instructed by Red Sox owner John Henry to "whip something up" in time for tonight's Game 4. Sources close to King said that the writer was up all night working on the treatment for the script of the rest of the series.<br /><br /><img src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/albert_chen/10/25/game.one/t2.king.gy.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Red Sox fan and horror writer Stephen King does some research for his new ALCS project, set to debut tonight on Fox Sports<br /></span><br /></span><br />Insiders indicated that Rays outfielder B.J. Upton and rookie third baseman Evan Longoria will make a bad turn and wander into a dark, desolate part of the Tampa Bay clubhouse, where they will meet a "grisly yet ironic demise." The sources also told reporters to look for a crazed, deranged Red Sox fan who "will stop at nothing to further his agenda", as well as a subplot featuring Red Sox slugger David Ortiz's relationship with a female friend "careening out of control." Several different players, wives, girlfriends, and team officials will all have their lives intersect during the climactic Game 7 -- a game in which spectators will not be allowed admittance after the fourth inning.<br /><br />King has told insiders that his vision for the rest of the series includes some of the games being played in thunderstorms and in the woods.<br /><br />"This will be the Red Sox's best ALCS ever," Stewart crowed of King's involvement in the outcome.<br /><br />Any Ray player or official, or umpire, who tries to interfere with King's version of the rest of the series will be captured and confined to a bed by Kathy Bates, Stewart said.<br /><br />King's vehicle, titled <span style="font-style: italic;">Stephen King's ALCS: No Rays Of Light, </span>will open at 8:07 p.m. tonight on Fox Sports.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-28208233693592651872008-10-10T12:07:00.003-04:002008-10-10T12:50:58.143-04:00Rams' Punter: "Just Give Me the Damn Ball!"<span style="font-weight: bold;">St. Louis, MO. (Oct. 10) - </span>St. Louis Rams punter Donnie Jones, frustrated over his team's 0-4 start, has issued an ultimatum to his teammates and coaches: Just give me the damn ball.<br /><br />"I'm all about winning, man," Jones told reporters at an impromptu press conference after practice yesterday. "This isn't about Donnie Jones. Donnie Jones just wants to win. Donnie Jones wants what's best for the St. Louis Rams."<br /><br />In that spirit, Jones says that the Rams' best chances of beating the Washington Redskins in Washington this Sunday lie on his right foot.<br /><br />"I'll pooch punt those guys (Redskins) to death," Jones said, speaking animatedly. "Just get me to the 45 yard line. That's all I need. Then the game of field position will be ours. Totally. I'm not even joking."<br /><br /><img src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/images/football/nfl/players/6983.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Jones calls himself the Rams' "best chance" at victory<br /></span><br /></span><br />Jones said that as long as the Rams keep failing to convert third downs, the better off the team will be.<br /><br />"I know it sounds weird, but trust me on this: Donnie Jones will win the game for the Rams if they just give Donnie Jones the ball on 4th down," Jones said before adding, "But you gotta get off the field, now. Donnie Jones can't help by standing on the sidelines."<br /><br />Jones went so far as to make a suggestion "out of the box."<br /><br />"If we have to punt on third down, second down, whatever, then I'm OK with that," he said. "Donnie Jones is ready, no matter what down it is."<br /><br />Jones reasons that the more he punts, the less tired the Rams' offense will be, setting them up for some late-game heroics.<br /><br />"The Redskins won't have no field position, that's for sure," Jones said brashly. "Then, late in the game, Donnie Jones is willing to stand on the sidelines on fourth down for a game-winning field goal."<br /><br />When it was pointed out that the Rams have been outscored, 147-43, and haven't lost a game by less than 17 points thus far, Jones refused to back off his statements.<br /><br />"That was before Donnie Jones asked for the ball, gentlemen," he said. "I got me some coffin corner kicks in my bag -- you just wait."<br /><br />Jones then joined his Rams teammates in the locker room, who, upon being told of the punter's comments, savagely beat him. He's listed as "day-to-day."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-27695324132327153862008-10-02T10:22:00.004-04:002008-10-02T11:00:08.025-04:00DeMarcus Ware: "I Don't WANT To Sack Anyone, But I Will If I Have To"<span style="font-weight: bold;">Dallas, TX. (Oct. 2) - </span>Dallas Cowboys linebacker/defensive end DeMarcus Ware, who was third in the NFL last year in sacks, says that performing that role is one that he doesn't relish, but realizes is necessary.<br /><br />"Look, I don't WANT to sack anyone," Ware said after practice yesterday. "But I will if I have to. If quarterbacks would just learn to get rid of the damn ball. And if those offensive linemen would only learn how to handle my spin move and bull rush -- then none of this sacking business would be going on."<br /><br />Ware expressed remorse at the number of sacks he has been accumulating -- 37.5 and counting in his young, four-year career -- and knows it must have a "terrible" effect on the quarterbacks, the linemen, and their families.<br /><br />"I usually tell the dude after I've slammed his sorry ass into the turf after a sack: 'This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you'," Ware said. "But it's tough love, you know?"<br /><br />Ware says he sometimes fantasizes of a world "where there would be no need for sacking and we could all just co-exist peacefully but competitively on the football field for all to see." But, he acknowledged, "That world is probably not likely in my lifetime. Maybe my children or grand-children will see it, though."<br /><br />In Dallas's game against Washington last Sunday, Ware sacked Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell.<br /><br />"He felt awful," Campbell said of Ware. "His eyes welled up and he kind of choked out, 'Damn you, Jason Campbell! Why'd you make me go and do that?'"<br /><br />Redskins tackle Chris Samuels, who Ware beat with an "up and under move" to sack Campbell, said Ware was quite apologetic.<br /><br /><img src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/reuben_frank/10/03/week4/p1_ware.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">An emotionally distraught DeMarcus Ware forces himself to sack another quarterback, much to his chagrin</span><br /></span><br /><br />"On the way back to the huddle he said, 'Chris -- please jam me under my neck with your forearm next time. Please -- I beg you'," Samuels said, recounting Ware's words. "He was really shaken. You could tell that sacking the quarterback gives him no pleasure at all. None."<br /><br />Ware reiterated that yesterday. In fact, when shown video of the Campbell sack, Ware took a deep breath, sighed, looked skyward, and then squeezed his nose, between the eyes, to stop the stem of tears. Then he asked for a moment to compose himself before commenting.<br /><br />"Look at me -- I'm a damn monster! A monster! Oh God, what have I done?," Ware screamed as he kicked over the television monitor. Moments later, Ware was hugged/restrained by head coach Wade Phillips, who was heard cooing, "It's OK, big guy" as Phillips stroked Ware's head.<br /><br />"When I came to the Cowboys, I told them, 'I'm a good sacker, but I only do it if absolutely necessary'," Ware said, adding that he had hoped "other arrangements" could be made to stall the other team's passing attack.<br /><br />"DeMarcus sees sacking the quarterback as an ostentatious display of his God-given speed, strength, and cat-like quickness," Phillips said after calming Ware down. "He feels like he shouldn't be exploiting what God has empowered him to do; in other words, a sack should be a last resort."<br /><br />Ware said he can't believe the NFL hasn't come up with a "viable alternative" to the quarterback sack.<br /><br />"What are we waiting for? For someone to get hurt?"<br /><br />Ware said he would continue to do his job, but that he wishes it wouldn't have to come at the expense of anyone.<br /><br />"I mean, those dudes are people, too," Ware said. "They have families. But don't they see that, before they let me bust through their weak protection schemes?"<br /><br />Ware added that he almost wishes the NFL would outlaw the forward pass, thus eliminating the need for quarterback sacks altogether.<br /><br />"A man can dream, can't he?," Ware said before strapping his helmet on and returning to the practice field, where he was later seen kicking backup quarterback Brad Johnson into unconsciousness, as punishment for failing to scramble out of Ware's grasp.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-64384937153307687082008-09-30T10:22:00.002-04:002008-09-30T10:43:54.570-04:00Cubs Panicked That They Might Reach World Series<span style="font-weight: bold;">Chicago, IL (Sept. 30) - </span>Owners of the best record in the National League, and therefore considered the favorites to win the league pennant, the Chicago Cubs are "panicked" that they might actually reach the World Series for the first time in 63 years.<br /><br />"The Cubs have always been able to look around lately, when they've made the playoffs, and see a far superior opponent within the National League," said ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips. "So, it's never really been a question as to whether they'd make the World Series, because there was always a team much better than them in the post-season."<br /><br />But now, Phillips says, the Cubs are faced with a cold reality.<br /><br />"I'm hesitant to say this, but the Cubs are the odds-on favorites to make it through the NLDS and NLCS and represent the league in the Fall Classic," Phillips, a former GM of the New York Mets, added.<br /><br />That prospect, according to sources close to the ballclub, has the Cubs "panicked" and "reeling."<br /><br />"Look, they've always been the adorable Cubs -- the team who never has a shot, even when they make the playoffs," said a baseball insider who requested anonymity because he's afraid no one would know who he was anyway. "And that was a comfort level for them. Now you have the prospect of the Cubs actually being in the World Series, and for many in that organization, that's simply too terrifying to comprehend."<br /><br />The Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908 -- 100 years exactly.<br /><br />"There's a lot of pressure," said Phillips, "to keep that streak alive. There are millions of Cubs fans all over the United States who revel in the fact that their team is the nation's 'Lovable Losers.' Well, how can they be that anymore, if they even <span style="font-style: italic;">qualify </span>for the World Series."<br /><br />And if they win it?<br /><br />"Christ almighty," Phillips said.<br /><br />Cubs manager Lou Piniella assured his team around the All-Star break "not to worry", and that he was "pretty sure" some other team would get hot and supplant the Cubs as post-season favorites in the NL, the source said.<br /><br />"But then everyone else gets dysfunctional and you have that G**damn West division, who can't get a champion with 85 wins to save its soul, and those f***ing Mets, who collapse like a house of cards every September...," a Cubs front office employee was overheard telling Piniella the other day.<br /><br />"Great job, Lou! NOW what?," the employee told Piniella in a sarcastic tone.<br /><br />As a result of their new front runner status, the Cubs hierarchy is set to huddle today to figure out "a way out of this mess," according to the source.<br /><br />Some proposed suggestions include firing Piniella and replacing him with Cindy, the bartender at the Hangge Uppe on Rush Street; letting the Cubs' opponents supply their own pitcher when they bat; and simply not showing up for any of the games -- among other ideas.<br /><br />Regardless, the Cubs are "kicking themselves" for getting into this mess, the source said.<br /><br />"It just wasn't supposed to turn out this way -- not with Joe Torre in the league now," the source said, referring to the Dodgers manager who came over from the Yankees. "The Cubs were supposed to be playoff fodder."<br /><br />The source added that "heads will roll" within the Cubs organization following this "unacceptable debacle."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-48351284046433884062008-09-23T12:45:00.003-04:002008-09-23T13:09:08.806-04:00Hochuli Offers To "Make Things Right" In Next Chargers Game He Officiates<span style="font-weight: bold;">DeKalb, Ill. (Sept. 23) - </span>NFL referee Ed Hochuli, under fire for admittedly blowing a crucial call against the San Diego Chargers on September 14, has offered to "make things right" the next time he officiates a Chargers game, according to sources.<br /><br />"I'll take care of it," Hochuli was quoted as saying to Chargers head coach Norv Turner in a text message late last week, one of the sources said. "Don't worry. I'm going to make things right," Hochuli texted.<br /><br />"No one feels worse about this than Ed," said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello. "So it doesn't surprise me that he wants to make up for his blunder," Aiello continued in the wake of the news of Hochuli's offer.<br /><br />Hochuli incorrectly ruled that a fumble by Denver Broncos QB Jay Cutler was an incomplete pass, giving the Broncos new life late in their game with the Chargers. The Broncos went on to score the game-winning touchdown after Hochuli's mistake.<br /><br />"I have shamed myself and my profession," were just some of the words Hochuli used publicly to admonish himself the day after the game. "If I had a gun right now, I'd probably shoot myself in the brain," Hochuli also said. "But, absent that, I'll just have to make it right. I just HAVE to."<br /><br />Hochuli apparently wasn't just paying lip service. The sources said that, in addition to texting Turner, Hochuli has put a "big, red circle" around his next Chargers assignment -- October 19 in Buffalo -- with the intention of "making sure" the Chargers get a "fair shake -- if you know what I mean," the sources quoted Hochuli as he spoke to a friend.<br /><br />The friend says that Hochuli plans on making it "ridiculously hard" for the Chargers to lose their Oct. 19 game in Buffalo.<br /><br />"He feels terrible. Believe me, you'll see just how terrible Ed feels," the friend said, referring to Hochuli's planned performance in Buffalo.<br /><br />Another source said that Hochuli has some things "up his sleeve", which may include some ill-timed roughing the passer calls against the Bills, a "back-breaking" holding call or two, and, if necessary, calling a Chargers field goal good, even if it isn't.<br /><br />"He feels it's the least he can do," the friend said.<br /><br />Turner, when reached for comment about the supposed text messages from Hochuli, would only say, "I have complete confidence in the integrity and fairness of Ed Hochuli. Especially now. I mean, ESPECIALLY now," Turner said with a wink<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3t953bv3LgZymPJ6RKCcRLzJI76tW7_SZkizGKd8QiBNj-RDB-cIEvZsaCLxdTsx1pMbwY2SG-qXJi2nCCZkUik8bS9GX1LG_DJJt_-1pLVzEmYS_dmlvvN2mpUN6SePrQ1Er06k8T_wi/s1600-h/Ed+Hochuli.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3t953bv3LgZymPJ6RKCcRLzJI76tW7_SZkizGKd8QiBNj-RDB-cIEvZsaCLxdTsx1pMbwY2SG-qXJi2nCCZkUik8bS9GX1LG_DJJt_-1pLVzEmYS_dmlvvN2mpUN6SePrQ1Er06k8T_wi/s400/Ed+Hochuli.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5249264071109089266" border="0" /></a> and a smirk.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:85%;">NFL referee Ed Hochuli (left), crafts a suicide letter immediately after September 14's game between the Chargers and the Broncos. He later eschewed the idea<br /></span><br /></span>Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-79116647716609843292008-09-18T10:26:00.002-04:002008-09-18T10:48:10.083-04:000-2 Chiefs Change QB, Offensive Coordinator, Playbook, Head Usher, Socks, Color Scheme, Receptionist, Official Gum In Big Shake-Up<span style="font-weight: bold;">Kansas City, MO. (Sept. 18) - </span>Calling the team's 0-2 start "unacceptable", Kansas City Chiefs chairman Clark Hunt said the team's shake up wouldn't stop at changing quarterbacks.<br /><br />In addition to replacing former starting QB Damon Huard with Tyler Thigpen for this Sunday's tilt with the Atlanta Falcons, Hunt said that offensive coordinator Chan Gailey would be replaced by former Chiefs great Len Dawson. But the changes don't end there.<br /><br />The team's playbook, which had been in a red, 3" three-ring binder separated by rainbow-colored dividers and yellow tabs, will be replaced by a sleeker, "more leathery" spiral binder with, what Hunt called, "very cool" pockets in both the front and back.<br /><br />The shake up also includes the replacement of longtime head usher Fred Garrison with Thomas Hewitt, an aggressive, 26-year-old "up-and-coming" usher who Hunt said would take the team's ushering in a "bold, new direction." Hunt said Hewitt will make ushering "fun again", and Hunt promised "more and friendlier" usher-fan interaction.<br /><br />"I think part of our inability to win has been due to a confrontational relationship between our team and its fan base," Hunt said in explaining the change at the top of the usher personnel. "With Tommy, I think we can have more harmony in the stands, which should lead to a more universal acceptance of our team's state right now."<br /><br />Hunt also announced that the team's socks would change from Hanes to JC Penney, and that the color scheme, which for years had been scarlett and gold, would change to red and mustard.<br /><br />"The colors of ketchup and mustard," Hunt said. "Which goes back to making our fans more comfortable to go to our concession stands for hot dogs, guided of course by our friendlier ushers, led by Tommy Hewitt."<br /><br />Team receptionist Amy Lowell is also out, another victim of the shake up.<br /><br />"Amy's been great, but it's time to have our visitors greeted by someone more...good looking, frankly. Amy's sweet, but she is kind of dowdy looking."<br /><br />Hunt said Lowell would be replaced by Heather Kimball, a 21-year-old intern who will take over receptionist duties on September 22.<br /><br />"Heather's hot," Hunt said.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.wowowow.com/files/imagecache/slide/files/2008_0411_shutterstock_21yr.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Heather Kimball, the Chiefs' new receptionist, who will take over on September 22 in a big team shake up</span><br /></span><br /><br />The official gum is also changing, from Big League Chew to Bazooka.<br /><br />"I love those little comic strips that come with each piece," Hunt explained.<br /><br />Head coach Herm Edwards, when asked about the huge makeover, said, "I'm all about winning. If Clark Hunt thinks we can neutralize the Falcons' running game and confuse their rookie quarterback, Matt Ryan, wearing JC Penney socks and chewing Bazooka, then I'm on board."<br /><br />When pressed about the more football-related aspects of the shake up, such as the replacement of Huard by Thigpen, Edwards said, "Oh -- that. Well, yeah. I'm sure that will play into it, too."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-70059830447793379392008-09-16T10:42:00.004-04:002008-09-16T11:05:11.470-04:00Jeter: New York Yankees Looking Forward To Nice, Quiet October At Home With The Family<span style="font-weight: bold;">New York, NY (Sept. 16) - </span>The New York Yankees, tired and homesick after 13 consecutive years in Major League Baseball's playoffs, are looking forward to a "nice, quiet" October at home with the family, according to captain Derek Jeter.<br /><br />"The pursuit of another World Series championship has just gotten to be too much work," the star shortstop told reporters gathered around the batting cage before yesterday's game. "I tell you, it'll be nice to cozy up by the fire, make some hot cocoa, and watch the playoffs on television. Yes sir."<br /><br />Jeter said the years and years of October baseball has "taken a toll."<br /><br />"There are things in life more important, you know? Sometimes you need to put things into perspective. Just today I was reading about a family whose wireless Internet hookup died, paralyzing them. No YouTube, no IM'ing for them. That's when I thought, 'Here I am, worried about making the damn playoffs, when those folks are wondering how backlogged their e-mail IN boxes are getting.<br /><br />"Shame on me," Jeter said.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.thevinceblackshow.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/derek-jeter1.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter smiles as he talks about "vegging out" with a box of Oreo cookies and watching the playoffs on TV this October<br /></span></span><br /><br />Jeter added that the Yankees decided, in early July, to just "get away from baseball" for awhile, in effect conceding the division championship and wild card spot.<br /><br />"I'd say just before the All-Star break, we all kind of looked at each other in the clubhouse and said, with our eyes, 'Do we REALLY want to do this again?' It was kind of a cool moment. No words were said. Then we hugged, and everyone got real emotional," Jeter said, adding that after the hugs, the players gathered on the floor, "Indian style", and shared with each other the things they could accomplish, given a baseball-free October.<br /><br />"It was very heartwarming, to hear things like how Bobby Abreu wants to finally get at that loose cupboard handle in the kitchen, and how Mariano Rivera has longed to go to Oktoberfest in Germany," Jeter said. "Now, we can -- thanks to our resolve and focus to not qualify for the playoffs, at any cost."<br /><br />Jeter added that he's "looking forward" to the team's mathematical elimination, which is only days away.<br /><br />"It'll be like a huge weight off our shoulders," he said. "Then we can actually say, 'We did it. We kicked the playoff habit.'"<br /><br />Yankees acting managing partner Hank Steinbrenner was unavailable for comment regarding Jeter's words, but was reportedly seen chewing on a table leg in his office.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-78458880241291798372008-09-11T09:42:00.004-04:002008-09-11T10:17:08.965-04:00Sacrifice Bunt Hailed As Another Example Of LaRussa's "Genius"<span style="font-weight: bold;">St. Louis, MO. (Sept. 11) - </span>Although it had no bearing on the outcome of the game, and therefore did not prevent the Chicago Cubs from defeating the St. Louis Cardinals, a sacrifice bunt called for by Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa Wednesday night was roundly hailed as the latest example of the longtime skipper's "genius."<br /><br />"Just when you think you've got the hang of this managing thing, Tony does something like that to remind you why he's Tony LaRussa and you're not," Cubs manager Lou Piniella, himself a veteran manager but not as smart as LaRussa, said in the aftermath of the game, won by the Cubs, 4-3.<br /><br />The brilliant move came in the bottom of the eighth inning with the Cardinals trailing, 4-1. Sensing his team's offensive sluggishness, LaRussa called for what some baseball observers have described in various terms as a move that was "bold," "daring", and "damn-the-torpedoes" when he signaled for a bunt to be laid down by pinch-hitter Brian Barden.<br /><br />Runners were on first and second with one out when LaRussa, through a series of hand gestures that the observers said were "dizzying yet precise", signaled for Barden, a 27-year-old just called up from the minors, to execute the bunt.<br /><br />"I didn't think the bunt was coming because there was already one out," Piniella said afterward, simultaneously admitting his lack of baseball intellect when compared to LaRussa's. "Because even if it was successful, there'd be two outs and they (the Cardinals) hadn't done well in two-out situations all night," Piniella added, further illustrating his stupidity when his mind is up against LaRussa, who has infinite baseball brain power.<br /><br />Barden squared to bunt as the Busch Stadium crowd gasped. The first pitch from Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly was high and outside. Undaunted, LaRussa again went through a series of gestures, adding such wrinkles as gently tugging his left earlobe, brushing his fingers across his chest, and tapping his nose intermittently.<br /><br />"That stuff had me reeling," Piniella said of the gestures and non-verbal signals. "I look at Tony and he's doing all this stuff," Piniella said as he tried, futilely, to mimic the gestures to reporters, "and I'm thinking, something bad is about to happen to us, and by extension, to me personally."<br /><br />The second pitch from Lilly, who appeared slightly rattled, was delivered. Barden again squared to bunt, but then, at the last moment, pulled his bat back even though the pitch was a perfect strike.<br /><br />"I almost threw up," Piniella said of LaRussa's apparent strategy of having Barden alternately showing bunt and reneging.<br /><br />Finally, on Lilly's third pitch, which was simply lobbed to the plate because the left-hander was too discombobulated to throw anything else, Barden laid down the bunt, which was described by witnesses as being "good."<br /><br />Cubs catcher Geovany Soto was able to shake himself from his stupor -- an act that Piniella called "courageous beyond belief" -- and leapt from his catcher's crouch. Soto then pounced on the dribbling baseball, picked it up, and threw to first baseman Derrek Lee, who some say had a "stunned, faraway look" in his eyes, but who was still able to catch the throw from Soto.<br /><br /><img src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/jon_heyman/08/09/thursday.scoop/t1_tony_larussa.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:85%;">The incredibly smart LaRussa weighs the effects of his thinking, moments before terrorizing the Cubs with a sacrifice bunt in the 8th inning of Wednesday's game<br /></span><br /></span><br /><br />The bunt, successful, put runners on second and third with two outs.<br /><br />"If this was football or basketball, I'd have called a timeout," Piniella said. "You know, to gather ourselves and to make sure we didn't lose our composure."<br /><br />Instead, Piniella wanted to at least go to the mound to talk to Lilly and his infielders, but found himself "anchored to the bench with fear."<br /><br />"I simply could not move. I was truly helpless at that point," Piniella said, his voice wavering, clearly not soothed by his team's eventual victory.<br /><br />Lilly managed to gather himself to face the next batter, Cesar Izturis, and despite his "heart pounding out of his chest", according to Lilly, the pitcher retired Izturis with a flyball to center field.<br /><br />"My legs were like spaghetti when that inning was over with," Piniella said, a shaky hand reaching for a post-game cup of water. "I'm sorry," he added, excusing himself from his office, leaving reporters to their own devices.<br /><br />LaRussa, according to team spokesman Louis Harrison, had no comment about the bunt.<br /><br />"Tony doesn't talk about why he does things, mainly because none of you would understand anyway," Harrison said. "You're all dumb. Baseball dumb."<br /><br />Too intimidated mentally to argue, the group of reporters all nodded knowingly. One was heard saying, "That's why LaRussa's a genius and we're the idiots writing about him."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-41306439219207381572008-09-09T10:07:00.002-04:002008-09-09T10:28:29.593-04:00Nationals, Padres To Split Upcoming Three Game Series In Half<span style="font-weight: bold;">Washington, D.C. (Sept. 9) - </span>The last-place Washington Nationals and the equally-as-last-place San Diego Padres have decided to not play their upcoming three-game series in Washington, agreeing instead to award each other 1-1/2 victories in the standings.<br /><br />"If you can think of one good reason why this series should be played, I'm all ears," said Nationals General Manager Jim Bowden yesterday as he spoke to reporters in the team parking lot, between mouthfuls of a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese. When that statement was met with silence, Bowden raised his eyebrows and said, "What? Cat got your tongue?"<br /><br />Sources close to the negotiations said that Nationals and Padres executives held a "two or three minute" conference call Monday and "pretty much decided right away" to take the weekend of September 19-21 off, when the Padres are scheduled to visit the Nationals.<br /><br />The execs cited several reasons for the cancellations, including "the games don't mean s***"; "who really cares?"; and "we've all got tons to do around the house, with school just starting". Bowden himself, it was reported, expressed a desire to "take in some football" and "not feel guilty about it," as he would if his team was playing that weekend.<br /><br />Nationals star Ryan Zimmerman, when reached in the same parking lot moments after Bowden drove off, seemed willing to go along with the decision.<br /><br />"I don't know much about it. I hear we're going to be assigned some stats, so I might hit a home run or two while I'm golfing," Zimmerman said with a chuckle, referring to the plan to "play" the three-game set using the electronic video game "MLB 2008" and putting it into "auto mode."<br /><br />In the standings, each team will receive 1-1/2 victories. That part of the plan needs MLB approval, though.<br /><br />"We in the MLB offices really couldn't care less if the Nationals and the Padres play," said spokesman Jeff Treadwell. "But the one-and-a-half wins each thing, we have to think about. Won't that look obvious, and kinda stupid?"<br /><br />The Nationals and Padres each sport 56-88 records and are deeply burrowed in last place in their respective divisions.<br /><br />As for the fans who hold tickets for the games, Bowden said, "They will be reimbursed for their costs." Sources say the reimbursement will likely come in the form of Nationals souvenirs and coupons to local retail outlets, and that efforts to reach out to those who hold tickets will begin "soon." When asked how many fans will be affected by the cancellations, the source said, "Gosh...hundreds."Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4067779686002104308.post-17884728398429011332008-09-05T13:01:00.003-04:002008-09-05T14:08:59.606-04:00Report: Half of NFL Teams To Make It Through Week 1 Undefeated<span style="font-weight: bold;">New York, NY (Sept. 5) - </span>A report released on the eve of the opening weekend of the NFL season indicates that exactly half of the league's 32 teams will emerge from Week 1 undefeated.<br /><br />"Statistically there is almost undeniable truth to that notion," said Dr. William Strong of the Hayes-Morgan Institute, which was commissioned by the NFL to do the study. "And, as we've already seen after just one game, that trend is holding true," Dr. Strong added, referring to Thursday night's game between the New York Giants and the Washington Redskins, won by the Giants, 16-7.<br /><br />The study was asked for to satisfy skeptics who claim that NFL games are fixed.<br /><br />"How can they be fixed if 50% of the teams will be happy and 50% will not be?", said Dr. Strong.<br /><br />The study, which lasted six months, covered games played between 1985-2004.<br /><br />"In those 20 seasons, without fail, half of the teams came away from Week 1 undefeated," Dr. Strong said. "And we saw that trend continue throughout the season."<br /><br />Dr. Strong said that, although games from 2005-2007 weren't included in the study, he was "confident" that the "50/50 rule" would hold true for those games as well.<br /><br />The next NFL study that Hayes-Morgan will do will be to determine whether clouds of dust actually materialize after rushing plays that gain three yards.Greg Enohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884412028028351344noreply@blogger.com0