Friday, May 30, 2008

Report: Hollywood Celebrities Have Never Watched More Than 5 Minutes Of Any G**damned NBA Game They Get Dragged To

Los Angeles, CA. (May 30) - Nearing the peak of the NBA season, a report has been released which reveals that the Hollywood actors and actresses that are seen at NBA games watch "less than five minutes" and are mainly there to be photographed and seen on TV.

"I can't say that I'm shocked," said NBA public relations spokesperson Mandy Crittendon. "This report, while disappointing, kind of confirms our suspicions."

The report, commissioned by the NBA and done by CelebTrak, a Los Angeles-based research group that specializes in what celebrities do in their free time, says that only actors Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman actually watch the games. The others watch an average of 4 minutes and 44 seconds of actual game action.

"The breakdown of the 48-minute NBA game for these celebrities is this: 4:44 watching the game, 21:07 turning to their left or right and speaking into the ear of the person next to them, :10 spent looking up at the scoreboard to see their image on the screen, and the remaining 21:59 is spent in a limousine commuting to the game or carousing in the parking lot," said CelebTrak chief Gordon Sankauer. "We're sorry to report this, but this is the result of three years of hard work."

Sankauer said that Nicholson and Hoffman, longtime fans of the Los Angeles Lakers and New York Knicks, respectively, spend an average of 44:13 watching the game -- easily by far the most of any celebrity. In fact, Sankauer said, Nicholson even coaches some of the game for the Lakers while Phil Jackson meditates.

Lakers fan and sometimes-coach Jack Nicholson tells Derek Fisher to shoot during Thursday's Game 5 against the Spurs

Nicholson was, as usual, in attendance during Thursday's Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals as the Lakers tussled with the San Antonio Spurs, coaching the last two minutes of the first quarter and about three minutes midway thru the third quarter.

"Jack's a player's coach," said Lakers star Kobe Bryant. "He just lets us do our thing. He says he prefers not to be over-directed as an actor, so why should he over-coach?"

Nicholson did, however, indicate that he wanted a time out last night, which Bryant called -- pretending that it had been asked for by Jackson, in the interest of "not making a big deal out of anything so we don't have to deal with it right now."

Some celebrities, like actress Cameron Diaz -- who was at last night's Lakers game -- confessed to "not even knowing who was playing" and openly wondering "how long do we have to stay?" and "can we pleeeease leave now?"

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