Monday, March 31, 2008

Cops Called As Baseball Accuses Bonds Of Stalking

San Francisco, CA. (Mar. 31) - Police were called at 1:47 a.m. this morning to a bungalow in the city's south side, where homerun king Barry Bonds was arrested on the sidewalk, threatening his ex -- baseball.

"He was cursing and begging me for another chance," baseball told reporters gathered outside the sport's modest, two-bedroom abode that it once shared with Bonds. "He went back and forth from being nice to being obnoxious. I think he'd been drinking," the sport added.

Bonds has been stalking baseball, according to the sport's friends, since the wintertime, when it was growing apparent that his legal woes due to the steroid scandal were scaring teams away from hiring him.

"He'd call at least 10-12 times a day," a friend of baseball said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "For awhile I thought baseball might take him back. But I advised that baseball needed to be strong and stand its ground.

"He's out of your LIFE," the friend told baseball. The friend said that Opening Day probably caused Bonds to go "off the deep end."

Bonds was arrested, wobbly and screaming thru tears, after baseball called police when Bonds wouldn't leave the sidewalk. Baseball told reporters, and police, that the locks had been changed weeks ago.

"BASEBALLLLL!!," Bonds reportedly screamed as he nearly lost his balance. "BASEBALLLLLLL! PLEASE!! Oh God, please!"

Bonds briefly fought officers as he was forced into the back of a patrol car. Baseball was asked if it had someplace safe to stay for awhile.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Canseco's Next Book To Reveal That He Just Went Around Injecting People With Steroids

New York, NY (Mar. 28) - Retired baseball slugger Jose Canseco announced that his next book project will chronicle how he "just went around injecting people" with steroids and human growth hormone (HGH).

The project, which holds a working title of Me and My Needle, will be released in time for the holidays, and will reveal how Canseco, eager to share the benefits of steroids and HGH with as many people as possible, went on an "injecting spree" throughout the 1990s.

"This next book will be a prequel," Canseco explained, speaking from the offices of Simon Spotlight Entertainment, which published Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars and the Battle to Save Baseball, Canseco's newest book, which is to be released Monday. "In this new book, I'll tell how it all started -- my love affair with the needle. About how I just couldn't get big enough, fast enough. About how I shared the joys of altering my body's natural chemistry and severely reducing the size of my testicles with others, through the intoxicating allure of the steroid needle."

Canseco said he decided to work on the new project because "staining baseball's name just started getting boring to me." With the new book, Canseco says he "can open up a whole new world of unsuspecting people to slander."

Canseco will explain in the new book how he would carry syringes with him "everywhere", and inject people when they weren't looking.

"In the neck, in the arm, behind the ear, on the buttocks -- my needle went into all sorts of different people in all sorts of different areas," Canseco said.

When asked to explain how he could have injected people's buttocks' without their knowledge, Canseco grinned, winked, and said, "You'll see, this holiday season."

The general population, which figures to be possibly implicated in Canseco's next project, had no comment beyond a terse statement released thru its publicist.

"We have no comment about anything Mr. Canseco says at this time," the people said. "We're going to reserve comment until we see a copy of the book. It's our belief that we were not ever injected by Mr. Canseco with any sort of steroids or HGH. And if we were, then we deny it."

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Sober, Ruly Fan And Drunk, Unruly Fan Form Unlikely Bond

Chicago, IL. (Mar. 26) - Rooting for the Second City's sports teams has been the common denominator in an unlikely bond that is forming between Justin Michael, a clean, sober, 25-year-old Web designer, and Darrell Gagnon, an almost constantly inebriated, unemployed 29-year-old.

"Justin's a real cool dude," Gagnon said in between periods of a recent Blackhawks game, as he half-slumped against a restroom door, shnockered, while Michael stood in line for beer -- Gagnon's -- and his own nachos. "He's like, awesome, man. Justin rocks!," Gagnon added before a dizzy spell nearly sent him to the floor.

For his part, Michael shrugs off his new friend's loud, obnoxious behavior at sporting events.

"Darrell doesn't mean half of what he says. Maybe not even a quarter. I'd say he means about 22 percent of what he says. He's a real nice guy, deep down. So when he berated Bears quarterback Rex Grossman about his wheelchair-bound, learning disabled nephew, it was mainly the beer talking," Michael says.

Gagnon, who doesn't recall the Grossman incident, or much of anything previous to last Thursday, agreed.

"I just get a little excited, man. I'm like REALLY into it. The beer makes me louder, that's all," Gagnon said as he waddled into the concourse at the United Center, clumsily bumping into several fans, some of whom he responded to with a hearty "Hawks RULE!"

Justin Michael (top) and unlikely friend Darrell Gagnon (bottom)

Michael admits that sometimes he "sinks into my seat" when Gagnon goes off on one of his beer-fueled, profanity-laced tirades.

"I know I'm responsible for him -- I buy his beer because he never has any money -- but I'm human, too. I don't always want people to know I'm with Darrell."

Michael said the two met at a Bulls game during last season's playoffs.

"Darrell was bumming a ride back from the stadium after the game," Michael explained. "I thought it was kind of dangerous, to have him out there, in traffic, trying to flag someone down. So I ran out there, grabbed his arm, and pulled him back onto the curb."

The two forged an almost immediate bond -- with Michael's Internet career being fascinating to Gagnon.

"Actually, Darrell wanted to know if I'd ever designed any porn sites," Michael said. "Then he'd call me or IM me several times a day, wondering if I could get him into several adult sites without actually buying a membership."

Michael was unable to help satisfy Gagnon's perverted desires, but that didn't stop the two fans from becoming friends.

"Darrell knows I always got his back," Michael said. "The dude's got nobody else, really. His mom -- he doesn't even know where she is. And his dad, he thinks, is doing time somewhere."

Gagnon, after making his way back to his seat for the second period, echoed Michael's support.

"JUSTIN!! WHOO-HOO!! YEAH!", he screamed before being told to sit down and shut up.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Actor, Singer, Host John Davidson "Couldn't Be Prouder" Of His University's NCAA Run

Las Vegas, NV. (Mar. 24) - Actor, singer, talk show and game show host John Davidson says he "couldn't be prouder" of what Davidson University, named after him, has done in the NCAA basketball tournament.

Tenth-seeded Davidson -- the school -- upset no. 4 seed Georgetown yesterday to advance to the tourney's Sweet 16, reaching the Midwest Regional Final Four.

And the school's namesake spoke out about the success before a show last night at Caesars Palace.

"Thrilled ... just thrilled. I knew those young men could do it," the 66-year-old Davidson said. "The school was supposed to initially be targeting the fine arts, but a few years ago they said a few of the kids were fooling around with basketball, and would I mind if that was added to the curriculum.

"I'm glad I gave the go-ahead," Davidson said of adding basketball to the school's athletic program in 1999. The sport joined billiards, darts, slow-pitch softball, and intramural volleyball in time for the 2000-01 season.

Davidson said he "caught a few minutes" of the win over Georgetown "in between rehearsal sets", but that he hoped to be in Detroit for the school's next game -- Friday against Wisconsin.

"Tell those kids that Mr. Davidson wants to see the scrappiest, spunkiest group of young men to ever lace up a basketball," Davidson said in a statement released by his publicist. "I'm looking forward to seeing Steven Carry shoot that ball," Davidson said in the statement, apparently referring to star guard Stephen Curry.

Davidson, 28-6, won the Southern Conference, besting schools such as Winfrey College, Van Halen State, and the Joey Bishop College of Comedy.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Red Sox Players Unsure Whether This Stupid Japan Trip Even Counts In Standings

Tokyo (Mar. 21) - Landing in Japan yesterday, the Boston Red Sox expressed confusion, anger, and resentment as they prepared to play the Oakland Athletics on Tuesday, in what is apparently the opening of the MLB season.

But the Red Sox are unsure about that.

"I don't know why the heck we're even here," said catcher Jason Varitek, his eyes glazed over as he stepped off the team's charter following 27 hours in the air, a trip which covered a dozen time zones and in which the date changed at least twice. "What day is it, anyway?"

The Red Sox are slated to play the A's on Tuesday, but the Red Sox are still "fuzzy" about whether the game counts in the regular season standings, according to team spokesman Darrell Horner.

"I THINK it does," said Horner after pausing for several seconds before answering. But then Horner sighed, asked for a moment, rubbed his temples, and added. "You know what? I better get back to you on that, actually."

If the games in Japan do, indeed, count, it would be the earliest the MLB season has ever opened. The other 28 teams don't open until March 31.

"This is bull****," groused third baseman Mike Lowell. "I mean, come on! I'm still working out the kinks in my swing, and I'm still trying to lose some of this paunch from the winter. Frankly, I think we're just here because of that Dice-K guy."

Lowell was referring to pitcher and Japanese native Daisuke Matsuzaka, who's being lavished with media attention and geisha girls constantly, according to sources. Matsuzaka's teammates suspect that the Japan trip is solely for his benefit, so he can "be all Japanese and s*** and nobody will care," according to a player who requested anonymity.

Dice-K smiled and said, "Good to be home," upon leaving the airport tarmac, where he was met by dozens of reporters with cameras around their necks. Then he added as he made his way to the terminal, "Everyone here very nice to me."

Matsuzaka appeared to be the only Red Sox player who was enjoying, or even understanding the relevance of the trip.

"I tell you what, these games better count or I'm gonna bust up the place," said first baseman David Ortiz. "Do they count or not?!"

Horner, within earshot of Ortiz, said, "I don't KNOW! God, let me think for a second!"

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Bob Knight Ejected From ESPN Set Of "Bracketology"

Bristol, CT. (Mar. 19) - Fiery former college basketball coach Bob Knight was hit with three quick technical fouls and ejected from the set of ESPN's "Bracketology" show, where he's serving as an expert commentator.

"You can all kiss my ass!" Knight screamed as he yanked off his lavalier microphone and stormed off the set, moments after being t'd up by "Bracketology" producers.

The manic Knight, who abruptly resigned as Texas Tech's coach in January, became incensed when co-commentator Jay Bilas started talking about the so-called "bubble teams" -- the ones that may or may not make the NCAA Tournament.

After Bilas talked about Arizona State, Knight leapt from his chair.

"That's a load of bull****, and you know it, Jay!" Knight bellowed, hands on his hips. Then, gesturing wildly, Knight went on a 35-second rant, in which he used the words "ass", "G**damn", "f***ing" and "son of a bitch" a combined 27 times.

After his tirade, Knight was given the three technical fouls by producer Stewart Granke, who then gave Knight the heave-ho.

Enraged by comments made by ESPN's Jay Bilas, Knight reacts before being ejected

On his way out of the studio, Knight kicked over a trash can, shoved a chair out of his way, and inadvertently knocked down an ESPN intern.

Granke said Knight might be suspended, pending review of the tape of the rant.

Knight was unavailable for comment afterward, but he was seen speeding out of the ESPN parking lot, giving onlookers the finger.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Tiger Woods Announces 2008 Victory Tour Dates

Orlando, FL. (Mar. 17) - Moments after winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational with a dramatic, 25-foot birdie putt for his fifth straight PGA Tour victory, Tiger Woods revealed the dates of the remainder of his 2008 wins.

"I shall win the Masters again," Woods said after reporters hushed. "Then I will win the following tournaments," he added, pulling a small piece of paper from his back pocket.

"The Byron Nelson Championship in Irving, Texas," Woods said, looking up at reporters after mentioning each tournament. "The Players Championship in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. The Stanford St. Jude Classic in Tennessee. The U.S. Open in San Diego. The Buick Open in Grand Blanc, Michigan." Woods cleared his throat, said, "Mmm...pardon me," before continuing. "The AT&T National in Bethesda, Maryland. The British Open in Lancashire. The PGA Championship at Oakland Hills in Michigan."

Woods pumps his fist, on his way to yesterday's planned win at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, which he announced would happen back in January

When it was pointed out that the 2008 victory schedule meant he would be capturing the Grand Slam, Woods simply nodded and said softly, "That's correct."

Woods announced that beyond the PGA, he wasn't sure which tournaments he would win, explaining that his personal schedule hadn't been made that far out.

Woods said that details of his victories, such as by how many strokes, under what conditions, and whether he would need to come from behind in any of them, would be revealed "soon."

"Meanwhile, I just want to enjoy this walk-off win, which if you remember, I announced in a press release back in January," Woods added.

With that, Woods left, refusing to accept the trophy from Palmer, explaining that "it's just going to go downstairs and get lost in all the clutter."

Friday, March 14, 2008

Guy Down The Aisle At Clippers Game Just Got Up AGAIN, Others In Aisle Report

Los Angeles, CA (Mar. 14) - Ticketholders in row 24, section 214A at the Staples Center have reported "that guy down the aisle just got up AGAIN," forcing everyone to stand up to let him through.

The complaint comes with 5:22 left in the third quarter of the Los Angeles Clippers' game against the Golden State Warriors.

"That guy...I can't believe he's getting up AGAIN," an exasperated Gary Collins, 34, told friends.

The guy, some overweight, clumsy dude in his 30s, has gotten up "way too many times" to suit the other ticketholders in his aisle.

"I can see a couple times, you know for going to the bathroom or getting something to eat or whatever, but this guy is like, off the charts!" according to Diane Friesen, 41, who's attending the game with her husband and two children.

The ticketholders think the guy might have "some sort of condition or something."

Looking up at the scoreboard, that guy gets up again

"Maybe he can't hold it," said Kyle Overton, sitting three seats to the guy's left. "But at the same time, he only came back with something to drink once. So I don't know."

Witnesses say the guy came back once with popcorn and a soft drink, once with a game program, and several times with nothing at all.

"All I know is, he's so f***ing big that when he comes by, it's not enough to just stand," said Collins. "You have to like, turn your body and squeeze yourself against your seat to let the dude through. And even then, his elbows and gut rub against you.

"He's like the jack-in-the-box from hell," Collins added.

The fans in the guy's row "can't wait" for the game to be over, or for him to "kiel over in the bathroom or something", in order for their game-long nightmare to end.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Report: More and More Ballplayers Being Delayed From Spring Training By American Express Problems

Clearwater, FL (Mar. 12) - The spring training tradition of Latin ballplayers being delayed from reporting to their clubs due to Visa problems has taken on a different twist, according to new reports.

More and more players are now being delayed by American Express problems, says baseball financial expert Richard Sorensen.

"We're seeing a dramatic increase in ballplayers -- American players, specifically -- arriving late to their spring camps due to American Express problems," Sorensen said in an exclusive interview with Spoiled Sports.

The problems vary, Sorensen says -- ranging from billing concerns to disputes over purchases that the ballplayers say were never made.

"American Express has been losing its way when it comes to customer service," Sorensen said.

Sorensen says the problem rears its head during the beginning of spring training due to the company's billing cycle.

"Typically, Amex (shorthand version) sends out its bills the second week of February," Sorensen explained. "And that's right when ballplayers are packing and getting ready to head to Florida or Arizona. The timing is bad. So the players are trying to deal with these problems, which makes them late for camp."

Sorensen cited Tigers outfielder/DH Gary Sheffield.

"Sheffield was two days late because of American Express problems," Sorensen said. "Apparently a payment he made crossed in the mail, and Sheffield had a very bad experience with what he called 'snotty' customer service reps. So he was late."

American Express spokesperson Mary Reilly said that the "problems" are largely the fault of the players themselves.

"American Express prides itself on its customer service," Reilly said. "Ballplayers are men. Men are notorious procrastinators. So they don't alert us to any concerns until they're in their big, expensive cars and SUVs, driving to Florida or wherever. They're the ones that are snotty, let me tell you!"

Sorensen said a record 44 ballplayers were late to camp because of American Express problems, including new Marlins catcher Mike Rabelo, who is still hung up at his home in Durham, NC.

"Rabelo has serious issues with American Express," Sorensen said. "They have to go back, like, six months to find some billing errors. It's a real nightmare."

Sorensen said Rabelo hopes to report to Marlins camp by the weekend, "if all goes well."

Monday, March 10, 2008

Aaron Rodgers Wants Out Of NFL As A Conscientious Objector

Green Bay, WI. (Mar. 10) - Citing his belief that his NFL tour of duty was in "peace time" and thus not subject to action on the field of play, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has petitioned the league to let him out of his professional football commitment.

"This is not what I signed up for," Rodgers said in the wake of the news that longtime QB Brett Favre has retired after 16 seasons with the Packers. "I joined the Packers during peace time. I was told that Brett was the quarterback, that he would always BE the quarterback, and that I would be relegated to desk and clipboard duty. Which I was totally down with."

Rodgers, though, has now been thrust into the role of starting quarterback with Favre's retirement. And he believes that violates the terms of his NFL tour of duty.

"I was promised a football education, travel, and discipline," Rodgers told reporters outside the Packers' practice facility yesterday. "Nobody said anything about me actually playing.

"I'm telling you, that if I was told I'd have to play, I wouldn't have joined. I don't like violence, frankly."

So Rodgers is citing conscientious objector status as his reason for being allowed out of his NFL agreement.

"I know there's a draft. But I was drafted during PEACE TIME. Don't you get it?"

Rodgers, on Day One of his peace time NFL tour of duty

Rodgers, who says he's never even had to have his jersey laundered since being picked by the Packers in 2005, apparently underestimated the effect Favre's retirement would have on him personally.

"I naturally assumed that they'd be signing or trading for another quarterback," he told reporters. "You know, kind of like when your teacher retires. They don't make the student the teacher. You see what I mean? It's crazy."

But then reports surfaced that Rodgers, indeed, would be the Packers' signal-caller in 2008 -- which floored him.

"A complete violation of my agreement," Rodgers said. "I will not rest, and I will not stop my fight, until I am once again benched in favor of another quarterback."

"You can't just do this to someone. Someone has to take a stand against these big NFL teams. I guess it's going to be me."

Rodgers says that if his try is unsuccessful, then he'll do the next honorable thing.

"I'll move to Canada, and hold a clipboard there."

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Longtime Baseball Fan Remembers "Good Old Days" When Alcoholism Ran Rampant

Glens Falls, NY (Mar. 5) - In this sleepy hamlet in upstate New York, longtime baseball fan and retired meat packer Virgil Horne leans back in "his" chair -- the 25-year-old La-Z-Boy recliner, and thinks back to a simpler time in the history of the national pastime.

"I wish we could go back in time and return to the days of good, old-fashioned alcoholism," Horne says to his visitor. "Baseball scandals have gotten way too complicated for my blood. I wouldn't know a steroid if it jumped up and bit me in the ass."

Horne wistfully recalls players like Yankees relief pitcher Ryne Duren, Angels pitcher Bo Belinsky, and Cleveland Indians phenom Joe Charboneau.

"Drunk as skunks," Horne says of this trio, and those of their ilk. "You didn't have to have a PhD in chemistry to follow along with off-the-field troubles in my day."

Virgil Horne

Horne also pointed to what he referred to as the "harmless fun" alcoholic ballplayers engaged in.

"Duren would warm up and throw the first pitch over the G--damn backstop. And you didn't know if he was doing it on purpose or because he was soused. Belinsky -- now THERE was a character. Why, he'd be out with the ladies to all hours of the night, stroll in at seven in the morning, and go out and pitch that night, usually getting knocked out in the fourth inning.

"Good times, good times," he says with a nostalgic sigh.

Today, Horne says, the ballplayers are spreading themselves too thin with bad behavior. He wishes they'd "dumb it down", especially for "oldtimers like me."

"I tell ya, I can't keep up with some of these ne'er-do-wells," says Horne. "Tax evasion, the steroids thing. Internet gambling. INTERNET GAMBLING? How the heck does THAT work, anyway? Sheesh!"

Horne says he barely follows baseball anymore because of what he calls a "retreat from good old baseball values" like "getting completely hammered" in between games of a doubleheader.

"They don't even PLAY doubleheaders anymore," Horne says with a look of disgust. "Let alone drink like a fish between games. It's just not the same."

Horne remembers fondly a game he attended in which Charboneau was "clearly shnockered."

"I saw the Indians when they came to New York," he says. "Charboneau must have had quite a night the night before, because he was still out of it the next day. There was a high pop up, and he circled underneath it, then just went down like a house of cards. Then he threw up a little.

"Now it's all taking place in courts and rehab centers. Any ballplayer in my day worth his salt wouldn't be caught dead in any 'rehab center.' No sir. He'd be labeled a pussy."

Horne says he might give baseball another shot this year.

"But as soon as I hear about this HGH, then I'm done. For good this time. What's wrong with Johnny Walker Red Label?"

Monday, March 3, 2008

Kobe Bryant: It's "Cute" That Lakers Still Think He Needs Teammates

Los Angeles, CA (Mar. 3) - Moments after leading his Los Angeles Lakers to a 108-104 overtime victory over the Dallas Mavericks, scoring 52 points, superstar Kobe Bryant said yesterday that it's "cute" how management still thinks he needs talented teammates surrounding him.

"They're so naive. It's actually kind of endearing, and cute," Bryant said of the team's repeated attempts to provide him with top-shelf talent. "But that's OK. Bless their heart, but I'm fine, really. As long as I get the ball all the time and y'all get out of my way, you can have as many great players out there with me as you want. It won't change things."

The Lakers added Pau Gasol from the Memphis Grizzlies in a trade last month, a move Bryant termed as "adorable."

Bryant took 27 shots yesterday to Gasol's 14, and played 51 of 53 minutes against the Mavericks, to Gasol's 44.

"That was nice," Bryant said of the Gasol trade, "but they shouldn't have gone to all that trouble."

Bryant (right) smiles at the cuteness of the ultimately unnecessary efforts of Gasol (left) in a recent game

In yesterday's thriller, Bryant scowled whenever a teammate dared to touch the ball, at one point even taking the ball from Derek Fisher's hands and swatting him on the back of the head in a blatant act of scolding.

Coach Phil Jackson called Bryant's performance, "Selfish, boorish, bullying, and disgusting." But he then quickly added, "Which is exactly what this team needs right now."

Fisher, after the game, dismissed reporters who suggested that Bryant's public head-swatting was inappropriate.

"I lost my mind for a moment, man," Fisher said when describing the incident. "I was nearly 22 feet from the hoop, which I KNOW is Kobe territory. I should have given the ball up. No question. My bad. It'll never happen again."

Bryant added that future attempts by management to add, "quote-unquote 'missing pieces'," in his words, would be met with his derision -- but also empathy.

"I forgive them, for they do not know what they do," Bryant said.