NHL To Hold Some Sort Of Outdoor Event Thingie

Chicago, IL. (Dec. 22) - Curious onlookers have been gathering in recent days near Wrigley Field as quite a lot of activity, very unusual for this time of year, has been taking place around the ballpark.

Sources theorize that the goings-on have something to do with the National Hockey League, believe it or not.

"I saw some trucks with 'NHL' on them," said Dennis Coleman, 36, who works as an accountant near the stadium, as he stopped for a moment to look at workers moving in and out of the ballpark, usually dormant around Christmas time. He said he was on his lunch break.

Coleman and others who refused to be identified said that they heard the NHL was planning to "put something on" inside Wrigley.

"If you ask me, it looks like something pretty big," one onlooker said. "All these trucks and stuff."

Whatever it is, it clearly will be happening outside, which confused many North Side residents who passed by.

"Who the f*** would want to be at Wrigley Field NOW?," one man said. "It's five freaking degrees out. I mean, Jesus H. Christ!"

Rumors then quickly spread that the activity was in preparation of an outdoor NHL event, perhaps even a game.

"You gotta be sh****** me," a local beat cop said. "A GAME? Outdoors? In December?"

A financial planner who would only reveal his first name, Robert, went on his BlackBerry and did some quick research as he waited for the El train.

"New Year's Day! Outdoor game! Blackhawks and Red Wings!" he shouted as he got onto the train.

That information left the dozen or so gawkers in disbelief.

Phone calls placed to the NHL offices in New York were met with a recorded greeting that said the league would be back "after the holidays."

Town Hall Meetings To Decide Tense Hockey Race

Detroit, MI. (May 21) - This blue-collar midwestern city will soon be the focal point of a convention of ice hockey enthusiasts who will converge to help decide the championship of the National Hockey League (NHL) via a series of Town Hall meetings.

Delegates representing the Western Conference of the NHL have begun arriving, ostensibly to throw their support behind the Detroit Red Wings, assuming they vote along conference lines. Delegates representing the Eastern Conference, expected here tomorrow, are expected to back the hockey club from Pittsburgh, named the Penguins. But as it goes with conventions of this type, nothing is certain.

"I've seen these things tilt the opposite way that you think," said western delegate Sam Robbins of Aurora, OH, who says he's leaning toward the Red Wings. "But who knows? Maybe something will happen during these meetings to change my mind, and the minds of others."


Delegate Sam Robbins, with the stage of Saturday's town hall meeting in the background


Beginning Saturday evening at 8:00, delegates will be in attendance as personnel from the Red Wings and Penguins take the stage in the city's historic Joe Louis Arena to engage in a lively discussion about why their team should be crowned as champion and thus presented with the Stanley Cup, the symbol of NHL supremacy. Meeting 2 is set for Monday night at the arena in Detroit, with the scene shifting to Pittsburgh for Meeting 3 next Wednesday. The cities are sharing in the hosting of the town hall meetings in the interest of fairness. Analysts predict that it may take as many as seven meetings to declare a winner.

"But if renegade attempts are made to crash the meetings, as has been rumored, by a contingent from Philadelphia and another from Dallas, then all bets are off," Robbins said. The teams from those two cities are recognized by their supporters as being worthy championship candidates as well, though it's doubtful whether they'll be seated in the meetings.

The town hall meetings will be moderated by NBC's Tim Russert and Mike Emrick, along with longtime hockey essayist Barry Melrose.

"It'll be our jobs to make sure the teams answer the hard questions that hockey observers want answered," said Russert, who's said to be "boning up on" such issues as which team has more secondary scoring and better penalty killers.

Penguins up-and-coming leader Sidney Crosby has been attracting the young vote, while such Red Wings veterans as Chris Chelios and Kris Draper appeal to an older, more conservative sector. Melrose can't wait.

"This is the matchup all the hockey pundits wanted to see," Melrose said in a conference call attended by three other people. "Some say it would be best if the Red Wings and Penguins joined forces to form a 'dream team,' but I don't think either team would be satisfied with second banana status," Melrose added. "I say let them fight it out at the meetings."

Attendance will be ensured with promises of free food and drink by way of vouchers handed out at street corners, fast food restaurants, and your daughter's school.

Struggling NHL To Change Name Of Sport To "Arena Hockey"

New York, NY. (Apr. 11) - The National Hockey League, taking a cue from the success of the indoor version of American football, plans to call itself Arena Hockey next season.

"Clearly, the Arena Football League (AFL) has been able to ride on the coattails of the NFL for over a decade now," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman at a press conference yesterday -- which was purposely held in a local hockey arena called Madison Square Garden to emphasize the symbolism of the league's new direction. "So why can't the NHL ride on the coattails of the AFL?"

Under the new plan, the NHL will now be known by the acronym AH. Bettman explained that the NHL couldn't change to AHL, because that name's already taken by the American Hockey League, a minor league affiliate who would only change if the NHL "ponied up some dough", which it was unable to do.

"Plus, it's easier to say 'Ah,'" Bettman added.

Bettman said that new logos, licensed apparel, and stationery will soon be introduced denoting the league's name change.


Computer-generated peek at what Arena Hockey might look like, according to an image released yesterday by the NHL


AH will also introduce some rules changes to more accurately reflect what Bettman called "the rough-and-tumble, in-your-face nature of the game's new arena version." Those changes will include bodychecking into the boards, players sitting on benches behind the boards, and the option of ricocheting the puck off the boards in order to advance it. When it was pointed out to Bettman that those things already exist in the soon-to-be defunct NHL, Bettman glared at the reporter and said, "Shut up."

The AH will begin play in October with 30 franchises, in towns such as Montreal, New York, Boston, Calgary, and 26 others.

Sober, Ruly Fan And Drunk, Unruly Fan Form Unlikely Bond

Chicago, IL. (Mar. 26) - Rooting for the Second City's sports teams has been the common denominator in an unlikely bond that is forming between Justin Michael, a clean, sober, 25-year-old Web designer, and Darrell Gagnon, an almost constantly inebriated, unemployed 29-year-old.

"Justin's a real cool dude," Gagnon said in between periods of a recent Blackhawks game, as he half-slumped against a restroom door, shnockered, while Michael stood in line for beer -- Gagnon's -- and his own nachos. "He's like, awesome, man. Justin rocks!," Gagnon added before a dizzy spell nearly sent him to the floor.

For his part, Michael shrugs off his new friend's loud, obnoxious behavior at sporting events.

"Darrell doesn't mean half of what he says. Maybe not even a quarter. I'd say he means about 22 percent of what he says. He's a real nice guy, deep down. So when he berated Bears quarterback Rex Grossman about his wheelchair-bound, learning disabled nephew, it was mainly the beer talking," Michael says.

Gagnon, who doesn't recall the Grossman incident, or much of anything previous to last Thursday, agreed.

"I just get a little excited, man. I'm like REALLY into it. The beer makes me louder, that's all," Gagnon said as he waddled into the concourse at the United Center, clumsily bumping into several fans, some of whom he responded to with a hearty "Hawks RULE!"



Justin Michael (top) and unlikely friend Darrell Gagnon (bottom)


Michael admits that sometimes he "sinks into my seat" when Gagnon goes off on one of his beer-fueled, profanity-laced tirades.

"I know I'm responsible for him -- I buy his beer because he never has any money -- but I'm human, too. I don't always want people to know I'm with Darrell."

Michael said the two met at a Bulls game during last season's playoffs.

"Darrell was bumming a ride back from the stadium after the game," Michael explained. "I thought it was kind of dangerous, to have him out there, in traffic, trying to flag someone down. So I ran out there, grabbed his arm, and pulled him back onto the curb."

The two forged an almost immediate bond -- with Michael's Internet career being fascinating to Gagnon.

"Actually, Darrell wanted to know if I'd ever designed any porn sites," Michael said. "Then he'd call me or IM me several times a day, wondering if I could get him into several adult sites without actually buying a membership."

Michael was unable to help satisfy Gagnon's perverted desires, but that didn't stop the two fans from becoming friends.

"Darrell knows I always got his back," Michael said. "The dude's got nobody else, really. His mom -- he doesn't even know where she is. And his dad, he thinks, is doing time somewhere."

Gagnon, after making his way back to his seat for the second period, echoed Michael's support.

"JUSTIN!! WHOO-HOO!! YEAH!", he screamed before being told to sit down and shut up.

NHL Red-Faced As It Learns Versus Not REALLY A Network At All

New York, NY (Feb. 20) - The National Hockey League, for years trying to find a foothold in the medium of television, suffered another humiliating blow to its already-fragile credibility when it was revealed that Versus, the tiny network currently carrying NHL games, is not really a network at all.

"I'm most dreadfully embarrassed," said league Commissioner Gary Bettman at a news conference yesterday. "We were misled."

Versus, it turns out, is instead a public access cable station based out of Teaneck, NJ that was able to use an old microwave uplink from 17-year-old Danny Whalen's dad's former communications consulting company to transmit the "network's" signal to the over 10,000 homes that receive Versus.

"That Whalen kid ... pretty damn slick," Bettman said, sighing and shaking his head as he could barely bring himself to make eye contact with reporters.


An embarrassed-beyond-belief NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman tries to explain how the league could have been duped by some teenagers into thinking it was broadcasting games on an actual network for almost two seasons


Whalen and his friend, 16-year-old Seth Husted, pirated game broadcasts and, using a MacIntosh computer program, placed the totally made up Versus "logos" and graphics over them.

"It started out as a joke one night," Whalen said on his way home from Teaneck High School yesterday. "Seth says, 'You think we can do this?' He's always up for some sort of reason to use this new Mac software he bought."

According to Whalen, the ruse began a year ago September, when his older cousin, Bernie, tabbed some actors from his community theater group to play the roles of Versus executives. A meeting was arranged with the TV-hungry NHL, and the league quickly agreed to go with Versus, failing to do even the slightest due diligence.

"When Bernie texted me that he was sitting in Bettman's office, I about s**t my pants," Whalen said, giggling. "I was like, 'We might actually pull this off.' "

Of course, getting Bettman's approval was only Step One. Next, the youngsters had to put into motion the technical part of the plan, which involved Husted's computer genius.

Before long, the boys were "broadcasting" games on the bogus network.

"Network" on-air talent such as Bill Clement, Keith Jones, and Brian Engblom assumed that their work was being seen by millions, when in fact it was just 8-10,000 per night -- depending on the reliability of Whalen's dad's outdated microwave transmitter.

"Some nights we can hit 10 K, but if it's bad out, it's more like 6 K," Whalen explained.

Bettman announced the firing of media buyer Leslie Thornblatt and her assistant in the wake of the revelation, which came after Whalen "couldn't keep fooling the league anymore" and sent an e-mail to NHL offices.

"To our thousands of fans, I apologize," Bettman said. "You expect more from us."

Not really, according to sports analyst Bill Berg.

"The league hasn't really disappointed here," Berg said. "In fact, this is pretty much par for the course."

Whalen said he and his friends would continue to broadcast games on "Versus" thru the end of the regular season, to help the NHL save face.

"I guess we owe that much to them," Whalen said as he tossed his backpack onto the kitchen counter.

Canadiens Regain Power In NHL After Bloodless Coup

Seize Stanley Cup After 15-Year Exile

New York, NY (Dec. 3) - The Montreal Canadiens, that tradition-rich hockey franchise, returned from a 15-year exile and reclaimed the Stanley Cup in a bloodless, swift coup yesterday at league offices.

"Le Cup du Stanley est avec les Habitants!," shouted defenseman Mathieu Dandenault as he held aloft hockey's Holy Grail inside the office of commissioner Gary Bettman, which was seized by Dandenault and his teammates, who were dressed as the 1965 Canadiens for effect, yesterday around 1:45 P.M.

The Montreal Canadiens, disguised as the 1965 champions, pose with their newly seized Stanley Cup yesterday

The Canadiens, who last won the Cup in 1993, had been dormant for so long that many hockey observers figured they were either seceding their rights to the trophy and league supremacy, or were plotting a return to power. Obviously, yesterday's actions confirmed that it was the latter.

"We have the Stanley Cup. We hereby declare ourselves hockey's new power," forward Saku Koivu announced, speaking thru a megaphone to the bystanders below in Manhattan. "The most glorified trophy in all of sports is now where it deserves to be."

"The Montreal Canadiens stormed the league office at approximately 1:30 this afternoon," according to a statement released by the NHL. "They were heavily armed with hockey sticks and skate blades, but there was no violence. Mr. Bettman surrendered his office, and the Stanley Cup, about three minutes after their arrival."

"This confirms the chatter that I'd been hearing," said hockey analyst Bill Clement of the Versus Network. "We'd been getting intelligence that the Canadiens were plotting an overthrow and a return to their past glories."

The reigning Cup champs, the Anaheim Ducks, also weren't injured in the coup.

"I'm fine," said captain Chris Pronger. "So is everyone else. We were practicing when we heard about it. " He then added, "Well, it (being Cup champs) was fun while it lasted. I think everyone suspected the Canadiens would rise again. It's been too long."

Yesterday's seizing of the Cup now gives the Canadiens franchise 27 championship trophies in their illustrious history.

After spending some time filling the Cup with beer and champagne and drinking from it, Koivu and his new championship teammates planned to return to Montreal for a parade, which will be held Tuesday afternoon.

Bettman was briefly detained by Canadiens defenseman Patrice Brisebois, who held Bettman at arm's length by gripping the commissioner's forehead while Bettman flailed uselessly with his arms. Then he was hung on a coat hook by the back of his jacket before the players fled.

Versus To NHL: Add Ice Fishing, Or Be Dropped

League reportedly weighing ultimatum

New York, NY (Oct. 25) - Versus, the tiny cable network that's beamed into thousands of homes across the country, has issued an ultimatum to the struggling NHL: add ice fishing to your product or we will dump you.

"After looking at our programming lineup, we feel the NHL just isn't fitting well into our theme," Versus VP of Programming Butch Philpot said yesterday at a press conference called at a rabbit-hunting excursion. "But we have given the league an option in order that they remain on our airwaves."

That "option" is to incorporate ice fishing into every NHL game that appears on Versus.

"Easy fix," Philpot said.

When told that NHL arenas are indoors, Philpot wasn't moved.

"Where there's a will, there's a way," Philpot said before hushing reporters after hearing some rabbit movement in a nearby clearing.

The Versus ultimatum is yet another blow to the NHL, which was in effect kicked off ESPN because of ratings that were "not only in the toilet, but in the sewage system," Philpot said smugly.

The league is already being chastised for airing its games on Versus, which is primarily an outdoor/extreme sports network, available in nearly 10,000 homes in the U.S.

Versus studio anchor Bill Clement said of the ultimatum, "Personally, I think a between-periods ice fishing competition between, say, Alexander Ovechkin and Dany Heatley isn't a bad idea. But then again, that's just me -- and I don't want to lose my job."

The league is reportedly weighing the ultimatum at their Manhattan headquarters. Sources close to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman say the league is drawing up a counteroffer that would enable the ice fishermen to cross check each other, or engage in otherwise physically aggressive activity while fishing.

Ratings for NHL games on Versus haven't been recorded by traditional, electronic and technological means. Rather, the homes receiving the Versus signal have been visited, door-to-door, each night the NHL airs. Ratings for last week indicated 5% of Versus homes watching hockey, with 95% "unaware" that they could view Versus at all.

Philpot said a new door-to-door poll will be conducted next week, asking customers if they would be more likely to watch the NHL if it incorporated ice fishing.

Thrashers Replace Bob Hartley With Howard Borden

Atlanta, GA (Oct. 22) - In a move that Atlanta Thrashers GM Don Waddell said was "completely coincidental," the team has hired Howard Borden as its new coach.

Borden replaces Bob Hartley, who was fired last week after an 0-6 start. Waddell had been coaching the team on an interim basis.

Hartley, the former Colorado Avalanche coach (and Stanley Cup winner in 2001), shares the same moniker as the fictitious psychologist played by Bob Newhart on the successful TV show of the 1970s. And now the Thrashers bring in Borden, who shares the same name as Newhart's co-star, Bill Daily's offbeat patient on the series.

"Completely coincidental," Waddell said as he announced the hiring of Borden, who had been a minor league coach "somewhere." Borden's resume wasn't made immediately public, leading to speculation that his hiring was more of a nod to the lovable TV character and less because of his actual hockey coaching experience.


This, apparently, is NOT the Thrashers' new coach, but questions remain

Why the team would repeat the practice of hiring a TV character name was unclear, because the Thrashers hadn't won much of anything under Hartley. The team had a nice regular season in 2006-07, but were swept by the New York Rangers in the first round of the playoffs -- a series in which they never led in any game, never came close to leading in any game, and in fact were even down, 1-0 before Game 3 even started (a first in the NHL).

Borden wasn't with Waddell when the GM announced his hiring. The team said Borden would be made available "soon", leading to more head-scratching.

Attempts to reach TV star Daily were met with a spokesman for the actor, who said Daily was "out of town indefinitely." This led to more chatter that the Thrashers had in fact hired Daily and not someone really named Howard Borden.

The Thrashers were 1-1 under Waddell.

Red Wings' Chelios Figures He Has Only Ten More Good Years Left

Detroit, MI. (Oct. 12) - Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios, 45, said after the team's game Wednesday night that he fears he has but one more decade left in his body.

"It's getting closer," Chelios said of retirement. "I figure I've got about ten more good years left, and that's it."

When told that playing ten more years would make him 56 upon retirement, and give him well over 30 years of NHL seniority, the irascible defenseman sneered at the reporter who said it.

"And your point is?," Chelios said.

Chelios moved into eight place in all-time games played this week when he surpassed Alex Delvecchio with his 1,550th game played. But he has higher aspirations.

"Where am I at, 1,550? Cripes sake. When I'm done I wanna be damn near 2,200," Chelios said of his goal for games played in the NHL.


Chelios would like to repeat this scene from 2002 a few more times before hanging up his skates in 2018

In fact, Chelios said he'd like to move to forward and be on the Red Wings' no. 1 line.

"You've seen what I've been doing offensively," Chelios said, referring to his goal-scoring prowess in the pre-season, and his goal against Edmonton Monday. "Put me with Hank and Pavs, and you'll REALLY see what I can do," he said of star forwards Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk.

When a reporter said that Chelios had exactly zero goals last season, the 23-year veteran responded by crunching him against the locker room wall with a brutal body check.

"Any other stat geeks want to ask a question?," Chelios then remarked.

After practice yesterday, Chelios raved about his physical conditioning.

"Really, I feel good. I feel like I have the body of a 36-year-old, which means I'll have the body of a 46-year-old when I retire in ten years, which is basically how old I am now, so I don't know what the big deal is, because I'm playing right now at 46 -- so why can't I play at 46 in ten years?," Chelios said to glassy-eyed reporters in the team's locker room.

Still, Chelios expressed a sense of urgency about his career.

"I'm in the twilight now," he said. "Well, maybe I'm approaching dusk. More like around 8:45 or so on a summer night. Is that twilight or dusk? I'm not good with science, but I do know this: I have maybe ten years, tops -- and then I'll have to seriously consider retirement."

When Chelios broke into the league, Ronald Reagan was president.

"Yeah, well he's dead now," Chelios said of Reagan, chuckling. "So what does that say about me?"

The oldest NHL player ever is Gordie Howe, who played for the Hartford Whalers at age 52, in 1980.

Chelios added that after he's done playing hockey, he'd like to try something else.

"I hear you can be a productive bocce ball player well into your 60s," he said.