Monday, November 19, 2007

Bored Patriots To Take Rest Of Schedule "Two Games at a Time"

Foxboro, MA (Nov. 19) - Eschewing the time-honored tradition of playing games one at a time, the unbeaten, powerful New England Patriots announced after yesterday's 56-10 trouncing of the Buffalo Bills that they will play their remaining six games two at a time.

"We just want to get this 16-0 season over with," quarterback Tom Brady said moments after throwing five TD passes against the Bills. Brady spoke as he changed from his football uniform directly into his street clothes, telling reporters that "I showered before the game, so I'm cool."

The Patriots are 10-0, are averaging 41.1 points per game, and consistently beat the crap out of every team they play. The only exception was their much-ballyhooed game against the Indianapolis Colts -- when the Pats had to appear interested in the fourth quarter for the first time all season.

Citing the Colts game as a "wake up call", Patriots coach Bill Belichick implored his team to have no mercy on the Bills, opening up a 42-7 lead before the National Anthem.

"That was key," wide receiver Randy Moss said of the pre-game offensive explosion. "That enabled us to get caught up on some personal matters during the game. You know, the typical stuff you have to deal with during the week of Thanksgiving."

Brady threw three of his TD passes while text messaging his family members about last-minute holiday grocery shopping and answering e-mails from his blog. Moss, who smartly used the time between plays to choose a stuffing recipe, also multi-tasked when he scored his four touchdowns -- telling his mother that the number of TDs he scores would equal the amount of pies she should make.

But the Patriots were restless after the game, leading to Belichick's declaration that the remaining six games on his team's schedule would be completed in three weeks, instead of the customary six.

"All this anticipation, I'm sick of it," the coach said, in reference to matching the 1972 Dolphins as the NFL's other unbeaten, untied team in the modern era. "Let's just do it, already. Cripe!"

"It'll be nice to have most of December off," added Brady. The Patriots will complete their perfect season with a doubleheader sweep over Miami and the New York Giants on Dec. 9. "It'll provide more time for shopping and putting up decorations."

Bills coach Dick Jauron, who was admitted to a local psychiatric ward for trauma after the game, said thru a spokesman that "all those who chose to oppose the shield must yield," referring to Brady, who Jauron likened to Captain America.

The Patriots, under their new paradigm, will defeat both the Philadelphia Eagles and Baltimore Ravens next Sunday.

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