Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Doctors Have No Idea What Tommy John Surgery Was Called Before Tommy John

Press Conference in chaos; reporter killed

Atlanta, GA (Nov. 20) - A press conference discussing the latest MLB pitcher to have Tommy John surgery was stopped in its tracks when the question arose as to what the surgery was called before Tommy John came along.

"Gosh, you know what? I don't know!," noted arm surgeon Dr. James Andrews said, rubbing his chin. "Huh!"

"Wow," added Dr. William Henderson, who shared the podium with Dr. Andrews. "That's an EXCELLENT question.

"I'll...I guess...wow...let me get back to you on that," Dr. Henderson said.

The doctors were discussing surgery on the Cardinals' Cris Carpenter, which involves taking a ligament from one's leg and attaching it to the arm. It's been known as Tommy John surgery ever since John had it in 1974.

But when a reporter asked, innocently, "What did they call the surgery BEFORE it was done on Tommy John?," the press conference careened out of control.

Loud murmurs were heard as Drs. Andrews and Henderson fumbled their way thru clearly made up answers that they didn't even bother to complete.

"I think we just saw medical science set back about 33 years," said journalist Phil Morris, who was covering the press conference for the New England Patriots Journal of Medicine.

"What a turn of events!," said reporter Sylvia Hertel of the Baseball Science Digest. "The doctors were completely bamboozled. This is just a mind-boggling development in the area of arm surgery."

The reporter who asked the question, tentatively identified as Stephen Boullabaise of Surgery Today Magazine, was wrestled to the ground by security before being tasered, pepper sprayed, choked, cuffed with plastic ties, and garrotted. He was later tortured and killed, which saddened the man for whom the surgery was named.

"A shame," Tommy John said of Boullabaise's death. "From now on, I guess reporters who are killed will be known as having Stephen Boullabaise discipline."

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