Monday, May 5, 2008

Families Of Four Call For Cap On Costs Of Going To A Game

Washington, D.C. (May 5) - The nation's Families of Four held a press conference and a rally in the capital yesterday, calling for governmental controls over the "cost of going to a game."

"As you know, a Family of Four is one of this country's most precious, time-honored institutions," said Larry Millbrew, a 44-year-old husband and father of two girls. "And today, the Family of Four is under siege; the costs of going to a game are simply outrageous and Congress MUST step in," Millbrew said as he spoke in front of Washington's new baseball stadium, Nationals Park.

Approximately 4,000 Families of Four marched down Pennsylvania Avenue before boarding charter buses, which took them to Nationals Park. Families of Four of every color, income class, and religion participated, according to Millbrew, who helped organize the event. Those Families of Four with small children were provided with special, motorized strollers.

According to the latest research from Dynamic Marketing, which specializes in the costs of various events for Families of Four, the average baseball game costs a Family of Four approximately $275. This figure includes tickets, parking, soft drinks, hot dogs, a game program, and "some stupid souvenir of some sort that your kids are sure to bug you about as you walk out of the stadium." This dollar amount is up from $269, the average from 2007 -- an increase of over two percent.

Larry Millbrew and his Family of Four pose in a recent photo

"I'm the head of a typical Family of Four," Millbrew said, "and I'm doing all I can to help my family cut costs. To think that I might have to settle for one hot dog and that my daughter, Regina, might have to do without food at all so I can afford a freaking beer is simply unacceptable."

Others at the protest echoed Millbrew's sentiment.

"First, you have to buy your kids some stupid ass s**t," said 38-year-old engineer Frank Craft. "You know that, right off the bat. And they're gonna want to stuff their face with food. You know that, too. Last year I had to spring for a $5 G**-damn ice cream novelty thing, which nearly cut into my bratwurst budget. It's out of control."

Analysts say Families of Four are used as the nation's barometer for how much things cost because "it sounds good. Rolls off the tongue," says Dr. Allan Kurtzenbaum, who works for Dynamic Marketing. "Family of Three seems too small. And Family of Five is just plain odd-sounding," he explained.

Other Families of Four who turned out for the protest made thinly-veiled threats.

"There are other things we can spend our hard-earned money on," said homemaker Vera Vasquez. "Like going to the movies."

When told of how much it costs a Family of Four to attend a movie, including $15 for a bucket of popcorn and a medium soda, Vasquez vomited.

"God, we're screwed," she then said.

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