Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Cubs Panicked That They Might Reach World Series

Chicago, IL (Sept. 30) - Owners of the best record in the National League, and therefore considered the favorites to win the league pennant, the Chicago Cubs are "panicked" that they might actually reach the World Series for the first time in 63 years.

"The Cubs have always been able to look around lately, when they've made the playoffs, and see a far superior opponent within the National League," said ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips. "So, it's never really been a question as to whether they'd make the World Series, because there was always a team much better than them in the post-season."

But now, Phillips says, the Cubs are faced with a cold reality.

"I'm hesitant to say this, but the Cubs are the odds-on favorites to make it through the NLDS and NLCS and represent the league in the Fall Classic," Phillips, a former GM of the New York Mets, added.

That prospect, according to sources close to the ballclub, has the Cubs "panicked" and "reeling."

"Look, they've always been the adorable Cubs -- the team who never has a shot, even when they make the playoffs," said a baseball insider who requested anonymity because he's afraid no one would know who he was anyway. "And that was a comfort level for them. Now you have the prospect of the Cubs actually being in the World Series, and for many in that organization, that's simply too terrifying to comprehend."

The Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908 -- 100 years exactly.

"There's a lot of pressure," said Phillips, "to keep that streak alive. There are millions of Cubs fans all over the United States who revel in the fact that their team is the nation's 'Lovable Losers.' Well, how can they be that anymore, if they even qualify for the World Series."

And if they win it?

"Christ almighty," Phillips said.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella assured his team around the All-Star break "not to worry", and that he was "pretty sure" some other team would get hot and supplant the Cubs as post-season favorites in the NL, the source said.

"But then everyone else gets dysfunctional and you have that G**damn West division, who can't get a champion with 85 wins to save its soul, and those f***ing Mets, who collapse like a house of cards every September...," a Cubs front office employee was overheard telling Piniella the other day.

"Great job, Lou! NOW what?," the employee told Piniella in a sarcastic tone.

As a result of their new front runner status, the Cubs hierarchy is set to huddle today to figure out "a way out of this mess," according to the source.

Some proposed suggestions include firing Piniella and replacing him with Cindy, the bartender at the Hangge Uppe on Rush Street; letting the Cubs' opponents supply their own pitcher when they bat; and simply not showing up for any of the games -- among other ideas.

Regardless, the Cubs are "kicking themselves" for getting into this mess, the source said.

"It just wasn't supposed to turn out this way -- not with Joe Torre in the league now," the source said, referring to the Dodgers manager who came over from the Yankees. "The Cubs were supposed to be playoff fodder."

The source added that "heads will roll" within the Cubs organization following this "unacceptable debacle."

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