Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Tensions Rise As No-Name Orioles And No-Name Manager Both Trying To Play The "No Name Card"

Baltimore, MD. (Apr. 2) - Even though the 2008 MLB season is just days old, there's already tension within the Baltimore Orioles, as both the team's no-name players and its no-name manager struggle to each capitalize on their no-name status.

The Orioles, whose roster is made up of 17 players that no one has ever heard of, five players that few have heard of, and three that some have heard of, are now party to an internal power struggle with their manager -- who claims no one has ever heard of, sources say.

"The manager ... umm, don't tell me, don't tell me ... dang, I had it!" said club spokesman John Karding as he began to address reporters yesterday. After an aide whispered into his ear, Karding continued.

"The manager, Dave Trombley ... what? Oh, sorry. Dave TREMBLEY, our manager, is concerned that some of his players are trying to portray themselves as scrappy no-names that can surprise people with their scrappy, no-name play, while Dave also sees himself that way -- as a scrappy, no-name manager who can surprise people with his scrappy, no-name managing style.

"It's becoming a sore spot, for sure," Karding added.

The Orioles manager (we THINK) congratulates one of his players recently; it's unclear if either of them knows the other's name

Orioles players, who didn't have to request anonymity because they already have it, confirmed Karding's words.

"I'll bet fewer people have heard of me than have heard of him," said the second baseman -- or possibly a backup outfielder. "We're going to shock some people because nobody's ever heard of us and isn't giving us a chance. At least with Tremly ... excuse me? Oh, sorry. At least with Trrr-embley? OK, at least with Trembley, people can see that he's managed before and has had success. At least that's what I heard someone say the other day."

A relief pitcher or maybe a catcher said, "We're not going to let that manager's pettiness stop us. He likes to think that he's this underdog dude. Whatever. Look at me. DON'T look at my locker. What's my name? Tell me my Goddamn name, right now!"

When reporters couldn't identify the player, he snickered and walked away.

Trembley, when reached for comment would only say, "I love my players. I fully expect to have all their names memorized by the end of May, thanks to my seating chart in the dugout. But ask around. Who knows ME? I mean, come on. It's not even close, gentlemen."

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