MLB Launches Recruitment Campaign To Replenish "Dangerously Low" Supply Of Hard-Nosed, Backup Catchers

New York, NY (Nov. 22) - Citing its supply of hard-nosed, backup catchers as being "dangerously low," Major League Baseball unveiled a new recruitment campaign designed to replenish the dwindling number of second-string backstops.

"If you're a catcher low on actual baseball talent but with a never-say-die attitude, we want to take a look at you," Commissioner Bud Selig said in announcing the aggressive new campaign.

MLB screened for reporters a new 30-second commercial that it hopes will lure catchers who have no chance of ever being a consistent starter into the life of a hard-nosed backup. Entitled "Every Team Needs A Second Catcher," the campaign's TV spot features today's current crop of hard-nosed backups waxing eloquent about the joys of their job.

"I thought my career was over when I realized I couldn't hit better than .220," says Todd Pratt, a career backup. "But then I decided my lack of baseball skills wouldn't stop me from realizing my dream," Pratt continues in the spot, which includes fellow backups talking about the benefits of their lot in life.

Some of the things cited in the campaign that MLB hopes will successfully solicit new members to the hard-nosed backup catcher brotherhood are: playing only once every nine days (keeps body fresher longer); anything you contribute offensively is a bonus; fans appreciate the way you hung in there gamely in that last collision at the plate; and hot chicks will still find you attractive, because they can be duped into thinking that you're the starter and an All-Star-caliber player.

"We know this country is positively crawling with marginally-talented, hard-nosed catchers who hit for sh*t but aren't afraid to get their uniforms dirty," Selig said. "And now we make this public plea: we need you in Major League Baseball, and soon."

The ranks of hard-nosed backup catchers began declining in the late-1990s, according to a report released by Selig.

"Unfortunately, gone seem to be the days of the likes of Bill Plummer, Duffy Dyer, and Marc Hill," catching analyst Mitch Hunter said in the wake of Selig's announced recruitment campaign. "The 1970s were the 'Golden Era' for hard-nosed backups. For some reason, MLB has been unable to keep this awful yet necessary category of player adequately stocked. This campaign may seem desperate, but it is what it is."


Baseball, according to its latest research, is running dangerously low on mostly untalented, yet hard-nosed backup catchers like the Tigers' Vance Wilson, shown tagging out someone who's a far better player than he is


Hunter pointed to Detroit Tiger Vance Wilson's season-long elbow injury in 2007 as a huge blow to the hard-nosed backups' relevance to baseball. "Wilson is a throwback," Hunter said of the Tigers backstop, who Hunter praised for his "questionable hitting talent but seemingly excellent defensive skills and his ability to give the impression that he works well with pitchers." Hunter said that baseball can "ill afford" to lose someone of Wilson's mediocre stature next season.

The campaign will focus itself on the low minor leagues and junior colleges, and might even expand to the high school level, depending upon how serious the dearth of hard-nosed backup catchers is deemed.

Also named as "concerns" but not urgent -- at this time -- are MLB's supply of scrappy, good field/no hit middle infielders, spot pitching starters, and thinking man's players. Also being monitored are players' managers and "guys who just want to win."

Area Music Fan Totally Confused, Disillusioned By Utah Jazz Name, Logo

Salt Lake City, UT (Nov. 21) - Local music fan Stuart Ferency is reportedly "confused and disillusioned" about the use of the word "jazz" in the name and logo of his city's National Basketball Association franchise.

"I don't know what to make of it," Ferency said as he left his neighborhood Media Play, having just bought some John Coltrane and Count Basie CDs. "A friend asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to go see the Utah Jazz play, and I was intrigued," Ferency, a self-described non-sports fan, said. "So we go the the concert -- or what I thought was a concert -- and there's all this basketball going on."

Ferency said after nearly an hour of the offending sport, he asked his friend "when the music is going to start."


Stuart Ferency returns home after a perplexing hour of watching the Utah Jazz play basketball; he had thought he was attending a concert


After some initial laughter from the friend that turned into an uncomfortable, nervous chuckle once he realized Ferency was serious, Ferency shook his head and left the arena.

"I'm thinking of suing for false advertising," he said as he skidaddled to his Ford Focus.

Ferency's friend and basketball game accomplice, Sean Gilbert, said he tried to explain to Ferency the Jazz's history.

"I was like, 'Dude, this is our BASKETBALL team'," Gilbert said when reached by phone yesterday evening. "I could tell he was confused. So I told him of how the Jazz came to Utah."

But after only 30 seconds of his explanation, Gilbert stopped.


The Utah Jazz logo, which has confounded many

"Even I couldn't believe it, to be honest with you," he said.

The Jazz were known, more appropriately, as the New Orleans Jazz from 1974-1979, before the franchise moved to Salt Lake City. Yet the team kept the name Jazz, even though Salt Lake City isn't known for music at all, let alone jazz.

Then there was the matter of the logo, according to Gilbert.

"I tried like five times to start a sentence describing the logo," Gilbert said, "but it was pretty much useless trying to validate that sorry ass piece of sh*t design," he added of the logo, which splays the word "jazz" across snow-covered mountains.

"When was the last time you made a connection between jazz and freaking mountains?," Gilbert said. "No wonder the dude was trippin'," he said, referring to Ferency.

Gilbert's troubles don't end with Ferency.

"I have a little cousin who lives in Minnesota," Gilbert said. "And he's been asking me why they call the hockey team 'the Wild.'

"Son-of-a-bitch!"

Doctors Have No Idea What Tommy John Surgery Was Called Before Tommy John

Press Conference in chaos; reporter killed

Atlanta, GA (Nov. 20) - A press conference discussing the latest MLB pitcher to have Tommy John surgery was stopped in its tracks when the question arose as to what the surgery was called before Tommy John came along.

"Gosh, you know what? I don't know!," noted arm surgeon Dr. James Andrews said, rubbing his chin. "Huh!"

"Wow," added Dr. William Henderson, who shared the podium with Dr. Andrews. "That's an EXCELLENT question.

"I'll...I guess...wow...let me get back to you on that," Dr. Henderson said.

The doctors were discussing surgery on the Cardinals' Cris Carpenter, which involves taking a ligament from one's leg and attaching it to the arm. It's been known as Tommy John surgery ever since John had it in 1974.

But when a reporter asked, innocently, "What did they call the surgery BEFORE it was done on Tommy John?," the press conference careened out of control.

Loud murmurs were heard as Drs. Andrews and Henderson fumbled their way thru clearly made up answers that they didn't even bother to complete.

"I think we just saw medical science set back about 33 years," said journalist Phil Morris, who was covering the press conference for the New England Patriots Journal of Medicine.

"What a turn of events!," said reporter Sylvia Hertel of the Baseball Science Digest. "The doctors were completely bamboozled. This is just a mind-boggling development in the area of arm surgery."

The reporter who asked the question, tentatively identified as Stephen Boullabaise of Surgery Today Magazine, was wrestled to the ground by security before being tasered, pepper sprayed, choked, cuffed with plastic ties, and garrotted. He was later tortured and killed, which saddened the man for whom the surgery was named.

"A shame," Tommy John said of Boullabaise's death. "From now on, I guess reporters who are killed will be known as having Stephen Boullabaise discipline."

Bored Patriots To Take Rest Of Schedule "Two Games at a Time"

Foxboro, MA (Nov. 19) - Eschewing the time-honored tradition of playing games one at a time, the unbeaten, powerful New England Patriots announced after yesterday's 56-10 trouncing of the Buffalo Bills that they will play their remaining six games two at a time.

"We just want to get this 16-0 season over with," quarterback Tom Brady said moments after throwing five TD passes against the Bills. Brady spoke as he changed from his football uniform directly into his street clothes, telling reporters that "I showered before the game, so I'm cool."



The Patriots are 10-0, are averaging 41.1 points per game, and consistently beat the crap out of every team they play. The only exception was their much-ballyhooed game against the Indianapolis Colts -- when the Pats had to appear interested in the fourth quarter for the first time all season.

Citing the Colts game as a "wake up call", Patriots coach Bill Belichick implored his team to have no mercy on the Bills, opening up a 42-7 lead before the National Anthem.

"That was key," wide receiver Randy Moss said of the pre-game offensive explosion. "That enabled us to get caught up on some personal matters during the game. You know, the typical stuff you have to deal with during the week of Thanksgiving."

Brady threw three of his TD passes while text messaging his family members about last-minute holiday grocery shopping and answering e-mails from his blog. Moss, who smartly used the time between plays to choose a stuffing recipe, also multi-tasked when he scored his four touchdowns -- telling his mother that the number of TDs he scores would equal the amount of pies she should make.

But the Patriots were restless after the game, leading to Belichick's declaration that the remaining six games on his team's schedule would be completed in three weeks, instead of the customary six.

"All this anticipation, I'm sick of it," the coach said, in reference to matching the 1972 Dolphins as the NFL's other unbeaten, untied team in the modern era. "Let's just do it, already. Cripe!"

"It'll be nice to have most of December off," added Brady. The Patriots will complete their perfect season with a doubleheader sweep over Miami and the New York Giants on Dec. 9. "It'll provide more time for shopping and putting up decorations."

Bills coach Dick Jauron, who was admitted to a local psychiatric ward for trauma after the game, said thru a spokesman that "all those who chose to oppose the shield must yield," referring to Brady, who Jauron likened to Captain America.

The Patriots, under their new paradigm, will defeat both the Philadelphia Eagles and Baltimore Ravens next Sunday.

Bonds Boasts To Friends That He'll Get Into Federal Prison On The First Ballot

San Francisco, CA (Nov. 17) - Slugger Barry Bonds has told friends that he fully expects to be inducted into federal prison on the first ballot.

"He is confident that he's a first-ballot prisoner," a source close to Bonds told a California radio station. "Barry doesn't think his indictment should have an asterisk next to it."

Bonds was indicted Thursday on multiple counts of perjury and other charges too creepy to think about, relating to his taking performance-enhancing drugs. He could face up to 30 years in prison if convicted.

"He (Bonds) thinks the charges, and the grand jury's opinion of them, speak for themselves," said Bonds' childhood friend Max Platkin. "At this point, he'd be very disappointed if he was forced to wait for a second ballot before his prison induction."

Bonds has wondered privately about his prison acceptance speech, and what he'll say, friends report.

"Obviously, he'll make some bullsh*t reference to Willie Mays," says one friend, referring to Bonds's Godfather. "Then I suppose he'll thank the fans of San Francisco, and then of course, he'll trash the media."

Bonds has already said that he'll go into prison as a Giant. He played his first seven seasons in Pittsburgh, but has spent the last 15 in San Francisco.


According to friends, Bonds wants to be inducted into prison as a steroid-filled hulk (as a Giant) rather than a drug-free beanpole (as a Pirate)

"He can't wait to see that plaque hanging in the cell block," another friend said. "And it will depict him in a Giants cap, no question."

Bonds, sources say, bristled at suggestions that his indictment is tainted in some way by the fact that he's an African-American.

"His exact words were, 'This indictment is NOT tainted. Not at all. Period', " the source said.

Bonds, a free agent, intends to play baseball in 2008, despite his imminent prison induction.

"The Bay Area would be great, meaning Oakland," Platkin said. "That would be conveniently located to Alcatraz, which would be terrific for Barry and his family."

Platkin added that Bonds "would only be vindicated" if he's not elected into prison on the first ballot.

"That would just make his point -- that the media and writers have persecuted him. To go into the federal penitentiary on the first ballot would be Barry's way of saying, 'Gotcha' ," Platkin said.

Golf Scientists Discover 19th Hole

Greens fees, total pars likely to increase

Geneva, Switzerland (Nov. 15) - Calling it the most significant news in the history of golf since the invention of the ball washer, scientists who specialize in the sport have discovered a 19th hole, a development which is sure to change the sport's landscape forever.

"November 14, 2007 will be known as the date that ushered in a new era of golf," an elated Dr. Manheim Steemrohler said at a press conference in front of the Golf Institute for Technology (GIT).

Dr. Steemrohler said that the discovery occurred by accident.

"We were working on a study as to whether golf balls hit out of the sand experience significant blunt-force, aerodynamic trauma, when Dr. (Heinrich) Bubler made the discovery, thanks to a high-powered telescope and extremely sensitive, time-stop photography," Dr. Steemrohler said, speaking for a team of 11 golf scientists.

The 19th hole, the doctor said, exists in a "parallel area between time and space," and every golf course in the world has one.

When pressed for explanation in layperson's terms, Dr. Steemrohler said, "You wouldn't understand."


Dr. Manheim Steemrohler demonstrates some of the equipment used to find golf's new 19th hole

Later, Dr. Bubler spoke to reporters gathered in front of the doctor's country club as he headed out to play a "quick 19", in his words.

"Basically, this new discovery means a few things. Number one, par for most courses will now be 75 or 76. Second, it will take approximately nine minutes longer to play a full round of golf. And last, but not least, I'll make lots of money."

Noting that there's still considerable confusion over the exact location of golf's new hole, Dr. Steemrohler assured reporters that information about that part of the discovery will be released within the next several days. But a source close to the golf scientists said the 19th hole would be typically found "within 55 yards of the 18th green, off to the right," and will only be able to be detected with special, very expensive, fancy-shmancy scientific equipment for "at least five years."

The hope is, within the industry, that when the 19th hole becomes more accessible to public courses and "real people", greens fees and cart fees can be increased.

"Typical," said golfer Dwayne Benson of the industry's goal as he finished the soon-to-be-atypical 18 holes at a Harrisburg, Pa. public course yesterday on a balmy fall day. "This news is less than 24 hours old and already the greed and money-grubbing has begun."

A spokesman for golf's Lord, Tiger Woods, said, "Lord Woods is encouraged about anything that's for the good of the sport that he owns and operates. He's confident that this 19th hole will mean that he can win tournaments by even wider margins than he is currently."

Cubs Announce Date Of Next Year's Playoff Elimination In Fan-Friendly Move

Chicago, IL (Nov. 14) - The Chicago Cubs, acknowledging that today's baseball fan is "busier than ever," announced yesterday that the team will be eliminated from playoff contention next September 4th.

"We feel we owe it to our fans so they can get on with their lives," team spokesman Larry Charlie said at a press conference. "It's part of our 'fans first' philosophy. Now they know that they're free to look elsewhere for fun after September 4th, 2008."

Charlie said the Cubs will be mathematically eliminated with a walk-off home run in Pittsburgh.

"With 'fans first', we feel it's not only good enough to announce the date of elimination, but the manner in which it will happen. So now everyone is prepared."

The Cubs made the playoffs in 2007, but were swept in the NLDS by Arizona.

"We regret what happened in '07," Charlie said. "We realize making the playoffs was a major inconvenience to our fans, who are used to having Octobers free. Being swept just prolonged the inevitable. We've learned from our mistake."

Charlie said the fan-friendliness wouldn't end with the playoff elimination date.

"We will be sending our season ticket holders the dates of our most gut-wrenching losses in '08," he said. "On of the highlights will be a blown eight-run lead in the ninth when the Padres visit Wrigley Field May 22nd."

Other special dates, Charlie said, include an error-filled loss to Philadelphia on April 24th, a rain-shortened loss to Los Angeles on June 4th, and a come-from-behind win over Arizona in late August that will give fans false hope.

"We hope this makes up for the debacle last season," Charlie said.

Charlie added that the 2009 team will be awash with painful rebuilding.

"Anything for our fans' convenience."