U.S. Soccer Officials: You Don't Like This Game, Do You?

Encino, CA (Feb. 7) - Officials of the U.S. Soccer Federation announced at a press conference yesterday that they "get it", and will stop trying to promote soccer in this country.

"You all win," spokesman Gary Hughes said with a sigh outside USSF headquarters. "We'll back off with the promotion of this great game in this country. But you don't know what you're missing."

Hughes then changed his tone after that comment after getting a scolding look from his colleagues.

"Um, I mean, the people have spoken and we respect their decision," he added.

Hughes and his associates were responding to a growing discord amongst U.S. sports fans and enthusiasts from soccer, who have continually rejected soccer as a major sport ever since it was introduced.

"Hallelujah!" said Mark Anderson, 41, a software engineer and a "huge" NFL and NBA fan. "Thank God! Enough with the soccer already."

Sports and recreation analyst Bernard Himmington says he understands why soccer has never caught on in the United States.

"We're impatient in this country," Himmington says. "We want scoring and action. At least action. Soccer doesn't provide enough of either. Not nearly enough. Frankly, that game just blows, let's face it."

Anderson agrees.

"Look at the size of the goals," he said. "They're huge! It's like they're mocking you: You'll never score, no matter if we put a goal the size of Montana out there. Come on, if that game didn't suck, the scores would be 10-8, 12-10, with the size of those goals. Cripe."

The USSF's Hughes admitted that the marketing efforts here rang hollow.

"We were strong with the kids and youths," Hughes said. "But then once the parents realized that the best thing about soccer was getting their kids tired after running around chasing the ball, then we lost them.

"I will miss some of the soccer moms, though. They were pretty hot," Hughes added, drawing another scowl from his colleagues at the podium.

Hughes said the death knell was a recently commissioned poll by the independent Hayes Institute, which occasionally monitors sports and recreation trends in the U.S. When Americans were asked about several fringe activities, "Which of these sports are most compelling?" the choices and results were: Volleyball 42%; tennis 37%; jai alai 14&; rowing 5%; miniature golf 1.5%; darts 0.3%; and soccer, at 0.2%.

Reaction wasn't mixed across the country.

"They should have given up long ago," said Max LaHoya, a Mexican-American who grew up with soccer south of the border. "I knew Gringos would never go for soccer."

"Good riddance," said high school football coach Gus Miller of Boca Raton, Fla. "God, I hated those soccer freaks. Maybe if they would let you touch the ball with your hands. All that kicking!"

Hughes said soccer programs would continue to exist for those who choose to still play the game, but that the USSF would no longer help fund them.

"We're done. We get it," he said.

Soccer mom Bernice Palmatier of Bakersfield, Ca. said, "I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My daughter's 12. Soccer was great when she was 7 or 8. She'd come home exhausted and go right to bed, and I could read and have time to myself. But soccer doesn't do that to her anymore. So now it's just a grind. She doesn't like playing, I don't like watching her. The game is awful. We've been living a charade for years.

"I'm glad it's over, to tell you the truth."