Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pittsburgh Pirates Emotionally Eliminated From 2008 Pennant Race

Impending Mathematical Elimination "Too Tough" To Deal With, Sources Say

Bradenton, FL. (Feb. 28) - The Pittsburgh Pirates, earlier than ever before, have been emotionally eliminated from playoff contention, sources say.

"Morale is at an all-time low," a source -- who described himself as a "close, personal friend" of the team -- said yesterday. "I just don't know how the Pirates can go on."

The source -- a supportive gay man in his late-20s -- said the team "hardly touched" its postgame meal yesterday after an exhibition loss to the Cincinnati Reds, and that it's been walking around in "la-la land" ever since spring training opened two weeks ago.

"All the losses, all the rejection, all the fruitless off-seasons with no help coming from other teams -- it's taking its toll," the friend said. "And, I think they're starting to smoke again."

The friend said that the Pirates' upcoming mathematical elimination -- expected sometime in early-April -- has the team in a deep depression.

The Pirates' Jason Bay, shown being unable to bring himself to join in the drills

"They don't shower, they don't shave," the friend said. "Yesterday I saw (outfielder) Jason Bay lying on the clubhouse sofa, devouring a bag of Doritos. The coaches were trying to get him to take batting practice, but he just waved them off, saying, 'What's the use?' "

The Pirates have not had a winning season since 1992 -- not coming close since then.

"I suggested that the team go out, buy itself something nice -- like a relief pitcher. SOMETHING," the friend went on. "I can't even get it to go out for a cup of coffee with me anymore.

"It's so sad."

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