Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Belichick Declares Patriots Mythical NFL Champions

Foxboro, MA (Feb. 5) - Despite losing to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl Sunday, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick has declared his team mythical National Football League champions.

"It works in college football, why not in pro football?" asked Belichick as the Patriots' plane touched down in Massachusetts last night. He then made his case for why the Patriots, not the Giants, should be possessors of the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

"We've lost one game. They (the Giants) lost six. I mean, you do the math," Belichick said with his usual dour, humorless expression. "In college football, whoever heard of a team with six losses playing for the championship of anything? Jesus H C*****!"

Belichick also said that since the Patriots beat the Giants in the regular season, "this makes us 1-1 against each other. If Ohio State and LSU were 1-1, would you just declare one of them champs? Hell no. You'd hope for a tie-breaking game."

When asked if that meant that Belichick was lobbying for a third game against the Giants, the coach said, "Not necessary. We're the champions, plain and simple. So we lost a game. Big deal. What about the 18 in a row that we won? Nobody seems to want to talk about THAT."

Belichick also passed out some hastily-made flyers that said "18-1 beats 14-6 every time", in reference to the Patriots' and Giants' records.

Bill Belichick waves to supporters at Logan International Airport in Boston before being whisked away; moments earlier, he declared the Patriots champions

"If there were polls in the NFL, the Giants wouldn't even be in the top five," Belichick continued as he walked to a private car at the airport. "And now because they beat us, they're suddenly number one? It's a G**damn joke."

Belichick also declared QB Tom Brady the game's MVP, for his "unwavering effort in the face of a relentless pass rush and that late TD pass to Randy Moss, which should have sealed the deal." Belichick said the game-winning TD pass from Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress shouldn't be used to penalize Brady. "Just because our defense had a hiccup shouldn't mean that Tom Brady gets the MVP taken away from him," Belichick reasoned.

In addition to awarding his team their fourth championship in seven seasons and Brady MVP honors, Belichick second-guessed himself for going for it on 4th and 13 late in the third quarter at the Giants' 31 with his team leading 7-3, but came away unmoved. "Still the right call," he said. Belichick also spoke of how the 2008 season will be even tougher for his team.

"We've got the targets on our back," he said. "Because we're the defending champions. Really, we are. Hey, 18-1. Enough said."

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