Monday, January 21, 2008

Satan Arrives In Denver To Collect Rockies Debt

Denver, CO. (Jan. 21) - Acknowledging that he's calling in his marker rather early, Satan -- The Devil himself -- showed up in Denver today to collect on the deal he made with the Colorado Rockies last September.

"It's time to pay the piper ... that would be me," the Keeper of the Netherworld told reporters as he stepped into a waiting limousine near the Denver airport. Satan, witnesses say, arrived in Denver not by plane, but by "suddenly appearing" from beneath the ground. After tucking his red tail into the plush limo, Satan, a.k.a. Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, and Baphomet, said he would be paying a visit to Coors Field, "the site of one of my greatest sports pacts."

Satan said that, under the agreement he made with the foundering Rockies last summer, he would enable them to catch a fire "that would be hot as Hell itself" and make it to the World Series. But the team was only willing to trade its soul, and not that of the people of Denver -- or else they would have won the Series, according to him.

"They did not have the gonads to take that extra step," Satan said before being whisked away to an undetermined location. "But I'm still pleased. Those are 25 more souls for me."

Satan explains to reporters why he's collecting on his deal with the Colorado Rockies so soon, just before being whisked away in a limousine

Sources close to Satan say that the reason he's wanting to collect on his deal just months after making it is a simple matter of demand.

"There's a great need for more souls down there," the source said. "The demand is exceeding the Devil's supply. Or else he'd give the Rockies a bit more time."

The Rockies were baseball's darlings after rallying from near playoff extinction by winning 14 of their last 15 games, then sweeping the Philadelphia Phillies and Arizona Diamondbacks in the postseason.

The deal ended there, and the Boston Red Sox dispatched them in the World Series in a four-game sweep.

In other Satan-related news, the sources said that the Devil was close to a deal with New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas, in which Thomas would rally his team into the playoffs and keep his job for one more year. The two sides have agreed in principle, the sources say, and sometime after the All-Star break, the Knicks will catch fire -- literally and figuratively.

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