Thursday, December 13, 2007

Mitchell Report To Name 8 to 10 Million Fans In Doping Scandal

Washington, DC (Dec. 13) - The much-anticipated report gathered by former U.S. Senator George Mitchell investigating Major League Baseball's problem with performance-enhancing drugs has taken a surprise twist, those close to the report say.

Mitchell's report is expected to publicly name 8 to 10 million baseball fans as "either previous or current abusers of performance-enhancing substances," a source says. The substances include, "but are not limited to": steroids, beer, caffeine, candy bars, hot dogs, soda pop (NOT diet), silicon, and Viagra.

Cubs fan Kelly Fortinato, expected to be named in Mitchell's report for silicon abuse

The outing of fans is expected to rock baseball, since many thought Mitchell's report would be targeting players. According to sources, "some" players will be identified, but Mitchell's investigation took an unexpected turn when his team discovered "rampant" use of the aforementioned substances in and around MLB ballparks over the last five or six years by the game's paying public.

"It saddens me to have to name this many names," Mitchell will say in a soon-to-be-released statement, according to the sources. "But Major League Baseball cannot and will not tolerate the ingestion of so many substances by its fans.

"Baseball players deserve ethical, clean fans who aren't engaging in doping practices," Mitchell continues.

One of the fans suspected of being named in Mitchell's report, 38-year-old factory worker Brett Hinson of Kansas City, MO, said thru a spokesman, "I will not comment on Senator Mitchell's report until I see it for myself. But I can tell you that a few hot dogs and sodas don't make me a bad person -- or a cheating fan."

The report is set to be released publicly today.

Another potential target, sales manager and Cubs fan Jerry Zubor of Arlington Heights, Illinois, told reporters gathered outside his home, "What can I say? It's a witch hunt. If he names me, then I got a whole lot of my friends that I can name, too. I ain't goin' down alone, bro."

Zubor, according to friends, is likely to be named for his propensity to take No-Doz while watching the Cubs on the West Coast.

Gary Sheffield of the Detroit Tigers, another likely Mitchell target, expressed surprise but not shock over the report's alleged findings.

"I always had a feeling some of the fans were on the juice," Sheffield said. "Especially when I played in New York," the former Yankee and current Detroit Tiger said. "All I can say is, you do the dope, you can't mope."

Donald Fehr, chief rep of the MLB Players Association, said, "If these millions of fans are on something, then let's get them out in the open and clear the way for clean fans. The least these fans can do when they spend $240 to take their families to the ballparks to watch guys making $15 million a year is do so with a clean urine sample," Fehr added.

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