ESPN Cancels Atlanta Falcons After Poor Monday Night Showing

Bristol, CT (Oct. 17) - Exhibiting the new, short-on-patience approach to network programming that now permeates television, ESPN executives announced that they have pulled the plug on the Atlanta Falcons after their abysmal performance on Monday Night Football against the New York Giants.

The Falcons, the network said, will no longer appear on MNF, or anywhere else on ESPN.



"Not only have they been removed from Monday Night Football. but we won't be showing any of their game highlights, either," VP of Programming Sidd Finch said in a teleconference. "Well, that's not quite true. We'll show the highlights from their games, but their players will be blurred out, like they do in those Internet sting shows on NBC's Dateline."

Finch said the decision came at halftime of the Giants-Falcons game, in which the Falcons seemed utterly defenseless against the Giants' pass rush, running defense, rushing attack, passing game, and special teams play. The Falcons lost, 31-10, in a game that wasn't nearly as close as the final score indicated.

"We discussed not showing the second half, but we had commitments to our advertisers," Finch said. "The Falcons, essentially, have been canceled."

Falcons officials were notified of the cancellation Tuesday, normally the players' off day in the NFL. But some Falcons players were in the locker room, getting treated for bruised egos, when the news came down.

"I would have liked another chance, but this is a results-driven business," running back Warrick Dunn said, talking about television, not football. "Apparently the overnights weren't very good," Dunn said of the TV ratings. Dunn added that he "would have turned us off, too."

Other players weren't so understanding.

"I think it's bull----," tight end Alge Crumpler said. "I mean, look how long they gave Yes, Dear before cancelling that piece of s---. Maybe they could try us in a different time slot or something."

"Sometimes you try things and they don't work out," Finch said of placing the 1-5 Falcons on prime time. "Obviously, we made an error and we've now corrected that error."

Perhaps over-compensating for the Falcons disaster, Finch then tried to cancel NBC's Sunday Night Football, but was told he didn't have the authority to do so.

"It was worth a shot," Finch said, sheepishly.