Houston, TX. (Apr. 4) - Prancing around the locker room yesterday, waving his arms and making a range of faces from annoyance to anger to disdain, Houston Rockets star Tracy McGrady ranted about the team's no. 6 playoff seeding, despite a recent 22-game winning streak.
"We won 22 straight! Twenty-two f***ing games in a row! Twenty-f***ing-two!! Think about that for a moment. We won 22 G**damn games in a row! And we STILL don't have a f***ing home court advantage in the first G**damn round? F***!!," McGrady screamed, as stalked the locker room maniacally, going from teammates to reporters, sometimes directly into their faces.
"Holy s**t! This is BULLs**t!," McGrady continued, at one point taking a dry erase marker and writing a big "22 wins in a row" on the white board, then adding the words "home court" in a circle, which he then drew a line through, like one of those international symbols. "Look at this! Does this add up? Does this look right to you? HELL NO!," he added before throwing the marker across the room.
McGrady then started banging his balled up fists against his forehead, chanting, "Makes no F***ING sense! Makes NO f***ing sense!" before pacing back and forth, making a series of guttural, animalistic sounds.
As others in the locker room stood frozen with fear and/or confusion, McGrady held up the sports section, opened it up to where the NBA standings were printed, and said, "Y'all watch what I think of this!" and began wadding the page into a ball. He then shoved it into his mouth, chewing and swallowing it.
"Yehmmf righghm!! Righmm hemrmem!" he shouted as he ingested the standings page, pointing to his mouth as his eyes flashed and his eyebrows moved up and down mischievously.
The Rockets are 49-25 and would have to win their division to secure home court in the first round. They're currently three games behind the front-running New Orleans Hornets.
It's unclear if McGrady's outburst would motivate his teammates, as most of them had slipped on headphones and were listening to their iPods by the time his four-minute display was over with.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Tensions Rise As No-Name Orioles And No-Name Manager Both Trying To Play The "No Name Card"
Baltimore, MD. (Apr. 2) - Even though the 2008 MLB season is just days old, there's already tension within the Baltimore Orioles, as both the team's no-name players and its no-name manager struggle to each capitalize on their no-name status.
The Orioles, whose roster is made up of 17 players that no one has ever heard of, five players that few have heard of, and three that some have heard of, are now party to an internal power struggle with their manager -- who claims no one has ever heard of, sources say.
"The manager ... umm, don't tell me, don't tell me ... dang, I had it!" said club spokesman John Karding as he began to address reporters yesterday. After an aide whispered into his ear, Karding continued.
"The manager, Dave Trombley ... what? Oh, sorry. Dave TREMBLEY, our manager, is concerned that some of his players are trying to portray themselves as scrappy no-names that can surprise people with their scrappy, no-name play, while Dave also sees himself that way -- as a scrappy, no-name manager who can surprise people with his scrappy, no-name managing style.
"It's becoming a sore spot, for sure," Karding added.
The Orioles manager (we THINK) congratulates one of his players recently; it's unclear if either of them knows the other's name
Orioles players, who didn't have to request anonymity because they already have it, confirmed Karding's words.
"I'll bet fewer people have heard of me than have heard of him," said the second baseman -- or possibly a backup outfielder. "We're going to shock some people because nobody's ever heard of us and isn't giving us a chance. At least with Tremly ... excuse me? Oh, sorry. At least with Trrr-embley? OK, at least with Trembley, people can see that he's managed before and has had success. At least that's what I heard someone say the other day."
A relief pitcher or maybe a catcher said, "We're not going to let that manager's pettiness stop us. He likes to think that he's this underdog dude. Whatever. Look at me. DON'T look at my locker. What's my name? Tell me my Goddamn name, right now!"
When reporters couldn't identify the player, he snickered and walked away.
Trembley, when reached for comment would only say, "I love my players. I fully expect to have all their names memorized by the end of May, thanks to my seating chart in the dugout. But ask around. Who knows ME? I mean, come on. It's not even close, gentlemen."
The Orioles, whose roster is made up of 17 players that no one has ever heard of, five players that few have heard of, and three that some have heard of, are now party to an internal power struggle with their manager -- who claims no one has ever heard of, sources say.
"The manager ... umm, don't tell me, don't tell me ... dang, I had it!" said club spokesman John Karding as he began to address reporters yesterday. After an aide whispered into his ear, Karding continued.
"The manager, Dave Trombley ... what? Oh, sorry. Dave TREMBLEY, our manager, is concerned that some of his players are trying to portray themselves as scrappy no-names that can surprise people with their scrappy, no-name play, while Dave also sees himself that way -- as a scrappy, no-name manager who can surprise people with his scrappy, no-name managing style.
"It's becoming a sore spot, for sure," Karding added.
The Orioles manager (we THINK) congratulates one of his players recently; it's unclear if either of them knows the other's name
Orioles players, who didn't have to request anonymity because they already have it, confirmed Karding's words.
"I'll bet fewer people have heard of me than have heard of him," said the second baseman -- or possibly a backup outfielder. "We're going to shock some people because nobody's ever heard of us and isn't giving us a chance. At least with Tremly ... excuse me? Oh, sorry. At least with Trrr-embley? OK, at least with Trembley, people can see that he's managed before and has had success. At least that's what I heard someone say the other day."
A relief pitcher or maybe a catcher said, "We're not going to let that manager's pettiness stop us. He likes to think that he's this underdog dude. Whatever. Look at me. DON'T look at my locker. What's my name? Tell me my Goddamn name, right now!"
When reporters couldn't identify the player, he snickered and walked away.
Trembley, when reached for comment would only say, "I love my players. I fully expect to have all their names memorized by the end of May, thanks to my seating chart in the dugout. But ask around. Who knows ME? I mean, come on. It's not even close, gentlemen."
Monday, March 31, 2008
Cops Called As Baseball Accuses Bonds Of Stalking
San Francisco, CA. (Mar. 31) - Police were called at 1:47 a.m. this morning to a bungalow in the city's south side, where homerun king Barry Bonds was arrested on the sidewalk, threatening his ex -- baseball.
"He was cursing and begging me for another chance," baseball told reporters gathered outside the sport's modest, two-bedroom abode that it once shared with Bonds. "He went back and forth from being nice to being obnoxious. I think he'd been drinking," the sport added.
Bonds has been stalking baseball, according to the sport's friends, since the wintertime, when it was growing apparent that his legal woes due to the steroid scandal were scaring teams away from hiring him.
"He'd call at least 10-12 times a day," a friend of baseball said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "For awhile I thought baseball might take him back. But I advised that baseball needed to be strong and stand its ground.
"He's out of your LIFE," the friend told baseball. The friend said that Opening Day probably caused Bonds to go "off the deep end."
Bonds was arrested, wobbly and screaming thru tears, after baseball called police when Bonds wouldn't leave the sidewalk. Baseball told reporters, and police, that the locks had been changed weeks ago.
"BASEBALLLLL!!," Bonds reportedly screamed as he nearly lost his balance. "BASEBALLLLLLL! PLEASE!! Oh God, please!"
Bonds briefly fought officers as he was forced into the back of a patrol car. Baseball was asked if it had someplace safe to stay for awhile.
"He was cursing and begging me for another chance," baseball told reporters gathered outside the sport's modest, two-bedroom abode that it once shared with Bonds. "He went back and forth from being nice to being obnoxious. I think he'd been drinking," the sport added.
Bonds has been stalking baseball, according to the sport's friends, since the wintertime, when it was growing apparent that his legal woes due to the steroid scandal were scaring teams away from hiring him.
"He'd call at least 10-12 times a day," a friend of baseball said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "For awhile I thought baseball might take him back. But I advised that baseball needed to be strong and stand its ground.
"He's out of your LIFE," the friend told baseball. The friend said that Opening Day probably caused Bonds to go "off the deep end."
Bonds was arrested, wobbly and screaming thru tears, after baseball called police when Bonds wouldn't leave the sidewalk. Baseball told reporters, and police, that the locks had been changed weeks ago.
"BASEBALLLLL!!," Bonds reportedly screamed as he nearly lost his balance. "BASEBALLLLLLL! PLEASE!! Oh God, please!"
Bonds briefly fought officers as he was forced into the back of a patrol car. Baseball was asked if it had someplace safe to stay for awhile.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Canseco's Next Book To Reveal That He Just Went Around Injecting People With Steroids
New York, NY (Mar. 28) - Retired baseball slugger Jose Canseco announced that his next book project will chronicle how he "just went around injecting people" with steroids and human growth hormone (HGH).
The project, which holds a working title of Me and My Needle, will be released in time for the holidays, and will reveal how Canseco, eager to share the benefits of steroids and HGH with as many people as possible, went on an "injecting spree" throughout the 1990s.
"This next book will be a prequel," Canseco explained, speaking from the offices of Simon Spotlight Entertainment, which published Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars and the Battle to Save Baseball, Canseco's newest book, which is to be released Monday. "In this new book, I'll tell how it all started -- my love affair with the needle. About how I just couldn't get big enough, fast enough. About how I shared the joys of altering my body's natural chemistry and severely reducing the size of my testicles with others, through the intoxicating allure of the steroid needle."
Canseco said he decided to work on the new project because "staining baseball's name just started getting boring to me." With the new book, Canseco says he "can open up a whole new world of unsuspecting people to slander."
Canseco will explain in the new book how he would carry syringes with him "everywhere", and inject people when they weren't looking.
"In the neck, in the arm, behind the ear, on the buttocks -- my needle went into all sorts of different people in all sorts of different areas," Canseco said.
When asked to explain how he could have injected people's buttocks' without their knowledge, Canseco grinned, winked, and said, "You'll see, this holiday season."
The general population, which figures to be possibly implicated in Canseco's next project, had no comment beyond a terse statement released thru its publicist.
"We have no comment about anything Mr. Canseco says at this time," the people said. "We're going to reserve comment until we see a copy of the book. It's our belief that we were not ever injected by Mr. Canseco with any sort of steroids or HGH. And if we were, then we deny it."
The project, which holds a working title of Me and My Needle, will be released in time for the holidays, and will reveal how Canseco, eager to share the benefits of steroids and HGH with as many people as possible, went on an "injecting spree" throughout the 1990s.
"This next book will be a prequel," Canseco explained, speaking from the offices of Simon Spotlight Entertainment, which published Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars and the Battle to Save Baseball, Canseco's newest book, which is to be released Monday. "In this new book, I'll tell how it all started -- my love affair with the needle. About how I just couldn't get big enough, fast enough. About how I shared the joys of altering my body's natural chemistry and severely reducing the size of my testicles with others, through the intoxicating allure of the steroid needle."
Canseco said he decided to work on the new project because "staining baseball's name just started getting boring to me." With the new book, Canseco says he "can open up a whole new world of unsuspecting people to slander."
Canseco will explain in the new book how he would carry syringes with him "everywhere", and inject people when they weren't looking.
"In the neck, in the arm, behind the ear, on the buttocks -- my needle went into all sorts of different people in all sorts of different areas," Canseco said.
When asked to explain how he could have injected people's buttocks' without their knowledge, Canseco grinned, winked, and said, "You'll see, this holiday season."
The general population, which figures to be possibly implicated in Canseco's next project, had no comment beyond a terse statement released thru its publicist.
"We have no comment about anything Mr. Canseco says at this time," the people said. "We're going to reserve comment until we see a copy of the book. It's our belief that we were not ever injected by Mr. Canseco with any sort of steroids or HGH. And if we were, then we deny it."
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sober, Ruly Fan And Drunk, Unruly Fan Form Unlikely Bond
Chicago, IL. (Mar. 26) - Rooting for the Second City's sports teams has been the common denominator in an unlikely bond that is forming between Justin Michael, a clean, sober, 25-year-old Web designer, and Darrell Gagnon, an almost constantly inebriated, unemployed 29-year-old.
"Justin's a real cool dude," Gagnon said in between periods of a recent Blackhawks game, as he half-slumped against a restroom door, shnockered, while Michael stood in line for beer -- Gagnon's -- and his own nachos. "He's like, awesome, man. Justin rocks!," Gagnon added before a dizzy spell nearly sent him to the floor.
For his part, Michael shrugs off his new friend's loud, obnoxious behavior at sporting events.
"Darrell doesn't mean half of what he says. Maybe not even a quarter. I'd say he means about 22 percent of what he says. He's a real nice guy, deep down. So when he berated Bears quarterback Rex Grossman about his wheelchair-bound, learning disabled nephew, it was mainly the beer talking," Michael says.
Gagnon, who doesn't recall the Grossman incident, or much of anything previous to last Thursday, agreed.
"I just get a little excited, man. I'm like REALLY into it. The beer makes me louder, that's all," Gagnon said as he waddled into the concourse at the United Center, clumsily bumping into several fans, some of whom he responded to with a hearty "Hawks RULE!"
Justin Michael (top) and unlikely friend Darrell Gagnon (bottom)
Michael admits that sometimes he "sinks into my seat" when Gagnon goes off on one of his beer-fueled, profanity-laced tirades.
"I know I'm responsible for him -- I buy his beer because he never has any money -- but I'm human, too. I don't always want people to know I'm with Darrell."
Michael said the two met at a Bulls game during last season's playoffs.
"Darrell was bumming a ride back from the stadium after the game," Michael explained. "I thought it was kind of dangerous, to have him out there, in traffic, trying to flag someone down. So I ran out there, grabbed his arm, and pulled him back onto the curb."
The two forged an almost immediate bond -- with Michael's Internet career being fascinating to Gagnon.
"Actually, Darrell wanted to know if I'd ever designed any porn sites," Michael said. "Then he'd call me or IM me several times a day, wondering if I could get him into several adult sites without actually buying a membership."
Michael was unable to help satisfy Gagnon's perverted desires, but that didn't stop the two fans from becoming friends.
"Darrell knows I always got his back," Michael said. "The dude's got nobody else, really. His mom -- he doesn't even know where she is. And his dad, he thinks, is doing time somewhere."
Gagnon, after making his way back to his seat for the second period, echoed Michael's support.
"JUSTIN!! WHOO-HOO!! YEAH!", he screamed before being told to sit down and shut up.
"Justin's a real cool dude," Gagnon said in between periods of a recent Blackhawks game, as he half-slumped against a restroom door, shnockered, while Michael stood in line for beer -- Gagnon's -- and his own nachos. "He's like, awesome, man. Justin rocks!," Gagnon added before a dizzy spell nearly sent him to the floor.
For his part, Michael shrugs off his new friend's loud, obnoxious behavior at sporting events.
"Darrell doesn't mean half of what he says. Maybe not even a quarter. I'd say he means about 22 percent of what he says. He's a real nice guy, deep down. So when he berated Bears quarterback Rex Grossman about his wheelchair-bound, learning disabled nephew, it was mainly the beer talking," Michael says.
Gagnon, who doesn't recall the Grossman incident, or much of anything previous to last Thursday, agreed.
"I just get a little excited, man. I'm like REALLY into it. The beer makes me louder, that's all," Gagnon said as he waddled into the concourse at the United Center, clumsily bumping into several fans, some of whom he responded to with a hearty "Hawks RULE!"
Justin Michael (top) and unlikely friend Darrell Gagnon (bottom)
Michael admits that sometimes he "sinks into my seat" when Gagnon goes off on one of his beer-fueled, profanity-laced tirades.
"I know I'm responsible for him -- I buy his beer because he never has any money -- but I'm human, too. I don't always want people to know I'm with Darrell."
Michael said the two met at a Bulls game during last season's playoffs.
"Darrell was bumming a ride back from the stadium after the game," Michael explained. "I thought it was kind of dangerous, to have him out there, in traffic, trying to flag someone down. So I ran out there, grabbed his arm, and pulled him back onto the curb."
The two forged an almost immediate bond -- with Michael's Internet career being fascinating to Gagnon.
"Actually, Darrell wanted to know if I'd ever designed any porn sites," Michael said. "Then he'd call me or IM me several times a day, wondering if I could get him into several adult sites without actually buying a membership."
Michael was unable to help satisfy Gagnon's perverted desires, but that didn't stop the two fans from becoming friends.
"Darrell knows I always got his back," Michael said. "The dude's got nobody else, really. His mom -- he doesn't even know where she is. And his dad, he thinks, is doing time somewhere."
Gagnon, after making his way back to his seat for the second period, echoed Michael's support.
"JUSTIN!! WHOO-HOO!! YEAH!", he screamed before being told to sit down and shut up.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Actor, Singer, Host John Davidson "Couldn't Be Prouder" Of His University's NCAA Run
Las Vegas, NV. (Mar. 24) - Actor, singer, talk show and game show host John Davidson says he "couldn't be prouder" of what Davidson University, named after him, has done in the NCAA basketball tournament.
Tenth-seeded Davidson -- the school -- upset no. 4 seed Georgetown yesterday to advance to the tourney's Sweet 16, reaching the Midwest Regional Final Four.
And the school's namesake spoke out about the success before a show last night at Caesars Palace.
"Thrilled ... just thrilled. I knew those young men could do it," the 66-year-old Davidson said. "The school was supposed to initially be targeting the fine arts, but a few years ago they said a few of the kids were fooling around with basketball, and would I mind if that was added to the curriculum.
"I'm glad I gave the go-ahead," Davidson said of adding basketball to the school's athletic program in 1999. The sport joined billiards, darts, slow-pitch softball, and intramural volleyball in time for the 2000-01 season.
Davidson said he "caught a few minutes" of the win over Georgetown "in between rehearsal sets", but that he hoped to be in Detroit for the school's next game -- Friday against Wisconsin.
"Tell those kids that Mr. Davidson wants to see the scrappiest, spunkiest group of young men to ever lace up a basketball," Davidson said in a statement released by his publicist. "I'm looking forward to seeing Steven Carry shoot that ball," Davidson said in the statement, apparently referring to star guard Stephen Curry.
Davidson, 28-6, won the Southern Conference, besting schools such as Winfrey College, Van Halen State, and the Joey Bishop College of Comedy.
Tenth-seeded Davidson -- the school -- upset no. 4 seed Georgetown yesterday to advance to the tourney's Sweet 16, reaching the Midwest Regional Final Four.
And the school's namesake spoke out about the success before a show last night at Caesars Palace.
"Thrilled ... just thrilled. I knew those young men could do it," the 66-year-old Davidson said. "The school was supposed to initially be targeting the fine arts, but a few years ago they said a few of the kids were fooling around with basketball, and would I mind if that was added to the curriculum.
"I'm glad I gave the go-ahead," Davidson said of adding basketball to the school's athletic program in 1999. The sport joined billiards, darts, slow-pitch softball, and intramural volleyball in time for the 2000-01 season.
Davidson said he "caught a few minutes" of the win over Georgetown "in between rehearsal sets", but that he hoped to be in Detroit for the school's next game -- Friday against Wisconsin.
"Tell those kids that Mr. Davidson wants to see the scrappiest, spunkiest group of young men to ever lace up a basketball," Davidson said in a statement released by his publicist. "I'm looking forward to seeing Steven Carry shoot that ball," Davidson said in the statement, apparently referring to star guard Stephen Curry.
Davidson, 28-6, won the Southern Conference, besting schools such as Winfrey College, Van Halen State, and the Joey Bishop College of Comedy.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Red Sox Players Unsure Whether This Stupid Japan Trip Even Counts In Standings
Tokyo (Mar. 21) - Landing in Japan yesterday, the Boston Red Sox expressed confusion, anger, and resentment as they prepared to play the Oakland Athletics on Tuesday, in what is apparently the opening of the MLB season.
But the Red Sox are unsure about that.
"I don't know why the heck we're even here," said catcher Jason Varitek, his eyes glazed over as he stepped off the team's charter following 27 hours in the air, a trip which covered a dozen time zones and in which the date changed at least twice. "What day is it, anyway?"
The Red Sox are slated to play the A's on Tuesday, but the Red Sox are still "fuzzy" about whether the game counts in the regular season standings, according to team spokesman Darrell Horner.
"I THINK it does," said Horner after pausing for several seconds before answering. But then Horner sighed, asked for a moment, rubbed his temples, and added. "You know what? I better get back to you on that, actually."
If the games in Japan do, indeed, count, it would be the earliest the MLB season has ever opened. The other 28 teams don't open until March 31.
"This is bull****," groused third baseman Mike Lowell. "I mean, come on! I'm still working out the kinks in my swing, and I'm still trying to lose some of this paunch from the winter. Frankly, I think we're just here because of that Dice-K guy."
Lowell was referring to pitcher and Japanese native Daisuke Matsuzaka, who's being lavished with media attention and geisha girls constantly, according to sources. Matsuzaka's teammates suspect that the Japan trip is solely for his benefit, so he can "be all Japanese and s*** and nobody will care," according to a player who requested anonymity.
Dice-K smiled and said, "Good to be home," upon leaving the airport tarmac, where he was met by dozens of reporters with cameras around their necks. Then he added as he made his way to the terminal, "Everyone here very nice to me."
Matsuzaka appeared to be the only Red Sox player who was enjoying, or even understanding the relevance of the trip.
"I tell you what, these games better count or I'm gonna bust up the place," said first baseman David Ortiz. "Do they count or not?!"
Horner, within earshot of Ortiz, said, "I don't KNOW! God, let me think for a second!"
But the Red Sox are unsure about that.
"I don't know why the heck we're even here," said catcher Jason Varitek, his eyes glazed over as he stepped off the team's charter following 27 hours in the air, a trip which covered a dozen time zones and in which the date changed at least twice. "What day is it, anyway?"
The Red Sox are slated to play the A's on Tuesday, but the Red Sox are still "fuzzy" about whether the game counts in the regular season standings, according to team spokesman Darrell Horner.
"I THINK it does," said Horner after pausing for several seconds before answering. But then Horner sighed, asked for a moment, rubbed his temples, and added. "You know what? I better get back to you on that, actually."
If the games in Japan do, indeed, count, it would be the earliest the MLB season has ever opened. The other 28 teams don't open until March 31.
"This is bull****," groused third baseman Mike Lowell. "I mean, come on! I'm still working out the kinks in my swing, and I'm still trying to lose some of this paunch from the winter. Frankly, I think we're just here because of that Dice-K guy."
Lowell was referring to pitcher and Japanese native Daisuke Matsuzaka, who's being lavished with media attention and geisha girls constantly, according to sources. Matsuzaka's teammates suspect that the Japan trip is solely for his benefit, so he can "be all Japanese and s*** and nobody will care," according to a player who requested anonymity.
Dice-K smiled and said, "Good to be home," upon leaving the airport tarmac, where he was met by dozens of reporters with cameras around their necks. Then he added as he made his way to the terminal, "Everyone here very nice to me."
Matsuzaka appeared to be the only Red Sox player who was enjoying, or even understanding the relevance of the trip.
"I tell you what, these games better count or I'm gonna bust up the place," said first baseman David Ortiz. "Do they count or not?!"
Horner, within earshot of Ortiz, said, "I don't KNOW! God, let me think for a second!"
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