Red Sox Players Unsure Whether This Stupid Japan Trip Even Counts In Standings

Tokyo (Mar. 21) - Landing in Japan yesterday, the Boston Red Sox expressed confusion, anger, and resentment as they prepared to play the Oakland Athletics on Tuesday, in what is apparently the opening of the MLB season.

But the Red Sox are unsure about that.

"I don't know why the heck we're even here," said catcher Jason Varitek, his eyes glazed over as he stepped off the team's charter following 27 hours in the air, a trip which covered a dozen time zones and in which the date changed at least twice. "What day is it, anyway?"

The Red Sox are slated to play the A's on Tuesday, but the Red Sox are still "fuzzy" about whether the game counts in the regular season standings, according to team spokesman Darrell Horner.

"I THINK it does," said Horner after pausing for several seconds before answering. But then Horner sighed, asked for a moment, rubbed his temples, and added. "You know what? I better get back to you on that, actually."

If the games in Japan do, indeed, count, it would be the earliest the MLB season has ever opened. The other 28 teams don't open until March 31.

"This is bull****," groused third baseman Mike Lowell. "I mean, come on! I'm still working out the kinks in my swing, and I'm still trying to lose some of this paunch from the winter. Frankly, I think we're just here because of that Dice-K guy."

Lowell was referring to pitcher and Japanese native Daisuke Matsuzaka, who's being lavished with media attention and geisha girls constantly, according to sources. Matsuzaka's teammates suspect that the Japan trip is solely for his benefit, so he can "be all Japanese and s*** and nobody will care," according to a player who requested anonymity.

Dice-K smiled and said, "Good to be home," upon leaving the airport tarmac, where he was met by dozens of reporters with cameras around their necks. Then he added as he made his way to the terminal, "Everyone here very nice to me."

Matsuzaka appeared to be the only Red Sox player who was enjoying, or even understanding the relevance of the trip.

"I tell you what, these games better count or I'm gonna bust up the place," said first baseman David Ortiz. "Do they count or not?!"

Horner, within earshot of Ortiz, said, "I don't KNOW! God, let me think for a second!"