Tampa Bay Rays F**king Everything Up

Tampa, FL. (May 19) - Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon held an informal press conference before yesterday's game to apologize to the baseball world -- especially the fans in Boston and New York -- for his team, in his words, "f**king everything up" in the standings.

"I really don't have any excuses," Maddon said before the Rays' game in St. Louis. "I never would have dreamed this would happen -- mostly mistake-free baseball filled with timely hitting and decent pitching. At least not for this long of a stretch, anyway."

The Rays, who've never come close to a winning season in their 11-year existence, are 25-19 and are only one game behind Boston in the AL East Division.

But Maddon's players were quick to come to their manager's defense.

"Hey, we lose as a team and we win as a team," said pitcher James Shields, who is REALLY f**king everything up with his terrific starts. "You can't point the finger at Joe. He's not the one moving runners from first to third or getting a big strikeout to end an opponent's rally. I know it's easy to blame one man rather than 25, but fair is fair. I mean, look at me. I didn't go out there in my last start trying to throw a one-hit shutout. But stuff happens, you know?"

Maddon said he "has run out of things to say" to the media about the Rays' start, which is completely turning the division and, by extension, the entire league upside down.

"Well, that's just great," said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon when told of Maddon's remarks. "He has no clue? He can't give us even a HINT of what the hell is going on down there? Terrific."

Maddon said that he would address his team before its next game.

"Obviously we need a little wake-up call," Maddon said about his team's tardiness in playing mediocre, Tampa-like baseball. "Maybe a meeting will do the trick. Tell the folks in Boston and New York to just bear with me here."