Foxboro, Mass. (Oct. 13) - For years, he wondered what it was, but was too shy to ask. Yesterday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady finally spoke up: what IS that stuff pouring from the foreheads and arms of my teammates?
"He had never known what sweat was," explained head coach Bill Belichick after practice to a group of reporters called into his office for a special media gathering. "Mainly because he has never experienced the phenomenon."
Brady celebrating another Super Bowl win, in which he clearly did not sweat, as this photo illustrates
Brady, according to teammates who requested anonymity, called a special team meeting in which he was the sole speaker.
"Basically, he was pretty choked up," one player said. "Because he seemed ashamed that he didn't know what it was that we were going through.
"But we said, 'Aww man -- it's just sweat!' Then he asked us what that was. We were stunned, but then we understood. The dude never sweats!"
Brady's mates, according to the sources, surrounded him and hugged him, explaining that the secreted fluid oozing out of their skin was "certainly nothing to be worried about."
"I think he thought we were like, all possessed or something," another player said.
Then, in a moment described by those that were there as "emotional," "gut-wrenching," and "surreal," Brady asked if he could be taught how to sweat.
"But we were like, 'It's up to you,'" another anonymous player said. "If you weren't so damned efficient and near perfect every week, then maybe you'd sweat, too!"
Players and coaches then put Brady through a grueling pass-and-catch workout, complete with full pass rush, but 15 minutes of work in the 65-degree sun failed to produce even a droplet of sweat.
Practice was then called due to fears over the conditioning of the defensive linemen, who were gasping for air and cramping up.
"Man," one lineman said as he received treatment for dehydration in the locker room, "that dude (Brady) is unbelievable."
Brady then announced that, his curiosity about sweat satisfied, he would be able to play even better than his current league-leading QB rating of 128.7 -- with that off his chest.
When told of that declaration, one rival NFL head coach said, "Oh good God."
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