Torre Expresses Interest In Having A-Rod, Posada, Jeter, Clemens, Abreu, Rivera, Matsui, Cano, Pettitte Join Dodgers

Los Angeles, CA (Nov. 30) - New Dodgers manager Joe Torre has told reporters that he would be open to having Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter, Roger Clemens, Bobby Abreu, Mariano Rivera, Hideki Matsui, Robinson Cano, and Andy Pettitte join him in Los Angeles in 2008.

"Just think of it," Torre said yesterday, "it'd be like getting the old gang back together!"

Torre, who became Dodgers manager after 12 seasons in New York with the Yankees, sat in his new office with his feet up, nursing a Scotch-and-water as he waxed nostalgic about his time in the Bronx.

"Yeah, it was good times," Torre said, swirling the ice cubes in his drink. "We did some good things there." Then he looked out the window, returned to his drink, and added, "I'm gonna miss those guys."

When asked if his feelings were because of the tight bond he formed with his players on a personal level, Torre shook his head.

"No, because they're pretty f***ing good players!" Torre said as he poured more Scotch into his glass, eschewing water this time.

"Damn! Why can't we get those guys? We'd be soo much better," Torre added, his voice becoming increasingly more whiny the more he spoke.

Dodgers manager Ned Colletti, when told of Torre's comments, took them in stride.

"Joe's having buyer's remorse perhaps," Colletti said with a shrug. "I'll talk to him, after he sobers up a bit."

Torre insisted the addition of Rodriguez, Posada, Jeter, Clemens, Abreu, Rivera, Matsui, Cano, and Pettitte would "make my job ten f**ing times easier," and that the Dodgers should "put their money where their mouth is" and do "whatever it takes" to secure those players for him.

"I didn't come here to lose," Torre said, his eyes getting glassy. "I know those players. I know what they're capable of. Get them and I promise you we're a playoff team."

When told that the Dodgers' budget almost certainly couldn't sustain such a talented group all at once, Torre scowled and went "Psssshhhh," waving his hand dismissively.

"Oh, I can't afford it!," Torre said in a mocking voice, as if speaking from the team's perspective. "Well, boo-f***ing-hoo!"

Torre ended the impromptu press gathering by finishing his bottle of Scotch and slumping, the thud of his head hitting the desk signaling the end of the discussion.

Bulls Stunned To Learn That Regular Season Started Three Weeks Ago

Chicago, IL (Nov. 28) - Sheepish and contrite, Chicago Bulls coach Scott Skiles and his players expressed genuine surprise today that the NBA regular season actually began several weeks ago.

"You have GOT to be kidding me," Skiles said after his 3-10 team's practice. "Well, color me red-faced. This is terribly embarrassing ... please excuse me," Skiles added before quickly gathering his players at center court to tell them of their misunderstanding of the schedule.

Skiles admitted that he was "a little surprised" that the pre-season, which actually ended in late October, was still going on. Turns out he was terribly misinformed.

"Our info had the regular season starting in early December," Skiles said after breaking the news to his stunned players. "I simply don't know what to say. Our bad."

The Bulls, who won on Tuesday in what they believed to be the exhibition season finale, lost 10 of their first 13 games by playing uninspired, careless basketball -- both hallmarks of pre-season play.

"I swear to you on a stack of bibles that I thought the regular season started next week," guard Kirk Hinrich said after Skiles dropped the bombshell. "Sh*t, if I had known that, I would have gotten my jump shot around a long time ago!"


Kirk Hinrich drives against the Pistons earlier this month in what he believed to be a meaningless exhibition game

Bulls GM John Paxson took complete responsibility for the gaffe, calling it a "stain" on the Bulls franchise.

"The buck stops with me," Paxson said. "I must have grabbed November with October when I flipped my calendar," he added, trying to explain away the mixup. Paxson said that, from now on, he would use one of those big desktop calendars where you have to rip the month off, saying it would be less likely for him to skip a month with such a calendar.

The Bulls have been booed at home by their fans this season, all of whom assumed their basketball team knew the regular season was well underway.

"They were dull, listless, and pretty much pathetic," said fan Darrell Pittman of Elgin, Illinois. "But they've been like that a lot in seasons past. I guess I just took it for granted that they knew the season started.

"Geez, that's pretty f***ing stupid, don't you think?"

Skiles, after learning of his team's tardiness in beginning regular season play, tried to make up for lost time by asking Ben Wallace twice to leave practice if he didn't want to be there, suspending Ben Gordon for a game two weeks ago, and jousting with a Chicago reporter about a loss on November 12.

Dolphins Demand Recount After Monday Night's Close Loss

Miami, FL (Nov. 27) - The winless Miami Dolphins, encouraged by their close match with the powerful Pittsburgh Steelers last night on "Monday Night Football," have called for the NFL to do a recount of the 3-0 final score.

"It just seems too close to call," a weary and damp Miami coach Cam Cameron said after the game, which was played in horrendous weather conditions. "It was raining so hard and the field was in such bad shape, how can the officials be that confident that they got the final score right?"

The Steelers, according to the official result, won on a 24-yard field goal with seventeen seconds remaining. But Cameron wasn't buying it.

"I could barely see the ball," Cameron said of the apparent game-winning kick. "Besides, even if it WAS good, who's to say that we didn't pick up a few points along the way? In fact, my assistants upstairs swore that we scored a touchdown late in the third quarter.

"I still think there are some more points out there for us, if the officials would just count them again."

The Dolphins, 0-11, are trying to avoid being the league's first winless team since the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

"I can't believe they're just going to let the Steelers walk away with that razor-thin win," complained Miami-area sportswriter Dan LeBatard. "Neither team could get much going, thanks to the field conditions. You mean to tell me that the officials are 100% certain that the Dolphins didn't score at least three points themselves?"

NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said that recounts are against league policy.

"Never happened, and not gonna happen," Aiello said.

Sports psychologist Dr. Frederick Warren said that the Dolphins' pleas for a recount are a normal reaction to such a result.

"It's completely in line for them to feel that way," Dr. Warren said. He added that he watched the game and has some empathy for the Dolphins.

"I must admit, I thought I saw the Dolphins tackle Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for a safety just before halftime," Dr. Warren said. "So that would make the score even closer, 3-2. I think a recount would be appropriate under those circumstances."

Cameron said that if the NFL refuses his request, he would have no other choice than to protest by "setting myself down on the floor and holding my breath while kicking and balling my fists."

When told of Cameron's threat, Aiello said, "Fine. Still no recount."

Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin said, diplomatically, "Let's just say that I have complete confidence in the scoring process that this league was founded upon."

Favre To Seriously Consider Retirement Every Week During Packers' Playoff Push

Green Bay, WI (Nov. 25) - Buoyed by his success, and that of his team's, which is following yet another offseason of retirement questions, Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre announced yesterday that he will seriously consider hanging up his spikes every week thru the rest of the season and into the playoffs.

"It's clear that this keeping everyone on the edge of their seat every year is paying dividends," Favre said, two days after another brilliant performance on Thanksgiving Day. "So I'm going to build it into my weekly routine."

Favre said that every Monday, he'll speak pessimistically about coming back for the Packers' next game, citing his age (he's 38) and family concerns. Tuesday is the players' day off. On Wednesdays, according to the plan, coach Mike McCarthy will tell the media that he REALLY hopes Favre suits up for "one more week." On Thursdays, Favre will hear pleas from upper management and his teammates not to retire. On Fridays, fans will be encouraged to e-mail the team and call sports talk radio, talking in almost suicidal tones about what life without Favre would be like. Finally, every Saturday, Favre says he'll announce that he's coming back for "another shot at a championship."

"Why fix what's not broken?" McCarthy said of Favre's plan. "The uncertainty over Brett's return has worked wonders for us in 2007," McCarthy said, referring to his team's unlikely 10-1 start. "So I can't wait to have that tension in the air every week, from now until, hopefully, Super Bowl XLII."

Favre's teammates were wide open to the new plan.

"I think it's great," said receiver Greg Jennings. "I can't wait for that pall to be cast over the team Monday morning, when Brett starts talking retirement. I miss that feeling."

"I know he's a big family man," said receiver Donald Driver, warming up for the weekly casting of doubts. "So I know that will play a big part as to whether he plays against the Cowboys," Driver added about the Packers' next game. "We need him, big time. But he needs to do what's right for Brett Favre."


Favre will continue to use the threat of retirement thru the remainder of the season and into the playoffs, to keep his team sharp

Favre kicked his new plan off by hinting to reporters as soon as the team plane landed from Detroit that he's played his last NFL game.

"That was the way I'd like to go out," he said of his four-TD pass performance on Thanksgiving, which included 20 straight completions at one point. "I mean, if I WERE going out, which, to be honest, I haven't decided yet."

When pressed, Favre added, "I'll let y'all know Monday. I'll have more to say then. Right now I just want to spend the rest of the weekend with my family, who I love, and who I'd love to spend more time with -- including on fall Sundays. But we'll see."

NFL analyst John Clayton of ESPN praised Favre for his comments.

"Perfectly executed," Clayton said of Favre's cryptic words. "It's classic Brett Favre. He displays his love for the game, but also tells us how much his family means to him. He really nailed it again -- as always."

When asked what he thought Favre's words meant, Clayton said, "I have to think that Brett may have played his last game. But then again, I'm not sure. Hard to tell. I guess we'll find out soon enough. That's what's so great about Brett Favre -- you never know if he's going to retire or not. Brilliant."

McCarthy says he will plan for the Cowboys as if Favre will stay unretired.

"There's really no other way to do it," the coach said. "Until Brett tells me, for sure, that that's it, then he's my quarterback."

Cowboys coach Wade Phillips said, "If Brett Favre lines up behind center against us, then football fans the world over will not have seen the last of an icon. But is he's not there, then he's had a Hall of Fame career. I can say with all sincerity that it's been a joy to compete against him -- not to use the past tense. Damn! Why doesn't he just make up his dad-gummed mind?"

MLB Launches Recruitment Campaign To Replenish "Dangerously Low" Supply Of Hard-Nosed, Backup Catchers

New York, NY (Nov. 22) - Citing its supply of hard-nosed, backup catchers as being "dangerously low," Major League Baseball unveiled a new recruitment campaign designed to replenish the dwindling number of second-string backstops.

"If you're a catcher low on actual baseball talent but with a never-say-die attitude, we want to take a look at you," Commissioner Bud Selig said in announcing the aggressive new campaign.

MLB screened for reporters a new 30-second commercial that it hopes will lure catchers who have no chance of ever being a consistent starter into the life of a hard-nosed backup. Entitled "Every Team Needs A Second Catcher," the campaign's TV spot features today's current crop of hard-nosed backups waxing eloquent about the joys of their job.

"I thought my career was over when I realized I couldn't hit better than .220," says Todd Pratt, a career backup. "But then I decided my lack of baseball skills wouldn't stop me from realizing my dream," Pratt continues in the spot, which includes fellow backups talking about the benefits of their lot in life.

Some of the things cited in the campaign that MLB hopes will successfully solicit new members to the hard-nosed backup catcher brotherhood are: playing only once every nine days (keeps body fresher longer); anything you contribute offensively is a bonus; fans appreciate the way you hung in there gamely in that last collision at the plate; and hot chicks will still find you attractive, because they can be duped into thinking that you're the starter and an All-Star-caliber player.

"We know this country is positively crawling with marginally-talented, hard-nosed catchers who hit for sh*t but aren't afraid to get their uniforms dirty," Selig said. "And now we make this public plea: we need you in Major League Baseball, and soon."

The ranks of hard-nosed backup catchers began declining in the late-1990s, according to a report released by Selig.

"Unfortunately, gone seem to be the days of the likes of Bill Plummer, Duffy Dyer, and Marc Hill," catching analyst Mitch Hunter said in the wake of Selig's announced recruitment campaign. "The 1970s were the 'Golden Era' for hard-nosed backups. For some reason, MLB has been unable to keep this awful yet necessary category of player adequately stocked. This campaign may seem desperate, but it is what it is."


Baseball, according to its latest research, is running dangerously low on mostly untalented, yet hard-nosed backup catchers like the Tigers' Vance Wilson, shown tagging out someone who's a far better player than he is


Hunter pointed to Detroit Tiger Vance Wilson's season-long elbow injury in 2007 as a huge blow to the hard-nosed backups' relevance to baseball. "Wilson is a throwback," Hunter said of the Tigers backstop, who Hunter praised for his "questionable hitting talent but seemingly excellent defensive skills and his ability to give the impression that he works well with pitchers." Hunter said that baseball can "ill afford" to lose someone of Wilson's mediocre stature next season.

The campaign will focus itself on the low minor leagues and junior colleges, and might even expand to the high school level, depending upon how serious the dearth of hard-nosed backup catchers is deemed.

Also named as "concerns" but not urgent -- at this time -- are MLB's supply of scrappy, good field/no hit middle infielders, spot pitching starters, and thinking man's players. Also being monitored are players' managers and "guys who just want to win."

Area Music Fan Totally Confused, Disillusioned By Utah Jazz Name, Logo

Salt Lake City, UT (Nov. 21) - Local music fan Stuart Ferency is reportedly "confused and disillusioned" about the use of the word "jazz" in the name and logo of his city's National Basketball Association franchise.

"I don't know what to make of it," Ferency said as he left his neighborhood Media Play, having just bought some John Coltrane and Count Basie CDs. "A friend asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to go see the Utah Jazz play, and I was intrigued," Ferency, a self-described non-sports fan, said. "So we go the the concert -- or what I thought was a concert -- and there's all this basketball going on."

Ferency said after nearly an hour of the offending sport, he asked his friend "when the music is going to start."


Stuart Ferency returns home after a perplexing hour of watching the Utah Jazz play basketball; he had thought he was attending a concert


After some initial laughter from the friend that turned into an uncomfortable, nervous chuckle once he realized Ferency was serious, Ferency shook his head and left the arena.

"I'm thinking of suing for false advertising," he said as he skidaddled to his Ford Focus.

Ferency's friend and basketball game accomplice, Sean Gilbert, said he tried to explain to Ferency the Jazz's history.

"I was like, 'Dude, this is our BASKETBALL team'," Gilbert said when reached by phone yesterday evening. "I could tell he was confused. So I told him of how the Jazz came to Utah."

But after only 30 seconds of his explanation, Gilbert stopped.


The Utah Jazz logo, which has confounded many

"Even I couldn't believe it, to be honest with you," he said.

The Jazz were known, more appropriately, as the New Orleans Jazz from 1974-1979, before the franchise moved to Salt Lake City. Yet the team kept the name Jazz, even though Salt Lake City isn't known for music at all, let alone jazz.

Then there was the matter of the logo, according to Gilbert.

"I tried like five times to start a sentence describing the logo," Gilbert said, "but it was pretty much useless trying to validate that sorry ass piece of sh*t design," he added of the logo, which splays the word "jazz" across snow-covered mountains.

"When was the last time you made a connection between jazz and freaking mountains?," Gilbert said. "No wonder the dude was trippin'," he said, referring to Ferency.

Gilbert's troubles don't end with Ferency.

"I have a little cousin who lives in Minnesota," Gilbert said. "And he's been asking me why they call the hockey team 'the Wild.'

"Son-of-a-bitch!"

Doctors Have No Idea What Tommy John Surgery Was Called Before Tommy John

Press Conference in chaos; reporter killed

Atlanta, GA (Nov. 20) - A press conference discussing the latest MLB pitcher to have Tommy John surgery was stopped in its tracks when the question arose as to what the surgery was called before Tommy John came along.

"Gosh, you know what? I don't know!," noted arm surgeon Dr. James Andrews said, rubbing his chin. "Huh!"

"Wow," added Dr. William Henderson, who shared the podium with Dr. Andrews. "That's an EXCELLENT question.

"I'll...I guess...wow...let me get back to you on that," Dr. Henderson said.

The doctors were discussing surgery on the Cardinals' Cris Carpenter, which involves taking a ligament from one's leg and attaching it to the arm. It's been known as Tommy John surgery ever since John had it in 1974.

But when a reporter asked, innocently, "What did they call the surgery BEFORE it was done on Tommy John?," the press conference careened out of control.

Loud murmurs were heard as Drs. Andrews and Henderson fumbled their way thru clearly made up answers that they didn't even bother to complete.

"I think we just saw medical science set back about 33 years," said journalist Phil Morris, who was covering the press conference for the New England Patriots Journal of Medicine.

"What a turn of events!," said reporter Sylvia Hertel of the Baseball Science Digest. "The doctors were completely bamboozled. This is just a mind-boggling development in the area of arm surgery."

The reporter who asked the question, tentatively identified as Stephen Boullabaise of Surgery Today Magazine, was wrestled to the ground by security before being tasered, pepper sprayed, choked, cuffed with plastic ties, and garrotted. He was later tortured and killed, which saddened the man for whom the surgery was named.

"A shame," Tommy John said of Boullabaise's death. "From now on, I guess reporters who are killed will be known as having Stephen Boullabaise discipline."