Area Man Sees Michigan Football Coaching Job On Monster.com, Eagerly Awaits Interview

Is Buoyed By Rejections by Miles, Schiano

Ann Arbor, MI (Dec. 7) - Local resident and unemployed data entry clerk Jeremy Robbins is encouraged by the recent rejections by Les Miles and Greg Schiano of the University of Michigan coaching job, which he applied for on the Internet job search engine Monster.com.

"Hey, the less competition the better," Robbins said after hearing of the "NOs" given by LSU coach Miles and Rutgers coach Schiano this week. "I submitted my resume and cover letter on Monday. I then received confirmation that I applied, which I saved into a folder I created called 'Job Search', " Robbins told reporters.

Robbins, 26, who admits his candidacy is "light" on football coaching experience, nonetheless considers that his chances "just got a whole lot better" now that once-proud Michigan has been turned down by two big-name coaches.

"The way I figure it, they (U-M) might want to end the embarrassment and just settle for someone cheaper and who's likely to say yes," Robbins theorized.

Robbins, whose football experience includes a year on junior varsity at Ann Arbor Pioneer High School and "significant" flag football in intramurals, listed as his coaching experience "calling plays" for his Strat-o-Matic tabletop football league, of which he's the "coach" of the 1997 Indianapolis Colts.


U-M coaching candidate Jeremy Robbins

"But mainly I watch a lot of football and can tell you, pretty much, what's going to happen at any given time," Robbins says.

Friends and associates aren't quick to dismiss Robbins's candidacy. In fact, some think he might be a good fit for the legendary school.

"Really? He did?," friend Brian Conacher said when told of Robbins's mouse click, which sent his resume and cover letter to the e-mail "in" box of U-M Athletic Director Bill Martin, via Monster.com's server. "Well good for him. Jeremy's got a more wide-open offensive philosophy than (retiring coach) Lloyd Carr. I think Michigan needs more excitement. Jeremy provides that."

Fellow Strat-o-Matic leaguer Aaron Hawkins echoed Conacher's endorsement.

"If nothing else, Jeremy puts his all into everything," Hawkins said. "I can definitely see him working 70, 80 hours a week -- sleeping in the office, the whole nine yards."

Another friend, Skip Hinton, said Robbins would run a program that would be "clean as a whistle."

"Michigan would have no worries with Jeremy," Hinton said. "No recruitment violations. The worse thing he might do would be maybe play too much Madden on Playstation with a recruit, and lose track of time."

Robbins worked as a data entry clerk for an Ann Arbor publishing company for two years, before a slow-down in business led to his layoff in April.

"Man, you don't know how many resumes I've put out there," he said. "Time to think outside the box a bit."

College football observers were mildly surprised, but not shocked, that the Michigan job ended up on Monster.com.

"After their no. 1 candidate, Miles, turned them down, I suspect Michigan wanted to cover all bases," said analyst Lee Corso. "What better way to attract 'diamonds in the rough' than with an Internet posting?"

Sources close to the search say that as of Thursday, the university had received over 200 applications from the Monster.com posting. That doesn't discourage Robbins.

"My cousin, who's a writer, helped me with my cover letter," Robbins said. "And my sister helped me with the resume. She really made me look better than I am. But what the hell? Everyone does it."

Robbins said if Michigan doesn't call, he "has tons more applications out there." But, he added, "I'm local, I'll work cheap, and does Michigan really want to get rejected again?"

Testaverde Charms Carolina Banquet Audience With Stories Of Red Grange, George Halas As A Water Boy

Greensboro, NC (Dec. 6) - Carolina Panthers quarterback Vinny Testaverde, the oldest player in the NFL, delighted an audience of seniors with his recollections of legendary football greats such as Red Grange, Bronko Nagurski, and a teenaged George Halas.

Testaverde, speaking at the annual "Life Begins At 70" luncheon banquet in Greensboro, charmed the audience of over 300 with his personal accounts.

"It really took me back," sighed attendee Virgil Huggins, 88. "Vinny's stories of how he and Grange used to try to throw the pigskin through an old tire were wonderful. I'm so proud that the's the Panthers' quarterback."

Added fellow attendee Erskine Tubbs, 84: "I especially liked how Vinny would poke fun at himself when he was a wide-eyed youth hanging around with Halas when Halas was a Bears water boy. Classic stuff."


A then-48-year-old Testaverde celebrates a win with Jimmy Johnson in the QB's college days, circa 1966

Testaverde, signed earlier this season after injuries depleted the Panthers' QB ranks, led Carolina to its first home win last Sunday. And he used that win to draw an analogy.

"That win (on Sunday) reminded me of something Nagurski (Bears running back in the 1930s) told me before he was set to play the Canton Bulldogs in 1933: 'We're due', " Testaverde said to chuckles and polite applause.

Testaverde's speech was interrupted six times by applause, four times by violent coughing from luncheon attendees, and twice by paramedics.

"I think it's terrific that the NFL has a guy of Vinny's sense of history," said luncheon organizer Betty Phillips, 73. "When he told the crowd of how he first decided to become a football player after watching Grange play at Illinois, well, you could have heard a pin drop. That is, if Charley (Davis, an attendee) hadn't had his coughing fit."

Testaverde told of how his desire to be an NFL quarterback came from watching the league grow from its infancy.

"They needed fellas who could throw the ball," Testaverde said. "The forward pass was just coming to the forefront in the pro game. So I kind of jumped in one day at practice.

"The rest, as they, is history."

Testaverde further impressed the crowd by informing them that he would stay to sign their prescription pill bottles, and pose for photos -- though he showed his age in doing so.

"Who wants an autographed daguerrotype?," Testaverde said.

Canadiens Regain Power In NHL After Bloodless Coup

Seize Stanley Cup After 15-Year Exile

New York, NY (Dec. 3) - The Montreal Canadiens, that tradition-rich hockey franchise, returned from a 15-year exile and reclaimed the Stanley Cup in a bloodless, swift coup yesterday at league offices.

"Le Cup du Stanley est avec les Habitants!," shouted defenseman Mathieu Dandenault as he held aloft hockey's Holy Grail inside the office of commissioner Gary Bettman, which was seized by Dandenault and his teammates, who were dressed as the 1965 Canadiens for effect, yesterday around 1:45 P.M.

The Montreal Canadiens, disguised as the 1965 champions, pose with their newly seized Stanley Cup yesterday

The Canadiens, who last won the Cup in 1993, had been dormant for so long that many hockey observers figured they were either seceding their rights to the trophy and league supremacy, or were plotting a return to power. Obviously, yesterday's actions confirmed that it was the latter.

"We have the Stanley Cup. We hereby declare ourselves hockey's new power," forward Saku Koivu announced, speaking thru a megaphone to the bystanders below in Manhattan. "The most glorified trophy in all of sports is now where it deserves to be."

"The Montreal Canadiens stormed the league office at approximately 1:30 this afternoon," according to a statement released by the NHL. "They were heavily armed with hockey sticks and skate blades, but there was no violence. Mr. Bettman surrendered his office, and the Stanley Cup, about three minutes after their arrival."

"This confirms the chatter that I'd been hearing," said hockey analyst Bill Clement of the Versus Network. "We'd been getting intelligence that the Canadiens were plotting an overthrow and a return to their past glories."

The reigning Cup champs, the Anaheim Ducks, also weren't injured in the coup.

"I'm fine," said captain Chris Pronger. "So is everyone else. We were practicing when we heard about it. " He then added, "Well, it (being Cup champs) was fun while it lasted. I think everyone suspected the Canadiens would rise again. It's been too long."

Yesterday's seizing of the Cup now gives the Canadiens franchise 27 championship trophies in their illustrious history.

After spending some time filling the Cup with beer and champagne and drinking from it, Koivu and his new championship teammates planned to return to Montreal for a parade, which will be held Tuesday afternoon.

Bettman was briefly detained by Canadiens defenseman Patrice Brisebois, who held Bettman at arm's length by gripping the commissioner's forehead while Bettman flailed uselessly with his arms. Then he was hung on a coat hook by the back of his jacket before the players fled.

Torre Expresses Interest In Having A-Rod, Posada, Jeter, Clemens, Abreu, Rivera, Matsui, Cano, Pettitte Join Dodgers

Los Angeles, CA (Nov. 30) - New Dodgers manager Joe Torre has told reporters that he would be open to having Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter, Roger Clemens, Bobby Abreu, Mariano Rivera, Hideki Matsui, Robinson Cano, and Andy Pettitte join him in Los Angeles in 2008.

"Just think of it," Torre said yesterday, "it'd be like getting the old gang back together!"

Torre, who became Dodgers manager after 12 seasons in New York with the Yankees, sat in his new office with his feet up, nursing a Scotch-and-water as he waxed nostalgic about his time in the Bronx.

"Yeah, it was good times," Torre said, swirling the ice cubes in his drink. "We did some good things there." Then he looked out the window, returned to his drink, and added, "I'm gonna miss those guys."

When asked if his feelings were because of the tight bond he formed with his players on a personal level, Torre shook his head.

"No, because they're pretty f***ing good players!" Torre said as he poured more Scotch into his glass, eschewing water this time.

"Damn! Why can't we get those guys? We'd be soo much better," Torre added, his voice becoming increasingly more whiny the more he spoke.

Dodgers manager Ned Colletti, when told of Torre's comments, took them in stride.

"Joe's having buyer's remorse perhaps," Colletti said with a shrug. "I'll talk to him, after he sobers up a bit."

Torre insisted the addition of Rodriguez, Posada, Jeter, Clemens, Abreu, Rivera, Matsui, Cano, and Pettitte would "make my job ten f**ing times easier," and that the Dodgers should "put their money where their mouth is" and do "whatever it takes" to secure those players for him.

"I didn't come here to lose," Torre said, his eyes getting glassy. "I know those players. I know what they're capable of. Get them and I promise you we're a playoff team."

When told that the Dodgers' budget almost certainly couldn't sustain such a talented group all at once, Torre scowled and went "Psssshhhh," waving his hand dismissively.

"Oh, I can't afford it!," Torre said in a mocking voice, as if speaking from the team's perspective. "Well, boo-f***ing-hoo!"

Torre ended the impromptu press gathering by finishing his bottle of Scotch and slumping, the thud of his head hitting the desk signaling the end of the discussion.

Bulls Stunned To Learn That Regular Season Started Three Weeks Ago

Chicago, IL (Nov. 28) - Sheepish and contrite, Chicago Bulls coach Scott Skiles and his players expressed genuine surprise today that the NBA regular season actually began several weeks ago.

"You have GOT to be kidding me," Skiles said after his 3-10 team's practice. "Well, color me red-faced. This is terribly embarrassing ... please excuse me," Skiles added before quickly gathering his players at center court to tell them of their misunderstanding of the schedule.

Skiles admitted that he was "a little surprised" that the pre-season, which actually ended in late October, was still going on. Turns out he was terribly misinformed.

"Our info had the regular season starting in early December," Skiles said after breaking the news to his stunned players. "I simply don't know what to say. Our bad."

The Bulls, who won on Tuesday in what they believed to be the exhibition season finale, lost 10 of their first 13 games by playing uninspired, careless basketball -- both hallmarks of pre-season play.

"I swear to you on a stack of bibles that I thought the regular season started next week," guard Kirk Hinrich said after Skiles dropped the bombshell. "Sh*t, if I had known that, I would have gotten my jump shot around a long time ago!"


Kirk Hinrich drives against the Pistons earlier this month in what he believed to be a meaningless exhibition game

Bulls GM John Paxson took complete responsibility for the gaffe, calling it a "stain" on the Bulls franchise.

"The buck stops with me," Paxson said. "I must have grabbed November with October when I flipped my calendar," he added, trying to explain away the mixup. Paxson said that, from now on, he would use one of those big desktop calendars where you have to rip the month off, saying it would be less likely for him to skip a month with such a calendar.

The Bulls have been booed at home by their fans this season, all of whom assumed their basketball team knew the regular season was well underway.

"They were dull, listless, and pretty much pathetic," said fan Darrell Pittman of Elgin, Illinois. "But they've been like that a lot in seasons past. I guess I just took it for granted that they knew the season started.

"Geez, that's pretty f***ing stupid, don't you think?"

Skiles, after learning of his team's tardiness in beginning regular season play, tried to make up for lost time by asking Ben Wallace twice to leave practice if he didn't want to be there, suspending Ben Gordon for a game two weeks ago, and jousting with a Chicago reporter about a loss on November 12.

Dolphins Demand Recount After Monday Night's Close Loss

Miami, FL (Nov. 27) - The winless Miami Dolphins, encouraged by their close match with the powerful Pittsburgh Steelers last night on "Monday Night Football," have called for the NFL to do a recount of the 3-0 final score.

"It just seems too close to call," a weary and damp Miami coach Cam Cameron said after the game, which was played in horrendous weather conditions. "It was raining so hard and the field was in such bad shape, how can the officials be that confident that they got the final score right?"

The Steelers, according to the official result, won on a 24-yard field goal with seventeen seconds remaining. But Cameron wasn't buying it.

"I could barely see the ball," Cameron said of the apparent game-winning kick. "Besides, even if it WAS good, who's to say that we didn't pick up a few points along the way? In fact, my assistants upstairs swore that we scored a touchdown late in the third quarter.

"I still think there are some more points out there for us, if the officials would just count them again."

The Dolphins, 0-11, are trying to avoid being the league's first winless team since the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

"I can't believe they're just going to let the Steelers walk away with that razor-thin win," complained Miami-area sportswriter Dan LeBatard. "Neither team could get much going, thanks to the field conditions. You mean to tell me that the officials are 100% certain that the Dolphins didn't score at least three points themselves?"

NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said that recounts are against league policy.

"Never happened, and not gonna happen," Aiello said.

Sports psychologist Dr. Frederick Warren said that the Dolphins' pleas for a recount are a normal reaction to such a result.

"It's completely in line for them to feel that way," Dr. Warren said. He added that he watched the game and has some empathy for the Dolphins.

"I must admit, I thought I saw the Dolphins tackle Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for a safety just before halftime," Dr. Warren said. "So that would make the score even closer, 3-2. I think a recount would be appropriate under those circumstances."

Cameron said that if the NFL refuses his request, he would have no other choice than to protest by "setting myself down on the floor and holding my breath while kicking and balling my fists."

When told of Cameron's threat, Aiello said, "Fine. Still no recount."

Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin said, diplomatically, "Let's just say that I have complete confidence in the scoring process that this league was founded upon."

Favre To Seriously Consider Retirement Every Week During Packers' Playoff Push

Green Bay, WI (Nov. 25) - Buoyed by his success, and that of his team's, which is following yet another offseason of retirement questions, Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre announced yesterday that he will seriously consider hanging up his spikes every week thru the rest of the season and into the playoffs.

"It's clear that this keeping everyone on the edge of their seat every year is paying dividends," Favre said, two days after another brilliant performance on Thanksgiving Day. "So I'm going to build it into my weekly routine."

Favre said that every Monday, he'll speak pessimistically about coming back for the Packers' next game, citing his age (he's 38) and family concerns. Tuesday is the players' day off. On Wednesdays, according to the plan, coach Mike McCarthy will tell the media that he REALLY hopes Favre suits up for "one more week." On Thursdays, Favre will hear pleas from upper management and his teammates not to retire. On Fridays, fans will be encouraged to e-mail the team and call sports talk radio, talking in almost suicidal tones about what life without Favre would be like. Finally, every Saturday, Favre says he'll announce that he's coming back for "another shot at a championship."

"Why fix what's not broken?" McCarthy said of Favre's plan. "The uncertainty over Brett's return has worked wonders for us in 2007," McCarthy said, referring to his team's unlikely 10-1 start. "So I can't wait to have that tension in the air every week, from now until, hopefully, Super Bowl XLII."

Favre's teammates were wide open to the new plan.

"I think it's great," said receiver Greg Jennings. "I can't wait for that pall to be cast over the team Monday morning, when Brett starts talking retirement. I miss that feeling."

"I know he's a big family man," said receiver Donald Driver, warming up for the weekly casting of doubts. "So I know that will play a big part as to whether he plays against the Cowboys," Driver added about the Packers' next game. "We need him, big time. But he needs to do what's right for Brett Favre."


Favre will continue to use the threat of retirement thru the remainder of the season and into the playoffs, to keep his team sharp

Favre kicked his new plan off by hinting to reporters as soon as the team plane landed from Detroit that he's played his last NFL game.

"That was the way I'd like to go out," he said of his four-TD pass performance on Thanksgiving, which included 20 straight completions at one point. "I mean, if I WERE going out, which, to be honest, I haven't decided yet."

When pressed, Favre added, "I'll let y'all know Monday. I'll have more to say then. Right now I just want to spend the rest of the weekend with my family, who I love, and who I'd love to spend more time with -- including on fall Sundays. But we'll see."

NFL analyst John Clayton of ESPN praised Favre for his comments.

"Perfectly executed," Clayton said of Favre's cryptic words. "It's classic Brett Favre. He displays his love for the game, but also tells us how much his family means to him. He really nailed it again -- as always."

When asked what he thought Favre's words meant, Clayton said, "I have to think that Brett may have played his last game. But then again, I'm not sure. Hard to tell. I guess we'll find out soon enough. That's what's so great about Brett Favre -- you never know if he's going to retire or not. Brilliant."

McCarthy says he will plan for the Cowboys as if Favre will stay unretired.

"There's really no other way to do it," the coach said. "Until Brett tells me, for sure, that that's it, then he's my quarterback."

Cowboys coach Wade Phillips said, "If Brett Favre lines up behind center against us, then football fans the world over will not have seen the last of an icon. But is he's not there, then he's had a Hall of Fame career. I can say with all sincerity that it's been a joy to compete against him -- not to use the past tense. Damn! Why doesn't he just make up his dad-gummed mind?"