Police End Tense Standoff Between Kobe Bryant And Phil Jackson's Ego

Los Angeles, CA (Nov. 12) - Police rushed to the Los Angeles Lakers' practice at the Staples Center this morning after frantic 911 calls indicated a tense standoff was developing between star player Kobe Bryant and coach Phil Jackson's ego.

"I'm pleased to report that the situation is now under control," deputy police chief Andrew Horton said in front of the arena's main entrance, which just minutes before was stormed by dozens of police officers and SWAT personnel.



Bryant (top) and Jackson's ego (above) clashed at Lakers practice today

Trouble arose, Horton said, when Bryant -- the mercurial star who has requested a trade, or maybe not -- challenged Jackson's ego after Bryant was ordered to "do a few laps" following lackadaisical play in practice.

Bryant, according to witnesses, flew into a rage and asked Jackson's ego to "take it outside," accusing the coach's psyche that serves as the organized conscious mediator between Jackson and reality of "dissing" Bryant.

"Jackson's ego, which is as large as the day is long, took exception," a Lakers beat reporter said. "I thought Kobe and Jackson's metaphysical and psychological inner soul were going to come to blows. It was nasty."

Bryant and Jackson's ego quickly barricaded themselves behind opposite ends of the bleachers surrounding the court.

"We tried to get them together, but both sides were dug in," Lakers spokesman John Black said.

Horton said police responded when team psychiatrists, always on duty during practice and games, failed to bridge the gap, despite several attempts and emergency therapy sessions with both parties.

That's when Dr. Thomas Frye, longtime Lakers "shrink", called out, "Call 911! Call 911!"

"Upon arrival, we found Mr. Bryant pacing nervously behind a basketball rack," Horton said. "Coach Jackson's ego was, at that time, not more than ten feet away."

Horton called the situation "very tense."

The scene was defused when Horton's men did two things: calmed Jackson's ego by promising that everyone still thinks he's a great coach, no matter what; and by gently rocking Bryant until the tired star fell into a peaceful slumber.

Still, team officials plan on keeping a close eye on this situation.

Washington Generals Player Calls For Investigation Into Globetrotter Games

Washington, D.C. (Nov. 11) - A member of the Washington Generals basketball team, calling his team's 565-game losing streak to the Harlem Globetrotters "suspicious", has called for an independent investigation into the matter.

"It just doesn't seem possible," forward Jerry Phelps said from his Georgetown home, "that one team could lose that many in a row to the same team."

Phelps cited certain concerns such as the Globetrotters' ball control "antics", intimidation of referees, and distractions like "fake buckets of water and such" that the team uses with crowd members.

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but they seem to not play all that fair," Phelps said as he popped in a videocassette for his visitor. On it was a clip of the Generals' latest loss to the Trotters, a 102-88 beating last week.

"See? That's what I'm talking about," Phelps said as he pointed to Trotters guard Slapsy Davis dribbling between Phelps's legs and then returning to bounce the ball off Phelps's head, deflecting it to Trotters teammate Rooster Pickens for an easy layup.

Phelps then zoomed thru the tape, stopping to show other examples of his concern, such as Davis's half court hook shots and a 45-second game of keepaway, in which no Generals player came close to even tipping the ball while the Trotter players yelled, chanted, and whooped as they gaily threw the ball amongst themselves while the song "Sweet Georgia Brown" played over the PA system.

"And what's with that song?," Phelps wondered aloud. "Every time they play that damn thing, I cringe."


Jerry Phelps, as a Westminster Warrior in 1999

Phelps was particularly shaken as the tape showed a play where Davis pulled Phelps's shorts down while a Trotter teammate stole the ball and led a fastbreak, which was finished by Trotter Gordie Honeysuckle's slam dunk -- made possible for the 5-foot-2 guard thanks to a conveniently located mini-trampoline placed just past the free throw line.

"I'm pretty sure that's against the rules," Phelps said about the trampoline, adding that the Generals never seem to be the beneficiaries of such amenities.

Phelps has played for the Generals since 2000, when he graduated from tiny Westminster College in the Baltimore area.

"They (the Generals) promised me a lot of playing time," Phelps said. "I thought it was strange that every game was against Harlem, but I was starting and playing a lot.

"But we haven't won -- and that's starting to be suspicious to me."

Phelps added that the crowds seem to always be against his Generals.

"The Globetrotters have fans all over, I'm finding out," he said. "Everywhere we play, it's like 90-10 in favor of them. That's getting old, too."

But it's the losses that eat at Phelps, and the manner in which they occur.

"A few months ago, we managed to stay in the game," he related about the Generals' 99-98 loss at the Kentucky State Fairgrounds. "But with a few seconds left, Slapsy heaved the ball from 3/4 court, and I swear a second ball appeared from nowhere and dropped thru the hoop."

Phelps lamented that he, unfortunately, has no tape of that controversial ending.

Despite his concerns, Phelps plans on being in uniform next Wednesday when the Generals face the Globetrotters in Amarillo, Texas.

"Every game I think, 'Maybe this will be the night we get a win'," Phelps says as he tries to twirl a basketball on his finger with no success whatsoever.

"But damn, they get all the breaks."

Spurned Mattingly Prime Suspect In Series Of Convenience Store Robberies

Reportedly ID'd by witnesses/baseball fans

Bronx, NY (Nov. 9) - Former Yankees coach Don Mattingly, presumably distraught over not getting the team's managerial job, is the prime suspect in a string of recent convenience store robberies, police say.

"There's no one else, really," police Lt. Dan Gibbons said outside the Stop-and-Go store on Staten Island, which was robbed of about $300 Wednesday night.

Mattingly had interviewed for the Yankees' skipper job after the resignation of Joe Torre. He portrayed himself as the front-runner, but the team hired broadcaster and former Florida manager Joe Girardi -- himself a former Yankees coach -- instead. Mattingly, thru his agent, didn't try to hide his anger and disappointment.

"I'm more of a G--damned Yankee than he is," Mattingly said thru his agent, a family member, and someone over for dinner at the family member's house, shortly after the team introduced Girardi. "I mean, come on -- Joe Freaking Girardi? He was a mediocre catcher, for God's sake. Compare our numbers. Christ!"

In the days after losing out to Girardi -- the 2006 NL Manager of the Year -- Mattingly grew more and more distraught, sources close to him said.

His mental and emotional state have apparently led him to robbing convenience stores. Five robberies have been reported since October 30.

"The suspect's modus operandi is consistent," Gibbons said. "He walks in, wearing a Yankees cap pulled low over his head, and a Yankees warm-up jacket. He pretends to purchase chewing tobacco, then pulls out a small pistol and announces a holdup."

But the announcement's manner is what is leading police to Mattingly, along with eyewitness descriptions of the robber.

"The suspect says, 'Now robbing you -- number 23!' Then he produces the gun."

Mattingly wore #23 as a Yankee player from 1982-95.

Friends of the spurned Mattingly say his feeble attempts to conceal his identity and his announcements mean he wants to get caught.

"Clearly, it's a cry for help," said former teammate Dave Righetti. "Don wants to get caught. Police need to arrest him so he can get the help he so desperately needs."

"This is what happens when you give a Yankee job to a non-Yankee," said Mattingly supporter Bruno Magli, a longtime Yankees fan from Yonkers. "I'm all behind Mattingly. I hope he never gets caught. He's like a bandit now. It's cool."

Gibbons said police hope to flesh out Mattingly by luring him into town with a phony opportunity to manage the crosstown Mets.

Area Youngster Snaps Seven-Year Electric Football Win Drought

Akron, OH (Nov. 8) - One of sports' longest-ever losing streaks has come to an end as Harold Milkins finally won an Electric Football game after 124 games and nearly seven years of frustration. But the end didn't come without some controversy.

"Awesome! It's about f***ing time!" is how the 15-year-old Milkins described his disputed, 14-13 victory over friend Richie Harris at Milkins's house after school yesterday.

But Milkins's victory was only sealed after Harris's 25-yard field goal attempt at the final buzzer failed when his "triple threat" kicker's leg didn't move far enough to touch the foam football. Harris asked for a re-try but Milkins, who doubles as the referee during home games, wouldn't allow it, invoking the "too bad, so sad" discretionary viewpoint.

"I win! I win!" Milkins said, as he leaped out of his chair, inadvertently knocking the card table and the football game to the floor, scattering the tiny ceramic, molded football players all over the carpet.

It was Milkins's first-ever Electric Football win -- a game he's been playing since age eight.

Surrounded by his little brother and a kid from down the street who was unidentified, Milkins pumped his fist repeatedly and yelled "See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!" to Harris, 14, as Harris hurried out of the house without talking to reporters.


Harold Milkins smiles after snapping his 124-game Electric Football losing streak

Commenting about the game's final play, Milkins shrugged and said, "I don't care. Not my fault that his kicker didn't work. Maybe he didn't snap the leg back far enough. Not my problem."

The game was close all the way. Milkins, using the Dallas Cowboys in their white jerseys, and Harris, countering with the Pittsburgh Steelers in their black and golds, played a nip-and-tuck contest. Neither team could mount much of a rushing game, with both running backs consistently running out of bounds, joining their blockers and opposing defenders on the sidelines.

There was another dispute in the third quarter, when Milkins turned the game's speed control up during his punt return, hoping to get his ball carrier to the end zone before running out of bounds. But Harris yelled "What the f***?" and pulled the plug out of the wall. The two combatants then compromised and gave Milkins a first down at Harris's 15-yard line. Two plays later, Milkins hit one of those guys who looks like a wide receiver with a nine-yard pass from the "triple threat" QB.


Action in the trenches during Harold Milkins's 14-13 win over Richie Harris in yesterday's controversial Electric Football match

Harris scored on a 25-yard sweep for a 6-0 lead in the first quarter, when his ball carrier -- the guy who looks like a running back -- fortuitously ran around right end when it looked like he, too, was headed out of bounds. The PAT failed when Harris's kick bounced off the plastic upright.

Milkins looked like he was headed for his 125th straight loss when Harris fired a 30-yard strike to one of those guys with his arms outstretched in the second quarter. This time the kick was good, and Milkins trailed, 13-0.

Milkins, trailing 13-7, got the winning score early in the fourth quarter when a 93-yard, 25-play drive ended with a "running back" punching it in from three yards out. The kick was good and Milkins had a 14-13 lead. That's how it stood until Harris and his "triple threat" QB engineered a clock-chewing, 66-yard drive that stalled, setting up the controversial FG try.

Milkins said he would celebrate his first-ever Electric Football victory with a spirited session of Madden '08 and a bag of Double Nacho Cheese Doritos. After being interviewed, Milkins's brother dumped a small bottle of Gatorade over his head. Then the two brothers collapsed onto the floor in hugs and giggles, accidentally breaking several of the players.

"S***!" Milkins said.

Notre Dame To Field All Walk-Ons Against Air Force

South Bend, IN (Nov. 7) - Inspired by the movie "Rudy", Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis announced that his roster will be filled entirely with never-say-die walk-ons when the Fighting Irish take on Air Force this Saturday.

"We have a group of 65 young men whose dream it is to play football for Notre Dame University," Weis said after running the collection of dreamers thru a non-grueling, 15-minute practice. "Well, I'm proud to give them their chance, this Saturday."

"Rudy" was the story of Rudy Ruettiger, a walk-on who eventually lived his fantasy and appeared in a game for Notre Dame.

Weis said the regular players would "sit this one out," and watch from the stands. In order to satisfy NCAA rules, Weis suspended every player for "conduct detrimental to the team."

To make it official, Weis listed the detrimental conduct as "being 1-8."

"This will be the feel-good story of the year," predicted longtime ND booster Sean O'Hallaran, at a local pub that shares his last name. "When those 65 ragamuffins take the field ...," O'Hallaran continued, before becoming overcome with emotion.

Weis said the roster would be divided this way: 23 pre-med students, 17 theatre majors, 11 alumni with college eligibility left (including one 42-year-old plumber), 7 resident advisors, 5 ROTC members, and 2 undeclared majors whose names are Rudy.

"Just to be safe -- and authentic," Weis explained about the two Rudys.

Weis acknowledged that he would have to cut the playbook down dramatically in order to provide a "comfort level" for starting quarterback Elliott Nusbaum, a 37-year-old ND alumnus and South Bend dentist. Despite his medical degree and dental license, Nusbaum has two weeks of eligibility remaining, due to a technicality.

"I like Elliott's arm," Weis said of the dentist, "but he's not very mobile. In fact, he's damn near a statue in the pocket. But by God, I like that man's attitude."

Weis heaped praise on his group of eager but mostly untalented players.

"Rudy's story was one of perseverance and the triumph of desire over ability," the coach said, his voice raising. "He couldn't play a lick, but oh how he tried. I've got 65 men who probably couldn't win an intramural game of flag football, but they'll give me everything they've got."

Weis said he plans on adding about 25 more walk-ons later in the week, in anticipation of losing scores of players due to horrific, gruesome injuries.

"There's no limit as to how many we can dress for home games," Weis explained. "So I think we'll dress 90 on Saturday, just to be safe."

Weis said Air Force might be confused by the scalawag ND roster, which would play into his team's hands.

"They (Air Force) won't have any film on these men, don't forget," Weis said.

That's not totally accurate. There does exist some home movies of Nusbaum as a 16-year-old high school junior, in some mop-up quarterback duty. Weis felt compelled to turn the movies over to the Air Force coaches, "Just to keep my conscience clear," he said.

According to Notre Dame officials, the walk-ons will be presented with their "authentic" uniforms at a special pep rally on campus Friday night. Ruettiger will be in attendance and will address the crowd.

"I get to live a dream," Nusbaum said via phone as he worked on an impacted molar.

But the new Fighting Irish QB is taking his unexpected opportunity seriously.

"Coach let me take home some film (of Air Force)," Nusbaum said. "I think they might bite on a pump fake."

Bobblehead Faces Are All Me, Jersey Man Says

West Orange, NJ (Nov. 4) - In a development that could rock the bobblehead industry to its core, a New Jersey man has admitted that his likeness has been used for every single bobblehead doll ever produced.

"It's why they never look like the person they're supposed to depict," said Andrew Malone, 28, who purportedly sold his likeness to several of the major bobblehead manufacturers, beginning in 1999, when he was just 20.

According to Malone, he was approached by an industry agent who saw him walking his dog in an East Orange park in the summer of '99.

"He told me I had the perfect bobblehead face -- round, plump, and generic in expression," Malone explained in an exclusive interview. "And he said I could make a lot of money in royalties if I would agree to sell my face, essentially."

Malone did just that, and his head was cast into a mold -- a mold that, he says, has been used to produce "millions" of bobblehead dolls, supposedly of various sports and entertainment stars.



Malone (above) claims to be the model for all bobbleheads, like the ones on top


"All they do is change the hair and skin and eye color, and of course, the uniform. Sometimes they have to stretch the head or make it more round. But it's my face," Malone said.

He appears to not be afraid of the repercussions of his admission.

"I've made my money," Malone says. "I just can't stand seeing all these fans being duped any longer. Especially the kids."

Not surprisingly, Malone's comments were met with sharp and swift rebuttal by at least one bobblehead manufacturer.

"Total nonsense," says Artie Hankins, owner of Bobble Cast, based in Connecticut. "This Malone kid is just looking for his 15 minutes of bobblehead fame."

However, Hankins did acknowledge that bobblehead dolls struggle with their likenesses.

"It's an art in development," he says. "We're still trying to get it right."

Not so, according to Malone.

"It's my face. Period. Anything they try to feed you is baloney."

Non-Disgruntled Fan Calls Sports Talk Radio Just To Say Hi

Philadelphia, PA (Nov. 2) - Sports talk radio was reeling yesterday upon the news that a caller dialed a Philadelphia station and had no agenda, harbored no ill will, and didn't want to complain about any of the city's teams.

"I...need a few moments," a clearly shaken Mark Syphers, co-host of Philadelphia's "Syphers and Jenkins" afternoon drive time show on WGFR-AM, said to his listeners after 28-year-old Eagles fan Jeremy Moore's phone call.

Moore called and said he enjoyed listening to the show. Syphers then waited for the expected complaint, beef, or unsolicited suggestion to help fix the Eagles.

But instead, Moore simply announced his fondness for the show and said, "So I just wanted to say Hi and I'll keep listening."

Syphers thought the call was a put-on.

"I told the guy, 'Dude, it's OK. You can tell me what you really want to say.' But he kept insisting all he wanted to do was tell us how much he liked our show.

"His demeanor was pleasant, upbeat, and completely free of ill will," Syphers continued, still plainly stunned, even some three hours later. On the air in the moments after Moore's stunning call, Syphers announced, in a halting voice, that there would be an extended commercial break while he gathered himself.

News of Moore's call spread like wildfire through the sports talk radio industry.

"I hope this is just a fluke," said Elliott Bernstein, programming manager at KTRS radio in Seattle, an all-sports station. "The thing we're most afraid of in the business is a rash of 'copy cat' callers. There are a lot of nuts out there."

Moore, reached at his home later, offered little explanation for his brazen act, which has only added to the frustration and lack of closure by those in sports talk radio.

"Yes, the Eagles are struggling," Moore said, "but I just decided to call on a whim. Honestly."

Moore then denied accusations that his nice, bitch-free phone call was rehearsed and planned.

Syphers warned others that calls similar to Moore's will not be tolerated on his program, and he urged other hosts to issue the same edicts.

"He could have at least suggested a Phillies trade or poked some fun at the 76ers. But no -- this guy was calculating. He had absolutely no intention of being negative in any way, shape, or form. He sure fooled our screeners, I'll say that much."

But Moore said all he told the screener was, "I just want to tell Mark 'Good show.' Apparently the screener thought that was a euphemism for something sarcastic."

Industry analysts predicted screeners and producers will clamp down on any phone call that even hints at being not negative, as a result of the breach that allowed Moore to get on the air without anything bad to say.

Syphers said that he lost his own ability to second-guess and mock for "several hours" while he struggled to process Moore's 22-second call.

"I'll tell you what," Syphers said, head shaking. "If I EVER take another phone call like that it will be too soon."

Moore apologized for all the "hub-bub", but that gesture only served as insult to the industry's injury.

"Great. It's not bad enough that he called and was nice on the air," an e-mail to Syphers's station read. "Then he apologizes! This guy's sadistic!"