Spoiled Sports

Bud Selig Confused, Thinks 'World Baseball Classic' New Menu Item At Wendy's

2009-03-04T10:23:00.002-05:00

New York, NY (Mar. 4) - Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, according to sources, spent nearly ten embarrassing minutes at a midtown Manhattan Wendy's restaurant, trying to locate the "World Baseball Classic" on the menu.

"Where is it?," Selig asked testily as he scanned the lighted menu behind cashier Jennifer Dooley.

"Where's what, sir?," Dooley said, according to her recounting of the conversation to reporters.

"That....'World Baseball Classic'," Selig replied, according to Dooley.

When Dooley expressed confusion, Selig persisted, insisting that Wendy's had a new menu item named after the national pastime in a nod to the upcoming baseball season. Dooley again contradicted that notion, and Selig became hostile, asking to speak to the manager.

"I assured him that no Wendy's restaurant -- anywhere -- has such a menu item," afternoon shift manager Dennis Crowley told reporters. "He had some people with him, and they just kind of rolled their eyes at me," Crowley added, also stating that after several minutes of Wendy's personnel trying to convince Selig that the 'World Baseball Classic' was not a menu item, Selig's handlers led him away.

A source close to Selig said that MLB office personnel then whisked Selig to a private office, where he was briefed about The World Baseball Classic tournament about ready to take place.

Once the concept of the WBC tournament sank in, the source said Selig gave a big nod and said, simply, "OHHHHH."

Then, Selig added, "HUH."

Favre: I Actually Retired Last November; Couldn't You Tell?

2009-02-13T11:48:00.004-05:00

New York, NY (Feb. 13) - Quarterback Brett Favre expressed surprise that he had to formally announce his second retirement yesterday, telling reporters that he thought everyone knew he had quit last November.

"Wasn't it obvious?," Favre said with a derisive smirk. "I mean, look at the numbers."

The New York Jets went 1-4 over their last five games in 2008, with Favre throwing more interceptions than touchdown passes.

"I retired after our 11th game last year," Favre said, shrugging and making bemused faces. "What's the big news here? OK, you want an announcement? I retire. There," he said before turning to a bystander and rolling his eyes.

Former Jets coach Eric Mangini, now with Cleveland, corraborated Favre's assertion.

"Yeah, Brett retired when he said he did," Mangini said. "He announced it in the john while we were taking a piss after practice. He said, 'Coach, I'm done.' Then he shook off and left."

Mangini said he kept starting Favre, despite his retirement, because "that's the way Brett wanted it. He didn't want a big long tour or anything. He just wanted to end like all old quarterbacks do -- with shitty numbers and a gross degradation of skills."

Favre added yesterday that his performance in the Jets' final five games, post-retirement, should have made it "obvious to everyone" that he had hung up his spikes for good.

"Geez, I thought y'all would have caught on," he said, continuing to express amazement at the stupidity and lack of observation from the media. "I can't believe I have to spell it out for you. I quit, OK? Christ!"

New Jets coach Rex Ryan said that, while he hadn't spoken to Favre yet, he's hopeful that he can talk the 39-year-old out of retirement again.

"I'd love to have Brett back," Ryan said. "It's just not the NFL without Brett Favre haphazardly throwing the football all over the Goddamned field and breaking his own team's spirit.

"I'm looking forward to gouging my own eyes out over his reckless play," Ryan added in a statement released by the team.

MLB To Play First Annual Summer Classic At Staples Center

2009-01-08T13:23:00.002-05:00

New York, NY (Jan. 8) - In a nod to the National Hockey League's successful Winter Classic games, played outdoors in football and baseball stadiums, Major League Baseball announced that it will hold the First Annual Summer Classic -- a game between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox at Madison Square Garden.

The game, to be played on June 29th, will be the first in an annual series of games played in various arenas and stadiums throughout the country.

The Yankees and Red Sox will each wear throwback uniforms, and MSG will be converted into a baseball stadium for the day, albeit an oddly configured one.

Because of MSG's limitations, the left field foul pole will only be 188 feet from home plate, but the right field pole will be 375 feet away. Straightaway center field will be 245 feet, and the power alleys in left and right will be 225 feet and 266 feet away, respectively. To compensate, 75-foot high walls will be constructed, extending from the left field pole to right-center field.

In addition, the game will feature balls made of a heavy, clay-like substance, and the pitcher's mound will be 40 feet from home plate, instead of the traditional 60 feet, six inches.

Also, right-handed hitters will be forbidden from pulling the ball into left field, and any ball that hits the overhead scoreboard will be considered an out.

"This is what America is all about," said commissioner Bud Selig as he announced the unprecedented event. "We would be remiss if we didn't completely reconfigure our boundaries and squeeze a baseball park into a hockey and basketball arena for our loyal fans."

The Garden will be fitted with 35 tons of infield and warning track dirt and gravel, along with 22,000 square feet of Field Turf, a transformation that Selig said would take "just a few weeks."

Because of the remodeling, MSG will only be able to seat about 9,000 fans for the game. Tickets, Selig said, would be available on the Internet the morning of the game only.

Legendary former Knicks players Willis Reed and Patrick Ewing, plus former Rangers stars Rod Gilbert and Jean Ratelle, will each throw out ceremonial first pitches.

Yankees players are looking forward to the Summer Classic already.

"I used to watch Knicks games at Madison Square Garden a lot as a kid," said newly-signed pitcher CC Sabathia. "And I used to wonder what it would be like to one day play a baseball game there as a member of the Yankees. Now my dream will come true."

"It'll be awesome," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "Playing in Yankee Stadium was an honor, but to step into the batter's box near the very same spot where Ewing and Reed used to put up their jump shots -- well, that's pretty amazing."

Selig also said that at the seventh inning stretch, the Knicks' dancing team will perform, some tumblers will do some things involving mini-trampolines, and that both teams will have a morning "bat around" the day of the game.

NBA Player's Minutes "Just Right"; Doesn't Want Any More Or Any Fewer

2008-12-29T18:24:00.003-05:00

Detroit, MI (Dec. 29) - In a refreshing change from the whining typically engaged in by NBA players regarding the amount of minutes they play, Detroit Pistons guard Rip Hamilton says his amount of playing time is "just right" and doesn't want to play any less, or any more.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it," Hamilton said after practice yesterday.

Hamilton averages 33:44, which he says couldn't be any better.

"If I play any more than 34 minutes, I get fatigued," the energetic Hamilton said, referring to his frenetic style of running through screens and moving without the ball. "But if I play less than 33 minutes, I don't feel like I'm in rhythm. So everything's just right."

Pistons coach Michael Curry said that when he took the job last July, he was informed of Hamilton's strict regimen and tiny window of optimum minutes.

Hamilton's minutes are right where they should be, and should never change, lest the All-Star guard convulse or collapse

"Oh yes, I was quite aware of it," Curry said after being informed of Hamilton's comments yesterday. "So we hired a special 'minutes coach' who keeps track of Rip's playing time."

The narrow margin of sixty seconds -- to ensure that Hamilton's minutes stay between 33:00 and 34:00 -- is still somewhat of a challenge, though.

Just last week, in a tight game against Oklahoma City, Curry had to pull Hamilton from the game in the middle of a fastbreak. A couple weeks prior to that, Hamilton was inserted into a blowout win over Washington with only 3.3 seconds remaining, to push his minutes played to 33:02.

"It's not always easy," Curry admitted, "but that's what Rip is comfortable at."

The last time the Pistons played Hamilton for longer than 34 minutes, in early December against the Knicks (he played 34:15), Hamilton went into convulsions and had to be removed during the next stoppage of play. In New Jersey earlier this season, Hamilton played just 32:21 and collapsed in the team shower afterward.

Curry says that he plans on playing Hamilton for 33:40 tonight against Orlando, "God willing."

Just in case, team doctors are standing by.

NHL To Hold Some Sort Of Outdoor Event Thingie

2008-12-22T13:16:00.003-05:00

Chicago, IL. (Dec. 22) - Curious onlookers have been gathering in recent days near Wrigley Field as quite a lot of activity, very unusual for this time of year, has been taking place around the ballpark.

Sources theorize that the goings-on have something to do with the National Hockey League, believe it or not.

"I saw some trucks with 'NHL' on them," said Dennis Coleman, 36, who works as an accountant near the stadium, as he stopped for a moment to look at workers moving in and out of the ballpark, usually dormant around Christmas time. He said he was on his lunch break.

Coleman and others who refused to be identified said that they heard the NHL was planning to "put something on" inside Wrigley.

"If you ask me, it looks like something pretty big," one onlooker said. "All these trucks and stuff."

Whatever it is, it clearly will be happening outside, which confused many North Side residents who passed by.

"Who the f*** would want to be at Wrigley Field NOW?," one man said. "It's five freaking degrees out. I mean, Jesus H. Christ!"

Rumors then quickly spread that the activity was in preparation of an outdoor NHL event, perhaps even a game.

"You gotta be sh****** me," a local beat cop said. "A GAME? Outdoors? In December?"

A financial planner who would only reveal his first name, Robert, went on his BlackBerry and did some quick research as he waited for the El train.

"New Year's Day! Outdoor game! Blackhawks and Red Wings!" he shouted as he got onto the train.

That information left the dozen or so gawkers in disbelief.

Phone calls placed to the NHL offices in New York were met with a recorded greeting that said the league would be back "after the holidays."

Lions To Peyton Manning: OH NO, OH GOD....NO!!!

2008-12-12T14:22:00.002-05:00

Indianapolis, IN. (Dec. 12) - The 0-13 Detroit Lions showed up at the Indianapolis Colts' practice facility today in advance of their game here on Sunday and laid themselves at the feet of Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.

Grabbing onto Manning's ankles, Lions head coach Rod Marinelli began screaming in anguish.

"Peyton, NOOOO! OH GOD, NOOOO. PLEASE don't!!," Marinelli said, begging the Colts' star QB to not seriously hurt his football team.

Lions players then quickly joined Marinelli, sobbing uncontrollably and openly praying that Manning would "show even the tiniest amount of pity" and try to limit his touchdown passes to "no more than six" on Sunday.

Lions linebacker Paris Lenon led the impromptu prayer session, calling his teammates to kneel down, within several feet of Manning. At that point, Lenon began a prayer that lasted nearly three minutes and beseeched Manning to "look inside himself and find compassion" for the winless Lions, who are listed as "bajillion" point underdogs.

As Manning tried to shake Marinelli from his leg, Lions players converged, hugging Manning and otherwise trying to lay hands on him. All the while, Gregorian chants were heard from a portable CD player brought along by Lions PR man Bill Keenist.

Colts players were said to be too awestruck by the spiritual plea to interrupt it.

Manning himself eventually ceased his resistance and bowed his head, holding his hands up and murmuring a prayer of his own. Sources say Manning's prayer was a direct wish that the Heavenly Father have mercy on the souls of the Lions' defensive backs. In the prayer, the sources said, Manning told the Holy Spirit that how much punishment he inflicts on the Lions secondary was out of his hands and instead "in God's."

Marinelli was finally extricated from Manning's leg and then collapsed from emotion. He was then led away on a stretcher.

Colts head coach Tony Dungy, a longtime friend and colleague of Marinelli's, expressed sadness after the incident, which interrupted Colts practice for about 15 minutes.

"Brother Rod isn't heavy. It's a long, long road," Dungy said. "With many winding turns. That leads us to where? Who knows where?"

Then Dungy added, "Rod's a great competitor. I'm sure he'll have his team ready on Sunday."

Area Man Named Greg Thinks Dan Dierdorf Talking To Him

2008-12-08T17:17:00.005-05:00

Landover, MD. (Dec. 8) - Friends say that 47-year-old truck driver Greg Philemon enjoys watching NFL games broadcasted by analyst Dan Dierdorf because he's convinced Dierdorf is referring to him whenever he uses the name "Greg" on the air.

Dierdorf works for CBS and is partnered with play-by-play man Greg Gumbel.

Still, Philemon's friends say that he "can't be convinced otherwise" that Dierdorf is speaking to him and not broadcast partner Gumbel.

Greg Philemon (above) is convinced he's the "Greg" mentioned in NFL broadcasts by Dan Dierdorf (top)

"It's kind of sad, really," says long time Philemon friend Robert Maloney. "Greg subscribed to NFL Sunday Ticket on DirecTV just so he can make sure he never misses a Dierdorf game."

Maloney said that Philemon began believing Dierdorf was speaking to him "about three years ago."

"We were all at Ricky's house," Maloney said, referring to mutual pal Richard Meminger, "and the Colts-Bengals were on Sunday Ticket. And it was a Gumbel-Dierdorf game. All of a sudden Dierdorf says 'Greg' and starts talking about the play. So Ricky kids and says, 'Hey, Philemon -- Dierdorf's talking to you!' We were pretty toasted."

But apparently, Philemon took Meminger's words to heart, and said, "He IS?"

"We all kind of looked at each other," Maloney said.

What started out as a curious remark by Philemon to his friends turned into an all-too-real belief.

"Greg...is convinced....that Dan Dierdorf is talking to him," Maloney said, sighing.

Maloney added that Philemon now even responds to Dierdorf.

"He'll say things like, 'Thanks, Dan', or 'No kidding?', or 'Good point.' He has these conversations with Dierdorf throughout the game. Just last week, he bragged that 'Dierdorf told me that the Colts like to run three wides on first down inside the 20 yard line.'

"I didn't have the heart to tell him that Dierdorf was saying those things to Greg Gumbel, and NOT him," Maloney added sadly.

This Sunday, Philemon is looking forward to "another Sunday with Dan," according to Maloney.

"That's what he calls it: 'another Sunday with Dan.'"

Philemon couldn't be reached for comment, as he was out Christmas shopping, which sources say includes "picking up something for Dan."

Oklahoma City Wants To Return Thunder To Seattle, But Is Still Looking For Receipt

2008-12-01T13:28:00.004-05:00

Oklahoma City, OK. (Dec. 1) - Struck by a nasty case of buyer's remorse, the city of Oklahoma City wants to return the NBA's Thunder back to Seattle, but as of this morning hadn't located the receipt the league says is necessary to complete such a transaction.

"No ticky, no washy. That's pretty much what the league is telling us," said Oklahoma City councilperson Renee Wilgard yesterday. "The season is less than sixty days old, so we're still within the window of returns. But if we don't find the receipt, all [the NBA] will give us is league credit."

The Thunder, formerly the Seattle Supersonics, are 2-16 and only Saturday broke a 14-game losing streak.

"They (the NBA) said we could return the Thunder within 60 days," Wilgard said, "but that we would need the receipt. Well, you can't keep EVERY receipt you get! I hope to talk to the manager."

NBA spokesman Frank Meagher said that the league will "cheerfully refund" Oklahoma City's $45.4 million relocation fee, but that without a receipt, "our hands are tied."

"The city is entitled to league credit for 180 days," Meagher explained. "Meaning that they could spend the money elsewhere within the league. But a cash refund is impossible without that receipt."

Wilgard said she "thinks" fellow councilperson Andrew Schmidt "put the receipt in his glove box", but that hasn't been confirmed.

"Maybe Andy still has it in there. Or possibly (city treasurer) Cindy (Kohn) might have it. She's pretty good about that kind of stuff," Wilgard said.

Meagher said several NBA employees have verified that when the deal was consummated, a hand written receipt was slipped inside a bag of complimentary NBA souvenirs that was given to Schmidt at the time of the transaction. Also, Meagher said, a more "official" receipt -- "printed from a computer and everything," was mailed to city hall the next day.

Wilgard thinks that the league should soften their return policy in this situation.

"We've spent quite a bit of money with them," she said. "And we're honest people. It's not like we just tried the Thunder out to impress people then want to return them."

Meagher says if the league bends its rules here, everyone will want to do it. He added that the NBA is "still going round and round" with the New York Knicks about returning Stephon Marbury.

Wilgard says she might try to say that the Thunder were already broken, to defeat the return policy.

"We could always just say that they were like this when we got them," she said. "But like I say, we're honest people. I wish they would just make this one exception."

Lions To Join Big 3 In Bailout Plea

2008-11-25T11:28:00.002-05:00

Detroit, MI. (Nov. 25) - The NFL's Detroit Lions, 0-11 this season and 31-92 since 2001, will venture to Capitol Hill on December 2 in an effort to be included in the Big Three automakers' bid for a government bailout.

"The Lions have been a part of Detroit for almost as long as the Big Three," said Lions chief operating officer Tom Lewand. "And not once have we asked Congress for help."

Lewand said the Lions' existence in the NFL should not be imperiled.

"Well, look at all the joy and wins we've provided other teams in the league, number one," he said.

According to sources, Lions representatives will fly to Washington along with the chairmen of Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors. On Capitol Hill, as the Big Three present their business plans going forward, the Lions will make a push for a $1 billion loan, designed to enable them to hire competent executives, "legitimate" NFL players, and marketing gurus who will spin the team's piss-poor record this decade.

Senator Chris Dodd (D-Ct), who chairs the Finance Committee, was leery of yet another bailout plea.

"When will it end?," Dodd said. "The Detroit Lions are a part of the fabric of the NFL, but it might be best for them to go under, reorganize, then come back with a plan for recovery. We can't just give them a blank check."

Lewand countered Dodd's comments.

"What fan will buy tickets to see a football team in bankruptcy? What about the season ticket holders? How can they be assured that their investment is protected?"

Football observers differ on the necessity of the Lions in the NFL.

"I say let them fail and let's move on," said Jay Glaser of NFL.com. "They're a joke and they make the whole league look silly. This has been going on for a long time, and they're only now asking for help? Clearly they were in denial."

But Chris Mortensen of ESPN disagreed.

"Look, every league needs a doormat," Mortensen said. "For every Gallant, you need a Goofus. If nothing else, the Lions offer comic relief for a battle-torn country, and wins for every other team in the league. Why kill the smiles they offer?"

Mortensen says he's in favor of a bailout, but that Lions executives must take "severe" salary cuts, and retool themselves for the future.

"I'd like to see better scouting, drafting, and coaches with a clue," Mortensen said. "I want to see them succeed, but they'd better not be back in Washington five years from now asking for another handout."

Dodd said that it was ironic that the Lions were asking for help now.

"We were just about to start legislation prohibiting them from continuously ruining the sacred American holiday of Thanksgiving," Dodd said.

The Lions host the 10-1 Tennessee Titans on Thursday in the traditional Thanksgiving Day game, a tradition that, thanks to the Lions, "Actually destroys far more appetites than it encourages," Dodd said.

Donovan McNabb Thinks Eagles And Bengals Get To Play Again

2008-11-17T16:49:00.002-05:00

Cincinnati, OH (Nov. 17) - In the wake of the Philadelphia Eagles' 13-13 tie with the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb expressed some confusion over the NFL rules regarding tie games.

At first, McNabb indicated that he didn't know the game would end in a tie after the 15-minute overtime session failed to produce a winner, believing that the game would continue ad infinitum, like a playoff game. But even after being explained that rule, McNabb quickly showed that he still had difficulties grasping the whole idea of tie games.

"So...we play again, right?," McNabb asked reporters. "I mean, that don't just end in a tie, right? We play [the Bengals] again...right?"

McNabb moved through the locker room, asking various players if they thought the tie meant that the Eagles and Bengals will have a rematch.

When everyone he asked assured him that the game was indeed a tie and nothing more, McNabb wasn't satisfied.

"Aww, man -- no way! Quit pulling my leg. Really, seriously -- when do we play them again? Next week? At the end of the season? When?"

Again, McNabb was told that the game would be officially recorded as a tie.

"Really? I could have sworn that we get to play them again," McNabb said, aghast. He then walked away from reporters, muttering, "A tie...that's some s**t."

Earlier, McNabb had queried reporters about several other matters, including why punt returners could raise their hands and not be tackled; why the clock stops on certain plays, wondering why they were always plays that ended up out of bounds; and why "there aren't any points given out for a touchback."

Report: 88% Of Dolphins Fans Think Team's Coach Is Tony Soprano

2008-11-10T11:12:00.003-05:00

Miami, FL. (Nov. 10) - The surprising Miami Dolphins, just one year removed from finishing 1-15, are 5-4 and are one of the surprises in the NFL. But a recent report revealed that nearly 90 percent of the team's fan base thinks it's all due to new head coach Tony Soprano, of the HBO hit show The Sopranos.

"It's rather shocking," said Richard Lieberthal of the Hansley Institute, which did the study. "Almost nine out of ten fans we polled -- and we polled about 5,000 -- think the Dolphins are coached by Tony Soprano. And they give a huge amount of credit both to president Bill Parcells for hiring 'Soprano', and to 'Soprano' himself, of course."

The Dolphins' real coach is Tony Sparano, hired by Parcells last January.

But the fans clearly are enamored with Soprano, the fictional character played by James Gandolfini, and some samplings of their comments recorded during the study reflect that.

"The Dolphins needed toughness, and they got it with Soprano," one fan said. "There's no better motivator than the threat of being whacked after practice."

Lieberthal said that not only do the fans think Soprano is the coach, they encourage their team's coach's "connections" to organized crime.

"There seems to be a tolerance of what they think is a pipeline to the Mafia in Miami," Lieberthal said. "And after the recent losing, Dolphins fans "welcome any perceived advantage that having a coach with mob connections brings", he added.

Lieberthal said the study also indicated that nearly 65 percent of Dolphins fans believe that Soprano's assistant coaches, or "lieutenants", recruited draft choices by "any means necessary", including kidnapping players' family members and sending them dead rats in the mail. But, Lieberthal said, more than 90 percent of these people also believed these tactics to be "acceptable", considering the Dolphins' recent record.

Fans also believe that banished defensive end Jason Taylor "went for a ride", and has been replaced with an impostor in Washington.

Lieberthal said that over 70 percent of fans believe some of the Dolphins' wins this season have come because of bribes, paid by Soprano and his lieutenants to game officials. Again, these bribes are supported, according to the study.

Despite the winning, Dolphins fans are also looking ahead to a time when the losing might return.

"Nearly three out of every four fans think that if Soprano doesn't take the Dolphins to the playoffs by 2009 at the latest, then his family should be killed," Lieberthal said.

NBA Rookie Dreams Of Being Intentionally Fouled Someday

2008-11-03T11:38:00.003-05:00

Minneapolis, MN (Nov. 3) - Minnesota Timberwolves rookie power forward Kevin Love has many challenges ahead of him. But first on his list is to, one day, be intentionally fouled.

"I've been a Shaquille O'Neal fan ever since he entered the league," Love said yesterday after practice. "I can't even imagine, sometimes, being like him -- getting fouled on purpose because of piss-poor free throw shooting. To be the center of attention like that...wow!"

Love says he works with T-Wolves coaches frequently, trying to lower his free throw percentage to a point that starts to "make some noise" around the NBA.

"To me, if I'm not going to be sought out on the floor by the other team during crunch time so that my brick free throws are a factor, then I don't want to be in the league," Love added. "It's as simple as that."

Timberwolves rookie Kevin Love, practicing to be a poor free throw shooter in high school

Love says that all the accolades and championships he may garner would be great, but would "pale in comparison" to being a player that other teams constantly send to the free throw line late in games.

"I mean, that's where it's at," Love explained. "Shaq can't play forever."

Love says his research -- and his agent -- tells him that there really is no one anointed as O'Neal's successor when it comes to intentional hacking.

"It's wide open, as far as I'm concerned," Love said. "It's all there for the taking. Whomever is able to bring their free throw percentage at or below fifty percent is going to be that 'don't go-to guy' late in games."

To that end, Love has drastically changed his mechanics at the free throw line, adopting a one-handed, unsteady, "girly" way of shooting.

"Kevin kind of took Shaq's signature, horrible mechanics and added his own twist to it," says T-Wolves assistant coach Dean Cooper. "It's a style that really shouldn't be very successful, at least not with any consistency. Kevin really should be one of the kids we watch as being the next Shaq when it comes to fouling on purpose."

Love says he's eager to finally meet O'Neal in person. What would he say to the future Hall of Famer?

"Thank you," Love said. "I'd thank him for paving the way for the younger big men, like me, who have no intention on ever being a good free throw shooter."

Detroit Lions "Encouraged" After Pass In Practice Gains 20 Yards

2008-10-30T13:38:00.002-04:00

Allen Park, MI. (Oct. 30) - The winless Detroit Lions expressed guarded optimism after a pass in yesterday's practice from quarterback Dan Orlovsky to receiver Calvin Johnson gained a "good" 20 yards.

"It might have been more -- like maybe 22, 23 yards," said head coach Rod Marinelli. "But it was a good 20 yards, for sure."

After a succession of passes resulted in drops, interceptions, or just plain being thrown nowhere near a receiver, Orlovsky yelled, "Let's try one more!" before fading back in the pocket. He then let loose with a "pretty decent" spiral, according to Marinelli, which was slightly behind Johnson. But the second-year receiver, in an effort praised by those who saw it as "top notch", "brilliant", and "amazing", managed to catch it despite the pass's less-than-perfect location.

Though the pass came in "non-contact drills", meaning that no defenders were on the field at the time, the Lions released a statement in which the team said it was "encouraged" by the pass completion.

"This afternoon in practice, quarterback Dan Orlovsky completed a 20-to-25 yard pass to receiver Calvin Johnson. While we are encouraged by this achievement in the offense's development, there is still much work to do," the statement said.

After a series of chest bumps, high-fives and hugs, some of the offensive players dumped a bucket of Gatorade over Marinelli's head.

Practice, however, was extended moments later when the field goal unit failed to execute a snap. But Marinelli pointed out that punt returner Mike Furrey fair caught a punt "without incident", and that the team would keep "working hard."

When asked about his team's chances this Sunday at Chicago, Marinelli said, "Let's just see if we can do a damned handoff first, then come talk to me."

Bad Economy Forces NBA To Charge For Foul Shots

2008-10-28T10:59:00.002-04:00

New York, NY (Oct. 28) - Citing itself as another victim of a sluggish economy, the NBA announced yesterday that, effective immediately, it would be eliminating free throws.

Starting with tonight's regular season openers, players whistled for fouls will be charged a "nominal" fee for every foul shot taken as a result of their infractions.

"The NBA hasn't charged for foul shots since the league's inception in 1946," said league spokesman Mark Harrison. "We think that's pretty good. But these trying economic times have begun to effect us as a league, too. That means looking for other revenue streams."

The free throw has been a basketball institution since the sport's beginning. Harrison said he appreciates the shot's history, but "that and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee. Correction: that and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee, nowadays."

Under the plan, hastily arranged amidst the release of the league's third quarter numbers, which showed a severe lack of basketball-generated revenue during games -- that is, revenue not tied to concession or beer sales -- every foul shot awarded before a team is in the penalty situation will come at a cost of $2.00 to the fouling player. After the penalty (fifth team foul in a quarter and beyond), each foul shot will cost the offending player $3.00.

Harrison said this would add anywhere from $50-60 into the NBA coffers per game. Multiplied by the 1,230 games played in a season league-wide, this amounts to anywhere between $61,500 and $73,800 per season.

"That's some change," Harrison said.

When reporters challenged him, wondering how $70,000 could make much of a difference in a league whose players salaries are in the millions, Harrison snapped, "Oh, so I guess you're all economy experts now, huh? Why don't you fix this financial crisis, economy experts?"

Early response to the elimination of free throws has been mixed.

"That's fine, but what about the guys on the bench?," wondered little-used Detroit Pistons guard Arron Afflalo. "We don't have the dough that the big dogs do, and we're the ones who commit the most fouls, per minute played. This sounds like trickle-down economics at its worst."

But Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James had another viewpoint.

"I'm tired of getting hacked all the time, man. Maybe now, those guys will think twice about bothering me as I go in for a layup," he said. James also scoffed at the notion that the fee is too small to make a difference. "NBA players are cheap. Trust me," he said.

The plan will also include cash registers on press row, complete with debit/credit card machines for convenient, on-site payment of fouling fees. To cushion the blow, Harrison said, each player will be allowed to choose which funny cartoon character appears on his Foul Card, ranging from Scooby Doo to Porky Pig. Fees will be collected after every quarter, with ball boys being assigned the additional duty of swiping all players' cards through the machines.

Harrison said that, depending on the success of the new fouling fees program, the league might consider charging TV analyst Bill Walton for every inane, self-contradicting thought that spills out of his mouth. Harrison said that such a move is attractive because of its "unlimited potential as a moneymaker."

Chad Ocho Cinco To Change Number To 86

2008-10-21T09:40:00.003-04:00

Cincinnati, OH. (Oct. 21) - Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco, formerly Chad Johnson, has changed his uniform number to 86, according to team officials.

"Eighty-five's not workin', ya know?," Ocho Cinco told reporters who gathered at his locker after the change was announced. "We don't got no wins, man."

The Bengals are 0-7.

Johnson earlier this year changed his name, legally, to Ocho Cinco in honor of the Spanish pronunciation of his uniform number, 85. When asked what this means now that his number is 86, Ocho Cinco stopped applying his underarm deodorant, gazed off into the distance for several seconds, then scowled.

"Aww, man! Damn!," he screamed, tossing the deodorant onto the floor.

Ocho Cinco was then seen scrambling toward his car, mumbling something about "calling my damn lawyer again."

Red Sox Hire Stephen King To Write Rest Of ALCS

2008-10-14T10:45:00.003-04:00

Boston, MA. (Oct. 14) - Frustrated with their inability to shoo away the Tampa Bay Rays in the American League Championship Series, the Boston Red Sox have struck a deal with horror story author and longtime Red Sox fan Stephen King to pen the remainder of the best-of-seven series.

The series, which the Rays now lead, 2-1, thanks to a 9-1 win in Game 3 in Boston, will now head for a bone-chilling, gripping climax that "only Stephen King can provide," according to Red Sox spokesman Matt Stewart.

"It's going to be something you'll never forget," Stewart said this morning at team headquarters. "There'll be internal struggles set as a backdrop to some pretty freaking scary plot devices," Stewart said, referring to King's script, which is "in process."

The best-selling author got the hurry-up call in the sixth inning of Game 3, instructed by Red Sox owner John Henry to "whip something up" in time for tonight's Game 4. Sources close to King said that the writer was up all night working on the treatment for the script of the rest of the series.

Red Sox fan and horror writer Stephen King does some research for his new ALCS project, set to debut tonight on Fox Sports

Insiders indicated that Rays outfielder B.J. Upton and rookie third baseman Evan Longoria will make a bad turn and wander into a dark, desolate part of the Tampa Bay clubhouse, where they will meet a "grisly yet ironic demise." The sources also told reporters to look for a crazed, deranged Red Sox fan who "will stop at nothing to further his agenda", as well as a subplot featuring Red Sox slugger David Ortiz's relationship with a female friend "careening out of control." Several different players, wives, girlfriends, and team officials will all have their lives intersect during the climactic Game 7 -- a game in which spectators will not be allowed admittance after the fourth inning.

King has told insiders that his vision for the rest of the series includes some of the games being played in thunderstorms and in the woods.

"This will be the Red Sox's best ALCS ever," Stewart crowed of King's involvement in the outcome.

Any Ray player or official, or umpire, who tries to interfere with King's version of the rest of the series will be captured and confined to a bed by Kathy Bates, Stewart said.

King's vehicle, titled Stephen King's ALCS: No Rays Of Light, will open at 8:07 p.m. tonight on Fox Sports.

Rams' Punter: "Just Give Me the Damn Ball!"

2008-10-10T12:07:00.003-04:00

St. Louis, MO. (Oct. 10) - St. Louis Rams punter Donnie Jones, frustrated over his team's 0-4 start, has issued an ultimatum to his teammates and coaches: Just give me the damn ball.

"I'm all about winning, man," Jones told reporters at an impromptu press conference after practice yesterday. "This isn't about Donnie Jones. Donnie Jones just wants to win. Donnie Jones wants what's best for the St. Louis Rams."

In that spirit, Jones says that the Rams' best chances of beating the Washington Redskins in Washington this Sunday lie on his right foot.

"I'll pooch punt those guys (Redskins) to death," Jones said, speaking animatedly. "Just get me to the 45 yard line. That's all I need. Then the game of field position will be ours. Totally. I'm not even joking."

Jones calls himself the Rams' "best chance" at victory

Jones said that as long as the Rams keep failing to convert third downs, the better off the team will be.

"I know it sounds weird, but trust me on this: Donnie Jones will win the game for the Rams if they just give Donnie Jones the ball on 4th down," Jones said before adding, "But you gotta get off the field, now. Donnie Jones can't help by standing on the sidelines."

Jones went so far as to make a suggestion "out of the box."

"If we have to punt on third down, second down, whatever, then I'm OK with that," he said. "Donnie Jones is ready, no matter what down it is."

Jones reasons that the more he punts, the less tired the Rams' offense will be, setting them up for some late-game heroics.

"The Redskins won't have no field position, that's for sure," Jones said brashly. "Then, late in the game, Donnie Jones is willing to stand on the sidelines on fourth down for a game-winning field goal."

When it was pointed out that the Rams have been outscored, 147-43, and haven't lost a game by less than 17 points thus far, Jones refused to back off his statements.

"That was before Donnie Jones asked for the ball, gentlemen," he said. "I got me some coffin corner kicks in my bag -- you just wait."

Jones then joined his Rams teammates in the locker room, who, upon being told of the punter's comments, savagely beat him. He's listed as "day-to-day."

DeMarcus Ware: "I Don't WANT To Sack Anyone, But I Will If I Have To"

2008-10-02T10:22:00.004-04:00

Dallas, TX. (Oct. 2) - Dallas Cowboys linebacker/defensive end DeMarcus Ware, who was third in the NFL last year in sacks, says that performing that role is one that he doesn't relish, but realizes is necessary.

"Look, I don't WANT to sack anyone," Ware said after practice yesterday. "But I will if I have to. If quarterbacks would just learn to get rid of the damn ball. And if those offensive linemen would only learn how to handle my spin move and bull rush -- then none of this sacking business would be going on."

Ware expressed remorse at the number of sacks he has been accumulating -- 37.5 and counting in his young, four-year career -- and knows it must have a "terrible" effect on the quarterbacks, the linemen, and their families.

"I usually tell the dude after I've slammed his sorry ass into the turf after a sack: 'This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you'," Ware said. "But it's tough love, you know?"

Ware says he sometimes fantasizes of a world "where there would be no need for sacking and we could all just co-exist peacefully but competitively on the football field for all to see." But, he acknowledged, "That world is probably not likely in my lifetime. Maybe my children or grand-children will see it, though."

In Dallas's game against Washington last Sunday, Ware sacked Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell.

"He felt awful," Campbell said of Ware. "His eyes welled up and he kind of choked out, 'Damn you, Jason Campbell! Why'd you make me go and do that?'"

Redskins tackle Chris Samuels, who Ware beat with an "up and under move" to sack Campbell, said Ware was quite apologetic.

An emotionally distraught DeMarcus Ware forces himself to sack another quarterback, much to his chagrin

"On the way back to the huddle he said, 'Chris -- please jam me under my neck with your forearm next time. Please -- I beg you'," Samuels said, recounting Ware's words. "He was really shaken. You could tell that sacking the quarterback gives him no pleasure at all. None."

Ware reiterated that yesterday. In fact, when shown video of the Campbell sack, Ware took a deep breath, sighed, looked skyward, and then squeezed his nose, between the eyes, to stop the stem of tears. Then he asked for a moment to compose himself before commenting.

"Look at me -- I'm a damn monster! A monster! Oh God, what have I done?," Ware screamed as he kicked over the television monitor. Moments later, Ware was hugged/restrained by head coach Wade Phillips, who was heard cooing, "It's OK, big guy" as Phillips stroked Ware's head.

"When I came to the Cowboys, I told them, 'I'm a good sacker, but I only do it if absolutely necessary'," Ware said, adding that he had hoped "other arrangements" could be made to stall the other team's passing attack.

"DeMarcus sees sacking the quarterback as an ostentatious display of his God-given speed, strength, and cat-like quickness," Phillips said after calming Ware down. "He feels like he shouldn't be exploiting what God has empowered him to do; in other words, a sack should be a last resort."

Ware said he can't believe the NFL hasn't come up with a "viable alternative" to the quarterback sack.

"What are we waiting for? For someone to get hurt?"

Ware said he would continue to do his job, but that he wishes it wouldn't have to come at the expense of anyone.

"I mean, those dudes are people, too," Ware said. "They have families. But don't they see that, before they let me bust through their weak protection schemes?"

Ware added that he almost wishes the NFL would outlaw the forward pass, thus eliminating the need for quarterback sacks altogether.

"A man can dream, can't he?," Ware said before strapping his helmet on and returning to the practice field, where he was later seen kicking backup quarterback Brad Johnson into unconsciousness, as punishment for failing to scramble out of Ware's grasp.

Cubs Panicked That They Might Reach World Series

2008-09-30T10:22:00.002-04:00

Chicago, IL (Sept. 30) - Owners of the best record in the National League, and therefore considered the favorites to win the league pennant, the Chicago Cubs are "panicked" that they might actually reach the World Series for the first time in 63 years.

"The Cubs have always been able to look around lately, when they've made the playoffs, and see a far superior opponent within the National League," said ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips. "So, it's never really been a question as to whether they'd make the World Series, because there was always a team much better than them in the post-season."

But now, Phillips says, the Cubs are faced with a cold reality.

"I'm hesitant to say this, but the Cubs are the odds-on favorites to make it through the NLDS and NLCS and represent the league in the Fall Classic," Phillips, a former GM of the New York Mets, added.

That prospect, according to sources close to the ballclub, has the Cubs "panicked" and "reeling."

"Look, they've always been the adorable Cubs -- the team who never has a shot, even when they make the playoffs," said a baseball insider who requested anonymity because he's afraid no one would know who he was anyway. "And that was a comfort level for them. Now you have the prospect of the Cubs actually being in the World Series, and for many in that organization, that's simply too terrifying to comprehend."

The Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908 -- 100 years exactly.

"There's a lot of pressure," said Phillips, "to keep that streak alive. There are millions of Cubs fans all over the United States who revel in the fact that their team is the nation's 'Lovable Losers.' Well, how can they be that anymore, if they even qualify for the World Series."

And if they win it?

"Christ almighty," Phillips said.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella assured his team around the All-Star break "not to worry", and that he was "pretty sure" some other team would get hot and supplant the Cubs as post-season favorites in the NL, the source said.

"But then everyone else gets dysfunctional and you have that G**damn West division, who can't get a champion with 85 wins to save its soul, and those f***ing Mets, who collapse like a house of cards every September...," a Cubs front office employee was overheard telling Piniella the other day.

"Great job, Lou! NOW what?," the employee told Piniella in a sarcastic tone.

As a result of their new front runner status, the Cubs hierarchy is set to huddle today to figure out "a way out of this mess," according to the source.

Some proposed suggestions include firing Piniella and replacing him with Cindy, the bartender at the Hangge Uppe on Rush Street; letting the Cubs' opponents supply their own pitcher when they bat; and simply not showing up for any of the games -- among other ideas.

Regardless, the Cubs are "kicking themselves" for getting into this mess, the source said.

"It just wasn't supposed to turn out this way -- not with Joe Torre in the league now," the source said, referring to the Dodgers manager who came over from the Yankees. "The Cubs were supposed to be playoff fodder."

The source added that "heads will roll" within the Cubs organization following this "unacceptable debacle."

Hochuli Offers To "Make Things Right" In Next Chargers Game He Officiates

2008-09-23T12:45:00.003-04:00

DeKalb, Ill. (Sept. 23) - NFL referee Ed Hochuli, under fire for admittedly blowing a crucial call against the San Diego Chargers on September 14, has offered to "make things right" the next time he officiates a Chargers game, according to sources.

"I'll take care of it," Hochuli was quoted as saying to Chargers head coach Norv Turner in a text message late last week, one of the sources said. "Don't worry. I'm going to make things right," Hochuli texted.

"No one feels worse about this than Ed," said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello. "So it doesn't surprise me that he wants to make up for his blunder," Aiello continued in the wake of the news of Hochuli's offer.

Hochuli incorrectly ruled that a fumble by Denver Broncos QB Jay Cutler was an incomplete pass, giving the Broncos new life late in their game with the Chargers. The Broncos went on to score the game-winning touchdown after Hochuli's mistake.

"I have shamed myself and my profession," were just some of the words Hochuli used publicly to admonish himself the day after the game. "If I had a gun right now, I'd probably shoot myself in the brain," Hochuli also said. "But, absent that, I'll just have to make it right. I just HAVE to."

Hochuli apparently wasn't just paying lip service. The sources said that, in addition to texting Turner, Hochuli has put a "big, red circle" around his next Chargers assignment -- October 19 in Buffalo -- with the intention of "making sure" the Chargers get a "fair shake -- if you know what I mean," the sources quoted Hochuli as he spoke to a friend.

The friend says that Hochuli plans on making it "ridiculously hard" for the Chargers to lose their Oct. 19 game in Buffalo.

"He feels terrible. Believe me, you'll see just how terrible Ed feels," the friend said, referring to Hochuli's planned performance in Buffalo.

Another source said that Hochuli has some things "up his sleeve", which may include some ill-timed roughing the passer calls against the Bills, a "back-breaking" holding call or two, and, if necessary, calling a Chargers field goal good, even if it isn't.

"He feels it's the least he can do," the friend said.

Turner, when reached for comment about the supposed text messages from Hochuli, would only say, "I have complete confidence in the integrity and fairness of Ed Hochuli. Especially now. I mean, ESPECIALLY now," Turner said with a wink and a smirk.

NFL referee Ed Hochuli (left), crafts a suicide letter immediately after September 14's game between the Chargers and the Broncos. He later eschewed the idea

0-2 Chiefs Change QB, Offensive Coordinator, Playbook, Head Usher, Socks, Color Scheme, Receptionist, Official Gum In Big Shake-Up

2008-09-18T10:26:00.002-04:00

Kansas City, MO. (Sept. 18) - Calling the team's 0-2 start "unacceptable", Kansas City Chiefs chairman Clark Hunt said the team's shake up wouldn't stop at changing quarterbacks.

In addition to replacing former starting QB Damon Huard with Tyler Thigpen for this Sunday's tilt with the Atlanta Falcons, Hunt said that offensive coordinator Chan Gailey would be replaced by former Chiefs great Len Dawson. But the changes don't end there.

The team's playbook, which had been in a red, 3" three-ring binder separated by rainbow-colored dividers and yellow tabs, will be replaced by a sleeker, "more leathery" spiral binder with, what Hunt called, "very cool" pockets in both the front and back.

The shake up also includes the replacement of longtime head usher Fred Garrison with Thomas Hewitt, an aggressive, 26-year-old "up-and-coming" usher who Hunt said would take the team's ushering in a "bold, new direction." Hunt said Hewitt will make ushering "fun again", and Hunt promised "more and friendlier" usher-fan interaction.

"I think part of our inability to win has been due to a confrontational relationship between our team and its fan base," Hunt said in explaining the change at the top of the usher personnel. "With Tommy, I think we can have more harmony in the stands, which should lead to a more universal acceptance of our team's state right now."

Hunt also announced that the team's socks would change from Hanes to JC Penney, and that the color scheme, which for years had been scarlett and gold, would change to red and mustard.

"The colors of ketchup and mustard," Hunt said. "Which goes back to making our fans more comfortable to go to our concession stands for hot dogs, guided of course by our friendlier ushers, led by Tommy Hewitt."

Team receptionist Amy Lowell is also out, another victim of the shake up.

"Amy's been great, but it's time to have our visitors greeted by someone more...good looking, frankly. Amy's sweet, but she is kind of dowdy looking."

Hunt said Lowell would be replaced by Heather Kimball, a 21-year-old intern who will take over receptionist duties on September 22.

"Heather's hot," Hunt said.

Heather Kimball, the Chiefs' new receptionist, who will take over on September 22 in a big team shake up

The official gum is also changing, from Big League Chew to Bazooka.

"I love those little comic strips that come with each piece," Hunt explained.

Head coach Herm Edwards, when asked about the huge makeover, said, "I'm all about winning. If Clark Hunt thinks we can neutralize the Falcons' running game and confuse their rookie quarterback, Matt Ryan, wearing JC Penney socks and chewing Bazooka, then I'm on board."

When pressed about the more football-related aspects of the shake up, such as the replacement of Huard by Thigpen, Edwards said, "Oh -- that. Well, yeah. I'm sure that will play into it, too."

Jeter: New York Yankees Looking Forward To Nice, Quiet October At Home With The Family

2008-09-16T10:42:00.004-04:00

New York, NY (Sept. 16) - The New York Yankees, tired and homesick after 13 consecutive years in Major League Baseball's playoffs, are looking forward to a "nice, quiet" October at home with the family, according to captain Derek Jeter.

"The pursuit of another World Series championship has just gotten to be too much work," the star shortstop told reporters gathered around the batting cage before yesterday's game. "I tell you, it'll be nice to cozy up by the fire, make some hot cocoa, and watch the playoffs on television. Yes sir."

Jeter said the years and years of October baseball has "taken a toll."

"There are things in life more important, you know? Sometimes you need to put things into perspective. Just today I was reading about a family whose wireless Internet hookup died, paralyzing them. No YouTube, no IM'ing for them. That's when I thought, 'Here I am, worried about making the damn playoffs, when those folks are wondering how backlogged their e-mail IN boxes are getting.

"Shame on me," Jeter said.

Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter smiles as he talks about "vegging out" with a box of Oreo cookies and watching the playoffs on TV this October

Jeter added that the Yankees decided, in early July, to just "get away from baseball" for awhile, in effect conceding the division championship and wild card spot.

"I'd say just before the All-Star break, we all kind of looked at each other in the clubhouse and said, with our eyes, 'Do we REALLY want to do this again?' It was kind of a cool moment. No words were said. Then we hugged, and everyone got real emotional," Jeter said, adding that after the hugs, the players gathered on the floor, "Indian style", and shared with each other the things they could accomplish, given a baseball-free October.

"It was very heartwarming, to hear things like how Bobby Abreu wants to finally get at that loose cupboard handle in the kitchen, and how Mariano Rivera has longed to go to Oktoberfest in Germany," Jeter said. "Now, we can -- thanks to our resolve and focus to not qualify for the playoffs, at any cost."

Jeter added that he's "looking forward" to the team's mathematical elimination, which is only days away.

"It'll be like a huge weight off our shoulders," he said. "Then we can actually say, 'We did it. We kicked the playoff habit.'"

Yankees acting managing partner Hank Steinbrenner was unavailable for comment regarding Jeter's words, but was reportedly seen chewing on a table leg in his office.

Sacrifice Bunt Hailed As Another Example Of LaRussa's "Genius"

2008-09-11T09:42:00.004-04:00

St. Louis, MO. (Sept. 11) - Although it had no bearing on the outcome of the game, and therefore did not prevent the Chicago Cubs from defeating the St. Louis Cardinals, a sacrifice bunt called for by Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa Wednesday night was roundly hailed as the latest example of the longtime skipper's "genius."

"Just when you think you've got the hang of this managing thing, Tony does something like that to remind you why he's Tony LaRussa and you're not," Cubs manager Lou Piniella, himself a veteran manager but not as smart as LaRussa, said in the aftermath of the game, won by the Cubs, 4-3.

The brilliant move came in the bottom of the eighth inning with the Cardinals trailing, 4-1. Sensing his team's offensive sluggishness, LaRussa called for what some baseball observers have described in various terms as a move that was "bold," "daring", and "damn-the-torpedoes" when he signaled for a bunt to be laid down by pinch-hitter Brian Barden.

Runners were on first and second with one out when LaRussa, through a series of hand gestures that the observers said were "dizzying yet precise", signaled for Barden, a 27-year-old just called up from the minors, to execute the bunt.

"I didn't think the bunt was coming because there was already one out," Piniella said afterward, simultaneously admitting his lack of baseball intellect when compared to LaRussa's. "Because even if it was successful, there'd be two outs and they (the Cardinals) hadn't done well in two-out situations all night," Piniella added, further illustrating his stupidity when his mind is up against LaRussa, who has infinite baseball brain power.

Barden squared to bunt as the Busch Stadium crowd gasped. The first pitch from Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly was high and outside. Undaunted, LaRussa again went through a series of gestures, adding such wrinkles as gently tugging his left earlobe, brushing his fingers across his chest, and tapping his nose intermittently.

"That stuff had me reeling," Piniella said of the gestures and non-verbal signals. "I look at Tony and he's doing all this stuff," Piniella said as he tried, futilely, to mimic the gestures to reporters, "and I'm thinking, something bad is about to happen to us, and by extension, to me personally."

The second pitch from Lilly, who appeared slightly rattled, was delivered. Barden again squared to bunt, but then, at the last moment, pulled his bat back even though the pitch was a perfect strike.

"I almost threw up," Piniella said of LaRussa's apparent strategy of having Barden alternately showing bunt and reneging.

Finally, on Lilly's third pitch, which was simply lobbed to the plate because the left-hander was too discombobulated to throw anything else, Barden laid down the bunt, which was described by witnesses as being "good."

Cubs catcher Geovany Soto was able to shake himself from his stupor -- an act that Piniella called "courageous beyond belief" -- and leapt from his catcher's crouch. Soto then pounced on the dribbling baseball, picked it up, and threw to first baseman Derrek Lee, who some say had a "stunned, faraway look" in his eyes, but who was still able to catch the throw from Soto.

The incredibly smart LaRussa weighs the effects of his thinking, moments before terrorizing the Cubs with a sacrifice bunt in the 8th inning of Wednesday's game

The bunt, successful, put runners on second and third with two outs.

"If this was football or basketball, I'd have called a timeout," Piniella said. "You know, to gather ourselves and to make sure we didn't lose our composure."

Instead, Piniella wanted to at least go to the mound to talk to Lilly and his infielders, but found himself "anchored to the bench with fear."

"I simply could not move. I was truly helpless at that point," Piniella said, his voice wavering, clearly not soothed by his team's eventual victory.

Lilly managed to gather himself to face the next batter, Cesar Izturis, and despite his "heart pounding out of his chest", according to Lilly, the pitcher retired Izturis with a flyball to center field.

"My legs were like spaghetti when that inning was over with," Piniella said, a shaky hand reaching for a post-game cup of water. "I'm sorry," he added, excusing himself from his office, leaving reporters to their own devices.

LaRussa, according to team spokesman Louis Harrison, had no comment about the bunt.

"Tony doesn't talk about why he does things, mainly because none of you would understand anyway," Harrison said. "You're all dumb. Baseball dumb."

Too intimidated mentally to argue, the group of reporters all nodded knowingly. One was heard saying, "That's why LaRussa's a genius and we're the idiots writing about him."

Nationals, Padres To Split Upcoming Three Game Series In Half

2008-09-09T10:07:00.002-04:00

Washington, D.C. (Sept. 9) - The last-place Washington Nationals and the equally-as-last-place San Diego Padres have decided to not play their upcoming three-game series in Washington, agreeing instead to award each other 1-1/2 victories in the standings.

"If you can think of one good reason why this series should be played, I'm all ears," said Nationals General Manager Jim Bowden yesterday as he spoke to reporters in the team parking lot, between mouthfuls of a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese. When that statement was met with silence, Bowden raised his eyebrows and said, "What? Cat got your tongue?"

Sources close to the negotiations said that Nationals and Padres executives held a "two or three minute" conference call Monday and "pretty much decided right away" to take the weekend of September 19-21 off, when the Padres are scheduled to visit the Nationals.

The execs cited several reasons for the cancellations, including "the games don't mean s***"; "who really cares?"; and "we've all got tons to do around the house, with school just starting". Bowden himself, it was reported, expressed a desire to "take in some football" and "not feel guilty about it," as he would if his team was playing that weekend.

Nationals star Ryan Zimmerman, when reached in the same parking lot moments after Bowden drove off, seemed willing to go along with the decision.

"I don't know much about it. I hear we're going to be assigned some stats, so I might hit a home run or two while I'm golfing," Zimmerman said with a chuckle, referring to the plan to "play" the three-game set using the electronic video game "MLB 2008" and putting it into "auto mode."

In the standings, each team will receive 1-1/2 victories. That part of the plan needs MLB approval, though.

"We in the MLB offices really couldn't care less if the Nationals and the Padres play," said spokesman Jeff Treadwell. "But the one-and-a-half wins each thing, we have to think about. Won't that look obvious, and kinda stupid?"

The Nationals and Padres each sport 56-88 records and are deeply burrowed in last place in their respective divisions.

As for the fans who hold tickets for the games, Bowden said, "They will be reimbursed for their costs." Sources say the reimbursement will likely come in the form of Nationals souvenirs and coupons to local retail outlets, and that efforts to reach out to those who hold tickets will begin "soon." When asked how many fans will be affected by the cancellations, the source said, "Gosh...hundreds."

Report: Half of NFL Teams To Make It Through Week 1 Undefeated

2008-09-05T13:01:00.003-04:00

New York, NY (Sept. 5) - A report released on the eve of the opening weekend of the NFL season indicates that exactly half of the league's 32 teams will emerge from Week 1 undefeated.

"Statistically there is almost undeniable truth to that notion," said Dr. William Strong of the Hayes-Morgan Institute, which was commissioned by the NFL to do the study. "And, as we've already seen after just one game, that trend is holding true," Dr. Strong added, referring to Thursday night's game between the New York Giants and the Washington Redskins, won by the Giants, 16-7.

The study was asked for to satisfy skeptics who claim that NFL games are fixed.

"How can they be fixed if 50% of the teams will be happy and 50% will not be?", said Dr. Strong.

The study, which lasted six months, covered games played between 1985-2004.

"In those 20 seasons, without fail, half of the teams came away from Week 1 undefeated," Dr. Strong said. "And we saw that trend continue throughout the season."

Dr. Strong said that, although games from 2005-2007 weren't included in the study, he was "confident" that the "50/50 rule" would hold true for those games as well.

The next NFL study that Hayes-Morgan will do will be to determine whether clouds of dust actually materialize after rushing plays that gain three yards.

Amidst Tampa Bay Rays' Turnaround, Pittsburgh Pirates To Change Name To "Rates"

2008-09-04T10:32:00.003-04:00

Pittsburgh, PA. (Sept. 4) - Buoyed by the success of the Tampa Bay Rays following their name change, the Pittsburgh Pirates announced that, next season, the team will be known as the Rates.

The Rays, who had been known as the Devil Rays since their debut in 1998, dropped the "Devil" portion of their name and changed uniforms. The team is now enjoying its first winning season ever, and is destined to make the playoffs.

"As steeped in tradition as the Pirates franchise is, that does not mean that we are not willing to change with the times," Pirates spokesman Kenneth Franklin said in announcing the change. Franklin added that the team's colors would change from the age-old black and gold to a more "modern" combination of Sky Blue, black, and Sea Foam.

"We're pleased to announce that, beginning with the 2009 season, the Major League Baseball team in Pittsburgh will be known as the Pittsburgh Rates," Franklin said, reading a prepared statement at a press conference in the lobby of the team office. "We are dropping 'Pi' from our name, in keeping with the 21st century baseball fan's desire for sleeker, more streamlined nicknames."

The Pirates have not qualified for the playoffs since 1992, and have not had a winning season since '92, either. They hope to reverse those trends with the new name.

Franklin said the name wouldn't be pronounced with a long "a", is in "prime rates", but would be in keeping with the second syllable of "Pirates", thus meaning the new name will be pronounced "Rets," with a short "e".

"Rhyming with 'bets'," Franklin explained.

The team's logo will also change, as the franchise will part ways with the familiar Pirate, or Buccaneer, and change to something that is "to be announced."

"First, we need to determine exactly what a 'Rate' is, and how it should be portrayed," Franklin said.

He said the team will hold a contest, soliciting fans' visions of what a Rate is.

Early rumors indicated that the decision on a new logo has already been made, negating the need for a contest. Sources say the contenders are: an image of Gone With the Wind hero Rhett Butler; a rat; dollar signs; Willie Stargell; and a python.

Local Man Rooting For Yankees To Make Playoffs Just So He Can See Them Lose In Them

2008-08-28T11:19:00.003-04:00

Findlay, OH. (Aug. 28) - Baseball fan and Findlay resident Matt Garces, according to friends and family, desperately wants the New York Yankees to qualify for the playoffs, hoping beyond hope that the storied franchise can make up a seven-game deficit in the season's final weeks.

The reason? So Garces can see the Yankees "go down" in the post-season.

"The Yankees haven't missed the playoffs since 1994," Garces told his brother, Mark, the other day at dinner. "They haven't won the World Series since 2000. I love it when the Yankees make the playoffs and lose. It rocks," Mark Garces told reporters of his 24-year-old brother's remarks.

Mark Garces, 22, said that Matt's sentiments are that "it's just not the playoffs without the Yankees in it, under-achieving and being upset by a weaker opponent." Mark said his brother reveled in last season's charge, in which the Yankees played superbly after the All-Star break and made the playoffs as the American League Wild Card. Then, to Matt's delight, the Yankees were eliminated by the Cleveland Indians in the Divisional Series, 3-1. The year before that, Matt threw a party after the Detroit Tigers beat the Yankees, 3-1, in the ALDS.

"He just hates the Yankees so much," Mark said. "It goes back to when he was a kid and we went to an Indians game, and the Yankees won in extra innings. That, plus, well, who DOESN'T hate the Yankees, outside of New York?"

Matt Garces, shown during his 2006 party after the Yankees lost to the Tigers in the playoffs

Mark Garces says that his brother is in "scoreboard watching mode", tracking the Boston Red Sox -- who lead the Yankees for the Wild Card spot -- and going through all sorts of rituals, hoping the Red Sox will lose and the Yankees can overtake them.

"He was up all night yesterday, crafting a crude Mike Lowell voodoo doll," Matt's father Richard confirmed. "He now has voodoo dolls of almost all the Red Sox starting position players. In September he'll work on the pitching staff."

Richard Garces says that Matt holds no ill will against the Red Sox.

"It's not an anti-Boston thing, just a pro-Yankee thing -- until the playoffs," Matt's father said.

Mark said that his brother has gotten "accustomed" to seeing the Yankees fail in the playoffs and/or World Series, and considers the team's fall failures of recent years "comfy and cozy."

"Matt says that it just won't be fall without the Yankees crushing their fans' hopes in the playoffs," Mark said. "That, and he hates Rudy Giuliani."

"That's another story," Richard Garces said of the Giuliani thing, rolling his eyes. "You don't want to hear it."

Giants To Ask 1986 Team To Come Out Of Retirement, Just To Be Safe

2008-08-25T13:21:00.003-04:00

East Rutherford, NJ (Aug. 25) - Stung by the loss of defensive end Osi Umenyiora for the season to injury, and with the pressure to return to the Super Bowl mounting, the New York Giants have not only asked DE Michael Strahan to come out of retirement, but are on the verge of asking the entire 1986 team to do so as well.

The '86 Giants, who routed the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXI, are seen as the "safest" backup plan, with injuries mounting and continued distrust in quarterback Eli Manning festering.

"Given the events of the past few days, and with young Eli still trying to prove to his detractors that last year was no fluke, we feel that the 1986 Giants offer a solid, trustworthy fortification to this year's squad," Giants co-owner Steve Tisch said in a statement released this morning. Tisch added that '86 QB Phil Simms "has way more credibility", at this juncture, than Manning, and that Simms elicits more trust in his teammates than Manning. "But this is no slap in Eli's face," team spokesman Dennis Ribant said. "This will take a lot of pressure off Eli. He can learn from Phil."

The '86 Giants will assume pretty much all roster spots for now, until head coach Tom Coughlin and his staff "have a better comfort level" with the '08 squad, according to Ribant.

Strahan, who retired after the Giants' Super Bowl upset over the New England Patriots last February, agreed to consider coming out of retirement after Umenyiora suffered a season-ending knee injury against the Jets over the weekend. But while Strahan mulled it over, sources say that Tisch decided to go "one step further" and bring back the 1986 championship squad.

"Steve doesn't do things half-ass," said friend Barry Heller. "If he's going to start bringing Giants players out of retirement, then you can bet he'll bring the best of the best. No pussy-footing around," Heller said of the resurrection of the '86 Giants.

Current Giants running back Brandon Jacobs says he welcomes the input of new teammate Joe Morris, 47, the team's leading rusher in 1986.

"How can I NOT learn from someone like Joe?," Jacobs told reporters in the locker room yesterday. "Why, just a few minutes ago, Joe was telling me things about fluid on the knee and post-concussion syndrome that I had no clue about. And I'm sure that when he called me 'Honey', it was just a term."

Report: Area Kid About To "Put Someone's Eye Out"

2008-08-19T11:19:00.002-04:00

DeKalb, Ill. (Aug. 19) - According to sources close to him -- namely, his mother -- local 12-year-old Brian Martin is "about to put someone's eye out", unless he stops playing stick ball in the alley behind their apartment building.

"I'm telling you, that boy just doesn't listen," an exasperated Marie Martin told reporters gathered in front of the family's apartment building on Russo Street, just north of Maple. "The way he swings that stick...," she said before failing to finish the sentence, shaking her head.

Stick ball, a bastardized version of baseball, is played with a large stick, which is swung, baseball-bat style, at a hurled object. In Brian's case, he and his friends have been using a hollow plastic ball they found in the Dumpster behind the Rexall Drugs.

Brian Martin, engaging in another activity that's not "mother approved"

Martin and four area youngsters were engaged in the stick ball game around two o'clock yesterday afternoon when Martin's mother saw them as she took out the trash. Once she saw the haphazard way the boys were swinging the stick -- a broken branch from a nearby maple tree -- Marie Martin immediately called a halt to the action, an act which embarrassed Brian "like crazy", according to his friends.

That's when Brian's mother made the inference that someone's eye would be "put out", indicating that the stick would be flung, fly out of the boy's hands, and impale itself into the eye socket of one of his friends, thus robbing the victim of vision in that eye, which would then have to be removed and replaced with a glass eye.

Though no recorded instances of such a thing actually occurring exist, Marie Martin refused to retract her warning when asked by reporters.

"The stick swinging is too dangerous," she said. When pressed as to why, she responded, firmly, "Because I said so."

Speculation arose that Brian Martin may seek an injunction against his mother's stick ball ban by appealing to his father, but Louis Martin is divorced from Brian's mother and thus only sees him every other weekend. So, any hope for an overruling will have to wait until this Saturday, at the earliest.

Louis Martin could not be reached for comment, according to his friend, Misty Summers.

Area Man Attends Ballgame, Doesn't Care If He Ever Gets Back

2008-08-12T10:14:00.004-04:00

Kansas City, MO (Aug. 12) - Kansas City Royals baseball fan Martin Pierson continues to remain at Kauffman Stadium, nearly 48 hours after the conclusion of Sunday's game against the Minnesota Twins.

"Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack!," Pierson demanded from stadium employees who tried to remove him yesterday, more than 18 hours after the Twins' 4-1 victory over the Royals on Sunday afternoon. "Then we'll talk."

But then, after team officials were encouraged that Pierson would leave if provided with the requested snacks, the 28-year-old fan threw another wrinkle into the situation.

"I don't care if I EVER get back," Pierson said, apparently referring to his suburban Kansas City home.

Pierson, who, according to his ex-girlfriend, is a musician, attended Sunday's game with his brother-in-law Phillip Mooney and his nephew, Skip. But Pierson had driven separately, and told Mooney and his son that he would be "along in a minute." Mooney told police that the plan was for Pierson to follow Mooney home for a post-game meal.

Pierson on Monday at Kauffman Stadium -- about 24 hours after the Royals' loss to the Twins on Sunday afternoon

"But he never showed up," Mooney said, according to transcripts of his interview with Kansas City police.

Mooney, when reached by reporters last night, said that Pierson was enjoying himself, "as usual", and nothing seemed amiss.

"The only thing that was odd was when he said, 'If the Royals don't win, it's a shame', " Mooney said of Pierson's cryptic comments in the eighth inning, the Royals trailing by three runs. "Because Martin is a die-hard Royals fan. But he said it casually, and with almost a twinkle in his eye."

When Skip Mooney, 5, asked his uncle why Royals catcher John Buck was headed back to the dugout, the bat in his hands, Pierson said, "Because it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old ballgame," according to the elder Mooney, after Buck had struck out in the sixth inning.

Police said they hope to remove Pierson from the stadium in time for the Royals' next home game, August 22 against Detroit, but it wasn't clear how they would accomplish that without using force.

"He's actually a nice guy," said police spokesman Leonard Hoffman. "I hope he just leaves on his own volition. But boy, he can pack down the peanuts and Cracker Jack."

Yankees, Red Sox To Merge, Form "Mega Team"

2008-08-06T13:33:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (Aug 6) - Realizing that their nearly century-long rivalry has become counter-productive, MLB's New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox announced that they will merge by the end of 2008 and become a more fan-friendly "mega team".

"It's time to bring out the peace pipe," said Red Sox owner John Henry, flanked at a press conference in front of MLB offices in Manhattan by Yankees vice chairman Hank Steinbrenner. "After many long, hard years -- indeed, decades -- of trying to best each other, we felt that our forces are much more powerful and intimidating when joined," Henry added.

"So it is with great pleasure that I announce to you the formation of the New York/Boston Yankee Sox," Henry said as a crowd of pre-selected well-wishers applauded and cheered.

Steinbrenner echoed Henry's sentiments.

"Why get at each other's throats when we can just slice those of our competitors?," Steinbrenner wondered aloud.

Under the merger, the Yankee Sox will play half their home games at Fenway Park in Boston, and half at the new Citi Park in New York, which is set to open in 2009. They'll combine rosters, coaches, and even ushers.

"It's an amicable joining -- 50/50, right down the line," Henry said. Current Yankees manager Joe Girardi will skipper games played in New York, while Red Sox manager Terry Francona will take the reins in Boston games. Current star players like Alex Rodriguez, David Ortiz, and Derek Jeter "will just have to come up with some sort of schedule" as far as who plays which games at which positions, Henry said. But Henry conceded that the merged roster will be "a joy" for Girardi and Francona to manage.

"Now, Joe or Terry can rest Jason Varitek at catcher and play Pudge Rodriguez," Steinbrenner said. "Or remove Mike Lowell for a pinch-hitter, which could be Jason Giambi.

"The possibilities are endless."

Henry said the idea for joining forces came out of an innocent phone call he placed to Steinbrenner after a recent Yankees-Red Sox game.

"I had had a few, I admit," Henry said, chuckling. "But I just said to Hank, 'Even I'm sick of the Red Sox and the Yankees. Why don't we shake things up a bit?' It just took off from there."

Steinbrenner, himself admitting to having had "3 or 4" gin and tonics by that time, suggested a merger.

"I don't know if he was serious or not, but I said, 'F**k yeah -- why not?', " according to Henry.

The next day, the two men met at a Starbucks "about halfway" between New York and Boston, and scribbled the preliminary plan on a "small, college ruled notebook" that Henry had brought, "just in case."

Henry shared the scribbled notes with reporters, holding it up then passing it around. On it were randomly scrawled words such as "Red Yankees?"; "Bosyork?"; "New Boston?"; "red pinstripes?"; and "TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION", which was written in bigger letters and followed by several exclamation points.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement that read, in part: "Major League Baseball, while saddened that the famed Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is now a thing of the past, is nonetheless eager to see this new 'mega team' formed by this merger. Mergers are becoming more of the norm in today's society, and we urge baseball fans to embrace this new partnership. If nothing else, it'll make it easier for those fans who hate both the Yankees and the Red Sox -- since now they'll only have to spend their energy hating one team."

Selig's office admitted, however, that the merger might have a short-term affect on television ratings, as there will no longer be anymore Yankees-Red Sox games to televise. However, there is early talk of airing great Yankees-Red Sox games of the past.

Also announced was a combining of the two storied franchises' histories -- with re-worked tales of Babe Ruth and Ted Williams fishing together in the mid-1940s being "worked on" currently. Future stories will include hilarious, wild antics of Billy Martin, Mickey Mantle, Bobby Doerr, and Johnny Pesky carousing together in alcoholic stupors.

To bring the American League back up to 14 teams, MLB announced that the Tampa Bay Rays would be broken up into two teams -- the Tampa Devils and the Bay Rays. That suggestion was also made by Henry and Steinbrenner, the news of which didn't surprise baseball analysts. At press time, Henry was trying to make that change effective as soon as next week, or at least before the end of the regular season.

Groups Of NFL Players Start Their Own "Fantasy Office" League

2008-08-01T14:21:00.002-04:00

Allen Park, MI. (Aug. 1) - It's becoming a more normal sight -- small groups of NFL players huddling together, but this time huddling off the field. They gather together in their dorm rooms after the day's training camp practices are finished, about to engage in the newest phenomenon in the league: fantasy office.

More and more NFL players are spending their free time drafting and trading office workers across the country, and they are finding this new game to be quite addictive.

"Aww man, you have no idea!," said Detroit Lions linebacker Paris Lenon yesterday as he got ready to settle down with four teammates to discuss possible trades. "The other day I got my aggression out on the field after my boy in Pittsburgh got written up for excessive tardiness," Lenon said of Pittsburgh assistant public relations coordinator Jeremy Lucas, an employee of Weinberg and Associates, who Lenon has as his "sleeper" pick on his fantasy office team, The Staplers.

Lenon and his teammates "own" office workers throughout the country in a variety of fields, ranging from marketing to retail to the recording industry. The workers "cost" varying amounts of money, and each week points are accumulated based on a variety of categories: copy machine knowledge; e-mail efficiency; subordination; promptness; and a special stat called TWO, or Total Worker Output, which is a very complicated statistic that can only be gotten with a specially-programmed computer -- not unlike the quarterback rating in the NFL.

The "holy Grail" for NFL players involved in Fantasy Office leagues is when a worker they own has what is called an Office Busting Week -- one in which the employee scores perfect 10s in all categories. Lenon says he's never had such a week from one of his workers, but added that Memphis, TN office manager Crystal Hennesey came close, with only a "9" in telephone courtesy ruining a possible Office Buster.

Lions player Mike Furrey joined Lenon at the table and was very excited about his recent pickup.

"I found that Matthew Ellison had been cut a few minutes earlier," Furrey said of the 27-year-old tech support assistant manager at Telmix, a software firm in Bakersfield, CA. "I knew that Ellison was very good at Problem Solving, which can carry your team in a bad week. So I snatched him up," Furrey added, although he was saddened to have to cut Gainesville, FL cashier Mary Willingham, who Furrey described as an "up-and-coming" worker. "But you gotta give up something to get something, ya know?", Furrey said.

It pained Furrey to have to cut Gainesville cashier Willingham (above), but had no choice in order to make room for Ellison

Lenon was disgusted by his league's rule that says all workers must be in place and on rosters by 5pm Friday, or else their stats won't count for the following week.

"Everyone knows that things can happen over the weekend," Lenon groused. "A guy could go drinking and get too hungover to come in on Monday, or he takes a three-day weekend and you lose him for Monday. I think 9am Monday would be more fair." Lenon says he plans to take his concerns to league commish Jeff Backus, who also functions as the Lions' starting left tackle.

Peyton Manning Wants To Use A Stunt Double During Exhibition Season

2008-07-30T14:06:00.002-04:00

Terre Haute, IN (Jul 30) - Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, in an effort to keep his body in "tip-top" condition for the 2008 regular season, has asked the team to provide him with a stunt double for all four exhibition games.

"We all know that these games don't mean a hoot," Manning said in his southern drawl during a break in practice. "And everyone knows that if I get hurt, this team is f***ed. Right?"

At that, reporters looked at each other, shrugged, and nodded their heads in agreement.

Manning continued. "Right. So why the hell risk my health on a bunch of meaningless games that no one gives two s**ts about?"

Again the reporters nodded, shrugging.

"So I've asked the Colts to provide me with a stunt double, who will take all snaps and do all scrambling, and absorb all hits, during next month's exhibition schedule," Manning said.

Under Manning's proposal, an athletic man, whose name will not be revealed, will don Manning's no. 18 jersey and pose as the All-Pro signal caller throughout the pre-season. The QB/double will also be someone who has experience doing stunts for movies and television.

"I have a few people in mind right now," Manning said. "During my off-season workouts I met some dudes. They've worked on shows like MacGyver and Walker, Texas Ranger. I've been teaching them how to look like an NFL quarterback. Just like I taught Jim Sorgi," Manning said of his annual, "real" backup.

Manning said that, under his plan, the stunt double would only need to learn how to hand off, because he won't be throwing any passes.

"(Coach) Tony (Dungy) usually pulls me out midway through the first quarter anyway," Manning reasoned. "So it wouldn't look all that odd for 'me' to not throw any passes. Besides, I hate putting all those pads and stuff on in August....I sweat like a pig."

Dungy said he was open to the idea.

"Hey, whatever keeps Peyton fresh so we can win the Super Bowl...that's what's important. Not whether some poor guy pays top dollar for pre-season games so he can see Peyton Manning. Tough cookies."

MLB Player Wishes Team Would "Just Trade Me and Get it Over With Already"

2008-07-28T12:17:00.002-04:00

Cleveland, OH (July 28) - Cleveland Indians infielder Jhonny Peralta so believes that he is the next to be traded by the team that he has taken to wandering around the clubhouse before every game, pacing and muttering that he wishes the team would "just do it already."

"Jhonny truly believes he is next," affirmed teammate Grady Sizemore. "He thought he was next before they traded Casey (Blake), but now he's convinced."

The Indians traded Blake to the Dodgers over the weekend.

Teammates have tried to allay his fears, but Peralta cannot be soothed. Even manager Eric Wedge tried to calm him, but to no avail.

"I told him that we have absolutely no thoughts of trading him," Wedge told reporters during batting practice yesterday, as Peralta criss-crossed the field, asking teammates, and reporters, if they've heard anything new. "But he won't have any of it. He just tells me, 'You're just saying that.'"

Peralta has taken to sneaking a peek at General Manager Mark Shapiro's blackberry whenever he can, and has been caught trying to open company e-mail on employees' laptops, all with the belief that every e-mail, every text message, contains details of a trade involving him.

"God just do it!," Sizemore said Peralta screamed in the showers after Saturday night's game. Sizemore added that Peralta then yelled, "I can't TAKE it anymore!"

The non-waiver trading deadline is Thursday afternoon.

Teammates and club officials aren't certain just how Peralta got it into his head that he is on the trading block.

"I didn't say anything -- I don't THINK," said traveling secretary Mike Hodges. "God...I...maybe it was when I made that joke a week or so ago about cleaning house here. I'm so sorry that Jhonny took it this far. It was just a joke!"

Others tried to offer theories, ranging from "he's just paranoid" to "that damned Internet" to "he must have gotten it from Satch", referring to longtime equipment manager Satch Sanders, 77.

"Everyone knows that Satch is like the Associated Press around here," said a club employee who requested anonymity. "Maybe the old coot said something and Jhonny took it the wrong way."

Regardless, Peralta has taken to not speaking to the media anymore, until, he says, "the trade freaking happens."

"Then I'll have plenty to say," he said on Saturday.

An Internet poll on the team's website says that if Peralta is on the trading block, it's "because he spells his first name like an idiot."

LeBron James Threatens To Send Cavs Teammates To Summer League Without Any Dinner

2008-07-18T14:06:00.003-04:00

Cleveland, OH. (Jul. 18) - Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James, unhappy with the commitment his teammates showed last season to the game of basketball, along with being "disappointed" in them lately, has told his fellow Cavs that he "won't hesitate" to send them to the Summer League, warning them, "don't think that I won't."

"Now, I've had just about enough of this," James said to a group of Cavaliers players who were laughing and frollicking during a loosely-organized scrimmage yesterday in downtown Cleveland. James informed the group -- which included Daniel Gibson, Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, and some rookie free agents -- that he was "sick and tired" of their carefree attitude, and that if they think he won't make good on his threats to banish them to NBA Summer League, then they "have another think coming."

James became annoyed when Gibson and Szczerbiak abandoned their set offensive play and began simply throwing the basketball at each other in an improvised game of Dodgeball. Then, as James scolded the two players, Wallace crept up behind James and mimicked him, making funny faces and rolling his eyes.

"Maybe y'all need some Summer Leaguing," James said, which temporarily quelled the situation. But minutes later, some rookie free agents began giggling uncontrollably, which got the rest of the team laughing. That's when James announced that the scrimmage was over with and ordered everyone to "put your head down" and observe "quiet time." All seemed fine until an unidentified player farted, which started everyone laughing again.

James then pretended to call the Summer League and make reservations for his teammates, but then added that next time he "wouldn't be fooling around. I have the Summer League on speed dial. I mean it!" James also indicated that any Summer League assignments would be fulfilled without the benefit of dinner.

Some Versions Of Madden '09 To Include John Madden

2008-07-11T13:28:00.002-04:00

Redwood City, CA. (July 11) - In an effort to bring the video game experience to a new level, EA Sports announced that some "Special Edition" versions of the popular football game Madden '09 will include the former coach and current TV analyst himself.

"Specially-marked editions -- boxes with holographs undetectable with the human eye -- will be sprinkled in stores throughout the country," EA Sports spokesman Mark Hansen said at a news conference yesterday. "These boxes, when opened, will provide the lucky owner with a video game experience that is unparalleled in the industry today," Hansen added.

Upon the opening of the randomly-marked boxes, John Madden will burst from the front cover and land "feet first" in front of the gamer. He will then provide personal instructions and updates from Madden '08. After a sample gaming session, Madden is slated to wish the gamer luck and provide coupons for future EA Sports purchases. Then, Madden will vanish into thin air.

"The 'grip-and-grins' have to be rather short, unfortunately, so John can be inserted into the next randomly-selected box," Hansen said. The technology is such that no store is allowed to scan a Special Edition box before Madden is ready for insertion.

In this still photo, John Madden is depicted bursting forth from a Madden '09 box -- something that will be reality for some lucky game buyers

"If a specially-marked box is in, say, Portland, and John's latest appearance was in Orlando, the box in Portland cannot be scanned until John is inserted, through the miracle of laser technology, into that box in Portland," explained Hansen.

Madden, when reached thru his publicist, said of the Special Edition Madden '09 boxes: "I just gotta say that when I show up, BAM!, I'm gonna be right in the middle of that person's living room, and you know, you know that the living room, it, it's the center of attention, and you know, you know that, you know, when I was talking to Brett Favre, and Brett Favre, now you know that Brett Favre was always ready to go and here's, here's a guy who played in a lot of big games in Green Bay, and I'm just, I'm just gonna be doin' my thing and we'll just, you know, we'll just have to see if it's good enough. I think it will be."

Mannings' Bid To Be Most Annoying Sports Family Ever Nearing Completion

2008-07-07T14:10:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (July 7) - The Manning family, which includes father Archie and quarterback-playing sons Eli and Peyton, have targeted 2008's opening day of the NFL season as the date that they'll officially become sports' most annoying family.

"If not sooner," said Archie during a break in shooting a series of 45 new ESPN SportsCenter commercials. "After we leave here we're going right to Atlanta to shoot a bunch of whimsical promos for CNN, and then it's off to the Major League Baseball All-Star Game in New York," Archie Manning added, referring to he and his sons throwing out the first, second, and third pitches of the mid-summer classic.

The Mannings lead all of professional sports in the relatively new statistic called Images Per Minute, or IPM.

"It's a way to gauge any family's exposure," notes IPM founder and developer Randall Borders. "Right now, the Mannings hold a sizeable lead over the Williams sisters in tennis. And their agenda clearly shows an intent to not only hold on to that lead, but to build on it."

Borders says that the Mannings' current IPM is .24, meaning that the Mannings appear on television or on the radio or in the newspapers roughly .24 times a minute. Translated, the Mannings thus enter our psyche approximately once every 2.5 minutes. Compare this to the Williams sisters' IPM, which sits at just .11 -- and you can see how far ahead the Mannings are in IPM.

A recent image shows the aggressive, virulent Manning strain of sports family; "They seem resistant to fatigue," Borders says

"The Mannings figured to have a banner year in IPM when the year began," Borders says. "But after Eli's Giants won the Super Bowl, their IPM spiked higher than we anticipated."

The Mannings, according to research released by the IPM institute, have appeared in 212 different commercials, print ads, and radio spots, combined, since January 1, 2008. They have, so far, recorded nearly 100 humorous ESPN SportsCenter promos, and are contracted to do cross-promotion for several Disney, Pixar, and Universal films between now and early-2009. This is in addition to countless voice-over work for various local car dealerships, banks, and sporting goods stores, not to mention public service announcements for over 30 different charities, illnesses, and male medical conditions.

"This may be the most insistent, aggressive strain of sports family that we've ever seen," Borders says with an ominous tone of the Mannings. "They currently seem to be resistant to any form of fatigue, jet lag, or to being overwhelmed with multiple requests for their time. This is bordering on a pandemic," Borders says.

Archie Manning doesn't see what all the fuss is about.

"Heck, we just love bein' on TV," he said with a chuckle.

Struggling Konerko To Start Swinging When Chatter Instructs Him To Do So

2008-06-30T12:39:00.003-04:00

Chicago, IL. (Jun 30) - Chicago White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko, struggling all season to keep his batting average above .200, announced that he's trying a new tactic.

"Whenever I'm told to swing, I'll swing," Konerko told reporters gathered around the batting cage prior to yesterday's interleague game against the crosstown Cubs. "That includes infielders who are making some chatter, and any fans who I can pick up chanting in the stands."

Konerko referred specifically to the age-old mantra of "Hey batter, batter, batter, batter -- SWING!" and said that he's willing to take that advice now.

"I've tried just about everything else," said the 32-year-old Konerko, currently batting .215 and set to return from the disabled list this week. "I've tried hypnotism, smearing hot peppers on my socks, and kissing a photo of Jessica Alba," Konerko said. "All without any real success.

"What's the worst that could happen"," he reasoned.

Konerko said he got the idea from watching a rerun of the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which includes a scene with Ferris's friend Cameron shouting the mantra at a Cubs game.

"Then it hit me: does anyone ever really swing when that's said?," Konerko asked reporters. "When I was in Little League, no one ever did. I think it's about time someone did. And that someone is going to be me."

Konerko then took batting practice, but not before rubbing teammate AJ Pierzynski's head and licking his ear, explaining the odd behavior as another way of breaking out of his slump -- something that Pierzynski said was news to him.

Woods: I Also Played U.S. Open With A Broken Arm, A Damaged Pelvis, And Other Internal Injuries

2008-06-25T10:22:00.003-04:00

Aspen, CO. (Jun 25) - Adding to his legend, Tiger Woods revealed yesterday that in addition to winning the U.S. Open with a badly injured left knee, he also played with an assortment of other injuries, ranging from a broken arm to internal bleeding.

"Whenever you'd see me grimace, it could have been for any number of reasons," Woods told reporters as he began a summer of rehabilitation in this Colorado resort town. "My knee? Possibly. But there were other things. Other, very bad things," Woods said, his voice dropping and turning menacing.

Woods then listed his ailments -- the ones bothering him at the Open two weeks ago.

"A broken right arm," he said. "Yeah, I broke it. It was a clean break. I suffered it earlier in the week, playing with my daughter. Hurt like hell, especially on tee shots."

Woods somehow manages to laugh with Rocco Mediate after the 2008 U.S. Open, despite a broken arm, a damaged pelvis, a Charley Horse, an asleep foot, internal bleeding, severe headaches, blunt force trauma, and a kidney stone

Woods continued, looking around, not making eye contact with reporters as he listed off his physical problems.

"I was in a minor traffic accident the day before the Pro-Am and messed up my pelvis pretty bad," Woods added. "Then, sometime during the second round, a fan's umbrella jabbed me in the side, and that evening I had some pain. Turns out I had internal bleeding."

Woods wasn't done. He added severe headaches, blunt force trauma to his left shoulder, a "pretty bad" Charley Horse, and said his right foot "fell asleep" while waiting to tee off at no. 16 during the fourth round. "That was worse than you think," Woods said.

Woods said that, given his maladies, that it was "a no-brainer" to skip the rest of the season with knee surgery.

"Gives me time to recover from everything else. Kill nine birds with one stone."

With that remark, Woods added a kidney stone to the list, saying, "I almost forgot!"

No One In Yankees Organization Has Heart To Tell George Steinbrenner That Tampa Bay Rays Have Better Record

2008-06-23T11:39:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (Jun 23) - New York Yankees principal owner George Steinbrenner, in seclusion due to poor health, has been mercifully withheld from the news that the Tampa Bay Rays have a better record and are in second place behind the Boston Red Sox.

"We just don't see the point" in bothering Steinbrenner, 77, with the troubling scenario, said Mary Steinbrenner, one of George's nieces. "It would only...make things worse."

The elder Steinbrenner has left the day-to-day running of the team mostly to son Hank.

The Rays are currently 44-31, 1 1/2 games behind the Red Sox. The Yankees are 41-35, five games out. And three-and-a-half games behind the usually poor Rays -- which is unheard of in late June.

Aides to the patriarch Steinbrenner say that he is shown sports pages from the early-2000s, and is told that the team has reacquired such former stars as Paul O'Neill, Bernie Williams, and Tino Martinez -- or that they've been coaxed out of retirement.

"Sometimes we just run videotaped highlights from 2001," Mary Steinbrenner said, "and tell my uncle that they're from last night or something."

But the biggest secret the family and aides are keeping from the elder Steinbrenner is the fact that usually terrible Tampa Bay has risen to second place, ahead of the history-rich Yankees.

"That would be the killer blow," one aide said. "It might just shove the old coot over the edge," he added on condition of anonymity.

The move to shield Steinbrenner from the Tampa Bay news had old-timers recalling other similar moments, like the Kennedy family withholding news of John's death from father Joe in 1963, and elderly Vancouver Canucks owner Seymour Knox not being shown the team's new gold and black and brown uniforms in 1979.

Longtime Stalker Of Minor League Players Losing Hope That He'll Get Called Up To "The Show"

2008-06-18T12:18:00.003-04:00

Portland, OR. (Jun 17) - For veteran baseball player stalker Vernon Harrison, time is running out -- on his dream, on his goals.

"It's not easy to see everything you've hoped to attain crumble away," he says with a sigh.

Harrison, 57, has been stalking ballplayers since the early-1980s, but has never risen above stalking players at the AAA level. And he fears he may never get that opportunity.

"You beat around the bushes for as long as I have, and you see others move to the next level, it's hard NOT to think, 'That should be me,' " Harrison says as he focuses his powerful binoculars on Portland Beavers center fielder Les Gorensen during the sixth inning of a recent game. The observing of Gorensen, and the subsequent moving down to a closer seat when he takes his position in the on deck circle so a "decent" photo of the player can be snapped, is all prelude to the following home of Gorensen after the game, which will be accompanied by the placement of a twisted wreath of baseball memorabilia and obsessive rants on Gorensen's doorstep.

But Harrison feels "tapped out" when it comes to stalking minor league players.

Veteran baseball player stalker Vernon Harrison

"I'd love to send chilling notes to Ryan Howard or Chipper Jones thru an unsuspecting clubhouse attendant," Harrison says of his aspirations to stalk big league players. "But I might have to accept the fact that it's just not in the cards.

"It's mainly who you know, not WHAT you know," a bitter Harrison added.

According to the latest research, stalkers of athletes is at an all-time high, and that means the pie gets cut into that many more slices. Which means veterans like Harrison get edged out by younger, "luckier" stalkers.

"The dudes who could be my son -- those are the ones they like now," Harrison said, referring to the ASS -- Athletes Stalkers Society -- which determines which minor league stalkers will be granted home addresses, phone numbers, and contacts of big league personnel who can be compromised in order to better stalk prey. Harrison is a cautionary tale -- the one of the has-been stalker who never got the call-up -- and there are others like him.

"Vernon Harrison's story is, unfortunately, not an isolated one," said ASS director Charles Palmer. "It's all about timing. And, frankly, time is running out on the Vernon Harrisons of the world. It's a shame, because Vernon really is a good stalker. He did quite a number last year on Perry Simmons of the Southern League's Montgomery Bears -- even drawing a restraining order in the process, and getting physically removed from the players-only parking lot on one occasion. But he's 57. All the MLB stalking jobs are going to men half his age.

"It's a shame, but it's the harsh reality," Palmer added.

Harrison, though, isn't going to just "mail it in" while he continues to work the minor league circuit.

"Look," he says, displaying Gorensen's girlfriend's photo. "She's gonna get a dead rat in the mail.

"I'm still giving it 100%. Maybe that call will come, after all."

Randolph: Take This Job & Shove It -- MAYBE

2008-06-16T11:36:00.004-04:00

New York, NY (Jun 16) - Embattled New York Mets manager Willie Randolph stormed into the office of General Manager Oscar Minaya yesterday and told his boss what he could do with his job -- only to rescind moments later.

"I won't be left twisting in the wind anymore!" Randolph yelled to Minaya, according to sources who put their ears against the door. Then, moments later, Randolph added, "I mean, unless that's for the good of the team."

Then, seconds after that, Randolph flip-flopped again.

"You wanna fire me? FIRE ME! I don't give a s***!"

But then he quickly added, "I mean, I GIVE a s***, I just don't...I'm tired of...look, just...how about if I just go now?"

A visibly confused Mets manager Willie Randolph, shown minutes after his almost-tirade in GM Oscar Minaya's office

Randolph then emerged from Minaya's office as the sources yanked themselves away from the door abruptly and pretended to engage in other Mets business.

Randolph's future with the Mets has been in question all season as the team has languished below .500, after being predicted to be a World Series contender. Speculation over Randolph's job status is beginning to take its toll, as yesterday's combination outburst/about face indicates.

"This situation has gone on long enough," Randolph told reporters gathered outside Minaya's office. "I can't manage this way. I mean, I probably CAN manage this way if the situation DOESN'T change, but I'd rather it change, because I'd prefer NOT to manage this way.

"You know, if circumstances warrant that. I guess what I'm saying is, all things being equal, I'd PREFER not to manage this way," Randolph added to his meandering comments.

Minaya utilized his office's trap door to slide down an underground tunnel, which carries him directly into the driver's seat of his car at speeds of over 25 mph. He was thus unavailable for comment, as the trap door had just swung shut when reporters entered his office.

Hulk Vows He Will Smash If Celtics Don't Win NBA Finals

2008-06-12T09:13:00.003-04:00

Los Angeles, CA. (Jun 12) - The Incredible Hulk, flanked by throngs of Boston Celtics fans and supporters decked in green, issued an ominous threat to NBA officials and anyone else who would be unfortunate enough to get in his way if the Celtics didn't emerge as league champions.

"Celtics..must...win..whole thing," Hulk said in his familiar halting, Neanderthal-like tone. "If Celtics no win, it make Hulk want to SMASH," he added, pounding his powerful fist, driven by his 224-inch biceps, onto the top of a nearby UPS truck, collapsing the vehicle instantly.

Longtime Hulk observers said that this is the first time the genetically-modified creature, whose legal name is Bruce Banner, has ever openly thrown his support to any professional sports team.

"Clearly, it's the whole green thing," said Celtics fan Rodney Banner (no relation). "Everyone knows about the Hulk's affinity for green. So it makes sense."

The Incredible Hulk makes his way to the podium prior to his impromptu meeting with reporters yesterday outside the Staples Center

Sources say the Hulk became enthralled with the Celtics after a late-season game against the Philadelphia 76ers in Boston -- a game that was halted for nearly 30 minutes due to a rampage by the Hulk during the third quarter in the arena.

"Banner was at the game, and became enraged at beer prices," confirmed the source. "Before friends could escort him out of the arena and out of harm's way, he transformed," the source said, referring to Banner's unique trait of turning into the 35-foot tall, menacing green monster whenever he becomes very angry. It was during this incident, the source said, that the Hulk noticed all the green being worn in the crowd.

"From then on, he's been behind the Celtics," the source added.

Bruce Banner, aware of the Hulk's like of the Celtics, regularly watches games, in case a well-timed transformation occurs -- hoping that the sight of the Celtics on TV might calm the beast.

In addition to his warning remarks yesterday outside the Staples Center, the Hulk said, "Kevin Garnett...he a brute that cannot...WILL NOT...be stopped. No can stop Garnett...no can stop Paul Pierce...," he said before emitting a spontaneous loud roar. Then he added, "Lakers better not THINK of winning O'Brien Trophy...that make Hulk VERY mad!"

At that point, the Hulk kicked over a small TV production truck and ran away at speeds estimated at being over 100 m.p.h.

Cubs Fans: No, Really -- What Have You Done With Our Team?

2008-06-09T12:03:00.003-04:00

Chicago, IL. (Jun. 9) - Long-suffering fans of the Chicago Cubs have indicated that they're tired of this little practical joke that's being played out and would like to know -- SERIOUSLY -- what has happened to their team.

"OK, it was cute for awhile, but this has gone on long enough," said fan Jeremy Spachtel, 36, of Evanston, Ill. yesterday. Spachtel spoke tiredly of the 2008 Cubs and their NL-leading record of 40-24. "It's like, we get it -- ha-ha, wouldn't it be funny if the Cubs led the league -- but enough, already! Let's just bring our real team back and get back to normal."

Spachtel is just one of a growing number of Cubs faithful who are weary of the season-long joke being played on them and their emotions.

Cubs fans want a return to normalcy as soon as possible, as depicted here

"This is getting really repetitive and monotonous, all this winning," said Richard Gruber, a Cubs fan since "the Ernie Banks days" who's been waiting for the revelation of the joke's source and punch line since "early-May." Gruber said that he, like a lot of Cubs fans who've rooted for the team through decades of losing baseball, doesn't particularly care for the joke.

"It's like when they pretend some ugly girl is pretty and they make a big deal over how 'beautiful' she is, when it's so obvious that she isn't. I mean, after awhile doesn't that just make fun of the ugly girl? I think so. So all this winning Cubs baseball -- it's only making cruel fun of our suffering," Gruber added.

The Cubs, led by manager Lou Piniella, have combined clutch hitting, good defense, and decent pitching along with a confident attitude to leapfrog over everyone in the National League. And their supporters say enough is enough.

"Who are they kidding?" asked celebrity fan and actor Bill Murray. "I'm in the comedy business and I know that the cardinal sin of comedy is drawing a joke out too long. This is a classic example. Bring back our lovable, bumbling Cubs!" Murray said at an impromptu gathering outside Wrigley Field, flanked by fellow actors Jim Belushi and George Wendt.

Cubs spokesman Jim Gerrity said that the current edition of the team is "genuine" and that "no joke is being played out -- honest."

But Gruber isn't convinced. "Look, the fact that they came out with that statement is, in of itself, a joke. Now they're just f***ing with us."

Perhaps Spachtel said it best.

"It's just not funny anymore. Period."

WNBA Allowed To Play Another Season As Long As They "Clean Up After Themselves"

2008-06-02T12:14:00.002-04:00

New York, NY. (Jun. 2) - The National Basketball Association has apparently allowed the womens version, aka the WNBA, to play its 11th season -- as long as it "cleans up after itself and promises to put everything back the way they found it", according to NBA management.

"Look, it's only fair," said NBA spokesman Larry Lariviere as he announced that the WNBA has, indeed, begun another season. "All that we require is that if the WNBA is going to use NBA arenas, that they pick up after themselves. Is that too much to ask?"

Plastic signs with "Your mother doesn't work here" and "I'm not your maid", with the NBA logo on them, have begun to appear in WNBA locker rooms.

Just Saturday, New York Liberty coach Pat Coyle was scolded for "all this tape!" and "how many times have I told you where the basketballs go?" after a team practice, by NBA Director of Building Operations Charles Pugh.

"He (Pugh) was pretty pissed," Coyle admitted of his dressing down. "I thought the tape had been thrown out, but I think Ashley Battle missed the trash can," Coyle sighed.

The NBA has apparently told the WNBA that, in 2008, it will take a "zero tolerance" approach when it comes to building maintenance.

"If we've told them once, we've told them a thousand times: when you're done with the Gatorade jugs, dump them down the drain in the utility room. I mean, HELLO?," added Lariviere. "And if I hear of one more rolled up program wedged between seats I'm going to scream."

Other edicts include making sure the lights get turned off, no car left in the parking lots overnight, and putting the dry erase markers in their proper places.

"Simple stuff," said Lariviere. "It's nothing more than we'd ask of ourselves."

The WNBA will be re-evaluated in about a month, at which time, Lariviere said, it will be determined if the womens league is "taking all this seriously, like their big brother does."

Until then, the games will continue -- as long as that one storage closet doesn't get left open for the "billionth" time.

Report: Hollywood Celebrities Have Never Watched More Than 5 Minutes Of Any G**damned NBA Game They Get Dragged To

2008-05-30T11:54:00.005-04:00

Los Angeles, CA. (May 30) - Nearing the peak of the NBA season, a report has been released which reveals that the Hollywood actors and actresses that are seen at NBA games watch "less than five minutes" and are mainly there to be photographed and seen on TV.

"I can't say that I'm shocked," said NBA public relations spokesperson Mandy Crittendon. "This report, while disappointing, kind of confirms our suspicions."

The report, commissioned by the NBA and done by CelebTrak, a Los Angeles-based research group that specializes in what celebrities do in their free time, says that only actors Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman actually watch the games. The others watch an average of 4 minutes and 44 seconds of actual game action.

"The breakdown of the 48-minute NBA game for these celebrities is this: 4:44 watching the game, 21:07 turning to their left or right and speaking into the ear of the person next to them, :10 spent looking up at the scoreboard to see their image on the screen, and the remaining 21:59 is spent in a limousine commuting to the game or carousing in the parking lot," said CelebTrak chief Gordon Sankauer. "We're sorry to report this, but this is the result of three years of hard work."

Sankauer said that Nicholson and Hoffman, longtime fans of the Los Angeles Lakers and New York Knicks, respectively, spend an average of 44:13 watching the game -- easily by far the most of any celebrity. In fact, Sankauer said, Nicholson even coaches some of the game for the Lakers while Phil Jackson meditates.

Lakers fan and sometimes-coach Jack Nicholson tells Derek Fisher to shoot during Thursday's Game 5 against the Spurs

Nicholson was, as usual, in attendance during Thursday's Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals as the Lakers tussled with the San Antonio Spurs, coaching the last two minutes of the first quarter and about three minutes midway thru the third quarter.

"Jack's a player's coach," said Lakers star Kobe Bryant. "He just lets us do our thing. He says he prefers not to be over-directed as an actor, so why should he over-coach?"

Nicholson did, however, indicate that he wanted a time out last night, which Bryant called -- pretending that it had been asked for by Jackson, in the interest of "not making a big deal out of anything so we don't have to deal with it right now."

Some celebrities, like actress Cameron Diaz -- who was at last night's Lakers game -- confessed to "not even knowing who was playing" and openly wondering "how long do we have to stay?" and "can we pleeeease leave now?"

Momentum Tired Of Being Fought Over, Spoken For

2008-05-23T11:32:00.003-04:00

Los Angeles, CA. (May 23) - Making a rare public appearance, Momentum emerged near the Staples Center to air some beefs with surprised reporters yesterday.

"I'm tired of athletes speaking for me," a visibly agitated Momentum said. The impelling force, constantly fought over by sports teams, has had enough. "Everyone says they 'have' me or that I've 'swung' in their direction. How do they know? Really -- how the hell do they KNOW?"

Momentum also chided the TV and radio announcers.

"They may be the worst, actually," Momentum said, decked out in its geophysical form. "Who's got the momentum? Oh, better not lose the momentum! Oh, that call could have changed the momentum! God, they're such bleating asses!"

Momentum (above) appears unannounced to decry treatment of itself

The infinitesimal change in a varying quantity; an increment or decrement, added that he has no idea how the infatuation with his whereabouts and direction got started.

"But it's got to stop," he said. "I'm living in a fish bowl here, and I'm tired of it."

Momentum did add, however, that he's never been associated with the Los Angeles Clippers, Detroit Lions, or the Italian Army -- and rejects any hints to the contrary as being "offensive."

Town Hall Meetings To Decide Tense Hockey Race

2008-05-21T16:13:00.003-04:00

Detroit, MI. (May 21) - This blue-collar midwestern city will soon be the focal point of a convention of ice hockey enthusiasts who will converge to help decide the championship of the National Hockey League (NHL) via a series of Town Hall meetings.

Delegates representing the Western Conference of the NHL have begun arriving, ostensibly to throw their support behind the Detroit Red Wings, assuming they vote along conference lines. Delegates representing the Eastern Conference, expected here tomorrow, are expected to back the hockey club from Pittsburgh, named the Penguins. But as it goes with conventions of this type, nothing is certain.

"I've seen these things tilt the opposite way that you think," said western delegate Sam Robbins of Aurora, OH, who says he's leaning toward the Red Wings. "But who knows? Maybe something will happen during these meetings to change my mind, and the minds of others."

Delegate Sam Robbins, with the stage of Saturday's town hall meeting in the background

Beginning Saturday evening at 8:00, delegates will be in attendance as personnel from the Red Wings and Penguins take the stage in the city's historic Joe Louis Arena to engage in a lively discussion about why their team should be crowned as champion and thus presented with the Stanley Cup, the symbol of NHL supremacy. Meeting 2 is set for Monday night at the arena in Detroit, with the scene shifting to Pittsburgh for Meeting 3 next Wednesday. The cities are sharing in the hosting of the town hall meetings in the interest of fairness. Analysts predict that it may take as many as seven meetings to declare a winner.

"But if renegade attempts are made to crash the meetings, as has been rumored, by a contingent from Philadelphia and another from Dallas, then all bets are off," Robbins said. The teams from those two cities are recognized by their supporters as being worthy championship candidates as well, though it's doubtful whether they'll be seated in the meetings.

The town hall meetings will be moderated by NBC's Tim Russert and Mike Emrick, along with longtime hockey essayist Barry Melrose.

"It'll be our jobs to make sure the teams answer the hard questions that hockey observers want answered," said Russert, who's said to be "boning up on" such issues as which team has more secondary scoring and better penalty killers.

Penguins up-and-coming leader Sidney Crosby has been attracting the young vote, while such Red Wings veterans as Chris Chelios and Kris Draper appeal to an older, more conservative sector. Melrose can't wait.

"This is the matchup all the hockey pundits wanted to see," Melrose said in a conference call attended by three other people. "Some say it would be best if the Red Wings and Penguins joined forces to form a 'dream team,' but I don't think either team would be satisfied with second banana status," Melrose added. "I say let them fight it out at the meetings."

Attendance will be ensured with promises of free food and drink by way of vouchers handed out at street corners, fast food restaurants, and your daughter's school.

Tampa Bay Rays F**king Everything Up

2008-05-19T10:20:00.004-04:00

Tampa, FL. (May 19) - Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon held an informal press conference before yesterday's game to apologize to the baseball world -- especially the fans in Boston and New York -- for his team, in his words, "f**king everything up" in the standings.

"I really don't have any excuses," Maddon said before the Rays' game in St. Louis. "I never would have dreamed this would happen -- mostly mistake-free baseball filled with timely hitting and decent pitching. At least not for this long of a stretch, anyway."

The Rays, who've never come close to a winning season in their 11-year existence, are 25-19 and are only one game behind Boston in the AL East Division.

But Maddon's players were quick to come to their manager's defense.

"Hey, we lose as a team and we win as a team," said pitcher James Shields, who is REALLY f**king everything up with his terrific starts. "You can't point the finger at Joe. He's not the one moving runners from first to third or getting a big strikeout to end an opponent's rally. I know it's easy to blame one man rather than 25, but fair is fair. I mean, look at me. I didn't go out there in my last start trying to throw a one-hit shutout. But stuff happens, you know?"

Maddon said he "has run out of things to say" to the media about the Rays' start, which is completely turning the division and, by extension, the entire league upside down.

"Well, that's just great," said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon when told of Maddon's remarks. "He has no clue? He can't give us even a HINT of what the hell is going on down there? Terrific."

Maddon said that he would address his team before its next game.

"Obviously we need a little wake-up call," Maddon said about his team's tardiness in playing mediocre, Tampa-like baseball. "Maybe a meeting will do the trick. Tell the folks in Boston and New York to just bear with me here."

"KG Got To Win On Road," Garnett Says

2008-05-16T17:26:00.003-04:00

Cleveland, OH. (May 16) - Boston Celtics star hulk, Kevin Garnett, is in a life-or-death struggle with winning a playoff game on the road, sources say.

"Got to...win...on...road," Garnett said with a grimace after practice yesterday as he strained to bust out of the chains that team personnel had placed him in, in order to bottle up his energy. "KG got to win on road," he said, a faraway look in his eyes, the pupils of which were dilated.

Garnett was carried by six beefy security guards off the court and placed in his bonds, which included ankle irons and chains connecting his ankles to his wrists. After bucking violently for several minutes, Garnett was then given an injection, which calmed him.

The Celtics are 7-0 at home and 0-5 on the road going into tonight's Game 6 against Cleveland in the Eastern Conference semi-finals.

Garnett, moments before being placed in restraints and under 24/7 guard

Garnett, acquired last summer from Minnesota in order to bring the Celtics back to championship status, teamed with Ray Allen and Paul Pierce to lead Boston to the NBA's best record this season. But the playoffs have been a different story.

So the decision was made after Game 5's Celtics win to keep Garnett in constant restraint until game time in Cleveland. He's watched 24/7, and is fed intravenously.

"Losing on road make KG want to SMASH!," Garnett said during one of his few moments of consciousness.

Celtics coach Doc Rivers would only say, "In the playoffs, everyone's a little more uptight. KG will be fine. I'm confident that he'll emerge from his restraints a much more focused, better player for us on the road."

At press time, Garnett was drifting in and out of consciousness and banging his head against the wooden board that he's been strapped to.

"KG want to HURT LeBron. Win on road must be happen for KG and Celtics," he said over and over.

MLB To Change "Ejected" To "Coxed"

2008-05-14T11:14:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (May 14) - In an effort to properly recognize Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox and his status as the most-ejected manager in major league history, baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that, effective immediately, the term "being ejected" will now be referred to as "getting Coxed."

"It's the least we can do," Selig said at a press conference yesterday. "Bobby Cox is one of the biggest whiners and bitchers in baseball history, and this office feels we need to acknowledge that.

"So, effective immediately, I've asked all Major League personnel -- from umpires to broadcasters to our night watchman -- to refer to the act of a manager or player being asked to leave a game as 'getting or being Coxed'," Selig said.

Cox gets Coxed recently

Cox, who's been Coxed from nearly 150 games in his career, became emotional as he discussed the honor prior to last night's Braves game.

"It really took me by surprise," Cox said in the dugout. "I mean, to know that all of my crybaby antics and tantrums are now being etched into baseball history in this manner ...," Cox added before getting choked up.

Umpire Doug Eddings, who's Coxed Cox five times in his career, said, "It's a fine and appropriate tribute to one of the game's biggest assholes. Good for him."

Cox, in the third inning, thanked Eddings for his comments as he argued a close play at first base, before telling the arbiter to "Go f*** himself." Cox was promptly Coxed shortly thereafter.

Doctor: Carl Pavano Likely Needs To Be Destroyed

2008-05-12T13:04:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (May 12) - A visibly shaken team doctor for the New York Yankees says that often-injured pitcher Carl Pavano will "likely" need to be destroyed, thus ending, in tragic manner, the righthander's career.

Pavano, 32, who signed a huge free agent contract with the Yankees in 2005 after some good seasons in Florida, hasn't been completely healthy since arriving in New York, always with arm trouble of some sort. And his elbow has worsened -- apparently to the point of no return.

"I really don't see much hope," said Yankees team physician Dr. James Meadows after Pavano's latest setback, in which x-rays and an MRI revealed that Pavano's right elbow is "virtually gone" -- the only remnants being a "few small bones and half a ligament."

.

"Even his 'funny bone' is gone," Dr. Meadows said with a sigh.

Meadows said his recommendation is that Pavano be "put out of our -- I mean, HIS -- misery and destroyed." Meadows cited a major league pitcher's inability to keep from using a bad elbow for the reasoning behind the recommended euthanasia.

"We really can't expect him to keep his elbow inactive for the 12-16 week period necessary for rehab," Meadows told reporters, his voice hushed and his eyes moist. "Pitchers like Carl are very prone to want to move around and use the elbow, for things like eating, putting on clothes -- things of that nature. Euthanasia is really the only alternative."

Pavano only pitched in two games in 2007 after missing all of 2006. He has been trying to get healthy enough to pitch this season, but hasn't been able to throw pain-free in nearly three years.

"We regret Dr. Meadows's conclusion, but we respect it," said acting Yankees managing partner Hank Steinbrenner. "Our condolences go to Carl's family and all those who enjoyed watching him pitch."

Steinbrenner added that Pavano will be buried beneath the infield of the team's new stadium, set to open in 2009.

Local Man Still Trying To Think Of That One Player's Name

2008-05-09T11:29:00.003-04:00

Scottsdale, AZ. (May 9) - Local baseball fan Charles Lucas still hasn't thought of the name of that player he was referring to in a recent story he was relating to friends, according to reports.

"God, it's on the tip of my tongue!," Lucas cried in despair as he was forced to halt the telling of the anecdote in front of several friends at a birthday party last Sunday. Lucas, friends say, was in the middle of telling a story about a game he went to once as a teen between the Oakland A's and Milwaukee Brewers -- a game in which this one player (the one Lucas can't think of, dammit!) made an incredible catch, only to forget how many outs there were, allowing runs to score anyway.

"He (Lucas) was really sucking us into this story," said friend Bob Huffmeyer, who was present when Lucas launched into the anecdote, which started with Lucas saying, "That reminds me of this game I went to when I was in eighth grade." Then, anxiety struck as Lucas couldn't think of the player's name. "At first we thought he was just going to tell the story anyway, you know, finish it," Huffmeyer said. "But every time he started to continue, he'd go right back to trying to remember the player's name. It got to be very distracting."

Lucas, in a photo taken at the fateful party last Sunday, trying to think of that player's name

Eventually, according to Huffmeyer, the friends began dispersing -- leaving to refill beer cups or grab another plate of nachos. Only a couple returned, and when they saw that Lucas was still agonizing over not recalling the player's name, they too wandered off, leaving Lucas to stew.

"I felt sorry for him, but I was like, 'Dude, it's no big deal; just tell us what freaking happened'," said another friend, Lance Moore. "I was kinda pissed, to be honest. He got us all interested and then he freaks out when he can't remember the guy's name. Who cares? It's what happened that counts, isn't it?"

As of late last night, according to sources, Lucas had yet to remember the player's name, despite opting for such devices as putting it out of his mind for awhile, hoping that it would come to him "out of the blue"; going through the alphabet, hoping that a certain letter would jar his memory; and even purchasing (for $49.95) a Baseball Encyclopedia, and perusing rosters for the A's and Brewers in 1981, when Lucas was "pretty sure" the game occurred. The encyclopedia purchase has helped, sources say; Lucas is "almost positive" that the player is either Brewers OF Ben Oglivie, Gorman Thomas, or Thad Bosley. Lucas "thinks" he can eliminate Thomas because he's "got a feeling" that the player was black; Thomas is white.

Lucas says that if he can't think of the player's name by the weekend, then he will "kill myself; just absolutely kill myself. Damn, why can't I think of it?!"

Larry Brown Already Bored With Bobcats Job

2008-05-07T15:14:00.005-04:00

Has inquired into Spurs coaching vacancy, even though there isn't one

Charlotte, NC. (May 7) - Mercurial basketball coach Larry Brown, hired less than two weeks ago by the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats, is already "bored" with the job and has asked about a similar role with the San Antonio Spurs.

"It would be great to get back to San Antonio -- a place where I had some of the best years of my life," Brown said in a prepared statement -- although the words "San Antonio" had been typed in over a whited out space, where "Indiana" and "Detroit" had once been typed and erased. Brown coached the Spurs in the late-1980s, early-1990s.

Brown says the Spurs' 0-2 hole in their playoff series with the New Orleans Hornets gave him pause.

Brown is ready to move on -- again

"It may be time to make a move there," Brown said in the statement. "(Spurs coach) Gregg Popovich is a good friend of mine, but this is a results-oriented business. If they (the Spurs) would like to talk to me, I'm willing to listen," Brown added, saying that he could "be in San Antonio in three hours" if given the job in time for Game 3 of the series.

Brown also addressed his new job with the Bobcats.

"Coming back to North Carolina, where I also had some more of the best years of my life, hasn't been as fulfilling as I would have hoped," the statement said. Brown played at the University of North Carolina. "Maybe it's time for the Bobcats and me to part ways -- to be fair to them as well as to me."

Sources say Brown "simply thinks the team isn't any good", and that the chance to coach a title contender like the Spurs would be "too good to pass up."

When reminded that the Spurs job is not open, one source said, "That's because Larry Brown wasn't a candidate. Let's see what happens now, once the Spurs see Larry's available to them."

Popovich is expected to coach the Spurs in their Game 3 matchup with the Hornets on Thursday, despite Brown's interest in the job.

Families Of Four Call For Cap On Costs Of Going To A Game

2008-05-05T12:34:00.004-04:00

Washington, D.C. (May 5) - The nation's Families of Four held a press conference and a rally in the capital yesterday, calling for governmental controls over the "cost of going to a game."

"As you know, a Family of Four is one of this country's most precious, time-honored institutions," said Larry Millbrew, a 44-year-old husband and father of two girls. "And today, the Family of Four is under siege; the costs of going to a game are simply outrageous and Congress MUST step in," Millbrew said as he spoke in front of Washington's new baseball stadium, Nationals Park.

Approximately 4,000 Families of Four marched down Pennsylvania Avenue before boarding charter buses, which took them to Nationals Park. Families of Four of every color, income class, and religion participated, according to Millbrew, who helped organize the event. Those Families of Four with small children were provided with special, motorized strollers.

According to the latest research from Dynamic Marketing, which specializes in the costs of various events for Families of Four, the average baseball game costs a Family of Four approximately $275. This figure includes tickets, parking, soft drinks, hot dogs, a game program, and "some stupid souvenir of some sort that your kids are sure to bug you about as you walk out of the stadium." This dollar amount is up from $269, the average from 2007 -- an increase of over two percent.

Larry Millbrew and his Family of Four pose in a recent photo

"I'm the head of a typical Family of Four," Millbrew said, "and I'm doing all I can to help my family cut costs. To think that I might have to settle for one hot dog and that my daughter, Regina, might have to do without food at all so I can afford a freaking beer is simply unacceptable."

Others at the protest echoed Millbrew's sentiment.

"First, you have to buy your kids some stupid ass s**t," said 38-year-old engineer Frank Craft. "You know that, right off the bat. And they're gonna want to stuff their face with food. You know that, too. Last year I had to spring for a $5 G**-damn ice cream novelty thing, which nearly cut into my bratwurst budget. It's out of control."

Analysts say Families of Four are used as the nation's barometer for how much things cost because "it sounds good. Rolls off the tongue," says Dr. Allan Kurtzenbaum, who works for Dynamic Marketing. "Family of Three seems too small. And Family of Five is just plain odd-sounding," he explained.

Other Families of Four who turned out for the protest made thinly-veiled threats.

"There are other things we can spend our hard-earned money on," said homemaker Vera Vasquez. "Like going to the movies."

When told of how much it costs a Family of Four to attend a movie, including $15 for a bucket of popcorn and a medium soda, Vasquez vomited.

"God, we're screwed," she then said.

Yankees' Girardi Feels "Left Out" That No Real Speculation About His Job Security Has Started Yet

2008-05-02T15:34:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (May 2) - Despite a sluggish start and being swept at home by the also slow-starting Detroit Tigers, New York Yankees first-year manager Joe Girardi's job security has yet to be aggressively discussed, a development that has Girardi feeling "left out," according to friends.

"Everyone knows that you're not TRULY a Yankees manager until you've had your job threatened by radio show callers and sports columnists," said Anthony Pellagrino, a close friend of Girardi's since childhood. "And that hasn't really happened yet, and Joe can't understand why."

Girardi, hired last fall to replace longtime skipper Joe Torre, who resigned under pressure, is puzzled why a 14-16 start and the inability to consistently beat crappy teams like Tampa Bay and Baltimore hasn't made him a lightning rod yet.

During a recent loss, Yankees manager Joe Girardi desperately looks toward the Steinbrenner suite for any signs of disgust

"The other day, he was like, 'What does a guy have to do around here to be a whipping boy?'," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "I think he would wear his job being threatened as a badge of honor," Jeter added. "And, sadly, the media and fans seem to be patient with Joe, which hurts him."

Girardi reportedly was looking forward to the maelstrom and media circus that a slow start would put him in the center of, but he's complained to friends that "Torre was never treated this well" in the past several years. The Yankees haven't won a World Series since 2000.

"The thing about Joe is, he's at his best when you tell him he can't do something," Pellagrino said. "And it bothers him that nobody has really started to tell him that yet. He's getting restless, I can tell you that."

Girardi was the 2006 NL Manager of the Year with Florida, but fell out of favor with management and was fired anyway -- a situation that whetted his appetite for the perils of managing in New York.

"He was proud of being fired in Florida, because he did things his way," Pellagrino said. "So when he took the Yankees job, he told me, 'Just wait till you see how much abuse I can take.' "

But media and fan outcries for Girardi's head have been few and far between.

"He's bitterly disappointed," Pellagrino said. "He thought Yankees fans and the media were tougher and more callous than this.

"He's disillusioned."

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner's son, Hank, who's been taking a more active role in running the ballclub, has offered Girardi nothing but encouragement, according to sources.

"Joe now feels like he was sold a bill of goods," Pellagrino said.

"ESPN The Magazine" To Launch "ESPN The Network" In 2009

2008-04-30T13:41:00.006-04:00

Bristol, CT. (Apr. 30) - Citing enthusiastic reader and online response, ESPN The Magazine announced today that it plans to launch ESPN The Network in early 2009.

"This is in direct response to what our readers have been clamoring for," said ESPN The Magazine spokesman Barry Watkins at a press conference this morning. "So beginning in 2009, ESPN The Magazine will proudly launch ESPN The Network, for those fans who have an unsatiable appetite for the sports coverage we provide at ESPN The Magazine -- both the print and online versions."

Watkins said that ESPN The Network will offer readers the same in-depth, provocative look at the world of sports that ESPN The Magazine provides, but on television instead of in ink.

Popular ESPN The Magazine and online writers like Bill Simmons will appear on ESPN The Network; Simmons' segment will be called "ESPN The Magazine's Online's Bill Simmons The Podcast The Network"

"Imagine a world where you can turn on the television and see the ESPN The Magazine logo on the screen and know that you're about to be treated to a moving video version of sports coverage," Watkins said. "And I can assure you that we'll leave no stone unturned when it comes to covering the sports we address in our magazine. Even hockey."

Watkins added that ESPN The Network will feature many of the same writers whose words appear in ESPN The Magazine, except that "now, you'll be able to HEAR these words, instead of just reading them," Watkins said. "I have chills just talking about it."

ESPN The Magazine, spawned by the success of ESPN, a sports-only cable network, promises that ESPN The Network will "in no way, shape, or form compromise its quality just because we're now doing a TV network," according to Watkins.

ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, and ESPN U are all considering launching magazines as well. They would be known, respectively and not surprisingly, as ESPN 2 The Magazine, ESPN Classic The Magazine, and ESPN U The Magazine.

Also announced was the change of ESPN anchor Chris Berman's name to Chris The ESPN The Anchor.

Donnie Walsh Politely Rejects Isiah Thomas's Request To Act As A Reference

2008-04-28T11:56:00.002-04:00

New York, NY. (Apr. 28) - Just days after being asked not to talk to New York Knicks players for fear of having a bad influence on their feelings about the next coach, former coach and current employee Isiah Thomas was dealt another blow over the weekend.

Thomas was denied the use of current boss and front office veteran Donnie Walsh as a reference for any future job searches, sources say.

"I'd really rather you didn't," witnesses say Walsh politely told Thomas when asked if Isiah could use the new Knicks executive as a professional reference. "OK?"

To solidify his position on the matter, Walsh then changed his mobile phone number and didn't give Thomas the new number.

"I still think Isiah can be a productive contributor to the Knicks," Walsh said in a statement to answer the reference rumors. "What that may be, I have no idea at this time. I'm sure there's something around here he can do." Then, addressing the reference issue head on, Walsh's statement said, "Isiah is free to use whomever he wants as a reference, of course. But some references might not be too happy about it. I might be one of them, but I'm not confirming that."

Thomas, who lost his job as team president when the Knicks hired Walsh, then lost his coaching job after the season ended, has been hanging around Madison Square Garden, waiting for Walsh to give him something to do, according to the sources.

"They pass each other in the hall, and it's so uncomfortable," one Knicks employee said. "Isiah kind of nods his head, and Walsh pretends he dropped something and looks toward the floor. The other day they both ended up in the men's room, and Walsh left before washing his hands. At least I hope he usually washes his hands."

Thomas, according to friends, will abide by Walsh's wishes, and will instead use Knicks Chairman James Dolan as a reference. At press time, it was unclear if Dolan has been informed of Thomas's intentions, or if Thomas plans on disclosing the move to Dolan.

The Orlando Magic and Toronto Raptors Apparently Playing Each Other in the Playoffs

2008-04-25T13:52:00.002-04:00

Toronto, ON. (Apr. 25) - Rumors continue to persist in this Canadian city that the National Basketball Association entry from Toronto, nicknamed the Raptors, are engaging in some sort of a post-season tournament against their counterpart from the southern Florida city of Orlando -- whose team is nicknamed the Magic.

"That's what I keep hearing," said Toronto resident Mitch Basham, who was among a small gathering of curious people who were congregating outside the Air Canada Centre, as word spread that the Raptors, who play at the Centre, might indeed be participating in the NBA playoffs. "I mean, I was having lunch in the park and I overheard a bunch of people talking about the Raptors and Magic. So naturally I thought there was some kind of cool magic show with reptiles going on," Basham added. "But then I find out it's basketball. Is this true?"

League officials wouldn't confirm nor deny the rumors.

"The Raptors, like every one of our franchises, is a valued member of the NBA," a statement from the NBA read. "Confirmation of the teams participating in this year's playoffs was distributed last week. I urge you to consult that document."

According to sources close to the NBA, the Magic and Raptors had already played two games in Florida before traveling north to continue their alleged series of games in Canada. The sources indicated that the Orlando team won both games in the States, and that the Raptors turned the tables last night in Toronto. Other sources say that the Raptors are NOT, in fact, in the playoffs, and that the rumors to the contrary are "baseless."

Basham said that an "obnoxious, big guy" wearing a Raptors jersey breezed by him outside the Air Canada Centre, yelling, "Raptors Rule!" -- and that the man yelled something indistinguishable when Basham asked him what he meant by that.

"Could that be confirmation of this thing with that Orlando team?," Basham wondered aloud to reporters.

The "deep throats" in the NBA say that a fourth game between the Raptors and the Magic will be held in Toronto "any day now."

Football Pacifists Want NFL Draft Abolished In Favor Of Volunteer Service

2008-04-23T10:20:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (Apr. 23) - National Football League headquarters were protested against this morning, as a well-organized group of football pacifists decried the tradition-rich draft as unconstitutional, calling for the league to adopt a volunteer-based method of replenishing its talent.

"Hell no, they shouldn't go!," chanted the protesters -- mainly made up of long-haired, hippy freaks who burned footballs. Some protesters simply sat, Indian-style, on the sidewalk outside the league offices, wearing football helmets with the word "draft" in a circle with a line through it.

"Football is a GAME, not a war", one picket sign read.

"The draft leaves me cold," read another.

Jonathan Pierce, 47, one of the protest's organizers, said the NFL doesn't need a draft at this time.

"The league is at peace," Pierce said. "The draft is unnecessary. I'm sure there are plenty of strong, fast, athletic young men who would gladly volunteer for NFL service, if they were targeted in a marketing campaign. We see no need for our boys to be torn from their families and thrust into a world of violence and possible career-ending knee injuries. And all for what? The almighty dollar?"

Anti-NFL Draft protesters outside league headquarters this morning

Pierce was among a group of organizers who led a march from the NFL combines in Indianapolis that began in early March. The combines are an annual event that showcases the best young talent emerging from the nation's universities.

"If you could have looked at these kids' faces," Pierce said sadly. "They all had that scared look of doom. These young men knew they were soon to be forcibly entered into a life of million-dollar salaries and endorsement deals. And only a few had agents. The looks I saw ... they were petrified at what a life of embarrassing riches and guaranteed contracts might bring."

NFL spokesman Greg Aiello would only say, in a statement, "While we respect this country's right to free speech, the Draft will nonetheless take place this weekend, as planned."

Pierce said he hopes to gather enough signatures -- approximately eight million -- to place the issue of whether there should be an NFL Draft on the general election ballot this November. According to law, Pierce has until a week from Friday to gather the signatures. He said he has "about 400" so far.

"But nothing worth fighting for is ever easy," Pierce said.

David Eckstein Really Just A Kid Filming A New Disney Baseball Movie

2008-04-21T11:45:00.003-04:00

Toronto, ON. (Apr. 21) - Major League Baseball this morning is trying to determine how to handle the news over the weekend that pint-sized, scrappy infielder David Eckstein is really a 14-year-old youngster filming scenes for an upcoming Disney baseball movie.

Eckstein, whose real name is Patrick Mathews, has been working on the flick -- working title The Whiz Kid -- since the 2006 season, when his depiction of a big league ballplayer was so realistic that he won the World Series MVP Award. Footage from the Series and moments from the 2007 and 2008 seasons will be used in The Whiz Kid -- an inspirational fantasy of what would happen if an Attention Deficit Disordered kid had the moxy and baseball skills to become a boy wonder on the diamond. Mathews, who chose the stage name "David Eckstein" by combining his father's middle name and the name of a local drugstore, beat out 56 other youngsters for the role three years ago.

Eckstein/Mathews added to the usable footage for Disney when he hit a three-run home run Sunday to help the Toronto Blue Jays defeat the Detroit Tigers, 5-3.

A then-13-year-old Mathews poses as "David Eckstein" in a photo taken by a Cardinals team photographer last year

The revelation of "Eckstein's" true identity came when a Toronto teammate spotted a working film script in the actor/infielder's locker on Saturday. Mathews was confronted Sunday morning by Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, and the teen admitted to the ruse. Mathews told team officials that a film crew had been following him for almost two years, posing as a crew working for MLB. He added that his heroics in the 2006 World Series were "unscripted", and that his performance in the Series was largely improvised. The director liked it so much, Mathews said, that it was kept in the film.

MLB officials would only say that a decision as to whether to allow Mathews to continue to play for the Blue Jays as Eckstein would be made "soon."

Philanthropic Tiger Woods Feted For Giving Masters To South African Player

2008-04-18T11:47:00.002-04:00

New York, NY. (Apr. 18) - Hailed as "just another great act by a great man", Tiger Woods was honored yesterday for his benevolence in donating the 2008 Masters tournament to little-known South African golfer Trevor Immelman.

"Your generosity in sharing just a tiny portion of your vast golf wealth is certainly appreciated," PGA Honorary President Roger Warren told Woods at a press conference held at the newly-opened PGA Experience in Manhattan. "It's wonderful to see you helping out those less fortunate."

Woods was cited for his sandbagging during last weekend's Masters, when, despite proclaiming he would win the tournament several weeks ago, Woods hung back and allowed Immelman to be this year's Cinderella story.

"Tiger Woods showed what kind of a person he truly is," Warren said as Immelman flanked him, wearing the green jacket that is customary of all Masters champions -- a jacket that he would not be wearing without Woods's assistance. "There was every indication that we were going to see yet another late round charge by Mr. Woods to pull out victory from the jaws of defeat. But he decided instead to take that victory and hand it to Mr. Immelman. A real class act."

Woods explained the reasoning behind his decision -- made, he said, overnight between rounds three and four.

"I certainly could have won this year's Masters, and I had every intention of doing so," Woods said as he looked at Immelman, who nodded submissively. "As you all know, few things get my juices flowing better than coming from behind and stealing everyone's thunder at a major. But then I looked at Trevor when I got to the course Sunday morning, and he just looked so scared and unsure of himself. That's when I thought, 'Let the kid have this one.'"

Woods explains his decision to donate the 2008 Masters to Trevor Immelman

So Woods put on a mini-rally, coming from six shots back to creep within three before "pulling back on the reins", as he put it.

"I scared the poor guy half to death," Woods said, smiling, as Immelman chuckled nervously. "But in the end, I know I did the right thing."

Woods added that, despite several requests from other golfers, he may not donate any more tournaments in 2008.

"I can't say yes to everyone," Woods said. "I maybe should have said no this time, but Trevor didn't ask. This was a donation from the heart. Anything else, going forward, would be too contrived."

Woods and Immelman then embraced, at which point Immelman began sobbing, repeatedly saying "Thank you" as cameras clicked madly.

Area Woman Overcome As Husband Proposes Divorce On JumboTron Scoreboard

2008-04-16T13:56:00.004-04:00

Atlanta, GA. (Apr. 16) - In the end, she couldn't say no.

Suburban Atlanta woman Melanie Hudson was unable to resist the creativity of her estranged husband, Richard, and agreed to a divorce, in front of 16,000+ fans at Philips Arena during last night's Orlando Magic-Atlanta Hawks game.

"Melanie, Will You Divorce Me?", read the message flashed on the JumboTron scoreboard during a timeout in the second quarter. As the fans cheered and chanted, "YES! YES!", Melanie turned to the man she's been married to for six years and separated from for three months and, tears welling, cried, "I WILL!" before flinging herself into the arms of her friend, Gabrielle Malvais. Richard Hudson was then seen pumping his fist as the crowd roared.

"It was soooo sweet," gushed fan Cynthia Betters, who was sitting several rows behind the unhappy couple. "To think that that woman, Melanie, had been suffering through a bad marriage for so long, then to have her dreams come true, in front of all these people ...," Betters said before being overcome with emotion.

Overcome with emotion, Melanie Hudson cries on the shoulder of friend Gabrielle Malvais after estranged husband Richard's divorce proposal flashed on the scoreboard at Philips Arena

Melanie Hudson, who friends say has been threatening an end to her marriage for "several years now", agreed to attend the Hawks game with her soon-to-be-ex only under the condition that she be allowed to bring Malvais, and that they drive separately, along with the stipulation that Richard leave the arena with six minutes left in the fourth quarter, and that he not know where Melanie parked. After satisfying those demands, Richard satisfied one more.

"He nudged her and pointed to the scoreboard," Malvais told reporters. "Melanie scowled at him, because another condition was that he not touch her. But he pointed again, and when she finally turned her head upward and saw the letters in lights, she lit up brighter than that darn scoreboard!"

After Melanie emphatically agreed to the divorce to the cheering crowd, Richard Hudson then produced pre-drawn up divorce papers that he had picked up from his attorney's office on the way to the game.

"It was a complete surprise. He really pulled it off," Malvais added.

The non-fairy tale marriage will officially end this Friday, when the paperwork is filed.

Neither Melanie nor Richard Hudson were available for comment, under a gag order.

MLB Batboys Brace Themselves For New Tell-All Book

2008-04-14T14:34:00.006-04:00

San Francisco, CA. (Apr. 14) - Batboys of each of the 30 Major League Baseball teams are on edge this morning, on the eve of a new tell-all book set to be released tomorrow that threatens to rip the lid off the sacred batboy fraternity.

Entitled I Am Batboy, written by former MLB batboy Trevor Hillman, the memoir chronicles Hillman's three-year stint as a batboy for the San Francisco Giants (2002-2004), and is already being hailed, according to sources who were given advanced copies of the book, as "the Ball Four of batboy work" -- a reference to Jim Bouton's infamous 1970 book that revealed many big league secrets.

In the book, Hillman reportedly writes of wild, unsupervised sexual orgies among batboys and ball girls, along with a method batboys used to get high involving unused pine tar. Advanced readers also tell of excerpts in the book that make reference to cronyism among the batboy industry, and even alleged "clubhouse couches", in which potential ball girls were given jobs based on whether they slept with certain equipment managers.

Hillman, through his publicist, bragged in a statement that "nothing in this book is untrue. This is the stuff that, had I tried to reveal it when I was still a batboy, I might have been killed over." Hillman went on to say that "It's time now. The pipeline of batboy work is a scum-filled one full of some of baseball's lowest form of life. I'm proud to have been the one to finally say what everyone else was afraid to say."

Former Giants batboy Trevor Hillman, right, threatens to jolt the batboy world with his new book

Hillman, now working as a marketing manager for a midwestern software company, says he was hired by the Giants in late-2001 only because he promised to "do" a ball girl who was the equipment manager's niece. "She was ugly, but I said I'd sleep with her," Hillman said in an interview earlier this month. "It was a self-esteem thing for her, I think."

In that interview, Hillman also revealed that when he suggested to Giants personnel that he wanted out of his batboy job in 2003, he was told that he could do that, but that the team had videotape of Hillman and a fellow batboy "tarring", a term for illegally sniffing the fumes of pine tar in a free-based fashion. When told that, Hillman backed off.

"I'm not even sure if such a videotape even exists," Hillman said. "But I wasn't about to take any chances, because I did do some tarring while I was there. We all did it. They still do it today."

The book hits shelves at midnight tonight. So far, there have been no reports of anyone camping out in line in order to get it, a development that friends close to Hillman say "disturbs" him.

Struggling NHL To Change Name Of Sport To "Arena Hockey"

2008-04-11T10:59:00.003-04:00

New York, NY. (Apr. 11) - The National Hockey League, taking a cue from the success of the indoor version of American football, plans to call itself Arena Hockey next season.

"Clearly, the Arena Football League (AFL) has been able to ride on the coattails of the NFL for over a decade now," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman at a press conference yesterday -- which was purposely held in a local hockey arena called Madison Square Garden to emphasize the symbolism of the league's new direction. "So why can't the NHL ride on the coattails of the AFL?"

Under the new plan, the NHL will now be known by the acronym AH. Bettman explained that the NHL couldn't change to AHL, because that name's already taken by the American Hockey League, a minor league affiliate who would only change if the NHL "ponied up some dough", which it was unable to do.

"Plus, it's easier to say 'Ah,'" Bettman added.

Bettman said that new logos, licensed apparel, and stationery will soon be introduced denoting the league's name change.

Computer-generated peek at what Arena Hockey might look like, according to an image released yesterday by the NHL

AH will also introduce some rules changes to more accurately reflect what Bettman called "the rough-and-tumble, in-your-face nature of the game's new arena version." Those changes will include bodychecking into the boards, players sitting on benches behind the boards, and the option of ricocheting the puck off the boards in order to advance it. When it was pointed out to Bettman that those things already exist in the soon-to-be defunct NHL, Bettman glared at the reporter and said, "Shut up."

The AH will begin play in October with 30 franchises, in towns such as Montreal, New York, Boston, Calgary, and 26 others.

Area Man Finding That His "Fantasy Umpiring" League Just Isn't Catching On

2008-04-09T12:00:00.004-04:00

Scranton, PA. (Apr. 9) - Baseball fan Mark Borsch is seriously considering abandoning his fledgling Fantasy Umpire League, friends report.

Borsch, a self-described "officiating zealot", is discouraged that his idea for monitoring the exploits of Major League Baseball umpires through his new FUL (Fantasy Umpire League) just hasn't caught on yet.

"The men in blue are integral to the outcome of every single game," Borsch explained yesterday as he sat in his home office, tabulating the latest numbers for every one of MLB's 77 umpires. "Yet no one seems to think that their abilities are worthy of track-keeping," Borsch added as he studied a self-written computer program that ranks umpires in six key categories. The categories are: Strike Zone Efficiency; Safe/Out Percentage; Positioning; Player and Manager Relations; Game Management; and Command, an admittedly extra-subjective look at various intangibles that Borsch says "separates the men from the boys."

Borsch, thanks to his subscription to DirecTV's MLB Extra Innings package and spending 14 hours per day watching game casts over the Internet, tirelessly keeps meticulous stats on the umpires, as well as serving as commissioner of the new FUL.

"My wife keeps telling me I should look for a job," Borsch, unemployed since last May from his occupation as a meat-cutter, says. "But this is my dream -- to open up a whole new world of baseball stat-keeping for the ardent fan."

Borsch claims to have eight teams in the FUL, who each paid a $15 entry fee -- almost.

Mark Borsch, at his local library, tries to interest casual baseball fan Julie Higgins in why bad Strike Zone Efficiency is harmful to American League West teams

"Five paid me. Two are going to pay me, they promise, and one ... well, I might let him slide," Borsch says. "Maybe he can chip in something for the end-of-the-year party."

Borsch held a draft in early March, in which each "franchise" selected 12 umpires, who were assigned "salaries" based on their success, using Borsch's six categories as the barometer. Each franchise works under a salary cap, and can cut and pick up umpires as often as it wants, as long as it stays under that cap.

"Sunday night, 11 o'clock. That's the drop-dead deadline for the week," Borsch says firmly as he waits for another weekly, 44-page printout to finish spitting out. "After that, no changes. None."

But the FUL is struggling. Four of the franchise owners have already stopped making moves, which is a bad sign, according to Borsch.

"They're like, 'Just play whoever I had last week,' " Borsch says with a sigh. "That tells me that they've lost interest. I don't know; I try to reach out to them and explain why they should look at Doug Eddings this week because his crew is in Boston and Eddings does well with Strike Zone Efficiency in smaller ballparks. But they just don't seem to want to take that stuff into consideration. I mean, that could make or break your week, ya know?"

Borsch vows to keep the FUL alive despite his friends' reports to the contrary, even if he has to assume ownership of the disinterested franchises himself.

"In time, baseball fans across the country will see how an umpire's Game Management rating is directly rated to the won/loss percentages of teams with young pitchers and veteran catchers. You'll see," he says.

Celtics, Pistons To Open Playoffs Against Some Team Or Another

2008-04-07T11:30:00.002-04:00

New York, NY. (Apr. 7) - The two best teams in the NBA's weak Eastern Conference, the Boston Celtics and the Detroit Pistons, are each poised to begin the playoffs in twelve days, being matched up against some sort of bottom-feeding, wretched ballclub.

"I really don't care who we play," said Celtics forward Paul Pierce yesterday. "In fact, I don't know if I'll even bother learning their name," he added, saying that all he might look at it is the other team's jerseys, just so he knows who not to pass the ball to.

The Celtics have a league-leading 61 wins with six games remaining; the Pistons have 55. The two lowest seeds, who the Celtics and Pistons will play, are both horrendous teams who ought to kiss the court that they're even in the playoffs.

"They say upsets can happen," said Pistons guard Chauncey Billups before snickering derisively. "I don't know, man....I don't know," he added before breaking into convulsive laughter. Then, after composing himself, Billups said, "This is the best time of the year; when we in the East get to wipe the floor with teams who should be in the lottery."

The potential opponents of the Celtics and Pistons include the Toronto Raptors, the Atlanta Hawks, and the Philadelphia 76ers. But reports indicate that maybe even the New Jersey Nets, the Indiana Pacers, and the Chicago Bulls are still mathematically alive for a playoff berth. Sources say league officials are "crunching the numbers" to see who truly is the least pathetic two teams from among this scum-sucking group. There's even been talk, sources say, of these teams pooling their resources and forming two teams from their rosters who might be able to push the Celtics and Pistons to a fifth game in a best-of-seven series.

Meanwhile, the Celtics tuned up for their first round romp by practicing blindfolded, while the Pistons worked on defensive drills while hogtied.

Rockets' McGrady Goes On Profanity-Laced Rant After Finding Out Team's 22-Game Winning Streak Hasn't Done Much To Improve Its Playoff Positioning

2008-04-04T10:09:00.003-04:00

Houston, TX. (Apr. 4) - Prancing around the locker room yesterday, waving his arms and making a range of faces from annoyance to anger to disdain, Houston Rockets star Tracy McGrady ranted about the team's no. 6 playoff seeding, despite a recent 22-game winning streak.

"We won 22 straight! Twenty-two f***ing games in a row! Twenty-f***ing-two!! Think about that for a moment. We won 22 G**damn games in a row! And we STILL don't have a f***ing home court advantage in the first G**damn round? F***!!," McGrady screamed, as stalked the locker room maniacally, going from teammates to reporters, sometimes directly into their faces.

"Holy s**t! This is BULLs**t!," McGrady continued, at one point taking a dry erase marker and writing a big "22 wins in a row" on the white board, then adding the words "home court" in a circle, which he then drew a line through, like one of those international symbols. "Look at this! Does this add up? Does this look right to you? HELL NO!," he added before throwing the marker across the room.

McGrady then started banging his balled up fists against his forehead, chanting, "Makes no F***ING sense! Makes NO f***ing sense!" before pacing back and forth, making a series of guttural, animalistic sounds.

As others in the locker room stood frozen with fear and/or confusion, McGrady held up the sports section, opened it up to where the NBA standings were printed, and said, "Y'all watch what I think of this!" and began wadding the page into a ball. He then shoved it into his mouth, chewing and swallowing it.

"Yehmmf righghm!! Righmm hemrmem!" he shouted as he ingested the standings page, pointing to his mouth as his eyes flashed and his eyebrows moved up and down mischievously.

The Rockets are 49-25 and would have to win their division to secure home court in the first round. They're currently three games behind the front-running New Orleans Hornets.

It's unclear if McGrady's outburst would motivate his teammates, as most of them had slipped on headphones and were listening to their iPods by the time his four-minute display was over with.

Tensions Rise As No-Name Orioles And No-Name Manager Both Trying To Play The "No Name Card"

2008-04-02T09:51:00.006-04:00

Baltimore, MD. (Apr. 2) - Even though the 2008 MLB season is just days old, there's already tension within the Baltimore Orioles, as both the team's no-name players and its no-name manager struggle to each capitalize on their no-name status.

The Orioles, whose roster is made up of 17 players that no one has ever heard of, five players that few have heard of, and three that some have heard of, are now party to an internal power struggle with their manager -- who claims no one has ever heard of, sources say.

"The manager ... umm, don't tell me, don't tell me ... dang, I had it!" said club spokesman John Karding as he began to address reporters yesterday. After an aide whispered into his ear, Karding continued.

"The manager, Dave Trombley ... what? Oh, sorry. Dave TREMBLEY, our manager, is concerned that some of his players are trying to portray themselves as scrappy no-names that can surprise people with their scrappy, no-name play, while Dave also sees himself that way -- as a scrappy, no-name manager who can surprise people with his scrappy, no-name managing style.

"It's becoming a sore spot, for sure," Karding added.

The Orioles manager (we THINK) congratulates one of his players recently; it's unclear if either of them knows the other's name

Orioles players, who didn't have to request anonymity because they already have it, confirmed Karding's words.

"I'll bet fewer people have heard of me than have heard of him," said the second baseman -- or possibly a backup outfielder. "We're going to shock some people because nobody's ever heard of us and isn't giving us a chance. At least with Tremly ... excuse me? Oh, sorry. At least with Trrr-embley? OK, at least with Trembley, people can see that he's managed before and has had success. At least that's what I heard someone say the other day."

A relief pitcher or maybe a catcher said, "We're not going to let that manager's pettiness stop us. He likes to think that he's this underdog dude. Whatever. Look at me. DON'T look at my locker. What's my name? Tell me my Goddamn name, right now!"

When reporters couldn't identify the player, he snickered and walked away.

Trembley, when reached for comment would only say, "I love my players. I fully expect to have all their names memorized by the end of May, thanks to my seating chart in the dugout. But ask around. Who knows ME? I mean, come on. It's not even close, gentlemen."

Cops Called As Baseball Accuses Bonds Of Stalking

2008-03-31T10:46:00.004-04:00

San Francisco, CA. (Mar. 31) - Police were called at 1:47 a.m. this morning to a bungalow in the city's south side, where homerun king Barry Bonds was arrested on the sidewalk, threatening his ex -- baseball.

"He was cursing and begging me for another chance," baseball told reporters gathered outside the sport's modest, two-bedroom abode that it once shared with Bonds. "He went back and forth from being nice to being obnoxious. I think he'd been drinking," the sport added.

Bonds has been stalking baseball, according to the sport's friends, since the wintertime, when it was growing apparent that his legal woes due to the steroid scandal were scaring teams away from hiring him.

"He'd call at least 10-12 times a day," a friend of baseball said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "For awhile I thought baseball might take him back. But I advised that baseball needed to be strong and stand its ground.

"He's out of your LIFE," the friend told baseball. The friend said that Opening Day probably caused Bonds to go "off the deep end."

Bonds was arrested, wobbly and screaming thru tears, after baseball called police when Bonds wouldn't leave the sidewalk. Baseball told reporters, and police, that the locks had been changed weeks ago.

"BASEBALLLLL!!," Bonds reportedly screamed as he nearly lost his balance. "BASEBALLLLLLL! PLEASE!! Oh God, please!"

Bonds briefly fought officers as he was forced into the back of a patrol car. Baseball was asked if it had someplace safe to stay for awhile.

Canseco's Next Book To Reveal That He Just Went Around Injecting People With Steroids

2008-03-28T13:12:00.005-04:00

New York, NY (Mar. 28) - Retired baseball slugger Jose Canseco announced that his next book project will chronicle how he "just went around injecting people" with steroids and human growth hormone (HGH).

The project, which holds a working title of Me and My Needle, will be released in time for the holidays, and will reveal how Canseco, eager to share the benefits of steroids and HGH with as many people as possible, went on an "injecting spree" throughout the 1990s.

"This next book will be a prequel," Canseco explained, speaking from the offices of Simon Spotlight Entertainment, which published Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars and the Battle to Save Baseball, Canseco's newest book, which is to be released Monday. "In this new book, I'll tell how it all started -- my love affair with the needle. About how I just couldn't get big enough, fast enough. About how I shared the joys of altering my body's natural chemistry and severely reducing the size of my testicles with others, through the intoxicating allure of the steroid needle."

Canseco said he decided to work on the new project because "staining baseball's name just started getting boring to me." With the new book, Canseco says he "can open up a whole new world of unsuspecting people to slander."

Canseco will explain in the new book how he would carry syringes with him "everywhere", and inject people when they weren't looking.

"In the neck, in the arm, behind the ear, on the buttocks -- my needle went into all sorts of different people in all sorts of different areas," Canseco said.

When asked to explain how he could have injected people's buttocks' without their knowledge, Canseco grinned, winked, and said, "You'll see, this holiday season."

The general population, which figures to be possibly implicated in Canseco's next project, had no comment beyond a terse statement released thru its publicist.

"We have no comment about anything Mr. Canseco says at this time," the people said. "We're going to reserve comment until we see a copy of the book. It's our belief that we were not ever injected by Mr. Canseco with any sort of steroids or HGH. And if we were, then we deny it."

Sober, Ruly Fan And Drunk, Unruly Fan Form Unlikely Bond

2008-03-26T10:55:00.003-04:00

Chicago, IL. (Mar. 26) - Rooting for the Second City's sports teams has been the common denominator in an unlikely bond that is forming between Justin Michael, a clean, sober, 25-year-old Web designer, and Darrell Gagnon, an almost constantly inebriated, unemployed 29-year-old.

"Justin's a real cool dude," Gagnon said in between periods of a recent Blackhawks game, as he half-slumped against a restroom door, shnockered, while Michael stood in line for beer -- Gagnon's -- and his own nachos. "He's like, awesome, man. Justin rocks!," Gagnon added before a dizzy spell nearly sent him to the floor.

For his part, Michael shrugs off his new friend's loud, obnoxious behavior at sporting events.

"Darrell doesn't mean half of what he says. Maybe not even a quarter. I'd say he means about 22 percent of what he says. He's a real nice guy, deep down. So when he berated Bears quarterback Rex Grossman about his wheelchair-bound, learning disabled nephew, it was mainly the beer talking," Michael says.

Gagnon, who doesn't recall the Grossman incident, or much of anything previous to last Thursday, agreed.

"I just get a little excited, man. I'm like REALLY into it. The beer makes me louder, that's all," Gagnon said as he waddled into the concourse at the United Center, clumsily bumping into several fans, some of whom he responded to with a hearty "Hawks RULE!"

Justin Michael (top) and unlikely friend Darrell Gagnon (bottom)

Michael admits that sometimes he "sinks into my seat" when Gagnon goes off on one of his beer-fueled, profanity-laced tirades.

"I know I'm responsible for him -- I buy his beer because he never has any money -- but I'm human, too. I don't always want people to know I'm with Darrell."

Michael said the two met at a Bulls game during last season's playoffs.

"Darrell was bumming a ride back from the stadium after the game," Michael explained. "I thought it was kind of dangerous, to have him out there, in traffic, trying to flag someone down. So I ran out there, grabbed his arm, and pulled him back onto the curb."

The two forged an almost immediate bond -- with Michael's Internet career being fascinating to Gagnon.

"Actually, Darrell wanted to know if I'd ever designed any porn sites," Michael said. "Then he'd call me or IM me several times a day, wondering if I could get him into several adult sites without actually buying a membership."

Michael was unable to help satisfy Gagnon's perverted desires, but that didn't stop the two fans from becoming friends.

"Darrell knows I always got his back," Michael said. "The dude's got nobody else, really. His mom -- he doesn't even know where she is. And his dad, he thinks, is doing time somewhere."

Gagnon, after making his way back to his seat for the second period, echoed Michael's support.

"JUSTIN!! WHOO-HOO!! YEAH!", he screamed before being told to sit down and shut up.

Actor, Singer, Host John Davidson "Couldn't Be Prouder" Of His University's NCAA Run

2008-03-24T10:32:00.003-04:00

Las Vegas, NV. (Mar. 24) - Actor, singer, talk show and game show host John Davidson says he "couldn't be prouder" of what Davidson University, named after him, has done in the NCAA basketball tournament.

Tenth-seeded Davidson -- the school -- upset no. 4 seed Georgetown yesterday to advance to the tourney's Sweet 16, reaching the Midwest Regional Final Four.

And the school's namesake spoke out about the success before a show last night at Caesars Palace.

"Thrilled ... just thrilled. I knew those young men could do it," the 66-year-old Davidson said. "The school was supposed to initially be targeting the fine arts, but a few years ago they said a few of the kids were fooling around with basketball, and would I mind if that was added to the curriculum.

"I'm glad I gave the go-ahead," Davidson said of adding basketball to the school's athletic program in 1999. The sport joined billiards, darts, slow-pitch softball, and intramural volleyball in time for the 2000-01 season.

Davidson said he "caught a few minutes" of the win over Georgetown "in between rehearsal sets", but that he hoped to be in Detroit for the school's next game -- Friday against Wisconsin.

"Tell those kids that Mr. Davidson wants to see the scrappiest, spunkiest group of young men to ever lace up a basketball," Davidson said in a statement released by his publicist. "I'm looking forward to seeing Steven Carry shoot that ball," Davidson said in the statement, apparently referring to star guard Stephen Curry.

Davidson, 28-6, won the Southern Conference, besting schools such as Winfrey College, Van Halen State, and the Joey Bishop College of Comedy.

Red Sox Players Unsure Whether This Stupid Japan Trip Even Counts In Standings

2008-03-21T11:13:00.002-04:00

Tokyo (Mar. 21) - Landing in Japan yesterday, the Boston Red Sox expressed confusion, anger, and resentment as they prepared to play the Oakland Athletics on Tuesday, in what is apparently the opening of the MLB season.

But the Red Sox are unsure about that.

"I don't know why the heck we're even here," said catcher Jason Varitek, his eyes glazed over as he stepped off the team's charter following 27 hours in the air, a trip which covered a dozen time zones and in which the date changed at least twice. "What day is it, anyway?"

The Red Sox are slated to play the A's on Tuesday, but the Red Sox are still "fuzzy" about whether the game counts in the regular season standings, according to team spokesman Darrell Horner.

"I THINK it does," said Horner after pausing for several seconds before answering. But then Horner sighed, asked for a moment, rubbed his temples, and added. "You know what? I better get back to you on that, actually."

If the games in Japan do, indeed, count, it would be the earliest the MLB season has ever opened. The other 28 teams don't open until March 31.

"This is bull****," groused third baseman Mike Lowell. "I mean, come on! I'm still working out the kinks in my swing, and I'm still trying to lose some of this paunch from the winter. Frankly, I think we're just here because of that Dice-K guy."

Lowell was referring to pitcher and Japanese native Daisuke Matsuzaka, who's being lavished with media attention and geisha girls constantly, according to sources. Matsuzaka's teammates suspect that the Japan trip is solely for his benefit, so he can "be all Japanese and s*** and nobody will care," according to a player who requested anonymity.

Dice-K smiled and said, "Good to be home," upon leaving the airport tarmac, where he was met by dozens of reporters with cameras around their necks. Then he added as he made his way to the terminal, "Everyone here very nice to me."

Matsuzaka appeared to be the only Red Sox player who was enjoying, or even understanding the relevance of the trip.

"I tell you what, these games better count or I'm gonna bust up the place," said first baseman David Ortiz. "Do they count or not?!"

Horner, within earshot of Ortiz, said, "I don't KNOW! God, let me think for a second!"

Bob Knight Ejected From ESPN Set Of "Bracketology"

2008-03-19T15:36:00.003-04:00

Bristol, CT. (Mar. 19) - Fiery former college basketball coach Bob Knight was hit with three quick technical fouls and ejected from the set of ESPN's "Bracketology" show, where he's serving as an expert commentator.

"You can all kiss my ass!" Knight screamed as he yanked off his lavalier microphone and stormed off the set, moments after being t'd up by "Bracketology" producers.

The manic Knight, who abruptly resigned as Texas Tech's coach in January, became incensed when co-commentator Jay Bilas started talking about the so-called "bubble teams" -- the ones that may or may not make the NCAA Tournament.

After Bilas talked about Arizona State, Knight leapt from his chair.

"That's a load of bull****, and you know it, Jay!" Knight bellowed, hands on his hips. Then, gesturing wildly, Knight went on a 35-second rant, in which he used the words "ass", "G**damn", "f***ing" and "son of a bitch" a combined 27 times.

After his tirade, Knight was given the three technical fouls by producer Stewart Granke, who then gave Knight the heave-ho.

Enraged by comments made by ESPN's Jay Bilas, Knight reacts before being ejected

On his way out of the studio, Knight kicked over a trash can, shoved a chair out of his way, and inadvertently knocked down an ESPN intern.

Granke said Knight might be suspended, pending review of the tape of the rant.

Knight was unavailable for comment afterward, but he was seen speeding out of the ESPN parking lot, giving onlookers the finger.

Tiger Woods Announces 2008 Victory Tour Dates

2008-03-17T10:25:00.003-04:00

Orlando, FL. (Mar. 17) - Moments after winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational with a dramatic, 25-foot birdie putt for his fifth straight PGA Tour victory, Tiger Woods revealed the dates of the remainder of his 2008 wins.

"I shall win the Masters again," Woods said after reporters hushed. "Then I will win the following tournaments," he added, pulling a small piece of paper from his back pocket.

"The Byron Nelson Championship in Irving, Texas," Woods said, looking up at reporters after mentioning each tournament. "The Players Championship in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. The Stanford St. Jude Classic in Tennessee. The U.S. Open in San Diego. The Buick Open in Grand Blanc, Michigan." Woods cleared his throat, said, "Mmm...pardon me," before continuing. "The AT&T National in Bethesda, Maryland. The British Open in Lancashire. The PGA Championship at Oakland Hills in Michigan."

Woods pumps his fist, on his way to yesterday's planned win at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, which he announced would happen back in January

When it was pointed out that the 2008 victory schedule meant he would be capturing the Grand Slam, Woods simply nodded and said softly, "That's correct."

Woods announced that beyond the PGA, he wasn't sure which tournaments he would win, explaining that his personal schedule hadn't been made that far out.

Woods said that details of his victories, such as by how many strokes, under what conditions, and whether he would need to come from behind in any of them, would be revealed "soon."

"Meanwhile, I just want to enjoy this walk-off win, which if you remember, I announced in a press release back in January," Woods added.

With that, Woods left, refusing to accept the trophy from Palmer, explaining that "it's just going to go downstairs and get lost in all the clutter."

Guy Down The Aisle At Clippers Game Just Got Up AGAIN, Others In Aisle Report

2008-03-14T12:05:00.002-04:00

Los Angeles, CA (Mar. 14) - Ticketholders in row 24, section 214A at the Staples Center have reported "that guy down the aisle just got up AGAIN," forcing everyone to stand up to let him through.

The complaint comes with 5:22 left in the third quarter of the Los Angeles Clippers' game against the Golden State Warriors.

"That guy...I can't believe he's getting up AGAIN," an exasperated Gary Collins, 34, told friends.

The guy, some overweight, clumsy dude in his 30s, has gotten up "way too many times" to suit the other ticketholders in his aisle.

"I can see a couple times, you know for going to the bathroom or getting something to eat or whatever, but this guy is like, off the charts!" according to Diane Friesen, 41, who's attending the game with her husband and two children.

The ticketholders think the guy might have "some sort of condition or something."

Looking up at the scoreboard, that guy gets up again

"Maybe he can't hold it," said Kyle Overton, sitting three seats to the guy's left. "But at the same time, he only came back with something to drink once. So I don't know."

Witnesses say the guy came back once with popcorn and a soft drink, once with a game program, and several times with nothing at all.

"All I know is, he's so f***ing big that when he comes by, it's not enough to just stand," said Collins. "You have to like, turn your body and squeeze yourself against your seat to let the dude through. And even then, his elbows and gut rub against you.

"He's like the jack-in-the-box from hell," Collins added.

The fans in the guy's row "can't wait" for the game to be over, or for him to "kiel over in the bathroom or something", in order for their game-long nightmare to end.

Report: More and More Ballplayers Being Delayed From Spring Training By American Express Problems

2008-03-12T15:53:00.002-04:00

Clearwater, FL (Mar. 12) - The spring training tradition of Latin ballplayers being delayed from reporting to their clubs due to Visa problems has taken on a different twist, according to new reports.

More and more players are now being delayed by American Express problems, says baseball financial expert Richard Sorensen.

"We're seeing a dramatic increase in ballplayers -- American players, specifically -- arriving late to their spring camps due to American Express problems," Sorensen said in an exclusive interview with Spoiled Sports.

The problems vary, Sorensen says -- ranging from billing concerns to disputes over purchases that the ballplayers say were never made.

"American Express has been losing its way when it comes to customer service," Sorensen said.

Sorensen says the problem rears its head during the beginning of spring training due to the company's billing cycle.

"Typically, Amex (shorthand version) sends out its bills the second week of February," Sorensen explained. "And that's right when ballplayers are packing and getting ready to head to Florida or Arizona. The timing is bad. So the players are trying to deal with these problems, which makes them late for camp."

Sorensen cited Tigers outfielder/DH Gary Sheffield.

"Sheffield was two days late because of American Express problems," Sorensen said. "Apparently a payment he made crossed in the mail, and Sheffield had a very bad experience with what he called 'snotty' customer service reps. So he was late."

American Express spokesperson Mary Reilly said that the "problems" are largely the fault of the players themselves.

"American Express prides itself on its customer service," Reilly said. "Ballplayers are men. Men are notorious procrastinators. So they don't alert us to any concerns until they're in their big, expensive cars and SUVs, driving to Florida or wherever. They're the ones that are snotty, let me tell you!"

Sorensen said a record 44 ballplayers were late to camp because of American Express problems, including new Marlins catcher Mike Rabelo, who is still hung up at his home in Durham, NC.

"Rabelo has serious issues with American Express," Sorensen said. "They have to go back, like, six months to find some billing errors. It's a real nightmare."

Sorensen said Rabelo hopes to report to Marlins camp by the weekend, "if all goes well."

Aaron Rodgers Wants Out Of NFL As A Conscientious Objector

2008-03-10T11:09:00.004-04:00

Green Bay, WI. (Mar. 10) - Citing his belief that his NFL tour of duty was in "peace time" and thus not subject to action on the field of play, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has petitioned the league to let him out of his professional football commitment.

"This is not what I signed up for," Rodgers said in the wake of the news that longtime QB Brett Favre has retired after 16 seasons with the Packers. "I joined the Packers during peace time. I was told that Brett was the quarterback, that he would always BE the quarterback, and that I would be relegated to desk and clipboard duty. Which I was totally down with."

Rodgers, though, has now been thrust into the role of starting quarterback with Favre's retirement. And he believes that violates the terms of his NFL tour of duty.

"I was promised a football education, travel, and discipline," Rodgers told reporters outside the Packers' practice facility yesterday. "Nobody said anything about me actually playing.

"I'm telling you, that if I was told I'd have to play, I wouldn't have joined. I don't like violence, frankly."

So Rodgers is citing conscientious objector status as his reason for being allowed out of his NFL agreement.

"I know there's a draft. But I was drafted during PEACE TIME. Don't you get it?"

Rodgers, on Day One of his peace time NFL tour of duty

Rodgers, who says he's never even had to have his jersey laundered since being picked by the Packers in 2005, apparently underestimated the effect Favre's retirement would have on him personally.

"I naturally assumed that they'd be signing or trading for another quarterback," he told reporters. "You know, kind of like when your teacher retires. They don't make the student the teacher. You see what I mean? It's crazy."

But then reports surfaced that Rodgers, indeed, would be the Packers' signal-caller in 2008 -- which floored him.

"A complete violation of my agreement," Rodgers said. "I will not rest, and I will not stop my fight, until I am once again benched in favor of another quarterback."

"You can't just do this to someone. Someone has to take a stand against these big NFL teams. I guess it's going to be me."

Rodgers says that if his try is unsuccessful, then he'll do the next honorable thing.

"I'll move to Canada, and hold a clipboard there."

Longtime Baseball Fan Remembers "Good Old Days" When Alcoholism Ran Rampant

2008-03-05T17:07:00.002-05:00

Glens Falls, NY (Mar. 5) - In this sleepy hamlet in upstate New York, longtime baseball fan and retired meat packer Virgil Horne leans back in "his" chair -- the 25-year-old La-Z-Boy recliner, and thinks back to a simpler time in the history of the national pastime.

"I wish we could go back in time and return to the days of good, old-fashioned alcoholism," Horne says to his visitor. "Baseball scandals have gotten way too complicated for my blood. I wouldn't know a steroid if it jumped up and bit me in the ass."

Horne wistfully recalls players like Yankees relief pitcher Ryne Duren, Angels pitcher Bo Belinsky, and Cleveland Indians phenom Joe Charboneau.

"Drunk as skunks," Horne says of this trio, and those of their ilk. "You didn't have to have a PhD in chemistry to follow along with off-the-field troubles in my day."

Virgil Horne

Horne also pointed to what he referred to as the "harmless fun" alcoholic ballplayers engaged in.

"Duren would warm up and throw the first pitch over the G--damn backstop. And you didn't know if he was doing it on purpose or because he was soused. Belinsky -- now THERE was a character. Why, he'd be out with the ladies to all hours of the night, stroll in at seven in the morning, and go out and pitch that night, usually getting knocked out in the fourth inning.

"Good times, good times," he says with a nostalgic sigh.

Today, Horne says, the ballplayers are spreading themselves too thin with bad behavior. He wishes they'd "dumb it down", especially for "oldtimers like me."

"I tell ya, I can't keep up with some of these ne'er-do-wells," says Horne. "Tax evasion, the steroids thing. Internet gambling. INTERNET GAMBLING? How the heck does THAT work, anyway? Sheesh!"

Horne says he barely follows baseball anymore because of what he calls a "retreat from good old baseball values" like "getting completely hammered" in between games of a doubleheader.

"They don't even PLAY doubleheaders anymore," Horne says with a look of disgust. "Let alone drink like a fish between games. It's just not the same."

Horne remembers fondly a game he attended in which Charboneau was "clearly shnockered."

"I saw the Indians when they came to New York," he says. "Charboneau must have had quite a night the night before, because he was still out of it the next day. There was a high pop up, and he circled underneath it, then just went down like a house of cards. Then he threw up a little.

"Now it's all taking place in courts and rehab centers. Any ballplayer in my day worth his salt wouldn't be caught dead in any 'rehab center.' No sir. He'd be labeled a pussy."

Horne says he might give baseball another shot this year.

"But as soon as I hear about this HGH, then I'm done. For good this time. What's wrong with Johnny Walker Red Label?"

Kobe Bryant: It's "Cute" That Lakers Still Think He Needs Teammates

2008-03-03T12:26:00.003-05:00

Los Angeles, CA (Mar. 3) - Moments after leading his Los Angeles Lakers to a 108-104 overtime victory over the Dallas Mavericks, scoring 52 points, superstar Kobe Bryant said yesterday that it's "cute" how management still thinks he needs talented teammates surrounding him.

"They're so naive. It's actually kind of endearing, and cute," Bryant said of the team's repeated attempts to provide him with top-shelf talent. "But that's OK. Bless their heart, but I'm fine, really. As long as I get the ball all the time and y'all get out of my way, you can have as many great players out there with me as you want. It won't change things."

The Lakers added Pau Gasol from the Memphis Grizzlies in a trade last month, a move Bryant termed as "adorable."

Bryant took 27 shots yesterday to Gasol's 14, and played 51 of 53 minutes against the Mavericks, to Gasol's 44.

"That was nice," Bryant said of the Gasol trade, "but they shouldn't have gone to all that trouble."

Bryant (right) smiles at the cuteness of the ultimately unnecessary efforts of Gasol (left) in a recent game

In yesterday's thriller, Bryant scowled whenever a teammate dared to touch the ball, at one point even taking the ball from Derek Fisher's hands and swatting him on the back of the head in a blatant act of scolding.

Coach Phil Jackson called Bryant's performance, "Selfish, boorish, bullying, and disgusting." But he then quickly added, "Which is exactly what this team needs right now."

Fisher, after the game, dismissed reporters who suggested that Bryant's public head-swatting was inappropriate.

"I lost my mind for a moment, man," Fisher said when describing the incident. "I was nearly 22 feet from the hoop, which I KNOW is Kobe territory. I should have given the ball up. No question. My bad. It'll never happen again."

Bryant added that future attempts by management to add, "quote-unquote 'missing pieces'," in his words, would be met with his derision -- but also empathy.

"I forgive them, for they do not know what they do," Bryant said.

Pittsburgh Pirates Emotionally Eliminated From 2008 Pennant Race

2008-02-28T11:23:00.004-05:00

Impending Mathematical Elimination "Too Tough" To Deal With, Sources Say

Bradenton, FL. (Feb. 28) - The Pittsburgh Pirates, earlier than ever before, have been emotionally eliminated from playoff contention, sources say.

"Morale is at an all-time low," a source -- who described himself as a "close, personal friend" of the team -- said yesterday. "I just don't know how the Pirates can go on."

The source -- a supportive gay man in his late-20s -- said the team "hardly touched" its postgame meal yesterday after an exhibition loss to the Cincinnati Reds, and that it's been walking around in "la-la land" ever since spring training opened two weeks ago.

"All the losses, all the rejection, all the fruitless off-seasons with no help coming from other teams -- it's taking its toll," the friend said. "And, I think they're starting to smoke again."

The friend said that the Pirates' upcoming mathematical elimination -- expected sometime in early-April -- has the team in a deep depression.

The Pirates' Jason Bay, shown being unable to bring himself to join in the drills

"They don't shower, they don't shave," the friend said. "Yesterday I saw (outfielder) Jason Bay lying on the clubhouse sofa, devouring a bag of Doritos. The coaches were trying to get him to take batting practice, but he just waved them off, saying, 'What's the use?' "

The Pirates have not had a winning season since 1992 -- not coming close since then.

"I suggested that the team go out, buy itself something nice -- like a relief pitcher. SOMETHING," the friend went on. "I can't even get it to go out for a cup of coffee with me anymore.

"It's so sad."

Dwyane Wade Thinks This Entire Season Is A Long Episode Of Punk'd

2008-02-24T15:08:00.003-05:00

Miami, FL. (Feb. 24) - Friends of Miami Heat's Dwyane Wade say that the NBA superstar is convinced that this season is simply a drawn-out practical joke for an upcoming "Punk'd" special to air this spring.

"He's just waiting for Ashton Kutcher or one of the members from Outkast to yell out, 'PUNK'D!' as soon as the buzzer goes off at the end of the last game of the season," one friend told reporters. "He keeps saying there's no other explanation for it."

"Punk'd", an MTV show, would place celebrities in practical joke situations, often in full view of the public. The final episode aired in May 2007, but Wade thinks MTV is reviving the show for a special hour-long version to air sometimes after the NBA Finals.

Wade's Miami Heat are 9-44 and have lost 26 out of their last 27 games. Shaquille O'Neal was traded to the Phoenix Suns a couple weeks ago, a move that Wade says is simply part of MTV's storyline.

"Here's the deal: Dwyane thinks the season will end, he'll be Punk'd, then Shaq will return to the Heat next season," another friend disclosed. "He thinks coach Pat Riley, the fans, his teammates, the league, and every athlete in every sport and every recording artist of all genres are in on the prank."

Wade, the friends report, keeps saying things like, "Aww, man -- this is a GOOD one!," whenever the Heat lose another game, despite him pouring in dozens of points every night.

"Last week, after yet another loss, Dwyane kept going up to teammates and saying, 'Y'all got me good.' Of course, they had no idea what he was talking about -- which just fueled his belief that they were just putting on."

When the Shaq trade was announced, Wade told friends that it "was obvious that MTV will stop at nothing" to propagate the prank.

"They traded Shaq? Man, they're SERIOUS at 'Punk'd'. This is dope," Wade was quoted as saying.

Wade is eager to finish the season and hug Kutcher and the other co-conspirators, then take everyone out for "a real expensive dinner", at which Wade is expected to reveal that he became aware of the prank "months ago" -- hoping to get the last laugh.

NHL Red-Faced As It Learns Versus Not REALLY A Network At All

2008-02-20T17:14:00.004-05:00

New York, NY (Feb. 20) - The National Hockey League, for years trying to find a foothold in the medium of television, suffered another humiliating blow to its already-fragile credibility when it was revealed that Versus, the tiny network currently carrying NHL games, is not really a network at all.

"I'm most dreadfully embarrassed," said league Commissioner Gary Bettman at a news conference yesterday. "We were misled."

Versus, it turns out, is instead a public access cable station based out of Teaneck, NJ that was able to use an old microwave uplink from 17-year-old Danny Whalen's dad's former communications consulting company to transmit the "network's" signal to the over 10,000 homes that receive Versus.

"That Whalen kid ... pretty damn slick," Bettman said, sighing and shaking his head as he could barely bring himself to make eye contact with reporters.

An embarrassed-beyond-belief NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman tries to explain how the league could have been duped by some teenagers into thinking it was broadcasting games on an actual network for almost two seasons

Whalen and his friend, 16-year-old Seth Husted, pirated game broadcasts and, using a MacIntosh computer program, placed the totally made up Versus "logos" and graphics over them.

"It started out as a joke one night," Whalen said on his way home from Teaneck High School yesterday. "Seth says, 'You think we can do this?' He's always up for some sort of reason to use this new Mac software he bought."

According to Whalen, the ruse began a year ago September, when his older cousin, Bernie, tabbed some actors from his community theater group to play the roles of Versus executives. A meeting was arranged with the TV-hungry NHL, and the league quickly agreed to go with Versus, failing to do even the slightest due diligence.

"When Bernie texted me that he was sitting in Bettman's office, I about s**t my pants," Whalen said, giggling. "I was like, 'We might actually pull this off.' "

Of course, getting Bettman's approval was only Step One. Next, the youngsters had to put into motion the technical part of the plan, which involved Husted's computer genius.

Before long, the boys were "broadcasting" games on the bogus network.

"Network" on-air talent such as Bill Clement, Keith Jones, and Brian Engblom assumed that their work was being seen by millions, when in fact it was just 8-10,000 per night -- depending on the reliability of Whalen's dad's outdated microwave transmitter.

"Some nights we can hit 10 K, but if it's bad out, it's more like 6 K," Whalen explained.

Bettman announced the firing of media buyer Leslie Thornblatt and her assistant in the wake of the revelation, which came after Whalen "couldn't keep fooling the league anymore" and sent an e-mail to NHL offices.

"To our thousands of fans, I apologize," Bettman said. "You expect more from us."

Not really, according to sports analyst Bill Berg.

"The league hasn't really disappointed here," Berg said. "In fact, this is pretty much par for the course."

Whalen said he and his friends would continue to broadcast games on "Versus" thru the end of the regular season, to help the NHL save face.

"I guess we owe that much to them," Whalen said as he tossed his backpack onto the kitchen counter.

Nets, Mavericks Try To Hammer Out New Kidd Deal, Then Say "Just Screw It"

2008-02-18T12:26:00.003-05:00

East Rutherford, NJ (Feb. 18) - The New Jersey Nets and Dallas Mavericks, after trying for several days to consummate a trade involving Nets point guard Jason Kidd, have scrapped the whole thing.

"Screw it. Just screw it," a visibly agitated Nets GM Rod Thorn said as he rushed to his car yesterday, sighing heavily and rolling his eyes.

The trade for Kidd, originally announced last week, fell through when Devean George, one of the Mavericks players involved, exercised a clause in his contract that voided the deal. Ever since, the two sides have been trying to come up with another exchange.

"You know what? I tried to do the right thing, and ... whatever," Thorn said as he plowed through reporters on his way to his vehicle. "I'm done. If you want Jason Kidd traded, do it your own Goddamn self. Son of a bitch."

Thorn then slammed the car door and sped off.

Mavericks GM Donn Nelson said, "It just wasn't working out. We took George out of the mix, then tried to put in Adrian Dantley, but Adrian's status as being retired for over 10 years nixed that offer. Then the Nets said they'd take Dantley, as long as we took Micheal Ray Richardson, but that didn't seem like much of an improvement, so we said no. Then we offered to not sign Jerry Stackhouse after the Nets bought out his contract in 30 days, but I couldn't actually say that without grinning, which killed that. Then we started to ask ourselves, do we REALLY need Jason Kidd? I mean, is it worth all this hassle?"

Kidd says he still would welcome a trade to the Mavericks.

"DUH," he said after practice. "S**t, I'd welcome a trade to the freaking Washington Generals at this point," Kidd said in reference to the long-time straight men to the Harlem Globetrotters. "That little s**t Devean George. Why, I'd like to ...," Kidd added, balling his right hand into a fist and smacking it into his left palm several times.

Thorn, according to sources, reportedly told Nelson to "bite me" when talks broke down Saturday night, before slamming the phone down.

"They can kiss my New Jersey ass," Thorn said of the Mavs, according to the sources.

Small Picket Fences Being Swiped At Alarming Rate; Sports Fans To Blame

2008-02-15T12:43:00.003-05:00

Peoria, IL (Feb. 15) - Small picket fences are being stolen and sold on the black market at rates never seen before, a national institute reports.

The Harrison Group, a non-profit organization that tracks sports-related crimes, says that the fences are being plucked from homes and gardens across the country and ending up in sports crowds around the nation.

Lord knows where that piece of fence came from

"They're being used, in combination with handmade and stolen D's from area signs, to make the sign for 'defense' at sporting events," says Harrison Group spokesman Donna Beltaire. "It's becoming pandemic. Soon it may be epidemic. Or vice-versa. I forget which is worse."

Beltaire said the Group's study included the 12 months from February 2007 to January 2008.

"What we found was an increase of nearly 77% in reports of picket fence robberies," she said at a press conference yesterday. "Our intelligence shows the fences being cut into sections then sold in the black market, where they end up in fans' hands."

Beltaire said most fans who come upon the fence sections have no idea the sections are "hot."

"They're usually told that the person who's selling the sections owned the fence, making the transaction seem legitimate in the buyer's eyes. But 99% of the time, the seller bought the fence sections from an unscrupulous individual."

Yes, that means that there are those who are fencing fences.

"It's just another sad commentary," Beltaire said.

Yankees Ready To Defend Wild Card Championship

2008-02-13T10:18:00.002-05:00

Tampa, FL. (Feb. 13) - New Yankees manager Joe Girardi "can't wait" for spring training to start, so his team can begin its defense of the 2007 Wild Card Championship.

"One of the reasons I was so excited to take this job was because of the rich tradition of always defending something every spring," Girardi, who's taking over for Joe Torre, said yesterday. "We go into camp with the big targets on our back for those who want to take the Wild Card away from us. Bring it on -- we're the G--damn Yankees."

In 2007, the Yankees arrived in Tampa in preparations to defend their second consecutive ALDS Appearance, which followed 2005's defense of 2004's ALCS Game 3 Championship.

"I hope our fans know how hard it was to gain the Wild Card last season," owner George Steinbrenner said in a statement thru his sons. "And it promises to be just as hard this year. But rest assured that the Yankees will spare no expense in making sure we make it to the playoffs and get eliminated before the World Series -- you have my word."

The Yankees have declared that the recent trend of not winning the World Series -- the team last won it in 2000 -- is now a "new tradition", explaining away shocking playoff losses of late to a simple fact: the team has won enough World Series titles.

"What makes us more newsworthy? Winning the World Series or failing to do so?," asked Girardi of the small press gathering surrounding him outside Legends Field. "Come on, be honest: what's more fun to write about?"

When several of the media members answered, "It's more fun to write about when you lose," Girardi smiled.

"Exactly," he said.

Girardi said he can barely contain his excitement as his pitchers and catchers prepare to report tomorrow. He pointed to a large banner that read, "Welcome Back To Tampa, Our Wild Card Yankees" that hung over the entrance to Legends Field.

"It's a new day," Girardi said. "Yankees Baseball isn't about winning the World Series so much as it is providing baseball fans everywhere with drama, emotion, and blogging fodder. And we think we still do that better than anyone in the big leagues."

Yankees fans seem to be on board.

New Jersey native Sol Hudson, who now lives in Tampa, said, "The Red Sox fans are all like, 'We won the World Series again!' Who gives a flying f***? They can have it. Hey, where were you from 1919 to 2003, when it was still cool to win the Series? The World Series is so not in. What team is everyone still talking about? The Yankees! The Joe Torre drama, the A-Rod contract, now the Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte steroid thing. We still rule the front pages.

"F*** your World Series," Hudson added.

Girardi said that the Yankees will always have something to defend -- even if they, somehow, fail to qualify for the playoffs this season.

"Maybe it'll be 2008's Most Dysfunctional Team. I don't know. But isn't that what's so fun about it? The unknown."

Source: Tape Exists Of Someone Watching The Pro Bowl

2008-02-11T11:08:00.000-05:00

Sacramento, CA (Feb. 11) - Reports have surfaced that claim video evidence exists of someone watching yesterday's Pro Bowl, sources say.

"The video is real. It's not doctored," the source told the Sacramento Bee. The source contacted the Bee because the person who is shown in the video lives in the Sacramento area.

According to the source, the person -- tentatively described as a "white male in his 30s" -- was videotaped as he watched "between three and five minutes" of the game, a 42-30 win for the NFC over the AFC.

"It's clear; there's even audio," the source says. "This man was, without question, watching the Pro Bowl."

It wasn't revealed WHY the man was watching the game, nor why he was videotaped. The source would only say that the man was videotaped "without his knowledge."

The man's name isn't being released, pending contact of his family. It's already been speculated by football observers that even after his family is notified, the man may seek to keep his name confidential through legal means.

"Revelation of him watching this sorry-ass excuse for a pro sports All-Star game could destroy his career -- and his life," the source said. "I suspect he'll fight tooth and nail to have his name kept undisclosed."

In a related development, the 50,000+ fans who attended the game in Hawaii have filed a class action injunction to keep their names private, as well.

U.S. Soccer Officials: You Don't Like This Game, Do You?

2008-02-07T08:59:00.000-05:00

Encino, CA (Feb. 7) - Officials of the U.S. Soccer Federation announced at a press conference yesterday that they "get it", and will stop trying to promote soccer in this country.

"You all win," spokesman Gary Hughes said with a sigh outside USSF headquarters. "We'll back off with the promotion of this great game in this country. But you don't know what you're missing."

Hughes then changed his tone after that comment after getting a scolding look from his colleagues.

"Um, I mean, the people have spoken and we respect their decision," he added.

Hughes and his associates were responding to a growing discord amongst U.S. sports fans and enthusiasts from soccer, who have continually rejected soccer as a major sport ever since it was introduced.

"Hallelujah!" said Mark Anderson, 41, a software engineer and a "huge" NFL and NBA fan. "Thank God! Enough with the soccer already."

Sports and recreation analyst Bernard Himmington says he understands why soccer has never caught on in the United States.

"We're impatient in this country," Himmington says. "We want scoring and action. At least action. Soccer doesn't provide enough of either. Not nearly enough. Frankly, that game just blows, let's face it."

Anderson agrees.

"Look at the size of the goals," he said. "They're huge! It's like they're mocking you: You'll never score, no matter if we put a goal the size of Montana out there. Come on, if that game didn't suck, the scores would be 10-8, 12-10, with the size of those goals. Cripe."

The USSF's Hughes admitted that the marketing efforts here rang hollow.

"We were strong with the kids and youths," Hughes said. "But then once the parents realized that the best thing about soccer was getting their kids tired after running around chasing the ball, then we lost them.

"I will miss some of the soccer moms, though. They were pretty hot," Hughes added, drawing another scowl from his colleagues at the podium.

Hughes said the death knell was a recently commissioned poll by the independent Hayes Institute, which occasionally monitors sports and recreation trends in the U.S. When Americans were asked about several fringe activities, "Which of these sports are most compelling?" the choices and results were: Volleyball 42%; tennis 37%; jai alai 14&; rowing 5%; miniature golf 1.5%; darts 0.3%; and soccer, at 0.2%.

Reaction wasn't mixed across the country.

"They should have given up long ago," said Max LaHoya, a Mexican-American who grew up with soccer south of the border. "I knew Gringos would never go for soccer."

"Good riddance," said high school football coach Gus Miller of Boca Raton, Fla. "God, I hated those soccer freaks. Maybe if they would let you touch the ball with your hands. All that kicking!"

Hughes said soccer programs would continue to exist for those who choose to still play the game, but that the USSF would no longer help fund them.

"We're done. We get it," he said.

Soccer mom Bernice Palmatier of Bakersfield, Ca. said, "I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My daughter's 12. Soccer was great when she was 7 or 8. She'd come home exhausted and go right to bed, and I could read and have time to myself. But soccer doesn't do that to her anymore. So now it's just a grind. She doesn't like playing, I don't like watching her. The game is awful. We've been living a charade for years.

"I'm glad it's over, to tell you the truth."

Belichick Declares Patriots Mythical NFL Champions

2008-02-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

Foxboro, MA (Feb. 5) - Despite losing to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl Sunday, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick has declared his team mythical National Football League champions.

"It works in college football, why not in pro football?" asked Belichick as the Patriots' plane touched down in Massachusetts last night. He then made his case for why the Patriots, not the Giants, should be possessors of the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

"We've lost one game. They (the Giants) lost six. I mean, you do the math," Belichick said with his usual dour, humorless expression. "In college football, whoever heard of a team with six losses playing for the championship of anything? Jesus H C*****!"

Belichick also said that since the Patriots beat the Giants in the regular season, "this makes us 1-1 against each other. If Ohio State and LSU were 1-1, would you just declare one of them champs? Hell no. You'd hope for a tie-breaking game."

When asked if that meant that Belichick was lobbying for a third game against the Giants, the coach said, "Not necessary. We're the champions, plain and simple. So we lost a game. Big deal. What about the 18 in a row that we won? Nobody seems to want to talk about THAT."

Belichick also passed out some hastily-made flyers that said "18-1 beats 14-6 every time", in reference to the Patriots' and Giants' records.

Bill Belichick waves to supporters at Logan International Airport in Boston before being whisked away; moments earlier, he declared the Patriots champions

"If there were polls in the NFL, the Giants wouldn't even be in the top five," Belichick continued as he walked to a private car at the airport. "And now because they beat us, they're suddenly number one? It's a G**damn joke."

Belichick also declared QB Tom Brady the game's MVP, for his "unwavering effort in the face of a relentless pass rush and that late TD pass to Randy Moss, which should have sealed the deal." Belichick said the game-winning TD pass from Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress shouldn't be used to penalize Brady. "Just because our defense had a hiccup shouldn't mean that Tom Brady gets the MVP taken away from him," Belichick reasoned.

In addition to awarding his team their fourth championship in seven seasons and Brady MVP honors, Belichick second-guessed himself for going for it on 4th and 13 late in the third quarter at the Giants' 31 with his team leading 7-3, but came away unmoved. "Still the right call," he said. Belichick also spoke of how the 2008 season will be even tougher for his team.

"We've got the targets on our back," he said. "Because we're the defending champions. Really, we are. Hey, 18-1. Enough said."

AL Central Teams Chip In To Pay Santana's New Mets Contract

2008-02-01T12:10:00.000-05:00

New York, NY (Feb. 1) - Eager to be rid of Minnesota Twins lefty Johan Santana, the other AL Central teams plan to "pass the hat" and take up a collection to help pay for the Cy Young winner's new contract with the New York Mets.

"We're happy to help," said Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski of the gesture, in which his team plus the Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, and Kansas City Royals will each "pony up some dough" to better facilitate the Santana trade.

The Twins have agreed to ship Santana to the Mets for a bunch of prospects, but the deal has been hinging on the Mets' ability to meet Santana's salary demands. Reports have Santana asking for as much as $150 million over six years.

"We've already raided petty cash and secured a loan," a spokesman for the Indians said. "We can kick in maybe five, six million."

The Royals are set to hold a bunch of car wash fundraisers this weekend in their Florida spring training home, plus there are an "inordinate" number of empty cans and bottles that the team has been meaning to get to, that can add to the team's contribution.

The White Sox plan to sell a bunch of memorabilia on eBay to raise their portion.

The idea to help the Mets with Santana's salary came after an awkward moment Dombrowski recently shared with Mets GM Omar Minaya.

"We were in an elevator," Dombrowski said. "And we're both looking at the floor number change, like you normally do when there's nothing else to say. Then all of a sudden Oscar sighs and says, 'Whoo...this Santana deal...I'm not sure how I'm going to pay his contract.' "

After an uncomfortable silence, Dombrowski said Minaya glanced over at him and after the two made eye contact, "I had to say something. So I told him I could see what we could do," Dombrowski told his Mets counterpart.

Once the teams' money is pooled together, it will be presented to the Mets at a press conference with one of those big, pretend checks, with all the Central clubs' GMs sharing the podium with Minaya, Santana, and some guy who works for the company that makes those big, pretend checks.

Area Man: "These Beer Prices Are Outrageous!"

2008-01-28T16:04:00.000-05:00

Seattle, WA. (Jan. 28) - Seattle-area Supersonics fan Dominic Renetta is disgusted with the prices of beer at Key Arena, according to sources close to the 34-year-old design engineer.

"He was in line with me," said friend and fellow fan Andy Maloney yesterday. "And then I heard him kind of go, 'Sheesh', and 'You've gotta be kidding me.' The next thing I know, Dom's not in line anymore."

Maloney said that the two Sonics fans sidled up to a concession stand late in the first quarter of a recent game against the Golden State Warriors, ostensibly to purchase beer.

"I was getting thirsty, so I said to Dom, 'Wanna beer?' He said 'Sure,' and we headed for the stand," Maloney explained to reporters outside his suburban Seattle home.

But the planned malt and hops beverage purchase that Renetta hoped to make with Maloney never happened.

Instead, Maloney said, when he found Renetta back in his seat after Maloney made his purchase of the $6.75, 14-oz. beer, "I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Those prices are outrageous,' and he spent the rest of the quarter, and most of the second, complaining about the concession prices."

Maloney said Renetta's tirade extended beyond just the Key Arena concessions.

Dominic Renetta

"When Dom gets going, he starts including things that we aren't even talking about. Before long, he's bitching about everything from the quality of public restroom toilet paper to having something stuck in his teeth," Maloney said, shaking his head and sighing.

Maloney said he offered to buy Renetta a beer, but he was rebuffed.

"He told me I could keep my money, but he did thank me for the offer."

Refusing to give up on finagling a beer for his friend, Maloney then suggested a 10-oz. cup for $4.50, but that was met with a disgusted wave of Renetta's hand.

"So he settled on a Coke at halftime," Maloney said.

Renetta chafed at paying $3.50 for the 16-oz soft drink, but was calmed when he was told the soda came with a souvenir Sonics cup that he could keep.

"But then, before you know it, he's complaining about why they don't offer souvenir cups with beer," Maloney said. "I'm telling you, he can be f**king annoying."

Other sources close to Renetta say that he's considering writing a letter of complaint to Key Arena concessions manager Dwight Leonard.

"Stay tuned," one of the sources said of Renetta's plans.

Maloney rolled his eyes when told of the planned letter.

"Whatever," he said.

Satan Arrives In Denver To Collect Rockies Debt

2008-01-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

Denver, CO. (Jan. 21) - Acknowledging that he's calling in his marker rather early, Satan -- The Devil himself -- showed up in Denver today to collect on the deal he made with the Colorado Rockies last September.

"It's time to pay the piper ... that would be me," the Keeper of the Netherworld told reporters as he stepped into a waiting limousine near the Denver airport. Satan, witnesses say, arrived in Denver not by plane, but by "suddenly appearing" from beneath the ground. After tucking his red tail into the plush limo, Satan, a.k.a. Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, and Baphomet, said he would be paying a visit to Coors Field, "the site of one of my greatest sports pacts."

Satan said that, under the agreement he made with the foundering Rockies last summer, he would enable them to catch a fire "that would be hot as Hell itself" and make it to the World Series. But the team was only willing to trade its soul, and not that of the people of Denver -- or else they would have won the Series, according to him.

"They did not have the gonads to take that extra step," Satan said before being whisked away to an undetermined location. "But I'm still pleased. Those are 25 more souls for me."

Satan explains to reporters why he's collecting on his deal with the Colorado Rockies so soon, just before being whisked away in a limousine

Sources close to Satan say that the reason he's wanting to collect on his deal just months after making it is a simple matter of demand.

"There's a great need for more souls down there," the source said. "The demand is exceeding the Devil's supply. Or else he'd give the Rockies a bit more time."

The Rockies were baseball's darlings after rallying from near playoff extinction by winning 14 of their last 15 games, then sweeping the Philadelphia Phillies and Arizona Diamondbacks in the postseason.

The deal ended there, and the Boston Red Sox dispatched them in the World Series in a four-game sweep.

In other Satan-related news, the sources said that the Devil was close to a deal with New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas, in which Thomas would rally his team into the playoffs and keep his job for one more year. The two sides have agreed in principle, the sources say, and sometime after the All-Star break, the Knicks will catch fire -- literally and figuratively.

We're Still In NBA, T-Wolves To Announce At Press Conference

2008-01-16T11:13:00.001-05:00

Minneapolis, MN (Jan. 16) - The NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves have called a press conference for 3:00 this afternoon, and it's expected that it's to announce that they are still, indeed, in the league.

"Indications are, from good sources, that the Timberwolves plan to announce that they still exist," said NBA observer and analyst Tim Legler this morning.

The Timberwolves are rumored to be 5-32 this season, though their existence has been questioned.

"Has anyone actually SEEN the Timberwolves play this season?" asked TNT analyst Mike Fratello. "I know I haven't, and I don't know anyone who has. Frankly, I'm eager to see the press conference, because I find that 5-32 record to be highly questionable. No team can be that bad in today's watered down NBA.

"If they exist, as they purport, then they have some explaining to do," Fratello added.

The last known Timberwolves logo

The Timberwolves, according to hardcore NBA fans who swear it's true, are supposedly led in scoring by someone named Al Jefferson, who allegedly has a 20.2 PPG average. But again, those who claim to have seen Jefferson perform this season in an NBA game are difficult to track down.

"The last I heard of the T-Wolves was back in spring 2007, just before they traded Kevin Garnett," says an NBA executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "Show me some hard evidence of their having been in the league since then, and I'll look at it. But until then, I simply don't believe it. I'm sorry."

At the press conference, sources say, the alleged team's owners are expected to support their claims by showing game tapes from actual contests played this season. But already the source of those tapes are coming into question.

"I heard that one of the tapes has the players' names blurred out, like in an episode of 'COPS,' and that one of the Lakers players in the footage looks like Elden Campbell," a source said. Campbell played for the Lakers in the late-1990s. "So I have my doubts overt the authenticity of this supposed footage."

A woman who answered the phone yesterday at the last known number for the Timberwolves said everyone had "stepped out for a moment", but that she would take a message. When pressed as to whether the team actually existed, the woman said she didn't speak English, and hung up.

Romo Blames Distraction Of Jessica Simpson Not Being In Attendance For Playoff Loss

2008-01-14T10:05:00.000-05:00

Irving, TX (Jan. 14) - Firing back at critics who blamed an earlier poor performance on the presence of maybe-girlfriend Jessica Simpson in the stands, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was quick to blame Sunday's 21-17 loss to the New York Giants in the NFC Divisional playoffs on Simpson's absence.

"Not having Jessica here to distract me was, ironically, a distraction," Romo said in the locker room. "All I could think about was that she wasn't here to distract me. And now you see what happened."

Then Romo added to the critics, thru reporters, "You happy now?!"

Simpson, shown here distracting Tony Romo by not being in Texas Stadium yesterday

Simpson being in the crowd has been blamed for two lackluster Romo games in the past, and she was advised by the Cowboys to stay away from Texas Stadium on Sunday. That strategy apparently backfired.

"If there's one thing more distracting than a beautiful blonde bombshell in the crowd rooting you on," Romo said, "it's NOT having a beautiful blonde bombshell in the crowd rooting you on."

Cowboys management swiftly responded to the Giants loss by mandating that, beginning next season, at least 40,000 fans in every game at Texas Stadium be blonde bombshells, strategically located throughout the stands.

When told of the plans for next season, Romo said, "Really? Cool!"

Rice Admits To Not Using Steroids, Hopes It Will Help His Hall Of Fame Case

2008-01-11T11:41:00.000-05:00

Cooperstown, NY (Jan. 11) - Retired slugger Jim Rice showed up at the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday, armed with a detailed confession that he did not take any steroids, human growth hormone, or any banned substances during his playing career -- hoping that coming clean about his cleanliness will sway voters on next year's ballot.

Rice missed Hall inclusion by only a few percentage points this year.

Jim Rice, shown at a minor league game last summer, waves with a hand that injected nothing unusual or illegal into his body

"I'm hoping that by coming out and admitting, once and for all, that I put nothing into my body that I didn't know about will exonerate me," Rice said in the shadow of the Hall's front steps. "I am finally going to come clean, including all the non-gory details. My freedom from steroids and other substances has been a burden on me that I am finally able to remove."

Rice, who hit 382 home runs, had 1,451 RBI and a career BA of .298 in an era that spanned from 1974-89, has missed Hall election by slim margins in recent years. He's convinced that his being less-than-forthcoming about being steroid-free has contributed to voters' skittishness about his qualifications.

"I've never fully disclosed how clean I was," Rice said as he signed autographs and occasionally glanced wistfully at the Hall of Fame building. "That was obviously a mistake."

Baseball proprietor Bob Costas sympathized with Rice, but expressed pessimism about the former Red Sox player's chances to get elected.

"I think it's wonderful that Jimmy Rice is finally telling all about how he abided all laws and rules that baseball had," Costas said. "Clearly we needed confirmation of what we already believed to be true, and this (written confession) provides that." Still, Costas added, "I think some voters are put off by the fact that Rice took this long to set the already straight record straight. If he had confirmed our non-suspicions earlier, he might already be enshrined in this great Hall -- one that I hope to be inducted into someday. Maybe I could go in as some sort of keeper of the game. What do you think?," Costas said as reporters shut off their recorders.

Regarding Rice, writer Peter Gammons, who covered Rice throughout his career in Boston, said, "Jim Rice's acknowledgement of our lack of fear of how he conducted himself off the field comes too late. It's sad that he chose to ignore something that we weren't talking about all these years. I wish him well."

Rice isn't about to give up hope, though.

"Maybe this is the first step," he said. "By finally providing baseball with the real story of how I stayed clean, maybe I've creaked a few closed doors open. There's always next year."

With that, Rice trodded into the Hall, prepared to submit his14-page document that he called a "tell-all", which identifies no one as substance users, details how the clean players stayed that way and why, and gives an insider's look at his baseball law-abiding life.

"Keep me in your thoughts," Rice said.

Archie Manning Ruins Nice Dinner With Friends By Showing Home Movies Of Son Eli's Playoff Win

2008-01-08T10:17:00.000-05:00

New Orleans, LA (Jan. 8) - Former NFL quarterback and proud father Archie Manning ruined a "perfectly nice" evening with friends when he broke out home movies of son Eli's playoff win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, sources say.

"We were enjoying a nice, quiet evening -- had just finished dessert," a dinner party-goer said under condition of anonymity. "Then he (Archie) pulls out his video camera and says, 'Look at the video I shot at the game yesterday.' "

With that, the elder Manning began showing every single snap of Eli's performance, which was his first-ever playoff victory.

"And he was making constant comments," the party-goer said, his eyes rolling. "I was like, 'Dude, we get it -- you're proud. Now let's go back to watching Family Guy.' But he was all gushing and sh*t. It was very annoying."

Manning, according to other attendees of the "smallish" gathering, plugged the video camera into the 51-inch TV in the family room, where everyone was located, and positioned himself "strategically" by the entrance way so no one could leave during the almost 60-minute long display.

"The camera angle was totally lousy, too," another source said. "He wasn't even around the 50-yard line. It was more like 20-yard line, and some of the time there was some guy's head in the way. I mean, he's Archie Manning -- couldn't he get a better seat?"

Archie Manning re-enacts one of son Eli's completions after having bored dinner guests with home movies of Sunday's Giants-Bucs playoff game

Throughout the screening, which was described by various people as "tortuous", "insufferable", and "f**king ridiculous", Manning would tell everyone why Eli's particular decision or play was a good one. If there was an incompletion, sources say, the elder Manning would rail at the offensive line, or blame the receiver.

"It was never his precious Eli's fault," an attendee said. "It was always, 'Well, you can't expect him to make a play when he's being harassed', or 'You gotta catch that ball -- this is the NFL.' I had trouble keeping down my meal."

After their ordeal, the party-goers said there was an awkward silence as Manning put away his camera.

"Some people were like, 'That was cool', but mostly we just looked at each other. Some had glassy eyes," a source said.

"One thing's for sure," the source continued, "I'm never getting sucked into another dinner party invite at HIS house again."

Manning then tried to get a game of Scattergories going, but guests were putting on their coats.

Shaq Demands Pat Riley Trade Himself For Phil Jackson

2007-12-28T02:42:00.000-05:00

Miami, FL (Dec. 28) - Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal, frustrated by the team's awful start, has issued a trade demand: coach Pat Riley for coach Phil Jackson.

"It's just not working," O'Neal said to reporters gathered beneath him after yesterday's practice. "Normally, I'd demand a trade for myself -- but I like Miami. I'm a beach kind of guy.

"So the way I see it, y'all might as well trade the coach. You can't trade the players."

O'Neal, according to sources, has told Heat officials that the team has two weeks in which to broker a Riley-for-Jackson deal. If it doesn't happen in the prescribed time, then O'Neal says he'll step in and mediate negotiations.

"It's GOING to happen," a friend of O'Neal said. "Shaq will make sure of it."

"Look, I think y'all can see that we pretty much suck," Shaq said. "Coach Jackson can get us out of this funk. I have complete confidence in Phil. I look forward to working with him again."

With that, O'Neal walked up to Riley, who was also addressing reporters, and clapped him on the back.

"I'll text you later," O'Neal told Riley before leaving with his posse.

Riley nodded and said, "I think a deal is imminent. You can see the writing on the wall. Something's up," he added. "It looks like it's going to be me."

Jackson's representative, agent Mark Hampshire, said thru a spokesman, "Phil is coach of the Lakers until further notice. That won't ever change -- until 10 a.m. Monday, possibly. Maybe. We'll see."

The Lakers and Heat have scheduled a press conference for 10 o'clock Monday morning.

"Nothing to say until then," Lakers spokesman John Black said. When pressed, Black added, "Talk to Diesel," a reference to O'Neal.

It was clear yesterday that O'Neal is spearheading the trade talks, and friends say he is working "tirelessly around the clock" to get a deal done soon.

"Shaq hates losing. HATES it," a friend said. "He sees the Riley trade as the only hope to salvage this season. Stay tuned."

League sources say that O'Neal has gone so far as to let every team know that Riley is available.

"He's been shopping him (Riley), definitely," one GM said.

O'Neal added that he would be unavailable for comment over the weekend while he "hammers things out."

Meanwhile, Riley said, "Until Shaq tells me otherwise, I'm the coach -- AND president -- of the Miami Heat. What else can I say?"

Local Fan Still Seeking Expressed, Written Consent From Major League Baseball To View Game He Taped Last August

2007-12-26T03:42:00.000-05:00

"I just want to find out how the Brewers won," he says

Milwaukee, WI (Dec. 26) - After over four months of waiting, area Brewers fan Martin Van Huesen says he is still waiting for the expressed, written consent of Major League Baseball so that he can view a game he taped on August 14th.

"I just want to find out how the Brewers won," Van Huesen told reporters yesterday. "I mean, I already know they beat the Padres, but the Brewers were down 6-1 in the eighth inning.

"Wouldn't you be curious as to how they won it?," Van Heusen asked rhetorically.

Details of the Brewers' big comeback against the Padres have been coming to Van Heusen in bits and pieces, and he just wants to view the last two innings for himself.

"I had a tape in the machine and went out to Taco Bell," Van Heusen explained, recalling that fateful night. "The Brewers were down 6-1, but I thought, 'What the hell?' So I hit 'record' and left."

Van Heusen then decided to enjoy his Burrito Supreme and Baja Beef Chalupa inside the restaurant, instead of his more traditional drive-thru experience.

"There didn't appear to be a big rush to get back to the game," he said. "So I took my time and ate. Usually I wolf that fast food stuff down like someone's going to take it away from me."

It was that decision -- the decision to eat inside Taco Bell rather than take the food home and consume it -- that cost Van Heusen the chance to watch the Brewers score three times in the bottom of the 8th and three more times in the bottom of the 9th, live. But once he got home and saw on the ESPN News ticker that his beloved Brewers won, Van Heusen decided to rewind the tape. But his conscience got the best of him.

"I've heard that damn disclaimer a million times in my life," Van Heusen said of MLB's warning that any tape shown or rebroadcast of the game without the expressed, written consent of MLB
is strictly prohibited. "And I just couldn't get it out of my head."

Brewers fan Martin Van Heusen, who's still waiting to see for himself how the Brewers rallied to beat the Padres last August

So before hitting the 'play' button on his VCR, Van Heusen sought to go thru the proper channels in order to watch his videotape. But that decision, like the one he made to eat at Taco Bell, would also come back to haunt him.

"I sent an e-mail to MLB offices in New York," he said. "And ever since then I've been getting the runaround."

Van Heusen said that on several occasions he's been told that the forms he needs to fill out to seek the expressed, written consent of MLB would be sent to him. However, on every occasion, the papers have failed to arrive.

"Finally, after about the fourth time being told this, I called MLB and complained. Some sort of manager got on the line and told me I was being rude and that I would have to re-apply. That added a few more weeks to the process."

In late October -- more than two months after the game -- Van Heusen received a certified letter that said he would not only have to ask MLB for permission to view the tape, but also the Brewers themselves.

"Why couldn't they have just told me that from the get go?," Van Heusen wondered aloud to reporters.

It took another three weeks to gain the Brewers' consent.

"They were like, 'Sure, whatever.' I think they thought the whole idea of me asking was pretty lame," Van Heusen recalled.

But as of Christmas Day, MLB has still yet to grant Van Heusen permission to watch the last two innings on his VCR.

Has he thought of just watching the tape anyway?

"Well, sure, but then that's against the law," he said to the question. "Why would I put my being incarcerated at risk after I've come this far?"

Broadcasting law expert Edward Murphy says that Van Heusen is doing the right thing.

"Absolutely," Murphy said via telephone. "It's always best to play it safe. Martin, at this point, would be foolish to risk anything after he's waited this long. Expressed, written consent can get caught up in the sea of red tape. It's like applying for a passport."

Though frustrated, Van Heusen isn't giving up hope that someday he'll be able to watch the Brewers' rally to beat the Padres on August 14.

"I searched YouTube and they have it," Van Heusen said. "But I won't watch it. That's the Internet -- a whole new can of worms for me. No thanks."

Knicks Ink Deal With Spike TV To Become New Reality Show

2007-12-22T17:20:00.000-05:00

New York, NY (Dec. 22) - The dysfunctional, losing, squabbling New York Knicks will use their internal mess to their financial advantage after signing a multi-million dollar deal with Spike TV to become the channel's newest reality show.

The Knicks will begin airing on Spike TV beginning on January 2 under their new name, "Knick Knacks", which will chronicle their struggles and strife in what Spike TV officials are calling an "in your face, no-holds barred" look at one of the NBA's worst teams.

"This will be Spike TV at its best," said the channel's spokesman, Barry Hunter. "We'll bring our viewers right into the eye of the Knicks' storm on a nightly basis."

"Knick Knacks" will air every night at 10pm, and will be barely-edited looks at the team that day.

"We'll be at practice, in the players' cars, in their locker room, everywhere," Hunter said. "Our microphones and cameras will never be at rest. So we're sure to capture every blowup, every backstabbing move, every blatant disregard for coach Isiah Thomas's direction. It'll all be on 'Knick Knacks,' every night.

"We're very excited," Hunter added.

According to sources, in exchange for the millions of dollars the Knicks will receive in becoming a reality show, the team must not try to improve its tenuous status.

"This show only works if the Knicks are in disarray," industry analyst Joseph Coleman said. "So Spike TV was smart in writing a clause that mandates that the team remain a mess -- at least until the end of the season."

Knicks spokesman Alan Myers doesn't think that will be an issue.

"It's unlikely things will improve, no matter how hard we try," Myers said. "So it was easy to agree to that clause."

Another source said that the contract with Spike TV ensures that Thomas will remain as coach, despite howls from fans to have him fired.

"Oh yes, that was non-negotiable for us," Hunter said. "If Thomas is gone, then let's face it -- we don't have much of a show."

Hunter spoke with glee about Thomas's latest blowup, this one with player Quentin Richardson in Friday night's loss to Charlotte.

"Awesome stuff," Hunter said. "I just saw the footage. Wait till you see how we feature it in episode number one."